Shower Epiphany: Sympathy for the Recovering Miserable Fuck

To say that I'm in uncharted water would be a bold lie, yet I can't help feeling a bit of anxiety that I'm this happy this long. I'm not saying that I'm not thankful or relieved, but I've lived most of my life under a rain cloud and I'm more used to being miserable than I have been at peace. Ok, maybe miserable with a chance of small joy bursts, but that's it. I'm worried in a way that makes me feel ungrateful that the hammer is going to fall, someone is going to pop out and say that I've had a prank played on me and that this is part of the joke, or even that I'm lying in the gutter somewhere or in a hospital bed drooling from some stroke and not of this is real. I'm a pessimist. I've been raised by a died in the wool pessimist. You don't get pessimists to become optimists over night, but you can crush optimists into pessimist paste over night. So, yes I still have the warm and fuzzies and I do feel that zen like peace of mind that is Oh so delightful, yet I can't help to feel that if I only knew what is making me so happy I can have a bit of control over it.

And there we are. My greatest fear. To have no control over my happiness when I've mastered control over my misery. And that sick part of me would gladly return and be the master of my misery rather than at the whim of fate, statistics, god, dice, or what have you. I am just that fucking jaded. I'm used to people spitting on me and would never dare to question it yet ponder why people are smiling at me and not figure out that I'm the one smiling first.

So much shit to clean up. Like I said, I'm getting there, but I'm in no way there. Please have patience for me. I've just been stomped on that long.

was going to end it here, but that does not feel right......thank you for having patience with me. I'm working on things. I want to make myself a better person. I want to give back what you all have been giving me and more for even trying. I am slow, but I will get there.

I love you too....

.....ok, better.

whatever.

Shower Epiphany: Greetings from the Uncanny Valley

There is something exhausting about coming to terms with some aspects of my life. Things that I knew at the time would take a moment of my time to deal with and I simply said that there was no time to deal with. In some aspects, I made the right choices or at least they seem that way since I'm not too sure.

Overall it feels like waking up from a long sleep realizing that you've lost sensation to an arm or leg. It's the initial numbness that would scare most people but I honestly thrived for. It was in many ways my survival mechanism and it worked well for me. As most of you know that kind of numbness is from the lack of blood to the area and can be extremely harmful if prolonged. And most of you can understand that once you lost sensation and use to the area the first sensation you feel is not relief, but sharp pains. The kind that feel like knives tearing into you as you reach out for the area in question and do what ever possible to end that pain, be it hitting, rubbing the area or even cursing at it. That pain has to be endured to get that part of you working once more and it even frightens you at the fact that you could have just lost that part of you.

It's kind of like that. I'm well past the fear point and I'm aching in a way that I would not mind going back to numbness if I can return to functional. I'm more useful as functional, or at least that is what I'm told that I am saying to myself. When thing crash down, I'm the first to pick them back up again since I more than know that no one is going to help you and you have a choice to pick them up or just walk away. While others morn and wrap themselves in sorrow I'm more inclined to dwell in that calculated coldness that has often time have been misconstrued as being cruel. Or maybe I am/was/still going to be cruel. I'm not one to hold you and rock you slowly while you cry your eyes out. It's a position that haunts me as helplessness and I'm not one to be helpless even if the only actions I can take is symbolic at best. Grandmother is at her death bed becomes keeping my promise to her to finish school and a side project to grow my hair whenever I can to donate to locks of love. I still see this hair as not my own simply because it's a way of .....weaponizing me against what hits me from their safe or intangible placement.

I'm more inclined in shoving someone through a wall or sitting down and putting the fear of a deity of some sort into someone who dare harms another person. I know where that comes from and I can even say it's not my own paranoia rather inherited, but life down not have a sense of fairness and we pick up fears that are prevalent in the most oddest or confusing way. There is a perverse sort of vengeance when you can cut off a part of yourself to keep yourself moving. That anger/hatred/outrage/insult/pain feeds you and it nourishes you to acts of vengeance that others can not complete. I guess that is what haunts me now, not that I do not feel that my actions were unneeded or even not dictating the moment, but there is a lasting sacrifice that just makes every step you take based in fear. It makes those who you care see you as something monstrous.

And it never helps when they use that to hurt you. Almost as some may use as a shock collar to make sure the beast does not rise against it's masters.

Yea, well, fuck that.

I think that's what I'm trying to break. I know that should want the ability to care for someone without feeling awkward or even the ability to smile back without having my face hurt or even turning away as if I do not recognize basic human interactions, but my biggest goal is to reclaim that part of me that was given up to become this force of swift action and cold calculation. I always called it my "innocence". That frame of mind that some can look at clowns and laugh and see children play with no thoughts of what can and what has happened. I'm haunted by acts of extreme cruelty and abuse that were spawned by those who are dead. Actions that they committed that continue to evolve into cruelty and malice. Acts that dictated my life in many ways as the concept of insanity rules Lovecraft or the two faced sinister life of small town people in any King novel. It's my Tower and Rose. It's the force of Ka that pulls the most random items and connect them to me in a webbed map of cruelty and malice.........malice is the right word here. It's the monkeys beating the newcomer for attempting to reach for a banana that for some reason they do not understand why they do so only to know that a horrible moment happened so long ago, but can not describe as what it was.

Ah.....emotional superstition. Got to love humanity sometimes.

And so, I've live at a distance that is often times noticeable. I can't even call it a sacrifice when it has helped me along this far. That social numbness that can give me a few seconds ahead to move in when hell happens. It's more than handy. I can say that I actually saved lives like this and made moment that would normally scar others not happen. And yet, I can not help to feel that I am simply a visitor on your interesting planet. Something other yet in some sad way belonging. I feel that I've lived my life in the Uncanny Valley where you can see the imitation of life, but know there is a disturbing aspect that give you your Blink moment and makes you question. I am not human in some ways and I more than understand why. And I will go to the extent to say that, no, I don't think I want to be human. I've seen what you all do to each other and I have dealt with that hell for so long. It's easier cleaning up a stain on the carpet instead of associating it with blood. It just too functional to step aside yourself and get it clean instead of being with the huddled masses weeping in the corner.

Shit needs to get down.

I know, I'm regressing. I know. I'm trying, damn it. I can't turn on 'people' and just be.

So what I'm saying is the have some patience with me as I try, and many times do not understand why I am doing this, to re-associate myself with you.....people. I am odd. I know that. I'm trying and sometimes I fail horribly. Thankfully humor is there to masquerade frustration or is my frustration just humorous? Either way, I got that working for me. For what else is there to do than to wear Motley.....ok ok.....I'm getting there!

Please have patience with me, since I have none for myself and would rather just buy real estate in the Uncanny Valley than to pitch a tent. I'm trying to be people again and I can't even tell if I made that point or if I digressed enough to not make it. I'm one who is more comfortable shoving people away than to try and act like you. Just know that while I'm silent at times I'm trying to figure out how to act or trying to figure out what to say that will make me human.

This is stupid. It feels stupid, but I'm told I should say this anyways.

Whatever.

I don't care.

Ok, maybe a little.

Whatever.

Shower Epiphany: Knowing and Believing

There is a huge difference between knowing and believing. I think I'm starting to feel that now. I know that the one big task that I've been working towards is over. I understand that the morning commutes, late night and 9 hours per day study marathons are over. I know that the pressure of working twice as hard as most people and getting only half the results is something that is over. And for most they would never believe or even understand how difficult it has been to struggle through so much this whole time when you know that you are not only limited in your resources, but when you have to keep something as a priority for so long and in some cases making choices that will come back and hurt you more than it help while understanding that you never really had a choice or say in the matter out side of "quit".

And yet there are things now that I'm beginning to believe that I could not wrap my mind around still. The difference between being on paper and living them. I believe that I have been living for years as an extreme minimalist where any cash I had was "owed" to someone else. Every dollar I made that could have been for my children, family, health, and well being has been a buck I owed to make it past deadlines that only raise the price of a half pound of flesh. That if I knew then what I know I would have allowed myself small moments of respite. I would have taken time for those who have left, have become distant and have passed. I would have spent more time outside with giggling children now too grown to play. I would have taken days to sleep and not worry about what I can or can not do. I would have understood that some moments are meant to be stolen away instead of letting them slip away knowing that I could not have reached for them/ anyways.

There were moments where I nashed my teeth and cried up for some sort of justice. Placed in moments where I had to let go of friends I would never see again. Let go of loves that were prematurely ended for inability to progress and having to learn that my importance to others was only a passing fancy. Making the hard choices and tightening belts until I had to let go of the belt and realizing that you can only sacrifice so much until there is nothing left. 

And yet I've kept my word and promise. 

Does anyone else remember that promise?

I'm thinking no.

And in keeping that promise I've learned so much of human nature. I've learned things about others that in the end they declare noble in one moment yet hypocritically deny in another. I've learned that people will never give you a "hand out" or a "helping hand" until you are so close to the end. That people will want you to thank them for their minimal assistance is straight faced while you wonder where were they when you needed them most.

I've also learned who matter the most and how thankful I am. 

So slowly, like blood returning to a limb, I'm regaining so much of my lost senses. And relearning habits lost and forgotten. Learning to smile and hold that smile without having the muscles fail. I'm napping with sleepy dogs and sitting under shaded trees. Learning that I don't need to jump at a moments notice and allowing myself to drop defenses long enough to realize that I'm exhausted and nothing is going to get to me any more. I'm ending grudges and forgiving those who can't forgive themselves. I'm ending my term as martyr and whipping boy as well as stick, hitman and monkey wrench. 

I'm looking into nomadic motorcycles  pet potbellies, and running down the street of life. I'm looking in the mirror, making silly faces, and being happy burning flies. I'm learning to waste time, do the cookie dance and take deep draws of lazy mornings. And yet, I'm having trouble understanding that this is now. The now I've been working for and have imagine would never be. I'm still wondering if I'm going to wake up to my alarm and have to jump the shower and fight the onslaught of traffic.

So....this is it. And yet so hard to believe. This is my time and no one owns it anymore.

Yea.....I know.

The Aftermath

Ah.......waking up is always a dread after writing. Usually a mix bag of "Are you ok" and "Wow.....never thought you'd felt that way", I must have made the abyss blink since my messages were composed of "we know where you are" and one full out blatant threat.

Ha.....and I'm thinking that I've played enough innuendo and smoke to make sure no one gets worried. So, here is my response. You can either sit and spin and know that I'm working through some heavy crap and almost out of your hands at this point or...

....or....

I can get to you before you can get near me. Since we need to have some sort of palaver I can be more than accommodating at this point.

Then again you can take two steps back and realize that I'm out. I'm not a pawn in anyone's game nor am I anyone's monkey wrench.

.....

So outside of this, I'm feeling better. Whatever happens is going to happen. The hammer falls regardless of how much I prepare for it, yet to remain ever vigilant is killing me.

Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Thirteen – Everybody Wants To Rule The World: Breaking out

*The month has been a volatile time for me as all good revolutions are as we shove against self contained spaces that we either out grow or we find too confining for our own good. So I whole heatedly beg your pardon, I wish to state that for the lack of time and the promises of keeping certain information safe until I take respite within the Earth unless I am to prepare myself for midnight calls and knocks on doors with no physical hands to be seen (you don't want to know. I'd sooner swallow mine own tongue than to pass upon knowledge get that is too costly to suffer). Saying so, I shall take artistic liberty and combine a month long conversation with many people who still remain in shadows or who outnumber my most ambitious desire to honor their effort. You know who you are and I am always thankful*

There's no turning back 

Even while we sleep 

We will find you

Sitting in the sunny room he nervously looks off distance while she sits in front of him. Many years his senior and well known to his deceptive mannerisms, she humors him as she allows him to remain distant yet knowing that there is nothing more he wants than to be close as thieves. Warm tea and cookies serve only as a plot device as well as to expose the chink within armor too overwhelming to carry. She know he had done what she called for as he sits uncomfortably and prepared for the outbreak of Secret Wars of long ago, yet still to realize that there is no one left to fight. after some time she leans over and coax he to open up. This time and space is unaffected by the pace of the world, yet as we all know time has unwound here. Time is meaningless with what task is at hand as a long moment of time has become a blink in seconds for our purposes.

She is letting him have it, but this is all in the past. Pleasantries are something they do not bother with as he asked for something he usually administers without holding back. "To cut to the bone", you give a no shitter that is blunt as it is quick. You do not ask for one as hope to be made felt better. She respected him enough to cut deep and quick as he asked and yet, it has been something he still chews on, knowing his eye can tear apart everything and everyone except himself. She does take some relish in repeating it time to time if only to get him engaged, but with each time cookies get a bit fancier and the tea a bit richer, yet she hold no reservations on what was, is, or is going to be said. Bile with triple dutch chocolate chocolate chips.

"I don't think you know how much you struggle since you are honestly deluding yourself. You are a stone terracotta warrior who shows not remorse, nor shows anything but the weathered age you carry with you. You are ancient beyond your years and you envelope yourself within a malice that was never yours. You are a kabuki samurai with a creeping giggle. A paranoid rabbit who fear to let down his guard for being pounced yet you yearn to nibble on what good you find. You are not a cruel person nor have you ever been. Your guilt is evident of that. You carry a sadness of things forced upon you and you flog yourself when ever possible to prevent others from the joy of making you suffer. "

His cold gaze towards the nothingness changed direction towards her in a guilty confession that his eyes could never hide. Almost filled with fear as well as bracing himself to be struck down with an oncoming blow as one fighter would expose and exploit to down his opponent. She continues on.

"You live two lives that can not continue to coexist. You carry an air of rage and fury yet, you kneel down towards small children and become warm and comforting. You carry an aura that has many avoid you in a wide circle yet you draw animals onto you with a gentleness that seem more natural to you than the ugly scowl you hold. Since we have been friends for all these years I demand that I meet this phantom that you hide and remove the ill spirit that haunts you now."

It's my own design 

It's my own remorse 

Help me to decide 

Help me make the most 

There is something about people who can wield words as some declare expertise on weaponry that has a way of disarming him. He always yearned towards his unused wit that only make some showing when a snide yet sharp remark is to be made. To play with words as some play with actions was the way to draw this phantom, as it seems as his hard gaze suddenly became exhausted and yet yielding a delicate smile that only pass too quickly for quick glances. And with that he took in a breath of air as someone would suckle smoke within and released it as if the weariness of what he carried was not to be endured anymore.

He spoke more of why he was tired and even of a feeling that he held that if he shown some weakness and even compared it to being surrounded by vicious dogs that would leap on to you with a slip or a stumble. That as kind as he is with the errors of others and the folly of those who attempt to hurt him he has either worked so diligently to remove anything that would cause others to find fault or target or to preemptively strike himself down with a fervor that no other can match nor would attempt. His self flogging was his way of punishing himself for his error, human as they may be yet his own humanity is to be self denied at least until those he fear will not bring down any retribution he has already suffered before. His own justice would be demeaning yet motivating to cut out that "weakness", yet within the hands of others that human error would be as sharp as jagged hands in the hands of savage cruelty, always aimed the point where he could not defend himself. While others were schooled in how to learn from mistakes or how errors were simply a work in manifest of the effort made to reach perfect, his errors would time and time again used against him. It was only recently when he was already attacked for "crimes" committed more than a decade ago at an age where most were allowed to discover their age appropriate foolishness.

"I understand more now. You have always been a gentle soul, yet you've realize that the world has a perverse way of tearing gentleness out of others. You have made yourself a target and fodder. You have done things to save yourself from the hell of others while allowing yourself to somewhat punish yourself for not being able to survive as such. You've made yourself the martyr got the inequity of others and banners man for the 'Secret Wars' that you were pulled into that were never your own. You invite the hell within to acknowledged that fact that there is hell. You suffer for the ideal of suffering and you invite the worst of what may be to make sure that if you can endure that pain and still move forward. And yet, you are your own worse enemy, assigning assassins to attack when in fact there way not be any there. In truth, you save others in their need and you have never been saved, have you?"

Welcome to your life 

Acting on your best behaviour 

Turn your back on mother nature

He looks up this time and his eyes shimmer as hard pressed lips hold back a wave that can never be mistake other than pure disappointment. She waits while the question sits long in the room until he realize that she had released an elephant into the room. She uses his honesty against him in the only way to force him to see what he refuses to admit. It is not enough to allow silence speak it's volumes. HE must be made to say what his mind does not allow him to say. He finally stomachs a response with a cracking voice, he says.....

"The warm jets can be heard, but they never arrive. The Calvary arrives when the onslaught is over and there is nothing to bury but the dead. Shoulders are always looked over only to find no one....no one there. There is no retreat since there is no tomorrow promised. I have to jump first, be vicious and relentless before I get overwhelmed. I have never won. NEVER. I've only lost and lost heavily to the point where I have to readjust what is losing and what is making sure they do not win. I can only force a stalemate if lucky or at least make sure that their victory is tasteless and vile. So no.....no one has or will save me and you can not ever convince me that I will ever be saved because that child has already been lost. I can save others, but I can never be save." 

"Tell me why you were not saved?"

"You do not save the expendable or the worthless and I am far aware that I am both."

The breakthrough left him rasped and shaken, yet he continues to sit. Conversation is continued as time is bent and warped once more. A philosophy of worthlessness is shared in which he says that he had learned the nature of many simply by taking on a lowly role or being Machiavellian enough. He is quit tactical, yet his methods would have the general leading the defense and losing the war for the mere thought of "what is right over what is best". His ability to map out the cruelty he has face in the hands of others marveled her. How he declared placing himself in positions that tried the confidence and trust of another only to note that people would make offering to wolves as well as they say good day. Conversations reach upon those he does value and after some insight there is a mutual understanding that the concept of redemption is never a venture that is taken upon one's own shoulder's unless it's their own.

Time moves slowly here as the bend often loops and allows moments to be relived. The understanding is that he has collected a good amount of favors from many who have valued his help and yet while it may be true that it may be easier to reunite shoulder and joint on his own when certain individuals are asked to honor promises made in the past, others have attempted to assist if only move aside. Favors are as valuable as uncashed checks and even their ink is lost with time and scrutiny. He's learned that he value assistance more than promises, yet no one will be willing to assist until you have taken the task to hand for yourself and many times it is completed with help as soon as an end is visible.

No one saves you still, even if you are close to the end. Especially then.

There's a room where the light won't find you 

Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down 

When they do I'll be right behind you 

 And yet, the discussion has reached their experiment. He was questioned over the time apart and if there were any changes. From what was shared, there was hope of change, yet he did drag his heels along, almost as if he did not want to be proven wring. Appealing to his scientific need was a double edged sword in this case since he demanded proof for what he had years already seen, yet he could not deny anything that can be done coldly for science. That coldness is something that he takes too much refuge as a child would take need of a blanket against the horrors of the dark. And yet, it has been the best way to get him to take the chances he refused to. Small chances, such as letting his hair down, hug someone, don't hide his laughing face or even harder tasks such as tell someone he has an attraction, tell someone they mean alot to them, or even take a stupid chance and dance and sing, even if it means drinking enough not to care.

All for freedom and for pleasure 

Nothing ever lasts forever 

Say that you'll never never never never need it 
One headline why believe it? 

Everything was shared. He did not like the risk, yet he was kind of surprised. He felt as if he has somehow emerged from a long nightmare only to feel, for a moment at least, that he was actually human, sweat, blood and bone. He felt the need to be touched and the need to be needed. He enjoyed laughing at his end of anxiety even if he dreaded handing his number or even smiling and keeping eye contact from longer than 3 seconds. He was a creature of shadow and did not appreciate attention even if it meant that he was human with needs. Attention usually brought him more than enough problems and still refused to keep any for of communication that he could not turn off or have some grade of anonymity. It has taken him years and his last experience with mobiles left him sour, especially when few have discovered where he was. In avoidance, he have eluded stalkers and annoyances alike, yet he understood that even if he found the whole process repugnant that his days of seclusion were numbered.

I can't stand this indecision 

Married with a lack of vision 

They sipped in silence as he knew what was next. A new task in humiliation or how she described a chance to make human contact. He laughed before yet more than willing to continue. She smiled and said that he had to wrote this moment. He had to write once more, not on his need to numb or to make his pursuit meaningless as so much Naloxone would do, but to admit his "progress" for all to enjoy voyeristically and to exhibition his heart" as torn and tattered as any such organ would be without making any reference to half pound prices (HA, fuck you!) and yet even that much insolence would be addressed soon. even though his act of rebellion would not be considered too much of anything other than "bitch noise".

And yet he knew what response would come naturally afterwards. "What is it that you want? Why are you even listening to me? What do you want to accomplish?"

To her response,

".........I want......another cookie."

"Of course, you ass. Of course. Perfection is a long while away. Until then, we have cookies."

So glad we've almost made it 

So sad they had to fade it 

Everybody wants to rule the world 

Shower Epiphany: I am not Patient

 I've come to understand that I am in no fiber of my being patient. It's not a virtue that I have nor is it one I'd would wish upon anyone. Being someone who always have felt that pull behind me of the imaginary leash with so many factors within that simply naming them would take too much of your precious time away from you and yet that very leash have taught me that it is not patience that is a true virtue but a symbolic bone for those who do not know what is at play to be told.

That leash has pulled me back from many instances of my life only to see the opportunities dry up as a muddy puddle of water would to a thirsty and out of reach animal. That disparity is what fires my muscles to strain against it and to take every inch of slack away with my aching need come manifest. I have seen people and privileges taken away for only inches away from reaching it and yet never having enough slack to take advantage of what I wanted most of all. Even now I still feel that leash and I still pull away almost fatally to move forward or break myself reaching.

Patience is no virtue. Planning is. Tactics that allow you to surrender valuable inches to woo the gripping hand from pulling so. Vision is a virtue. That ability to see what is worth straining and what is simply not worth time and moment. Determination is a virtue, knowing that each and every failure offers insight to perfection or is anything new errors to beat the imperfections down as hot ore is beaten on anvil.

And so I am not patient. If you laid eyes upon me you mayhaps catch my muscles tense and relax to show that I only count sweet and delicious minutes as a child would toss in candy within their hungry mouth. I count minutes, plan tactics, and savor my moment to come. I am in no way patient, but when my moment arrives I am more than ready and determined.

I am in no way patient nor would I ever be.

Shower Epiphany: Fear and Loathing from an Organic Source

So the boy got tired of playing a game I beta tested a while back and lI won't plug it if only it will make them look bad with what I am to write and I do have to say it not only made me sigh a bit, but it did scare me to the bone . And I need that.

I honestly need that.

Niche said a while back that " When you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you". IT's one of the reasons why I love horror. Why I let it chill me to the bone and pull the nightmares out of the dark recesses and under the bed that as a child would terrify me and I know "we" had this talk and I've learned as an atheist that there is no boogy man, devil with it's pitch fork, or dark abomination that has crept out of the temporal rift. Lovecraft was a bigot and a social elitist, Stephen King did amazing drugs, and Poe died a drunkard. There are no nightmares, goblins and glowing eyes staring from the edge of sanity to tear me apart and yet, I want there to me.

I'll explain.

One of the reasons why I'm going to mention religion here is that we've all been feed a bit of superstition here and there if only to make sure that good children obey lessons that they were too young to understand and that if I think of it long enough a real fear comes and creep up ever so slowly. The monsters I was taught were never real and in a moment in time a frightened child within a weary man was freed from the shackles of ignorance and daunting fear only to discover something oh so horrifying.

I've come to realize that every act of evil in the world, most witnessed by me and some that have never come close to me yet still chilled me bone deep were not the work of supernatural creatures. The devil never made me do it nor can I or any other human being truly say that they were insane without a neurologist to analyze our thought patterns and map our what part of our minds calculated an action and what were crossed neurons in a short circuit of sorts. That when a man raises a gun towards another adult or even a child and that life is taken it was not some horror of unknown source of the claim of an evil person possessed by some sinister force. The chill sets in and I come to realize that we committed it all and that what frightens me so.

In my small moment under the sun, I've suffered much from those who not only looked as me but those who didn't. Older people who I could trust and those who used my honesty in humanity and kindness to others against me as a weapon. I've done few wrongs to others and have begged my pardon and done my penance until today. I've committed evil out of ignorance that still guilt me now and it has forced me to recalculate what may be and what I have done in many ways to prevent it happening from my hand or by anyone else's. It has shaped me to do as much good with my time if not to please some deity but to make the world a kinder place. And yet, in my time I've learned that abuse spawns abuse in other forms and that a harsh word may cost a life in the end. It forces me to pull away from others while placing myself in the way of any harm without their notice. It has taught me the value of "doing no harm" as well as learning that Krishna once declared that one may do by doing as well as do by not doing. An action for action. Thought for thought.

And moments when I am alone in the dark that I once was so terrified to be in I've come to realize that the evil is me. That the wickedness comes from those who walk upright on two legs rather than a bestial form. That children not held enough in a loving mother's arms or who have lived a heavy hand of a father will commit atrocities for the greater good that only serves their mind. On my horror stories the hero is weakened and many ways timid in the face of great evil. The unfathomable abominations does not ponder the lives of humans as we do not value the distress of the crush snail or torn worm. They witness sights that chill them and force them to resort to methods that often shun them as fools if not worthless vagabonds.

In the truth, I drink to numb. I will not lie to you or anyone else. I've drank enough to black out and to reawaken alive in my horror. I've taken opiates in the pursuit of remaining callused to the harshness of the world and the need to push back harder against the onslaught that was or never was. I've wept in cold moments and sat bleeding in occurrences that had lead me to rather die than to raise my fist in anger. To take chastisement in the form of a reprimand or a shot of anger against me. All the while understanding that my lack of sleep is not from a child's fear of what may crawl in the dark, but the realization that I am the most dangerous creature in it. That I know someone out there is screaming my name: some out of sorrow and few out of spite and even certain from fear that I will pull them back into the hell they escaped from. I'm not going to say that I am a good person, but I've learned that in order to have those you love sleep in peace and in solitude that the world is a beautiful place certain sacrifices had to be committed and I would rather commit them again and again, despite of what may come, than to have them take their innocence of only for a little time longer.

I know I am frightening. I mean to be. I work hard at it and take much solace that I can chill the heart of another in a breath's escape. And yet, I know for certain that there is no evil in this world that is not wroth from our own hands, by either commuting it or allowing others to commit them. And so, I refuse the scape goat and all rites of absolution. I face what ever may come and hope for the best and that I do not lose more of myself this time. What I commit and prevent will be on my own hands without utterance of spiritual absolve nor mindless belief that I am sanctioned to do so. And so, I know that hell is a now rather then a where and often time sit in the dark and contemplate.

And yet, it is a relief and fun to chill what some call a soul and others call a subconscious mid with a bit of horror and take my mind of what people will do to others to prevent of a greater harm. Forget that the harm done by some is usually suffered by the small and the weak and the innocent.

Or what Jean-Paul Sartre declared in No Exit that "hell is other people". Or as T.S. Eliot hauntingly remarked.

"I will show you fear in a handful of dust."

Good night everyone.

Sleep well.

You choose how I make an ass out of my self!

Feeling a little .....heroic today. Not the point, but here is my question.

I have two pieces to write for "Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill", but only enough juju to do one justice. One is a story of falling completely and stupidly in love and the other is the methodology and the mechanics of taking the first steps after a BAD break up. Like I said, I can only do one this week and not have a desire to play Elton John on loop while I "walk down the street". I'm leaving you with the choice here even though most people have told me that I should never let anyone have the reins at any moment because I may not like where it goes.

But hey, I'm still kind of young and stupid. So this experiment. Comment either Love Story or Break up. I need a challenge people. This is starting to get too easy and the shark tank is on back order.

Shower Epiphany: You have been warned and you should be running.

I've come to the point o my life where I had in one way or another ended up with a dead ego. And for what it is worth, it has been more of a bonus than a hinder. It has kept me humble and lowly enough to see how things are once we remove the social blinders that come with most ceremonies in our lives. It has removed any shame from me to ask the hard questions in which others usually fear reprimand or a "dark mark" upon their reputation or "honor". It has given me freedom that only a man who can get showered and dressed in 5 minutes in pitch dark can afford. It allows me to sit in the dirt among those who have been ostracized and mocked for their lack of false empathy towards topics that only serve to keep one preoccupied with imaginary illness and afflictions that can be worse than any tangible disease. It has given me the ability to question my behavior first and secondly to find my uncomfortable sections in life and to know what can be held against me if I revel in that shame and discomfort. It has also given me the opportunity to cut to the bone and tell others directly what is and what should be without fear of reprimand. It has given me a clear value of the truth that no lie can ever give me or save me from what may come. It has made me honest to a fault and loyal to those who are willing to look into the hard questions and dare speak of what may be called the truth.

And yet, I have to admit that this lack of ego has also hindered me greatly. It has caused me to turn away from gambles in life that most are willing to take. It has given me a low view of what I value as a human being and has not only killed off any idea of selfish thought, but a need to simply say that I could use something in a form of comfort. It has kept me from seeking medical help until I can manifest a fever of 100 degrees at minimum. It has caused me to look at certain people and ventures and made me walk away with what may be and could have be done. It has also forced me to think of the other person to the point where I am shirtless and penniless. It has in many ways forced me to keep within safe passage ways and detoured my life to the worth of others if only to be valuable to them and know that I can not risk any error in cause that something may go wrong. It has made me double check my math, not to be certain due to pride but knowing that if I am wrong it will harm others, something that is highly valued yet usually praised for quickness. I know that my lack of drive and ambition has been attributed to this and in many cases only allows me to enjoy the smell of flowers rather than to cultivate my own garden.

And yet, every now and then, an insolent voice calls out and ask the words of a hard youth and bloodied knuckles. "Why not?", it calls out to me in protest and angst. It shouts within me as someone who I may never be rid of permanently at any time. It's the voice that demand my veins be filled with ice and my spine of steel as I stand up and raise my voice. It's the nerve that screams an everlasting, "fuck you" when everything has been trampled on. It's the rage that causes me to fight with those bigger than me or at least offer the smaller opponent a club or companion in their beatings. It's the harshness of my words, "No, you can't tell me what to do". It's the stubborn mule that has pushed me forward even if my pace was nonexistent to the eyes of the visually lazy. It's the giggle that leaves me that puts fear in the opposition and cheers in those foolish enough to support me. It's spark in my eyes that lets the world know that only an asshole can do things without fear of condemnation and the grin that lets others know my last fuck was given ages ago in a young and stupid time. It's the blink of an eye that results me in waking in odd places and the animalistic need to gravitate towards the blue haired women and festivals under the full moon. It fuels my sarcasm and embitters any victory that has been taken from me to those who may hope for sweetness in my defeat. It's forces me to get up and declare that only a bitch can hit that hard and that is the last of the freebies given. It drives me to a suicidal need to push harder than ever and a hope that I may not breathe much longer. In truth it gives me the ability to not give a fuck, especially when those are silent and forced to, cowardice be damned.

Those small moments in life where those to voices are in unison are usually why I've been "blacked balled" by the lazy and the immoral. It's why I remove myself from my own chanting crowd already knowing that I've won and that my time has been shorted by half. It's why I don't care if opportunity is lost and why I'm able to say I will survive this. It leads to some of my greatest failures that most love to savor in loud and almost guttural tones and yet when successful it proves that my legend will out live it with or without me around. It inspires others to become insolent under the right conditions and to stop tanks head on. It forces me to abandon all resolve for a moment of time that I may lose or I may win, but either which way I shall walk away victorious in leaving deep foot prints and epic tales. It is the knowledge that I will "die cool" and once gone life will breathe easier only to face the nightmares of me alive once more. Those moments counteract my feeling of nothingness and conjectures with, "since I'm nothing then I guess I CAN do this and it WON't matter, right? The Universe will heal if given enough time". And that it does....or at least it heals faster than me.

Those moments.....those miserably few moments are what allows me to live a little longer and tolerate the boredom of existence. Those moments are what matter most.

...oh.....and I just had one just a little while ago......


You have been warned.