Quarter a peep

Working on a thought. Should have it up by tonight. Feel free to comment. It makes me feel less like I'm working at a peep show.

I'm trying to see if I have a thought to share.

Nothing. Damn. So much going on and I honestly don't have anything to say.

I should write soon, but not tonight. Tonight I need to grok a bit and maybe figure out what I want to do. I'll keep you all in the loop.

Until something to reflect on.

"Alexander wept when he heard Anaxarchus discourse about an infinite number of worlds, and when his friends inquired what ailed him, 'Is it not worthy of tears,' he said, 'that, when the number of worlds is infinite, we have not yet become lords of a single one?'"

Plutarch,On the Tranquility of Mind

Shower Epiphany: Do not play to win. Play to hinder.

Contrary to popular belief, I do not always win. In fact, I do not play to win. I play to make sure the other person does not win. In some cases that means winning and in others that means arriving to a draw. This is a lot more challenging as well as fun for me. That and I make sure that if they do win, their win does not taste as sweet as my "defeat".

Oh how sweet it is.

Shower Epiphany: Don't you think you lived enough, pal?

Ok, got barely 5 hours under my belt. Maternal Unit returned at 3 am to say that grandmother is fine. Just had an allergic reaction to some medication that cause some swelling and redness to lymph nodes and they placed here in just for fun and legal issues of course.

And here comes my rant, because people are assholes.

I'm one to rarely and I mean rarely worry about the lives of millionaires, just for the fact that I really and genuinely don't give a flying fuck. Kanye and Snookie? My mind shuts down until I can get away from the source of wasted brain cells. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet? I care for the fact that they're humanists and they're doing something for society that their wealth allows them. Stephen Fry, George Takei, and C.K. Louis? They make me happy in their ways, but I don't connect with their lives unless its something great they're doing. You get my point. Class hierarchy has it's privileges and one of them is not me caring. You can afford healthcare that I can never get in any way so I think you'll be ok.

My point? I know some of you are complaining, but I'm building my case. I honestly do not care about the British Royal family. I really don't, but my point comes in with them. You have two princes that I'm assuming are in their late 20's to mid 30's. They're in line for the throne. But their father has been waiting for that privilege since the 70's. He's waiting on the Queen to kick the bucket to take over and yet you see her up and running. She's healthy, intellectually awake and spry not just because she's a monarch, but because she has the best medical conditions to support life and she is living very damn well. So bloody well that even her mother, a woman in her upper 90's and pushing 100 soon is still healthy and moving. Yes, she has fallen and the such and they still bring her back. People send their well wishes and this woman who has to point in succession of power is living pretty damn well. The queen is doing pretty damn well. You'd think if there is anyone who should be able to die and not be brought back it the Queen, right. I mean, she lived enough.

Now, right now I know you are thinking, "Wow, you are an ass". I know, right? No matter how bad it is you'd think that this woman who has lived quite damn well and hell if anything goes bad they should just let the old girl die. I mean it would be cruel to bring the old girl back. Asshole, right? Well, I'm not describing the Queen or Queen Mother. I'm talking about my grandmother. A woman who has done so much with her life and in many ways the surgeries she had that most people said would kill her 10 years ago has made her life much better. She's not diabetic, she's stronger and at a healthy weight compared with my Uncles family. She's growing hair as well as mentally awake compared to all the drugs they gave her to balance this or that. If anything she's bored until my family comes in to see her every day. She sits there among old people who sit in their urine, most neglected and assumed not worth the trouble. She is the outlier. She is regaining her strength from the last medical debacle and is worked out daily to the point that she can speak, sit up on her won and communicate with other around her willing to listen.

And yet, if something goes wrong they want us not to resuscitate. She's old. Almost 90. She lived enough. She's suffering. The more they talk the more I am wondering about these "death panels" that Palin made nose about, but I know damn well it's just bad doctors. The woman even communicates with others, but that is not a worthy medium. Since she can not stand on her own she is.....on her way out. So I tell my Maternal Unit, who not only exercise her, but also works on her flexibility to make her stand. It's something that is going to tire her out, make her shake, and even complain with soreness, but in truth until is mobile no one is going to be on a doctors "oh well" list. We screw up, oh well. She is not coming out of sedation as well? Oh well. Seriously? If something happened, bring her back. If she is brain dead or suffering then the family will do what is right, but getting fucking lectured because we want her to live BECAUSE SHE WANT'S TO LIVE......GO FUCKING FIG, NO? She is not on tubes and machines. she is on oxygen and we are trying everything to get her off it. She is getting more attention from her family that her nurses and doctors. So much that they're looking bad, especially on how they treat other patients. Come on, people. This is life we are talking about.

So no, I'm not going to sign a paper that says you fucked up your math? Oh well. In fact, I want to make sure that their math is solid. Just because she is old does not mean we are going to plant a vegetable. It does not make us the idiots who kept their daughter on life support until they had to take her off only to discover that she was brain dead for at least a decade. We want a woman who is bored, BORED, to have a decent life as she sees fit. If she said she wants to die, I'm more than ready to offer her options. If she said that she wants to live I'm also willing to see what we can do. But she is old so...............she's old. No. Not just no, but fuck you. This is why the last doctor got slammed through a wall, assuming that I do not know what bacterial tests they were doing and assume I'm a thug. Well, you are half right, fucker.

So, no. I'm not ok with this bullshit and have made more than enough threat to show up and have a talk once more. Not only do I know how to diagnose disease, but I know the kind of bullshit that makes it important to take someone home from the hospital before they get worse. This is about life. And life is precious, especially when the person living it is not being heard. Stop this shit. Wealth should not be a factor on who should and should not be listen to about their own life.

This is why I'm not a doctor. This is also why I automatically love nurse. They will save you and know your pain. Everyone is save the embryos, but your grandmother is, you know......old.

Don't be food, people. There are others who want to serve you up.

Shit like this.

Shower Epiphany: One step forward, a Mile back.

In very rare occasions, I pull myself out of my comfort zone and actually make a request on my own behalf. It's as loud as a whisper and I usually don't put much of an effort to even make it any louder since I have a strong understanding that I'm just being stupid and I should simply keep silent in the first place. Either way, I make a small attempt to communicate with others not on the behalf of someone else, but for something that I've actually have thought a long time about and even raised enough nerve to make an attempt to even bring it up.

These are the moments that I immediately regret that I even made an attempt and know that I'd be safer simply taking my own measures. It's simply who I am today. I'm the child who throws the Frisbee to himself. The man who goes to the matinee on a Monday afternoon. The person who drives far to get lost in a library until he has to leave. The person who stares at the stars and wonders how long he can do it all himself.

I'm only sharing this because once more I'm forcing myself out of my comfort zone just to prove the point once more that in all things, it's not that important. I can continue to throw the Frisbee and still stare at the stars contemplating my progress once I remove any chance of a quick response. In the end, I simply blend into the fabric since it's the "business I've chosen from myself" until I am force out in the open. This does not happen since I know once in the open I can not do what I can do and have made more than enough prevention to make sure it never happens. In the end, thanks and celebrations are not from me. I need to make sure the work is done.

Time is never on my side.

Mood or Minding what the Matter.

I get like this sometimes. 

The rising internal anger. The coldness of my thoughts. The questioning of things that seem the anchor in place. The strong urge to alienate myself from everyone. 

Started to entertain certain thoughts that would make certain that I would not get through the night. Nothing I want to relive anymore. It's kind of like looking over the edge with the voice in your head telling you to take one more step. It's a bit maddening and I rather not play chicken with certain thoughts. Not anymore.

I'm going to sit by myself, hope it passes and start again later. I don't know, I'm starting to think I might just have a reason to exist. It's just a hunch, but I think I'll entertain it just a bit more.

Shower Epiphany: Flashy and Loud Wrapping, Nothing inside.

What ever happened to making movies with a plot? You know, that thing that after all the 3D and loud annoying music finally leaves you you start getting that nagging feeling of, "Hey, why the hell did they/the protagonist/antagonist do that thing again?" It's the mental indigestion problem that you get after that fine and flashy meal that in the end runs (see what I did there) you realize that it made no sense. It leaves you exhausted and empty for seeing people drive fast, giants robots destroy things, and even superheroes be super. Flimsy reasons such as "I loved her/him", "they made me mad", and "you are bad/evil/different" that just drives people to do extravagant and amazing actions that somehow made you wonder how did any of that make sense. That's ok, you just saw cars go fast, an airplane ejaculate a car, robots destroy shit to the loud and vastly popular and empty electronic bass music that is everywhere now.

Know the best part? You can not think of a memorable scene that was not inspired by muscles/tits, special effects, or the popular song choice. You can't think of a way of saying anything related to the movie that will make people exclaim in joy form remembering it. I can say 5 lines from well made movies that would take you a whole 5 minutes for you to explain why that plane ejaculated a car even though, "Guy drove fast" pretty much explains it. 

1. It's Keyser Söze
2. You didn't think it was going to be easy did you?
3. Here's looking at you, kid.
4. Mein Furer, I can walk again.
5. Watchmen, one of us died tonight.

These are just from top of my head. Best of all, I can have a discussion over the meaning of these movies and even entertain thoughts that the writer wanted me to play with, perhaps in hope of expanding my mind to see how things that seemed so solid and immense are now a bit more delicate and intricate. Just a thought. Then again I'm not one to entertain thoughts with people who discuss how fast their car goes. Usually those conversation seem enlightening with sciency terms until they run out and realize no on has an appreciation for physics, but more the big ass bitches dancing near those fast cars that go so fast.

So sad. So sad.

Like an empty package all dolled up in fancy wrapping paper and bow. 

Shower Epiphany: "Songversation", a lesson in pretentiousness.

Watching India.Arie perform yesterday, I've come to realize something that is always found interesting: Musicians are dumb fuckers and musicians with hooky causes are worse. I have never heard of you before outside of some small songs clips and I have to give you your due, you are talented. You sing very well. You have amazing talent in your craft and I am more than certain that you will do well in this industry, if we can ignore Lauren Hill for a moment. Because raw talent is always going to make you viable in the music industry. 

In a matter of 20 minutes, you have not only put me off on your music, insulted my intelligence, made blanketed comments on the value of what men should be instead of stating what your ideal man is, but you have done something that not only shows that your ego is huge, but that you actually believe you are a voice of a generation. This "songversation" you wanted to have with me is not a new thing. I'll mention Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, every blues man and woman, Jerry Garcia, Chuck D, Curt Cobain, B. B. King, Bono and Billy Holiday, even though I'm a die hard Ella man. The difference between the FEW mentioned legends and yourself is not the fact that they have more talent or that their causes that they have chosen for themselves are greater than yours. Each of these people reached out in their words and lyrics to express a feeling that each of their respective fan base felt as the Great Truth, but they have also reached out to others whose fight not only was not theirs, but who were moved by the expression of their voices into to compassion and a mutual feeling that we are all interconnected. 

I know, I'm not your fan base. You did not have me in mind when you wrote your songs and in fact don't give a rats ass how I feel. I get you. Then again, I'm not Irish, but Bono moved me to question a governments power over dividing a people. He even had me care about Africans dying for the lack of medication from a plague that cost us many people. In all truth, I'm not African, HIV infected, nor does it in any way affect me. And yet, I am moved. Dylan, Loan, and Jerry have shown me the value of raising a voice and not a fist. They shown me the value of unity, love, and in the end if we are all accord that we want a change we will cause it even if the act of revolution is simply having children and continuing that important dialogue. Chuck D and Curt described of the Beast in their ways, not in any way belittling ones struggle over anothers, but well away that the Beast's reach is far and wide and that it affect others in different way from struggle to express the suppression of something bigger and meaner than you to calling people to raise up in unified revolution of the mind that still weighs on me today. From the Jazz and Blues greats, I understand that their song of woe and joy is the parent of many mediums that I enjoy today and have deep roots from white boys who used the genre to make their wealth to expanding understanding of what pain is and that music is the universal vessel to express it even if you never walked a Mississippi summer day. Their songs are rich with meaning and lyrical wealth, even if they speak of a woman leaving them or strange fruit grown on trees that have no business of having them.

Every one of them have conveyed that root of their music to people who have a direct connection to it to people from a long ways around the world. And so, my question is this, must you belittle me and lecture me on the importance of your purpose? DO you feel that your songs are not conveying the proper amount of catalytic impulse to cause the change you want to see? Do you feel that I I am not aware that you have something to express or that I am automatically not "aware" or "awake" to recieve this "songversation"? I think I understood the songs of others, even if they were simplistic as "Fuck da Police", "Children of tomorrow", "The Heroes of the Day" or even "Children of a Future Past". Their messages may be short or even lacking of, but they have even caused me to understand and to search why someone would say something so intellectually offensive as telling the law enforcement officials to fornicate themselves. And yet, that is simply me. I take that extra step to listen and try to understand what is being said even though my head is nodding and it looks like I'm a million miles away.

And yet, you have made assumptions in your music and perhaps you have reached your target marketing group and even made them feel well. Perhaps I am not a woman, or black, or a believer in a personal Antediluvian Deity or mayhaps my skin is not brown enough. That's ok. I never held it against an artist before that I am not who they had in mind when they created their craft and yet music is universal. So if the lyrics are not making me feel that I am in the group the beat should be enough to make me look inward as good music does. And yet, your "songversation" is a "lecturevation" and I have to say that listening it all through out is roughly the equivalent of Jenny McCarthy speaking about Homeopathic immunity and against vaccines. "Talking aloud, saying nothing".

You see, I've discovered another band today and I'm all over their music page. Their culture is not only not mine, but their culture is responsible in ending the indigenous people in the Americas and their ways of life. They are responsible in the suffering of my blood line and the blood lines of others. Their culture has been compared to the other European conquistadors as the most savage and cruel, yet when listening to them play I felt their woe and sadness since they also connected to my own. Their music not only expressed a hurt, a pain that I carry today, but their music eased that pain. It eased that pain and brought a joy to me that I rarely get from music today. I downloaded their music today. They have a fan.

So I apologize that I do not know how to wrap my hair or subscribe to your personal ideals or even matter. I wish you the best. I know that you will do well. If I need to start a "songveration" I'll keep you in mind.

Shower Epiphany: If pot doesn't make you stupid, then it really must maximize your natural traits.

I honestly do not understand why someone would try an hide the fact that they're smoking a joint in a concert. Really? Really? Rolled it up in a natural tobacco wrapper and trying to hide it off as a cigarette? One, you are not supposed to smoke in the bleachers, even if it's open aired. Two, we can see the smoke rising from your heads. Three, your heads are tucked under with frequent head turns and shifty eyes like a cartoon villain. Four, everyone is staring at you being this stupid. As much as I support legalizing, regulating, researching and taxing it I honestly have to say that you are the kind of dumb fuck that will ruin it for everyone and the example opponents use. Way to go. You don't even have enough self control to walk off or enough balls to smoke it in the open. When people mention stupid junkie, you perfectly come to mind.

Now if you'll excuse me this woman singing is lecturing me on missing out on our "songversation" and I need to rip the fuck out of her in a second.

Happy Whatever

Sorry, not in the mood to write. Maybe it's today. Maybe I'm just feeling antisocial.

Either way, I'm wrestling with a few thoughts. I'll keep you in a loop.

Shower Epiphany: Orwell had the wrong Animal on the Farm.

What the hell ever happen to the news? There was a time when you could pick up a newspaper and find out what happened. Not what is trending, what is hot, who's baby bump is nicer, who's sleeping with who, Which MMA fighter is the most extreme, how spam now looks like actual new reports, what does a particular actor eat in the summer to get that "sexy abs" look, who's nip slip/dress disaster/sexy last night, or even who's birthday it is and why they are happy to find the maharishi/special food/tantric sex position.

What the fuck?!?

What the fuck happened to the news? We aren't even sheep anymore people. We're not even veal. We are the fat goose they force feed fatty shit to get our livers nice and plump to make pate. We are simply the goose to be fatten who has had more than enough and yet still willing to have shit shoved down our throats.

Orwell should shit himself.

Seriously, what the fuck happened to wanting to know instead liking to know?

Shower Epiphany: Don't stand so close to me!

Every now and then I come to realize that I'm probably going to end up dying alone. I'm not saying this for sympathy or to compel some of you to reach of to me or to even try to touch me. I'm simply stating that I'm pretty rough to be around 24/7 and I know damn well I get on everyone's nerves since one, I thrive on bugging the shit out of people at time of puckish inspiration and two, I annoy the hell out of me. So my hunch is that I am probably going to live alone for the majority of what is left of my life and I'm going to enjoy every bloody minute.

It's nice to have people around. Key word:around. Not with, or surrounded. Just around. Come over for Thursday meal? Yay! Come over all the bloody time and I start to wonder what is wrong with you since I can't stand me why the hell are you enjoying me?

Seriously, those people piss me off the most. Get away from me! Don't make me throw rocks at you or chase you with torches and pitchforks!

So.....self lobotomy takes time it seems.

I know I haven't really been writing worth while since the 24th. It's not because it hasn't opened a can of worms or didn't make me deal with a good amount of issues that popped up. In fact I've been questioning my identity, sexuality and behavior. No, I already told you, I'm not coming out of any closet. I've been thinking about the past few years on how I matured sexually and how I'm my first long time partner really imprinted on me more than I can comprehend at the moment. It has given me more questions on who I am and how I behave towards sex, relationships and ultimately sleeping through the night. I know nothing is going to make sense here, but I need to grok a bit more before I can tear myself apart once more. 

I'm afraid that I might just tear what is left of my restraint and I'm not one not be without some restraint.  So I need to process just a bit more and get a hold of something more substantial before I tear apart my roots again. So I'm asking for a bit of time. I know you are losing some entertainment (that's why you come here, right? You like this crap?), but it's giving me a chance to really look at how deep this is before I just head first. 

And when have I disappointed you? Considering that you have not been commenting worth crap, I'm going to error on the side of, "fuck that" than "tell me what to do!?!?"

So give me a week and I'll give you something juicy and thought provoking. If my madness provoke your thoughts at all. 

Ok, so......yea.

If you must give me a burial, then I want this written or whatever.....

"Invictus" 

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley (1849–1903)

Shower Epiphany: A Blink in Time, not worth the moment.

Whenever I have a bad moment or just feeling crappy or mad I like to take a moment and see things from a different scale. I know that I did not exist before my time in the universe and I know that I will not exist when my time is up and if I'm luck, I will not be remembered for anything, good or evil. I will simply have my moment and then recede into the universe once again, simply a small blip in the cosmos of time. 

For some reason that gives me solace, since I see that I'm not really that important and my mistakes will not affect the universe nor will it define it. No matter how bad things are in an eon I will not be remembered and my biggest task to bear will not exist. Knowing that tomorrow and yesterday are always going to be the same and this small sandwiched time of me will simply be forgotten and passed on. I am not that significant, no matter how bad I feel. And that makes me smile and know the world is not on my shoulders, but I, a small insignificant man in this small blink of time, am on the shoulder of time as dust is on the back of a whale. Just not that much of an issue. 

Love you all.

Shower Epiphany: Anthony Fremont's weapon, It's a Good Life or the Cornfield

It's funny. I wonder how many people feel about the right to have unregulated guns on the street once they been shot at. As in some guy shot at me and I want to have a gun too. It's not only rude, but its the root of rudeness.  Most people can't deal with someone telling them to fuck off much less being shot at.

 The few times I've been shot at I didn't want a gun. I wanted to get the hell out of there and live. Is that too much to ask, to not get shot at instead of being told that it's just the bad people with guns so don't worry. Imagine that? I'm a sissy/traitor/socialist/nazi/ because I don't want people to have guns who don't know what they're doing? You've been behind drivers and you've wondered what the hell was wrong with them and THEY were in registered cars and have a good chance of having a licence. You hate the idea of anyone who is driving without insurance, registration, or a licence, especially if you get hit. I've been hit twice by drivers who not only didn't have anything but did the most stupidest things in the world. I was once hit by a woman who did a u turn from being parked on the street. Slammed right into me. She had NOTHING, but a screaming toddler in the back. I asked for insurance just to make sure and she barely was able to say no. I drive away in a totaled car and with major pains. I'm happy when they take someone's car because they're missing these fundamental things. I'm overjoyed! 

Yet asking that people get the minimum of these things just to own a gun? "That's a slippery slope." That's why the Jews/Indians/some other groups of people exterminated off the face of the earth should have had guns. Right, since putting a bounty on people's food source, making their livelihood illegal due to being who they are, offering rewards for scalps with the higher ones for children, and other beautiful methods of cruelty and genocide, but if they had AK-47's at that right time, then that would be ok! And yet, we remember the Alamo. They had guns. They just should have had more guns. Not just because they were outnumbered and out trained. An army against a settlement. Nope, remember history, but not the details. Just enough to drink by. 

I just don't want to get shot. I don't want people shot for doing stupid shit. I barely want people shot in legal police maneuvers. Telling me bad people will do what bad people do is not helping. Children are dying because you are being fucking childish. I just want you to be a little more selfish and WANT to protect your rights more. There is no dialogue. Just a brat saying "No, no, no" in classic little kid tantrum style. Be a fucking adult and take some responsibility and join the dialogue while you still can. Save yourself the trouble and save your hobby. Because in the end that is all it is. A hobby. You like shooting shit. Hunters want to hunt and deserve that right. They're in that conversation and they're getting sick of your shit. Your own camp is tired of you. Responsible gun owners are tired of your shit. It does not get to be a right unless you treat it like one, hence be that "regulated militia" and get trained and get registered and treat your toy like the dangerous weapon it is. Treat it with respect. Because one bullet can change everything permanently. 

And I have an issue having selfish tantruming children having that power. Like Uncle Ben said, "With great power comes great responsibility." Instead you have Anthony Fremont threatening to send you to the Cornfield WHILE wanting you to be happy that you can go to the Cornfield. There is no ultimatum. You are at the mercy of a child with more power then he can understand or deserves.

Grow the fuck up and help us solve this before you get shot at and realize that this shit is not a joke.

"The world is made up for the most part of morons and natural tyrants, sure of themselves, strong in their own opinions, never doubting anything" Clarence Darrow

Shower Epiphany: I'm Worth a Million in Prizes

I've come to realize that my best attributes as a human being are all hidden. Compassion, intelligence, sense of leadership, a brilliant sense of humor and belief that one has to sacrifice for the greater good over selfish need. Then again, most people don't look over at me and think, "He might be an enjoyable person to have coffee with and discuss the works of the Romantics." They usually say, and I'm quoting, "That's a big. scary guy."

Meh.....your loss.

Shower Epiphany: Miss Ameri-DUH

I swear, why do they ask models to talk? I rather listen to nails dragged across a chalk board until they break in a bloody mess. Does she look hot in a swimsuit? Check. Can she wiggle her ass on camera? Check. Does she have any deep insightful thoughts that must be shared? NO! I think the US needs to up raise the bar and include not only an IQ test with Essay option in the Beauty Contests, but they need to have a college degree in a hard science. Either that or they need to call what Beauty Contests really are: Stupid hot women with nice racks are the best a woman can offer contests. Your accomplishments in life include not eating anything fatty and having big tits. Really? Is that all? No views on how the improvements of science have changed the world and how they can be improved? Uprising in Turkey and Syria? The need to continue to fill the war coffers and deny veterans of basic needs such as job programs and medicine? A longer statement on why racism is icky? Want to elaborate on that? You think that evolution and Intelligent Design should be given same time with Astronomy and Astrology? Chemistry and Alchemy?

Really? This is the cream of the crop? Big tits and a hot ass? I'd think positive attributes of womanhood should not be possible to gain via surgery. Want to impress me? Share a thought with me that will make me silent in contemplation instead of wondering why the half naked woman is given a mike to yell at the gay guy who says she a bit chunky in the thighs. But what do I know? I just want an equal or even a better when it comes with date-able women. Someone who I'd like to talk science and deep philosophical concepts after going at it like bunnies. Someone who I find out is pregnant and won't think, "Oh crap...I just Idiocrasy myself! What have I done?" Someone who makes me happy to introduce and not get the look from others like, "Really"?

Still don't agree? Might I mention that Sara Palin was in Miss America? Now I think of it I wonder when the first Totally ripped and hung studs who are dumber than a box of rocks contest will start?