Its not that I dont know as much as I dont have anything to give.

My back is throbbing a bit.

Durning the past month or so, I helped two friends move homes and that has most definitely has tweaked my lumbar a bit. It's not in full pain, but it's in a place where I know that if I don't take some time to heal it, I will make it worse so, Im in a recliner when I should be going to sleep for work and Im here writing again after so many months.

But as you already know, I cant just get to my point. I have to ease it in and attempt to write again. I know its time when I start to write in my head full well knowing that I may just lose what I wanted to say, but may just hope to say it the best way.

It's always a challenge.

Im at the point where I am now blatantly opposing my Crazy Doc.

She's a worthy opponent and has spent more than a year at understanding how I think and how I function in my odd logic that never seems to make sense outside of those who spend immense time with me and myself. Im not too worried that I will out think her or that I will fight her on every point, but I have at this point have called her out and asked to check her math.

There are very few things I will take on faith and in fact, I don't have faith in anything other than human beings and for that the point. With her help, I am not suicidal. I am able to create boundaries that I never had before. I am able to disengage in anything that is self-destructive and harmful to myself and even others. My drinking has become an almost nonexistent outside of finishing a can that I used earlier in cooking. She has helped bring me peace and allowed me to forgive others and to care for them without ripping myself asunder. So, please understand I trust her, I believe her to a point, as you will see soon, and respect her word, especially when she stops me from over analyzing everything. If anything she has proven to me to be the closest person in my life and actually have no horse if I live, die, harm myself or become healed.

I don't say this because she doesn't care or that she does not want me to do better, but it's her motive that forces me almost to trust her without challenge. She is not doing this because she needs me to or that I affect her life in one way or another. She is as neutral as an individual as possible. What she says is not loaded or sharpened. She state everything as close to meaning as possible and without any hidden meaning as I can figure. It's this reason why I can say that she has nothing invested in me doing better or worse. No pressure. Fail is needed. Succeed when able. My actions have no connection to her outcome.

Very freeing.

So why am I having difficulty now...

Im having difficulty now because I am in some respect functional and whole. I do have my rough moments, but I am functional. I am able to exist and even relate to most of you. As far as I know, there are no longer many windmills to challenge. In fact, there is only one as far as I can see. And with that, she is trying to unpack my anger. She is trying to unpack my reluctance. My sense of inferiorness towards everyone. My belief that I am just trying to ghost through rather than have anyone offer their belief on what I am worth. She wants me to be happy. I say I am as happy as I can get, which is for the amount of work I put in immense. She wants me to rely on others, a task that I would rather chew and swallow broken glass than an attempt. She wants me to try and reach out to others even if I feel deep in my bones that I am burdening them with myself and is best just not calling attention to myself.

I would rather not speak or cause attention in my general direction if only to prevent me being chased out of town with torches and mobs. And most of you close to me can even understand that I out of everyone who you know, have more than right....more of an authority on how my survival is to seem as small as possible than to get noticed and even have hell itself come for me. Even now I know that my back tightens and aches, I would tolerate it until I cannot endure it. Then I will only adjust my mind and call it fine.

Crazy Doc wants me to believe that I am forcing people away. I told her I know I am. She wants me to stop and allow them to get close. I said no. I can not, if only their own safety and sense of worth, they should not complicate their lives with mine. She wants to know who and when someone made me feel less than myself. I give her a list and with proof of when, how and why. She tells me that there are people who want to enrich my life. And I tell her, I believe her and keep my distance for their good. She wants me to know that there are those who want to make me an important part of their life, that they are trying to get me involved with their existence and nothing would make them happier than to have me there.

I tell her, I know. They are difficult to remove and yet I keep them at bay with even attempts to have them understand that I am not good for them.  She knows my past. What I keep to myself. What I live with. What I exist with. What I accept with no solution as I struggle to endure. And yet, she has an insane idea that this would not limit others to my or my woes. That they would not go away. I tell her that plenty have already and that's with my attempts to keep them near. Now I accept that I am at most a fetish and once people know enough, they will remove themselves in time. And if lucky without me noticing.

Others love me. I know. Others want me in their life. I say, only to a point unless I bring hell towards them. She states that I deserve to be loved. I state that I can not confirm nor deny, but I know that it doesn't work out if I have any say. That its best to be a legendary friend and companion instead of having another person recoil and move on after realizing my life is not so easy to place in their lives as so imagined.

I carry a heavy burden. I carry the burden of others. I carry the hope of many and I know that its too heavy for most to wrap their heads around. I will always be a flash in the pan. An interest. A story to tell and maybe a photo to brag. I am not human even if I wanted to be. I am a hybrid of mule, stone, and despair attempting to drag on towards another day. Never of my choice.

No one would choose this, even for those who love those closest to them.

I will die alone, if lucky. I will have those who will miss me and even tell a story of mine or two. I will have those who will even miss me and realize when time has past and things are complete that I have done much, not because I took it as my duty or chose it in some romantic gesture towards Greater Romantics, but as simply needing to be done. That takes a heavy toll that so many years ago, most would not want to endure. Very few love the infirmed or those with limited time. Most will also shun me in such a way.

I know people are not evil or even cruel or difficult. I know I ran into the worst at a bad time, but yes...I walk with a taint that no matter how many magnificent and fantastic benefits I bring along, I am not one to be chosen outside of a happy distant. One does not go into the pound who the lame or the weak unless they suffered their own afflictions.

So......yea...I can not believe in fairy tales or a happy moral when my life has been without such lighthearted and careless joy that even if I wanted to I would never be able to comply as much as those in wheelchairs can simply get up and run.

I will go. I will disagree and I will allow myself to listen to such Amazing tales of redemption and love. I just won't wish upon any star.

Best as I can do.