*takes a deep breath, closes his eyes for a moment, and plunges in*
Trust.
I have my first session with the new Crazy Doc tomorrow and I've been trying to figure out where I should go or what my goal is to focus on and after some thought, it came to me yesterday that the elephant in the room for me is trust.
*looks over what have been written and decides that it's going to keep this one. He continues*
I don't feel well. Not right now, so I know that I'm exactly where I need to be. I don't usually get hit with anxiety, but when it does it hits harder than a truck. I'm having trouble writing this so I'm going to leave this alone for the moment.
I know. I'm shocked also.
I'll come back here when I'm able. Just not now.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
Update from the Other Side
There's something about driving towards a setting full moon while the rising sun peaks behind you. A romantic notion that seems to be wasted that I'm driving my way to work at 6:24 am. This is the kind of thing that you'd expect traveling on a desert road while a twangy guitar played on a slide rings out while the protagonist smokes their last bent cigarette while contemplating a higher meaning to their hard tasks at hand, finding none but the blatant chance that they will not walk away from this without regret.
Huh, that was awesome.
Yet, no. I'm heading to work and at the moment I sit outside to a cold and sunny LA morning that is a bit colder than we are used to. Tapping away on my laptop, I sit now trying to see what's worth sharing with you considering how much has passed by. I still have to share with you the catalyst that snapped me from where I was to where I'm going. A lot happened this December as well as the beginning of January that in many ways were predicting of trends that were seen in November. I already see at least seven to eight pieces that are at least the length past most people would tolerate to read. Sadly, we live in a twitter world that limits itself to few words, often time with short cuts and assumptions.
I'll try to share enough while rambling on.
I'm a bit amazed at my place in the world at the moment. My work week has been reduced from three days to two which cuts into the small pocket of spending cash that I was hoarding. Debts are going to be covered and I'll have enough cash to cover gas and work expenses, but I'm only seeing a bit that can be saved. It impedes me from actually being people and having cash to replace clothing, maintenance and any chance of future projects. It sucks, but at the same time, I realize that I'm ok with it. I have an extra day that I need to move on and to prepare for greener pastures. I have less money, but more time.
The part that I find odd is that I should find this as a worry and yet, I'm not. I've made plans in case things go sour and I'm taking my time to approach them. If anything I'm amazed that I had enough foresight to save up checks and use what cash I had to take care of means that I could not handle. If this happened some time ago, I would have been crushed in some way and just added this to another moment when life is not going to be fair or kind and simply suffer it.
And yet, I'm at an odd peace that I have not experienced outside of sparring. A chaotic moment where you know what your next move is, your momentum carrying you towards it with minimum effort and efficiency. I am walking in No Mind and as difficult or stressful the situation may become, I have this peace that is holding me up. I would almost find it perverse and horrid, assuming that a great worry was approaching and yet, I'm fine.
I'm not used to being like this and this is what bothers me in a small and almost insignificant way. I'm at peace and even seeing people blatantly attempt to disrupt that peace and gaining no ground in their methods not only confuse them, but has me wondering what am I going through.
The joke I made since October was that I was lying in the gutter, dying of a stroke while my mind has created a situation that has me improving and happy. Now I realize this is real and my life and even with the stones of life being tossed I do not feel anxiety or worry. I feel at peace, not taking into measures that I am almost in shock at what is happening. I'm not used to being happy or peaceful or relaxed.
I'm actually in control for once in my life and I am more than optimistic that I can and will change the direction my life is taking. I have the ability to choose what happens and how I will respond to any change. I feel that I can endure, thrive. and be happy in my endeavors.
And all of this is strange. So strange.
Not wanting it to go away, but realizing that I'm improving and I'm gaining something I've lost so long ago or never had.
So, yea.....that....I'm fine and well. I'm not sick or stressed. I'm mapping out where to go from here and for once I know I will attain it.
*looks at watch* And with that, I must leave. I apologize for my lack of writing and will continue soon.
Peace and love.
Be good to everyone.
Huh, that was awesome.
Yet, no. I'm heading to work and at the moment I sit outside to a cold and sunny LA morning that is a bit colder than we are used to. Tapping away on my laptop, I sit now trying to see what's worth sharing with you considering how much has passed by. I still have to share with you the catalyst that snapped me from where I was to where I'm going. A lot happened this December as well as the beginning of January that in many ways were predicting of trends that were seen in November. I already see at least seven to eight pieces that are at least the length past most people would tolerate to read. Sadly, we live in a twitter world that limits itself to few words, often time with short cuts and assumptions.
I'll try to share enough while rambling on.
I'm a bit amazed at my place in the world at the moment. My work week has been reduced from three days to two which cuts into the small pocket of spending cash that I was hoarding. Debts are going to be covered and I'll have enough cash to cover gas and work expenses, but I'm only seeing a bit that can be saved. It impedes me from actually being people and having cash to replace clothing, maintenance and any chance of future projects. It sucks, but at the same time, I realize that I'm ok with it. I have an extra day that I need to move on and to prepare for greener pastures. I have less money, but more time.
The part that I find odd is that I should find this as a worry and yet, I'm not. I've made plans in case things go sour and I'm taking my time to approach them. If anything I'm amazed that I had enough foresight to save up checks and use what cash I had to take care of means that I could not handle. If this happened some time ago, I would have been crushed in some way and just added this to another moment when life is not going to be fair or kind and simply suffer it.
And yet, I'm at an odd peace that I have not experienced outside of sparring. A chaotic moment where you know what your next move is, your momentum carrying you towards it with minimum effort and efficiency. I am walking in No Mind and as difficult or stressful the situation may become, I have this peace that is holding me up. I would almost find it perverse and horrid, assuming that a great worry was approaching and yet, I'm fine.
I'm not used to being like this and this is what bothers me in a small and almost insignificant way. I'm at peace and even seeing people blatantly attempt to disrupt that peace and gaining no ground in their methods not only confuse them, but has me wondering what am I going through.
The joke I made since October was that I was lying in the gutter, dying of a stroke while my mind has created a situation that has me improving and happy. Now I realize this is real and my life and even with the stones of life being tossed I do not feel anxiety or worry. I feel at peace, not taking into measures that I am almost in shock at what is happening. I'm not used to being happy or peaceful or relaxed.
I'm actually in control for once in my life and I am more than optimistic that I can and will change the direction my life is taking. I have the ability to choose what happens and how I will respond to any change. I feel that I can endure, thrive. and be happy in my endeavors.
And all of this is strange. So strange.
Not wanting it to go away, but realizing that I'm improving and I'm gaining something I've lost so long ago or never had.
So, yea.....that....I'm fine and well. I'm not sick or stressed. I'm mapping out where to go from here and for once I know I will attain it.
*looks at watch* And with that, I must leave. I apologize for my lack of writing and will continue soon.
Peace and love.
Be good to everyone.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Preparing to Start Once More.
My greatest apologies, Beloved.
I haven't forgotten to write. I took some time off unannounced, partially due to sickness, but I'll be back on schedule by next week. A new year, new goals, new thoughts, and new outlook. I promise to keep you all in loop as soon as everything settles. I have much to say and yet I needed some time to find the right mood, to understand how to approach things in the right way, and to save things that are special to me while not tainted by the Flaming Dumpster Fire that 2016 was.
Please have patience with me. I promise to share all with you.
I haven't forgotten to write. I took some time off unannounced, partially due to sickness, but I'll be back on schedule by next week. A new year, new goals, new thoughts, and new outlook. I promise to keep you all in loop as soon as everything settles. I have much to say and yet I needed some time to find the right mood, to understand how to approach things in the right way, and to save things that are special to me while not tainted by the Flaming Dumpster Fire that 2016 was.
Please have patience with me. I promise to share all with you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
