Almost that time of year.

It's been I while I know.

I want to apologize for not keeping up with my writing. I promise I'll get to it as soon as I finish mulling over what I'm thinking about. I have to Grok deeply.

But it's almost that time. I'm not a B-day person since I see this time of year more as contemplation of what I've done rather than how great it is. I think it comes from losing so many people in my life. People who in truth were better than me in every way and makes me want to apologize to so many of you out there knowing that I'm a poor representative of those who I look up to and lost. People who pulled this foolish, arrogant and selfish boy into a human being. I thank them every day for giving me the opportunity to make some difference in my life and hopefully in the lives of others. All the while holding a great guilt on how other were greater than me and I'm never going to live up to their standard.

And yet, I have to try.

And every year I sit in silent contemplation near the time when I reached another rotation around the sun knowing that I've lived this long only being too stupid and stubborn to die. There have been days where I contemplated stopping. Thinking that I've either done enough, it does not matter or that I'm too old and sore to go on. A broken man in many respects shambling on towards the next bend wondering if there is another windmill over the hill or if there is any use for my tired bones. There are days where the age is prominent and I have to sit and rest. Others where I have to take a handful of helpers to ensure my progress and other days where I written off the day completely and hope that someone else will do what needs to be done. Those quiet moments I contemplate stopping, moving to the outskirts to take part in nature and let the world move on without me.

It's a tempting thought and it still tempts me.

And then, I come to realize that there are so few who attempts to raise the bar. That while I've always pushed myself to the limit that I can handle and then some that others simply skirt along and simply get by while announcing the world that they have arrived and they're are welcomed. It's quite disheartening that those who have a few decades on me are not willing to push on ahead and see what the limit of pain and accomplishment resides. That no one else hunts the windmills I always scout for. To fight those bigger than you rather than pick on smaller challenges. To leave great deep tracks for the new generation to realize that Life is a challenge to be met and not an excuse to be sought. That Men and Women of steel are made from enduring punishment, heat, and opposition clambering that it can't be done. That one more step must be take.

And so, I look at what I've accomplished the past year and I wonder if I could have done more. If I could have helped, cared for, inspired, challenged and motivated more. That if there is no other windmills to face and behemoths to bring down. To seek a reason to have other to remember my name rather than to promote myself as anything other than what I am.

Life is hard. It will never be easy. It will take from you everything it can and demand more from you afterwards. It will challenge you and shove you when you are at your weakest. It pushes you and makes you want to cry uncle and in the end everything you have worked so hard to attain will be taken away from you without your consent, never heading your protests.

Life is a bastard.

And life if beautiful.

If you do not have an appreciation for the moment you will never find beauty. If you can not enjoy the passing of a special moment and know that it will not last long you will never find peace. If you do not contemplate the End and that one day people around you will gather without you for their own benefit and regale of your life in attempts to console their loss, what do you have given them to say on that day? Will they weep for your loss, say polite words holding ceremony that is in truth a mockery of what the truth is? Or will the stories come out and laughter intermixed with tears of joy flow from their faces in glee and celebration of your time here. Or will you leave possessions that others will carve up that represented your entire time on this spinning stone?

You had no control over your entrance, why not make a beautiful exit?

Why not have a beautiful death?

How?

Live every moment like your last and do not listen to your detractors or your body. Live every moment with purpose. Live well and inspire others to better. Honor those who have left us not with sorrow but with a life worthy of their influence.

Live.

So, I've take a handful of pills and I'm going back out to endure what physical punishment my aging cask will allow me to put it through until I am tapped out on the shoulder and told that I have to leave this magnificent party while it goes on.

Excuse me, I have a few things to continue.

Will write soon.

Much love.