*Most of you won't read this. Cause it's too long. Im ok with that. It's not on me if you finally get me to share and you say.......nah.......too much reading. I mean....fuck that shit.....So I'll warn you now that you probably won't get the payoff you wanted for the investment.
So yea. That's why we don't have coffee together. If you call yourself a friend you have to endure this shit.....because I can talk or write.....until I have no strength in me to do....so yea.....warned. Im good with it. Its a natural filter and I don't have to endure tedious contact.
I already lost most of your with the word tedious. So, yea.....warned*
It's funny, really. All of it is funny. Especially when I have a tendency to forget and usually make an attempt to broaden my horizons.
I watched a recipe for the most amazing food. I always wanted or figured that I can do something culinarily awesome at times and always wonder why I never attempted it before. Usually, I question why and wonder what were my limiting factors and how come I was so limited to trying things.
So I take a chance. Don't ever say I don't take chances, especially since every train wreck of a life decision I have ever made was due to taking a bloody chance. In fact, the only reason why I have made any progress was relearning to take chances after a good couple of decades of train wrecks that somehow still haunt me to this day, most certainly involving a woman who said I mattered the world to her, sometimes a cult, and mostly someone who believed I was too big for my britches in thinking I was should be human.
So don't say I don't take chances. Cause I've taken all of them only to realize that a small decision has always caused me more pain that I could imagine and why I am known to mull over decisions and choices with patience *read, stubbornness* and analytical prowess that involve at least seven to ten steps ahead of any choice, even as mundane as what should I have for lunch.
That's why we're here, no...my choice....why I am in a world of pain and reminded of old rules that should be considered laws since I more than dread that moment of clarity when you realize you did this to yourself. That your choice of food, time or even companionship if causing your anguish in which your own analytical mind is constantly lacing all the factors on why you do not do A since A will lead to F in a natural progression that you cant even justify in not understanding.
What am I trying to say.....not to try things....not to be bold? Not to say good morning to the blond pixie that is trying her best to interact with you in some way to cause you to mumble more than 6 words at a given time. To order the dish that you wonder why you are not enjoying it lately because you adore grapes. Or that realizing that you should trust those around you. You can not out logic yourself out of pain and error, even if your choices cause you immense suffering, such as this moment.
And yet, here we are as I attempt to contemplate why I am here.....again. The same place where I am wondering why this is happening to me and what I have done or negated to do to cause this moment. It always comes to me, you know. I can not control the universe, but I can control my interaction. Or my understanding of it. Or how I should endure it as life decides without my input to cause me to endure what I am now and other times. And yet, I am feeling different. I will say hello to the pixie. I will take chances to be here again. I will order from the back of the menu and try things that will cause me to endure once more, not due to recklessness or my trademarked suicidal tendencies, but just because I forget why I cannot enjoy something that causes me joy, even for a moment if only to cause me a degree of suffering. So I do have ice cream or real cream in my coffee if I choose it. Some things are worth the pain. Some things are worth enduring and showing someone that you can try something you crave or even need, even if you are doubled over in ever-growing anguish.
So yea, Im stupid. I am stupid because I wanted to join the experience and share something with others. I chose this. I suffer the consequences. I will probably do it again, even if I suffer it again or am uncomfortable or have to find a creative way to tell that adorable pixie that I am a bit broken to envelop her in my arms and no, that doesn't make me forbidden fruit because I rather not complicate her existence and these choices keep me out of trunks.
But, yea.......the white miso I bought. The nice stuff from Japan that I chose over price and wanted to make my existence a bit nicer. I cant have that. Cause soy. And it causes me the worse and most enduring pain for the next 8 hours. I forgot I could not have it. Any of it. In any form. Because fuck me. and 8 hours of the most stomach screaming pain.
This is my life now.
I wonder if the pixie likes jasmine tea
