I'm quite amazed at the potential of people lately, especially in the terms of simply being friends. Not friends with benefits, friends who are on the bench or warming up to replace the pitcher or even friends who you both can have a drink or two and end up in bed with.
Just friends.
People who you actually enjoy time with. People who make you feel as if you should have never have left to go on your way elsewhere and should remain close to them. People who make you happy to be who you are and have nothing to gain in changing you or remodeling you as someone they expect you to be. People who in a small moment bring a smile to your face despite being so far away or even in some rare occasions never to have even shared the same room with. People who make time fly past in a blink of an eye only to be replaced with a mutual feeling of joy and cherished memories. People who you can continue a conversation with as if years never past between you. People who you would cross hell and damnation to meet in times of need. People who give you more than you give them and make you wish to share your time with again.
These people are rare in this world as hard to find. I know because there are times when I do find them and I hold them dear to me in fear of losing them. I have never been this way and in truth I'm so antisocial that I do not make attempts in reaching out to others unless I feel there is something that attracts me to them in the first place. I'm a snob. Fine, I'll wear that near my letter, but I don't want to waste what little of my time I have with those who waste their time speaking of the lives of others and the importance for frivolous ideals and acts that made me want to leave high school in the first place. SO to say I'm repealed by stupidity and selfishness it not saying enough. I do what I can to go out of my way to not attract these individuals in the first place, surrounding myself with what most would consider ugly and gross. I do not want them to notice me and I do not care if they find me unapproachable, unattractive or boring.
I'm attracted to intelligence, often time looking for others who know more than I do in some sense. It does not have to be anything academic in any way as long as there is passion for what drives them and that passion is infectious. That drive to improve and make an attempt at becoming better is more than attractive, it's a must to even speak any deep words towards you. It compels me to even make an attempt to speak up and take those risks that I am often times terrified making. I make those risks now where I feel safe, but I'm safe from rejection here. With others I often feel rejection first and feel it's harsh and cold bite upon me before I realize that I do not care. Then I simply laugh it off and find amazement that such a boogy man even frightened me in any way.
I might have thick skin, but it's scared skin from many lacerations.
So to simply say that I am attracted to you is not a guarantee for anything. It simply means that I want to spend time with you. Not sex. Not making out or sending photos of genitalia or drunken texts or calls. It means that something about you compels me to discover who you are and what you mean to me. That is all. Nothing more. Sometimes I realize you are not worth my time. Other times I realize everything that shine is not always of value. And few times I realize that just because you are attractive that you are not worth more than a bit of conversation.
In truth, I've learned three things in all this.
1. Just because we are friends does not mean we are going to be anything more.
2. Other times I realize that you are worth more and I want you in my life on a permanent level and I would trust you with my life and the lives of others who are important to me. In those moments I would make you family. Family is permanent and worth the trouble. Please note, I don't fuck family. Sorry, but I don't cross that line. If you are family then you are almost sacred, not fuckable. End of discussion.
3. Few people I've been good friends with who I've had a romantic relationship with I've come to regret losing as friends. As much as I can say, my romantic life is a train wreck and I'm still trying to figure it out. Yes, I would find you more meaningful and precious, but losing you would horrify me. I've lost too many great women in my life because I crossed that line or worse, that line crossed me.
So yea, that is what I see as friends and being attractive to them. That's basically it. Nothing more and nothing less. I'm coming to understand that sex is best had by people I can consider disposable and not important to me. Saying that, I haven't been sleeping around for a long time. Sadly, I'm ok wit this. Sure not that much Oxycontin is shared, but chocolate is good and I don't have to deal with the insanity.
Or at least until I can contain that part of me that I lose when I "fall in love". So far there are more than enough individuals making damn sure I don't do anything stupid since I have horrible sense of being sexually attracted to elements that can and will hurt me. I would not be shocked that I would be turned on by fire.
Yea....blue haired girls are a no no.
Yep.....a no no. A yummy no no.
......
So.....yea.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Shower Epiphany: The Price of Words
I'm still pondering something that happens to me frequently, especially when someone gets to know me well enough. It's something usually feeds into my low self esteem at times since most people make it a habit of assuming characteristics form one's physical form rather then to ask and question the individual. It's one of the reasons why I don't like looking into mirrors, being in crowds and at times being around small children as their worried parents usually pulls them away out of some horror within their head instead of seeing that they handed me a small rock or object.
I do look menacing, I'm not going to argue that. I do look like someone who can hurt you physically and has more than enough ability to do so quickly and efficiently. It's a byproduct of training more than 25 years at my art to the level of not only understanding how delicate the human body can be, but how simple it is to cause so much harm in a few movements and miscalculated, or worse careless, movements.
The same can be said to words.
What was said to me was that they would have never imagined that I, looking very much a bruiser and menace of many sorts would have a "profound", the only saving grace in the comment, intellect and kind and sensitive nature. Yea.....ouch. It hurts. My response was not to get insulted or to even show the person how painful the statement was. I mean, why correct the oblivious when life can? Instead I simply said, that those of us who think deeply and understand the meaning and value of words usually get crushed in this world. If anything my appearance is merely defensive, as all of my training. When I weighed 129 lbs at 5'10'' I looked as if people can simply blow me away with a puff of air. They didn't understand that what I said I've meant and what I mean is a calculated thought rather than careless words. With my appearance them I was bookish, timid, weak or sweet in kinder words. A fagot, punkass, and a pussy in harsher ones.
My appearance has never matched the power of my words until I began my training once more. Even when I was 50 lbs heavier I carried an awe of dread and dare I say power that caused most people to either give me enough space or simply just continue to ostracize me. Only a few would approach me and discover that Frankenstien's monster have a mind, as abnormal as it would seem. When painfully thin it was a challenge. No one can back up their words simply with meaning and deliberate thought. Anyone who would speak that strongly would only draw challengers who thought of a rebuttal was that I can take you out into the parking lot and beat the shit out of you. Ina nation that values the Second Amendment without realizing that it was placed after the First can not value the power of communication and preservation of an idea that cause re-evolution rather than bloodied cost that is called revolution. Without understanding that true tyranny removes one's voice and creates a vacuum that causes rise to violence, one can not comprehend that words are to be protected, defended as well as cherished and valued greater than bullets. A well placed word can prevent bloodshed as well as cause it and hence must be protected at all cost as well as instill the responsibility of such use and how one's existence can change in the matter of a moment with a words.
The concept is more than frightening and reserved for nightmares and horror movies rather than deep consideration. It is something that frighten us as individuals as we knee jerk it with loudness and empty banter that has only hidden and shallow meaning instead of realizing that such horrors are not only survivable, but livable. Such hells are endured not only in despot nations that new manufactures pump out to bring the ire of a nation that has not idea what life is and isn't to those individuals, but to drive enough frenzy to cause harm out of some twisted mixture of nationalism and small genitalia compensation. Or perhaps a better result in the abject disgust without counter action which, like silence and active ignorance usually defaulted into consent.
No, such acts of horror are common in homes where thoughts are not challenged or examined, but accepted in broad brushstrokes as bad and good without second thought. Second thought and reluctantness would be characterized as deviant, perverse and cast down as cause and reason for punishment that somehow does not equate to justice and liberty if the math is examined closely. Words have been fought over, even when their meanings are unknown. It's been said that slaves read the bible in rebellion simply knowing that the act of reading is punishable to death and yet it would be centuries before the progeny of those slaves would understand the item was not coveted for the message it carried, since it sanctified slavery, but in the act in itself.
Having my own voice taken, or more precisely explained ignorantly rejected, I've come to understand that power of words and meaning. How one changed word can be detrimental to a general message, especially from those who quote mine and wish to create loopholes where there is none to be found. A strong message and well thought idea can change minds instantly and provoke deeper understanding, inspire debate as well as a free circulation of thoughts and examination of what we are and what we wish to be in this short moment we call life. It can convey emotion that lingers or simply free the minds of those who believe themselves islands rather than among others of the like. Communication has been regulated, guarded, censored and held on trial for the greater good and moral upstanding of ideals that are to this day held as unquestionable. We are watched and yet shocked when our watchmen do not hold true to the regiment forced upon us at times. We can not understand that liberty is never stolen but foolishly relinquished.
And yet, there is a price. Imagine how many error you have committed that only a well placed would would have saved. Or the lack of a word would have protected. Or simply remaining silent. That power hold us responsible for what we dare to speak, much more what we mindlessly utter. It's those consequences that we end up in angst and and in our moment of rue that we only wish to return back to that moment and speak differently;. We come to realize that our words often cost us more than we are willing to lose. That we can not afford to harm. We discover that words must be protected for all of our sakes.
And so, I know my mind is never sought unless a moment arises and I leave most dumbfounded and shocked. The monster speaks and yet he speak with eloquence and meaning that has everyone in awe yet not enough to question why. A miserable few do seek me out, yet usually with morbid curiosity or even in mediums such as this one where I am limited and only what I want is passed on. I am filtered into approved morsels and swallowed without further thought. It is very rare to find others like myself and those moments are cherished and enjoyed on the level of last bits that have to suffice as present memory for hard times.
So yes, I am misconstrued not by my own words, but just for the assumption that some ignorance does not escape my mouth as many assume. It is why I choose to remain silent among you and often play into your ignorant assumptions with secret puckish intentions. It's what keeps me from falling into sadness at being misunderstood before my mouth opens.
Oh well......
I do look menacing, I'm not going to argue that. I do look like someone who can hurt you physically and has more than enough ability to do so quickly and efficiently. It's a byproduct of training more than 25 years at my art to the level of not only understanding how delicate the human body can be, but how simple it is to cause so much harm in a few movements and miscalculated, or worse careless, movements.
The same can be said to words.
What was said to me was that they would have never imagined that I, looking very much a bruiser and menace of many sorts would have a "profound", the only saving grace in the comment, intellect and kind and sensitive nature. Yea.....ouch. It hurts. My response was not to get insulted or to even show the person how painful the statement was. I mean, why correct the oblivious when life can? Instead I simply said, that those of us who think deeply and understand the meaning and value of words usually get crushed in this world. If anything my appearance is merely defensive, as all of my training. When I weighed 129 lbs at 5'10'' I looked as if people can simply blow me away with a puff of air. They didn't understand that what I said I've meant and what I mean is a calculated thought rather than careless words. With my appearance them I was bookish, timid, weak or sweet in kinder words. A fagot, punkass, and a pussy in harsher ones.
My appearance has never matched the power of my words until I began my training once more. Even when I was 50 lbs heavier I carried an awe of dread and dare I say power that caused most people to either give me enough space or simply just continue to ostracize me. Only a few would approach me and discover that Frankenstien's monster have a mind, as abnormal as it would seem. When painfully thin it was a challenge. No one can back up their words simply with meaning and deliberate thought. Anyone who would speak that strongly would only draw challengers who thought of a rebuttal was that I can take you out into the parking lot and beat the shit out of you. Ina nation that values the Second Amendment without realizing that it was placed after the First can not value the power of communication and preservation of an idea that cause re-evolution rather than bloodied cost that is called revolution. Without understanding that true tyranny removes one's voice and creates a vacuum that causes rise to violence, one can not comprehend that words are to be protected, defended as well as cherished and valued greater than bullets. A well placed word can prevent bloodshed as well as cause it and hence must be protected at all cost as well as instill the responsibility of such use and how one's existence can change in the matter of a moment with a words.
The concept is more than frightening and reserved for nightmares and horror movies rather than deep consideration. It is something that frighten us as individuals as we knee jerk it with loudness and empty banter that has only hidden and shallow meaning instead of realizing that such horrors are not only survivable, but livable. Such hells are endured not only in despot nations that new manufactures pump out to bring the ire of a nation that has not idea what life is and isn't to those individuals, but to drive enough frenzy to cause harm out of some twisted mixture of nationalism and small genitalia compensation. Or perhaps a better result in the abject disgust without counter action which, like silence and active ignorance usually defaulted into consent.
No, such acts of horror are common in homes where thoughts are not challenged or examined, but accepted in broad brushstrokes as bad and good without second thought. Second thought and reluctantness would be characterized as deviant, perverse and cast down as cause and reason for punishment that somehow does not equate to justice and liberty if the math is examined closely. Words have been fought over, even when their meanings are unknown. It's been said that slaves read the bible in rebellion simply knowing that the act of reading is punishable to death and yet it would be centuries before the progeny of those slaves would understand the item was not coveted for the message it carried, since it sanctified slavery, but in the act in itself.
Having my own voice taken, or more precisely explained ignorantly rejected, I've come to understand that power of words and meaning. How one changed word can be detrimental to a general message, especially from those who quote mine and wish to create loopholes where there is none to be found. A strong message and well thought idea can change minds instantly and provoke deeper understanding, inspire debate as well as a free circulation of thoughts and examination of what we are and what we wish to be in this short moment we call life. It can convey emotion that lingers or simply free the minds of those who believe themselves islands rather than among others of the like. Communication has been regulated, guarded, censored and held on trial for the greater good and moral upstanding of ideals that are to this day held as unquestionable. We are watched and yet shocked when our watchmen do not hold true to the regiment forced upon us at times. We can not understand that liberty is never stolen but foolishly relinquished.
And yet, there is a price. Imagine how many error you have committed that only a well placed would would have saved. Or the lack of a word would have protected. Or simply remaining silent. That power hold us responsible for what we dare to speak, much more what we mindlessly utter. It's those consequences that we end up in angst and and in our moment of rue that we only wish to return back to that moment and speak differently;. We come to realize that our words often cost us more than we are willing to lose. That we can not afford to harm. We discover that words must be protected for all of our sakes.
And so, I know my mind is never sought unless a moment arises and I leave most dumbfounded and shocked. The monster speaks and yet he speak with eloquence and meaning that has everyone in awe yet not enough to question why. A miserable few do seek me out, yet usually with morbid curiosity or even in mediums such as this one where I am limited and only what I want is passed on. I am filtered into approved morsels and swallowed without further thought. It is very rare to find others like myself and those moments are cherished and enjoyed on the level of last bits that have to suffice as present memory for hard times.
So yes, I am misconstrued not by my own words, but just for the assumption that some ignorance does not escape my mouth as many assume. It is why I choose to remain silent among you and often play into your ignorant assumptions with secret puckish intentions. It's what keeps me from falling into sadness at being misunderstood before my mouth opens.
“...once I falsely hoped to meet the beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities which I was capable of unfolding.”
Oh well......
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Shower Epiphany: So I find you attractive: a concise guide to what I actually mean when I say it and other tips in dealing with me
Speaking to a good friend yesterday, I realize that I'm a bit of an oddity, especially when she calls me one. This usually come to light when we are discussion how I don't usually fit with what the majority of "alpha males" are doing to get the attention of potential mate. I've come to realize that I guess it's my fault since I usually make most people, especially women confused, so I'm going to screw around with a pamphlet that helps people figure me out a bit more. The working title is going to be "So I find you attractive: a concise guide to what I actually mean when I say it." Some topics include:
What do I want from you? Nothing really:how hanging out is just that and not a sneaky way into your pants.
What's your favorite color?: How I usually pick things up for people since I see them and how it does not mean I'm trying to getting you to "owe me" and probably paying you back for treating for a meal.
Why are you breaking up with me or giving me the girlfriend talk?: Even if we hang out and I care alot about you, it does now mean we are in a relationship. If I haven't seen you at minimum naked I don't need the girlfriend talk. That's just your emotions trying to deal with someone who actually cares about others. Imagine that, care about you without sex?
"Oh wow, this is an interesting conversation we are having......um, my boyfriend also cares about this topic....:How it's ok to enjoy a conversation without having guilt of having one without your significant other. No, it' snot cheating. It's just being interesting. You know, like that beer guy? Interesting?
"It's kind of late do you want to crash here?" : How I didn't get your hint on sleeping with you and you should probably just come out an mention it. I'm a simple creature who doesn't think he is attractive, especially after that threeway you talked about just a little while ago.
"Wait.....what are you doing? Why did you stop?": How I listen to the word "No" and how to cope with that. I know, I actually listened.
And so many more! Sign up now and you also get a list of things that I care about and not give a rat's ass for, such as....
*I like science and research not fairy tales and stories of your friends brother that proves that dogs have souls or leprechauns.
*Being nice to rude people is my way of laughing since I know they're so close to getting beat down and I want people to see how much of an ass they are before I snap
*I don't care about famous people or millionaires. I'm sure they have their issues and problems. I just don't care. Anyone who can afford a decent amount of food in their fridge are not usually on my list so......oh well
And!
*Someone is being an ass on tv and everyone is talking about it.......ok, I'm going to continue not to care about twerking, or tongues out, or being high on camera because.....well, I rather not deal with stupid shit when there are real things to deal with.
AND MUCH....MUCH MORE! Order yours now.
*takes a bow*
What do I want from you? Nothing really:how hanging out is just that and not a sneaky way into your pants.
What's your favorite color?: How I usually pick things up for people since I see them and how it does not mean I'm trying to getting you to "owe me" and probably paying you back for treating for a meal.
Why are you breaking up with me or giving me the girlfriend talk?: Even if we hang out and I care alot about you, it does now mean we are in a relationship. If I haven't seen you at minimum naked I don't need the girlfriend talk. That's just your emotions trying to deal with someone who actually cares about others. Imagine that, care about you without sex?
"Oh wow, this is an interesting conversation we are having......um, my boyfriend also cares about this topic....:How it's ok to enjoy a conversation without having guilt of having one without your significant other. No, it' snot cheating. It's just being interesting. You know, like that beer guy? Interesting?
"It's kind of late do you want to crash here?" : How I didn't get your hint on sleeping with you and you should probably just come out an mention it. I'm a simple creature who doesn't think he is attractive, especially after that threeway you talked about just a little while ago.
"Wait.....what are you doing? Why did you stop?": How I listen to the word "No" and how to cope with that. I know, I actually listened.
And so many more! Sign up now and you also get a list of things that I care about and not give a rat's ass for, such as....
*I like science and research not fairy tales and stories of your friends brother that proves that dogs have souls or leprechauns.
*Being nice to rude people is my way of laughing since I know they're so close to getting beat down and I want people to see how much of an ass they are before I snap
*I don't care about famous people or millionaires. I'm sure they have their issues and problems. I just don't care. Anyone who can afford a decent amount of food in their fridge are not usually on my list so......oh well
And!
*Someone is being an ass on tv and everyone is talking about it.......ok, I'm going to continue not to care about twerking, or tongues out, or being high on camera because.....well, I rather not deal with stupid shit when there are real things to deal with.
AND MUCH....MUCH MORE! Order yours now.
*takes a bow*
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Shower Epiphany: Self Conscious Work Ethic of the Inadiquate
I've come to realize that my lack of confidence is probably the greatest motivator I have. Mind you, I'm in no way saying it's a good thing or that I'm happy always feeling that I'm not good enough to do certain things, yet after reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers I've come to realize that there are very few of us with that natural talent of simple being the best at something. Few of us can say, "hey, I'm so and so" and people will swoon. Few of us can actually pick up something and simple be magnificent at it off the bat. Yes, those people are talented and special. And yet there are limiters to them. If they do not have the opportunity to practice, improve, explore and love their work their gift is worthless. You need to put in work in order to expose that greatness.
So enter me. I know I'm not many things and I have a heavy feeling of not belonging anyways so you would figure that would have me locked up in a room. And yet, I know there is something to me if I put in enough work. I never believed that I was smart enough to go to college until I memorized and can predict the frequency of periodicals, the shipments, the time and who requested them from top of my head. I know it's stupid. I just memorized close to 2000 magazines and newspapers, but the part that dawned at me is that if I put my self at it I was not going to be this virtuoso at publishing, but my hard work would not only keep me competitive, but almost at the peak where I can see these naturally brilliant people. It's stupid, but I learned how to learn, even if it took me a decade to get it to an art. I think that ability is not giving me an edge in thinking.
Not strong enough? Hit the pile again. Not fast enough? Run more. Not smart enough? Study two hours more to the 6 I already am studying at. not creative enough? Read and foster that ability. Not healthy enough? Change my habits slowly to ensure permanent and positive change and move gradually. Not kind enough? Look who is and study their ability and thoughts to cultivate that ability. There is nothing I can not do to improve myself if I feel I am not enough.
......yea....maybe that too.
I'm not one to say I'm handsome or even attractive naturally, but I'm witty and smart and entertaining enough to make anyone forget that. I clean up nicely because I'm not changing myself physically but simply improving the package. I'm understanding, just as Louis C.K. does, that if I have ever had someone attracted to me it was never physically. It was that I had traits that overlooked them. I can not improve how I look to a certain degree, but I can remain fit and active. I can regulate my weight and muscle mass. I can choose what I want to wear and how I want to look. I have more options that I realize, especially considering that I'm trying to play for the end game. I'm going to be hitting 40 soon and I don't want to hit that steep slope of change that all men struggle with. I don't want to be that old guy who has trouble. I'm just liking how my life is getting so I want to keep it a bit longer. I want to be that old guy who dies on the track. I've already gotten compliments that I don't seem my age and not just from my behavior. I live that. I can not do anything about aging, but getting old is not an option. I already lost years of my life due to sickness and pressure that I will not get back, so why not make life better overall?
Yea, I may be unattractive in my 60's but I'm still going to be running. I'm going to be running away from a cane and wheelchair. I'm going to be lifting, training, working out, and eating well so that nothing stops me from what I want to do. I'm still that kid screaming, "you can't tell me what to do." Why would I let age and wasted ability to take that away from me too? I know I have genes that are going to work against me, why not bring the fight to them?
So.....if I know I'm not good enough and I drive myself to work more at it, earn my 10,000 hours and then some, is it still a bad thing?
That is the question I'm not pondering. It's like the whole, if Hitler was so evil and spit fire at blind babies could he still pick a flower and hand it to someone out of kindness, sort of crappery that we like to paint things black and white.
So...yea.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Shower Epiphany: How big is big enough?
I was looking through social media when I found a photo of a standard stick shift with the caption of "If you man can't use one of these then you have a girlfriend." I chuckled, but not in the way you may think. I like the fact that I'm over anything like this. I'm happy that this doesn't have any affect on me, positive or negative.
I'll explain.
My son is staying with us now and he's this 19 year old kid who is mature for his age, yet a bit childish. Either way I'm happy that he has that childish side since he lived things rough back east, living in Detroit. There was a point where he was on his own and he learned some hard lessons on who people are, what they can be, and what they show you. It's given him a hard look to him, but just enough. Nothing permanent.
That hard look.
Overall, he's doing well here and he's on his way to starting life well. He's confident, kind, and above all not threatened. He knows what he is, who he is, has a sense of his strengths and weaknesses and understanding of what he wants to do. Thankfully he escaped the trap if MANHOOD (should be read with a flaming erection and ejaculating cars.....see the Fast and Furious for reference).
My father and I had a conversation over him one day and how comfortable he is in his skin when the question of when we felt comfortable came up in which we spoke sbout patriarchy and it can even have a negative aspect on the lives of me, believe it or not. Especially in the Latino community where the size of everything has to be big: your junk, ego, car, shoes, girlfriend's tits, your baby son's junk and so on. There is a strong abd often time heavy weight where you have to be all man all the time like some sort of Spike show with flaming tits and cat ejaculate. You get the point, brought to you by Axe body spray.
And yet, I reminded him of our line. My son plays music and is thin, vegetarian, and very non threatening. I practice several martial arts, have fought on the street and dojo, have numerous injuries to my practice and know that I may walk my later years with a cane. My face looks very thuggish from my broken nose and I carry a ln aura, if you will, of hostility and fear when in truth I'm quite the intellectual softy.
My father has been in the military, an athlete, boxer, a bouncer, bartender, gang leader back in the greaser years where you settled it with fists and with the bigger guy or "if he's shorter than you, him and his friends", and over all badass. He has an air of a Mafia Don and his ringtone on my phone for him is Sabbath's Devil's tone.
Yea, he's huge in a daunting way.
My grandfather has done much more, yet nothing expresses this loving and kind man more of the lethal predator of his age like simply stating that he was a veteran of the Mexican revolution and when my father would get in trouble his remedy was to hand over a loaded 45 and remind my father that the desert has no memory.
Yea... my sweet grandfather had a heavy hand and a no nonsense outlook to survival.
And my father hold an anger and resentment to this day. And he asked me if I hated him. I told him I used to. Not because he was a bad person, but because it seemed that is what is supposed to happen. Fathers make their sons into men and instill that hatered they need to do the same with their sons.
I didn't want to continue that cycle. I love my father. I knew we were caught in a cycle that questioned our manhood, yet I remembered waking in my crib and wanting to see him as he came back from work at midnight. I remember him raising me while my mother worked also. I was raised in a kitchen where women had no place and meals were made with love. I remember running home from school to catch him driving off so that I can wave goodbye. He left warm food and post it notes with messages that read, "study after you eat."
Even the moments when he wasn't physically there he was. And he was loving. He inspired me to break the cycle. I raised my son and daughter with not heavy hand and hugged both. I cooked and bathed and did hair in sometimes acceptable braids. I've pushed strollers, changed diapers, told bedtime stories and hid behind hands with them in scary parts of movies.
In no way would we fit into the model of manhood. So that should change. I taught the value of saying and listening to NO as well as including within the talk a section on concent and when is sex love and love sex. I told them that sexuality us broad, love is love as long as no one is hurt, and nothing would stop me loving them.
I didn't want them to use my rough and angry parts as a standard so I displayed other nurturing and kind aspects while wrestling with my demons. I wanted them to have freedom of expression, anger, and intellect while observing proper mediation ceremonies. I wanted the to question all and doubt everything until evidence proves true, including and especially me and all authority.
I wanted them to never hate me or to make excuses on my I had a cruel side. That cycle dies with me. So seeing my son embrace his creative side and pull mine out has been blissful. Finding a kinder side to me and helping me to be open to being loved and open has helped me greatly. It has brought life and hope back to my life.
So.......yea, I can't operate a stick. I tried and I'm sure I can learn if needed. Or I can just be some luck woman's girlfriend.
Either or. Whatever is best.
Where is my Mind?: An Apology
I know, I know.
I haven't been writing for a while since I've been on a mental roller coaster of for the past few months and even though the threats you've all been making to make me write again have been funny....and a bit creepy......and yes, one.....kinda sounds fun, but I digress. I promise to start writing up in full steam by April. Until then I'm going to be posting just smaller pieces here and there. More Shower Epiphanies and random thoughts so that I can limber up and drop a few Love's Naloxone.
I never knew my misery has brought so much enjoyment to so many. So yea, I'm ok. Not as happy and then again I'm not as suicidal as one would think. I'm connecting once more with my misery and angst so you have much to look forward to. Until then I'm sharing a few things I've written out of dire need. Yes, I need to write. I need to vent and I need to strip for you and expose every flaw and weakness to my voyeuristic readers for you ......enjoyment. Just please, no more pictures of the teddy bear being molested.
Just.....ewww.....ick.
So I'm back my writing and also my drinking. Feel free to read on and yes, continue to contact me.
Thanks for being there.
So.....yea........Um.....Placebo with Frank Black.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPE2zKbORF0&list=PL499C4E6F72830B8F
I haven't been writing for a while since I've been on a mental roller coaster of for the past few months and even though the threats you've all been making to make me write again have been funny....and a bit creepy......and yes, one.....kinda sounds fun, but I digress. I promise to start writing up in full steam by April. Until then I'm going to be posting just smaller pieces here and there. More Shower Epiphanies and random thoughts so that I can limber up and drop a few Love's Naloxone.
I never knew my misery has brought so much enjoyment to so many. So yea, I'm ok. Not as happy and then again I'm not as suicidal as one would think. I'm connecting once more with my misery and angst so you have much to look forward to. Until then I'm sharing a few things I've written out of dire need. Yes, I need to write. I need to vent and I need to strip for you and expose every flaw and weakness to my voyeuristic readers for you ......enjoyment. Just please, no more pictures of the teddy bear being molested.
Just.....ewww.....ick.
So I'm back my writing and also my drinking. Feel free to read on and yes, continue to contact me.
Thanks for being there.
So.....yea........Um.....Placebo with Frank Black.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPE2zKbORF0&list=PL499C4E6F72830B8F
Shower Epiphany: How much less can I give you? Pt. 2
I've finally figured out what pissed me off this week and why it did. Took me a while, but it finally hit home.
Ever been insulted by someone and you realize that they have NO IDEA what they're talking about? Like being called a cow or fat ass and you weigh 60 lbs soaking wet. You get hurt and then you realize that.....wait, did you just say that? Do you even know me enough to insult me?
In my case, it was that I'm forcing myself on someone hoping that they are, I have no idea ....pressured to return affection back.
Really?
Have you ever met me? I have friends who dragged my ass around for close to a decade and finally started to crack my antisocial shell, all the while I'm feeling out of place, isolated, and have made constant.....CONSTANT attempts to get away. People have waited outside the housr and honked and threatened to cut my wifi to get me outside. But im going to nake someone spend time with me?
Not only that, but force my OUTWARDLY AND GRAND AFFECTION towards someone who not only said that they were not interested, but I'm going to ignore that and IMPOSE myself on them because hey, I'm an attractive and confident guy. Even more so that I can simply force my affection.....that's the one that gets me....towards someone.
Really? I feel awkward alone at home. I mean if you are going to accuse me of something make it realistic. Say I'm hard to get a hold of. Say that I'm moody, sarcastic, and an ass. Tell me that I can even see someone is interested in me outside of telling me and/or jumping me......yea, I know....that actually happens. Tell me I get distracted and pulled away by the world as I try to help EVERYONE I know WITHOUT any reward or demands. Shoot, I have people angry at me for not visiting them yet......and they like me somehow?!?
If even remotely told to go away and I leave.....in pilgrimage mode. I get away from people for the fear that they'll get sick of me. I've spent at least a week without speaking to another human being and usually apologetic if I even make eye contact. Trust me, I don't need to be told to leave anyone alone, much less keep any feelings in check to prevent misunderstandings. I've killed more attractions and crushes before the hour is over. I am not one to ask anyone for anything, much less affection.
What's worse I've avoided then for while now and they expect me not only to behave, but to carry on as if we don't have an issue. Yes, we do.....you are a dumbass. And that is usually the final coffin nail I need to cut people out.
So yea.....trust me. I don't need anything from anyone. Shoot, I'd love to stop hugging my children if they can just understand that I have issues with affection,but hey, they love their loving father who hugs them on request. Go freaking figure.
Geesh......shit like this.
Ever been insulted by someone and you realize that they have NO IDEA what they're talking about? Like being called a cow or fat ass and you weigh 60 lbs soaking wet. You get hurt and then you realize that.....wait, did you just say that? Do you even know me enough to insult me?
In my case, it was that I'm forcing myself on someone hoping that they are, I have no idea ....pressured to return affection back.
Really?
Have you ever met me? I have friends who dragged my ass around for close to a decade and finally started to crack my antisocial shell, all the while I'm feeling out of place, isolated, and have made constant.....CONSTANT attempts to get away. People have waited outside the housr and honked and threatened to cut my wifi to get me outside. But im going to nake someone spend time with me?
Not only that, but force my OUTWARDLY AND GRAND AFFECTION towards someone who not only said that they were not interested, but I'm going to ignore that and IMPOSE myself on them because hey, I'm an attractive and confident guy. Even more so that I can simply force my affection.....that's the one that gets me....towards someone.
Really? I feel awkward alone at home. I mean if you are going to accuse me of something make it realistic. Say I'm hard to get a hold of. Say that I'm moody, sarcastic, and an ass. Tell me that I can even see someone is interested in me outside of telling me and/or jumping me......yea, I know....that actually happens. Tell me I get distracted and pulled away by the world as I try to help EVERYONE I know WITHOUT any reward or demands. Shoot, I have people angry at me for not visiting them yet......and they like me somehow?!?
If even remotely told to go away and I leave.....in pilgrimage mode. I get away from people for the fear that they'll get sick of me. I've spent at least a week without speaking to another human being and usually apologetic if I even make eye contact. Trust me, I don't need to be told to leave anyone alone, much less keep any feelings in check to prevent misunderstandings. I've killed more attractions and crushes before the hour is over. I am not one to ask anyone for anything, much less affection.
What's worse I've avoided then for while now and they expect me not only to behave, but to carry on as if we don't have an issue. Yes, we do.....you are a dumbass. And that is usually the final coffin nail I need to cut people out.
So yea.....trust me. I don't need anything from anyone. Shoot, I'd love to stop hugging my children if they can just understand that I have issues with affection,but hey, they love their loving father who hugs them on request. Go freaking figure.
Geesh......shit like this.
Shower Epiphany: How much less can I give you? Pt. 1
So the other day I get seriously pist off by someone who thinks I'm hitting on them when in truth I'm doing my best to avoid them in any social way. Made me doubt myself for a good while saying what few hours I spend with them is somehow equivalent to me paying attention to them in some sort of romantic way.
Yea.....that kind of confused the fuck out of me. And then I think about some of you people who I haven't seen and spoken to in the longest time. People who keep telling me I need to call/visit/get on a damn plane after I burned every last bridge behind me. I think about you and I honestly what the fuck is wrong with them and what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm getting "the talk" as if I'm planning something when most people who actually know me know that I'm not only antisocial, but I make lesser antisocial people more social by comparison. And somehow I'm forcing intentions on someone? Are you sure you think it's me and not anyone else?
Seriously? I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing to seduce. I'm having a minimal conversation and some guys send pictures of their wiener to people they barely know. You're going to lump me up with them? Really?
As if I'm not the person who cuts ties as quick as I can breathe? Really? And I started to entertain the idea! As if I'm somehow shoving subliminal messages to them. Goodlets have sexmorning or something. Geesh. I showed my entire interaction to The Boy and I asked, am I crazy to be insulted or am I somehow doing this? He laughed and realized that some of the stories that I tell him may be true after all.
I mean, I already feel like a pariah most of the time and would not sooner stop talking in general, but damn this individual has made me feel more uneasy than anyone and they still have the fucking idea that I'm hitting on them? REALLY??!?!?!?
Shit like this just solidify the idea that I'm going to die alone and I'm actually starting to like the concept.
Geesh. Maybe I should leave everyone alone. Here I have friends who have driven hours and miles away to drive me back to spend fucking time with my antisocial ass and I'm somehow forcing intentions on someone? Really? Is my ego that unchecked? Am I doing something new?
That's it. New rule, I'm walking around with a pointy stick and I'm poking anyone who makes eye contact with me. Sorry, they fucked it up for anyone stupid enough to think I'm worth their time. Oh wells.....
Yea.....that kind of confused the fuck out of me. And then I think about some of you people who I haven't seen and spoken to in the longest time. People who keep telling me I need to call/visit/get on a damn plane after I burned every last bridge behind me. I think about you and I honestly what the fuck is wrong with them and what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm getting "the talk" as if I'm planning something when most people who actually know me know that I'm not only antisocial, but I make lesser antisocial people more social by comparison. And somehow I'm forcing intentions on someone? Are you sure you think it's me and not anyone else?
Seriously? I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing to seduce. I'm having a minimal conversation and some guys send pictures of their wiener to people they barely know. You're going to lump me up with them? Really?
As if I'm not the person who cuts ties as quick as I can breathe? Really? And I started to entertain the idea! As if I'm somehow shoving subliminal messages to them. Goodlets have sexmorning or something. Geesh. I showed my entire interaction to The Boy and I asked, am I crazy to be insulted or am I somehow doing this? He laughed and realized that some of the stories that I tell him may be true after all.
I mean, I already feel like a pariah most of the time and would not sooner stop talking in general, but damn this individual has made me feel more uneasy than anyone and they still have the fucking idea that I'm hitting on them? REALLY??!?!?!?
Shit like this just solidify the idea that I'm going to die alone and I'm actually starting to like the concept.
Geesh. Maybe I should leave everyone alone. Here I have friends who have driven hours and miles away to drive me back to spend fucking time with my antisocial ass and I'm somehow forcing intentions on someone? Really? Is my ego that unchecked? Am I doing something new?
That's it. New rule, I'm walking around with a pointy stick and I'm poking anyone who makes eye contact with me. Sorry, they fucked it up for anyone stupid enough to think I'm worth their time. Oh wells.....
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Shower Epiphany: An Honest Relationship
My old friend Joe from my SMC days once told me that the most honest relationship is on the planet is between prostitute and John. Money is exchanged for services. Anything else is extra. Nothing personal. Kind of depressing, but true.
And yet, I have to say no. There is another. While passing by doing laundry the Small Blonde looks up at me from her bed and she wags her tail happily. I give her attention, she wags tail and loves it. I feed her, she thanks me. We spend happy time then she goes off into the sunny spot to take a nap. I come back into the room, she's happy to see me. I leave, she whimpers. I have something yummy and I treat her. I sleep alone and she comes up for cuddle time and sometimes wakes me by bathing. Overall, when she wants me around she goes look for me. When she is tired, she leaves.
Simple and a lot more wholesome.
And yet, I have to say no. There is another. While passing by doing laundry the Small Blonde looks up at me from her bed and she wags her tail happily. I give her attention, she wags tail and loves it. I feed her, she thanks me. We spend happy time then she goes off into the sunny spot to take a nap. I come back into the room, she's happy to see me. I leave, she whimpers. I have something yummy and I treat her. I sleep alone and she comes up for cuddle time and sometimes wakes me by bathing. Overall, when she wants me around she goes look for me. When she is tired, she leaves.
Simple and a lot more wholesome.
When no one is looking.....
When no one is looking.....
1. I do the cookie dance if I have said cookie in my grasp. The larger the cookie the longer the dance.
2. I hide money in your pockets and purses, especially when you didn't let me pay when I wanted to.
3. I pull out quarters out of my pocket and pop them into random parking meters.
4. I try not to step on ants.
5. I have conversations with the dog/cat/phone that includes polite titles.
6. I also hug said pets and whisper that I love them so much and spoil them any chance I get so when their time is up I never feel that I never had the chance to show them how much I loved them.
7. I make random fart sounds using my mouth until I laugh myself silly.
8. I peak. Sometimes I wish I didn't. Other times I'm not impressed.
9. I run my finger into a new jar of peanut butter and leave my mark.
10. I pick up random baby clothes in their odd toddler like hangers and make them walk and then hug them before I put them back to the rack.
11. I make funny faces at others and play it off when they look towards me.
12. I check out women three times. Once to see if they are generally attractive to me. Two to check out how cute their outfit is and make mental notes to share with others who know that flats can ruin the effect. And the third time, to see if I can pick up any cool points markers, i.e. cool books, geek stalk, random nerd quotes that make me squeal in my head.
13. Randomly squeal in my head over how awesome something is while looking unphased.
14. I imitate you. I'm getting kind of good, but I still have trouble with the ears.
15. Sock puppets.
16. I move a random quarter vending machine toy monkey that I keep at your place to random places. So far, you don't notice.
17. I put on your hats, glasses, and scarves to take off notice of the fact that I still have trouble doing the ears.
18. I wake up and hug myself ok, making sure that the horrible nightmare I had didn't chase me here and try to remind myself that I'm not 6 anymore. Doesn't really help unless I am able to sleep with someone, or a pet, or stuffed animal to remind me that it's ok.
19. I still have stuffed animals and not you can't have them since they are mine and they mean the world to me.
20. I wonder why you are not looking and decide to look in the direction you are looking.
21. I tend to cut myself, light myself on fire, or bruise myself. I wish you were looking cause I have no idea how this is happening to me. Oh well.....what are you looking at?
22. Sing off key until I make fart sounds with my mouth and so on.
23. I smile.
24. I do what needs to be done before people start to realize that something isn't done.
25. I miss a handful of people and wonder why the world has take me away from them.
1. I do the cookie dance if I have said cookie in my grasp. The larger the cookie the longer the dance.
2. I hide money in your pockets and purses, especially when you didn't let me pay when I wanted to.
3. I pull out quarters out of my pocket and pop them into random parking meters.
4. I try not to step on ants.
5. I have conversations with the dog/cat/phone that includes polite titles.
6. I also hug said pets and whisper that I love them so much and spoil them any chance I get so when their time is up I never feel that I never had the chance to show them how much I loved them.
7. I make random fart sounds using my mouth until I laugh myself silly.
8. I peak. Sometimes I wish I didn't. Other times I'm not impressed.
9. I run my finger into a new jar of peanut butter and leave my mark.
10. I pick up random baby clothes in their odd toddler like hangers and make them walk and then hug them before I put them back to the rack.
11. I make funny faces at others and play it off when they look towards me.
12. I check out women three times. Once to see if they are generally attractive to me. Two to check out how cute their outfit is and make mental notes to share with others who know that flats can ruin the effect. And the third time, to see if I can pick up any cool points markers, i.e. cool books, geek stalk, random nerd quotes that make me squeal in my head.
13. Randomly squeal in my head over how awesome something is while looking unphased.
14. I imitate you. I'm getting kind of good, but I still have trouble with the ears.
15. Sock puppets.
16. I move a random quarter vending machine toy monkey that I keep at your place to random places. So far, you don't notice.
17. I put on your hats, glasses, and scarves to take off notice of the fact that I still have trouble doing the ears.
18. I wake up and hug myself ok, making sure that the horrible nightmare I had didn't chase me here and try to remind myself that I'm not 6 anymore. Doesn't really help unless I am able to sleep with someone, or a pet, or stuffed animal to remind me that it's ok.
19. I still have stuffed animals and not you can't have them since they are mine and they mean the world to me.
20. I wonder why you are not looking and decide to look in the direction you are looking.
21. I tend to cut myself, light myself on fire, or bruise myself. I wish you were looking cause I have no idea how this is happening to me. Oh well.....what are you looking at?
22. Sing off key until I make fart sounds with my mouth and so on.
23. I smile.
24. I do what needs to be done before people start to realize that something isn't done.
25. I miss a handful of people and wonder why the world has take me away from them.
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