Detoxing and Selfish Humanity

I think I was 12 when I learned how to Lucid dream. My father always loved books and would raid old dusty bookstores for old college texts that were all words and not pictures. Time to time he would have me read a book and then tell him what it meant or what I got from it. So at the young age I knew about Roman orgies and the true meaning of Easter. I also followed the experiments of 14th century monks who attempted to move a cork floating on water with their minds. I also learned that I can not have nightmares.

Where am I going with this? Give me my due and I'll tell you. In fact I've been waiting for the right way to approach this.

Reading as many dram books as I did, it was hard not siding with Jung rather than Freud. Well, that and I still would not have my first sexual experience until four years later. Yet, I understood the meaning of man's symbols. What they mean to us and why we subliminally choose one over another. It's not difficult. In fact the true difficulty is understanding the meaning of an object that you hold.

Lucid dreaming is understanding how you are dreaming and taking control of the situation. I learned this at an age when nightmares would shake me awake and not let go until the dawn arrived. My goal was to control my dreams so that I would at least be able to leave a dream that I did not want to have. So ever since the age of 12 I've had the ability to skip past the nightmares, awake and give myself enough time to go back to sleep and start again.

I've never knew that I would be causing my own troubles.

It would be years until I would understand that our subconscious sometimes talk through us through our dreams. With life today's it's difficult not picking up the so much crap around us including TV ads and the such. There is a battle for our minds that we walk through daily. It's what our environment is silently screaming at us and what we see and hear. It's what is mentioned with a laugh or what is between the lines. We carry so much from what we see that we don't often have the ability to hear our inner mind.

We often hear our inner minds when we escape our form of society. Most of the time it's a calm walk through serene landscapes or inside of a cab without a radio with at least and hour's worth of time driving. Our inner thoughts begin to creep back in and begin to speak to us. They tell us what we felt at a moment and what we think. They begin to argue and to yell if we ignore or run from them. They scream at us when it knows what we truly need and what do not.

It's taken me so long to understand my insomnia. It's kind of a mixed bag of many things, but to serve a condensed version, I sometimes do not want to hear what my mind has to say. I've silenced it with alcohol and pain killers, but it can only be silenced for so long. After a while it stops trying to warn you and lets you tear yourself apart. After a while you wonder why you have an ulcer or can not digest your food without loosing some of it. Or in my case why you lose all appetite.

December was difficult. It's always been and it does give me difficulty in understanding my place in the world and what I mean to it. having one of your mentors kill themselves will. having them kill themselves and not be near to prevent it can cause a man to drink his cups of gin. And yet, as I would stare into the dawn I realized I would not live too long like this. I understood that if I continue living like a zombie that I would never see another December.

"It's 4 o'clock in the morning, damn it."

We never like facing our fears. We never like facing them without any help or aid. And yet we have to make the choice of either running or standing still while we build up enough strength to take those important steps forward. Where else can we feel the most frightened and all of 12 then in our waking moments when we are still running and yet thankful that what chased us did not cross the either as we lay in our beds and hope that it did not creep in.

Who does not know that terror?

Ok, I think I have cracked this open. Now it's time to expose what I'm dealing with.

I decided on one of those early December mornings that I would not live this way anymore. I had to face those nightmares and see what chases me. I understood detoxing would be difficult and that I would have moments of hell and would even stumble along the way. I knew that if I was going to go clean I had to reach for something better than myself. I had to find my sanctuary in something meaningful and important. I won't mention what but if I did tell you, you'd have m committed.

Let's just say that God and I are not on speaking terms at the moment.

Through the past 5 months, I've been working with nightmares and fear. I've been working with others who have not idea how much healthier they are compared to me. I've had my moments when I had to sit in a public place or I would not see morning. I had to rally causes and ideals which so many hold dear and yet they have no hold on me anymore. To say that I'm fighting for my life would be dramatic. To say that I'm trying to save my concept of sanity would bring only uneasy laughter and a topic change. To say that I'm trying to prove what is and what is not would be best if I only admit that I'm on the what is not side.

To question one's own importance and meaning is a slippery slope. I've gotten a grip on the meaning of the universe and the secret of life, all the while attempting to negate it in hope of it remaining negated. Staring into oblivion with an option of not knowing what is next would bother most yet I feel well at home.

And yet, throughout all of this I've exposed and broken the last of the family taboos on a past that condemned all of us. I've helped children understand that the hell they lived came from someone not worthy of defecating on their grave. I've reached the most stubborn and angry of people to have them understand the meaning of it all and how survival comes at a price and how the dead have it easy. I've exposed how I've spent the past eight years studying and reaching for that x-factor until I had to literally dig up the dead to understand what caused it all.

At the same time I took a chance and played the fool and tried to give someone what they wanted the most only to discover they did not know what they want and hated me for trying. I still love them, but I can not reach them. My words hold no meaning and palaver hold no meaning. Perhaps time would reveal itself and bring peace to the situation or perhaps I will only cut my ties once more and pray that they find a peace that I can never offer.

"When are you gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man"

I've brought brothers together and taken blows from either side. I've had to subdue anger and do the last thing that I am never able to do with the hope that I will survive a betrayal. Everyone wants trust and understanding, yet we horde it to ourselves and we keep others at bay with threats that we secretly resent. What we usually want the most we ultimately end up killing. helping someone see that is nearly close to impossible yet it is more convincing after you've taken the slings and arrows and have not raised your fist in anger no matter how much you want them to bleed.

Trust is earned on the blood and merit of those willing to bleed and suffer. Sadly, we end up killing them and praising them as demigods rather than following the example.

"Look at the people in the streets, everywhere they don't seem like they care
And everyone is getting mad, it just seems like we've all lost the plot"

So through it all I've been trying to take control of what I've running away from . I do not see a future and many times think that I will not make it. It's hard facing your fears and nightmares in understanding where you stand and what you need the most.

It's a lot to be able to leave the house. I have to gather what little strength I have left from the past month. I've pushed though so much and I helped alot, but I'm finally down to the point and where I have to make my point clear.

I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being taken advantage. I'm tired of being tossed aside afterward only to have people return to me and treat me as a pocket guru or safety blanket. I'm important in the range that I'm not a friend or love one. A human eraser who looses pieces of himself after each use. Someone who is only needed for answers and is treated like a $2 whore. I understand that most people do not know what they do or that they seem to think that I'm able to take punishment. It does not matter.

"You've come to love me nightly
Yeah you've come to hold me tight
Is this motion everlasting
Or do shutters pass in the night?"

What is the difference if I was drunk and plowed into people and killed them and if I had a heart attack and did the same? Less guilt? People would also feel bad for me? I'd be forgiven or that I will have something to hide and cover my shame with? We hide in our pain and use it as a shield to keep progress and life away. We use pain and past to scream louder than the other than to realize we are all in pain and it's foolish to compare it. Even those who see it do it. Everyone does it and I'll include myself since I have to "unthink" my thoughts and actions in order to do what is right not what benefits me.

You honestly make me sick. I'm not insulting you, you actually make me sick. Dealing with your pain makes you selfish and self centered. You do not understand how if you just make one fucking attempt to reach out to another person regardless of what you "feel" you can heal yourself and others? Instead I'm used as a pain killer and disposed when my effects wear off from abuse. You are all killing me. When did I place myself over any of you and say that I would be your leader? Listen to me as I tell you once more, I'm sick too and I hurt too and I have to fight daily to get enough strength to get out of bed and just eat something. The only thing keeping me alive is a flimsy principle believing that things will get better. If I'm strong I'm strong because I'm being strong for you. Not me.

I would have checked out a long time ago with Avey.

Like I said before, the dead have it easy. Survivors have to work hard to make it another day. Survivors have to do what they can to change their lives to live. I'm doing this in hopes of knowing there is an out besides dying. If not, then I realized Avey was right and I'm going out with him.

"What the hell we fighting for?
Just surrender and it won't hurt at all"

And so, I'm trying to get my energy up to go to class today. I'm trying to gather enough strength to stand in the shower and was myself. I'm trying to get back into my regiment of taking care of me and pushing on. At this point, I'm more doing it out of obligation rather than desire. People have no idea how they take so much energy from me without giving a bit of it back.

Can things be easier? Sure, but I have to start drinking again and popping pills to make things right. That's not what I want. I want not to hurt anymore. I want to actually to smile our of joy than social norm. I'm doing this because it's my greatest fear and the last elephant in the room for me. I have to stare into it's eyes because I know I'm afraid of it and it will take me regardless if I want it or not. I have to stare it down and hope it blinks before I do. If it does I know I can pull out of this.

So what am I saying? I don't need you if you can not love me. I'm not asking for sex or closeness, but an actual kindness of human compassion. Tennessee Williams said that, "Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person", yet that's only half of the coin. You must get that back. We can not generate energy to feed others without it costing us. We need that sincere kindness back. If not we wither and die. Speaking as someone who has held his share of trembling human being and taken his share of Hell for others we need to overlook that selfish need to horde and start giving back what we want the most.

I'm not making a plea for help or saying that people should stop what we are doing and roll in the mud. I think the Hippy movement showed us that this is a load of bull. I'm saying that before you yell at that other person in anger or pain to take a second and contemplate their actions rather than condemn them. Maybe there is nothing behind it, but at least you'd be able to see their motives and defend yourself a bit more than to react. If we simply act rather than react to someone else we can make things better.

What ever. You won't You are all too ingrained in your own hell and concept of what is right. Another reason why I'm a dying breed. Do what you will, but just wonder what you last days will be like and how many have you wronged over stupid situations when all you wanted to say is "I love you and I'm sorry for hurting you".

Whatever.

Like I said before, saving the humanity is pointless. I never wanted to save the world. I wanted to save myself. In the end, that's all I have and that's all I will still have. I'm tired of false hope and empty words. I've put myself in enough compromises and acts of peace to know that humanity is selfish and there is not much distance in evolution between our reptilian selves and us. The facade of being holy, righteous or destined is a load of crap and you can make yourself happy in your own heads if you like. I just arrived at the point where I started from oh so long ago. People are not worth it. Person maybe, but people, never.

So in the end, I have to cut ties and distance myself again. I've made enough peace and love for others to benefit while my own bowl goes empty. Last time I checked, I never wanted to be a martyr or messiah. I wanted a bit of earth to make me happy with someone who will make me happy as much as I will make them. Her name is going to be Rachel and she's going to be a German Shepard. Position filled. Anyone else will have to make a fucken' effort with me. I'm not playing doctor or shrink with any of you selfish asses. Some of you hate being called a selfish lover? I'm calling you selfish human beings.

Sit and spin.

I have try to get to class today.