Shower Epiphany: I am a creature of doubt.

There are moments in which for many a heart beat may pass and a quick shuttered eye closing off to the world if only a moment where I doubt myself in any and every way and method possible. I question motives, actions, desires, ramification and multiple chain reactions that most would not dare to utter. I self analyze and expose all, including myself in a quick rational calculative biopsy that often leave me silent for those moments that hang heavy. How a thought in the wrong chain, an uncorrectable action, a misplaced breath can the razor's edge between greatness and utter misery.

I am hard on myself since I know no one can ever be so on me. I am my worst critic, my greatest opposition, my loudest detractor. I search for pin holed weaknesses that can be used to ridicule, disarm and render my action mute. I repeat thoughts in different magnifications in order to know unintended innuendos, blasphemies and taboos are cross out of calculated risk rather than haughty blindness. I review minutes lost to time and rebuild the wreckage of failed attempts, Freudian slips, and bovine compliments. I throw myself against thought and wit as athletes would ram themselves against oppressive opposition and angst antagonistic antimatter.

My greatest fear is not having language and meaningful vernacular leave me speechless and impotent in the only method I am able to convey intent, attraction and passion which other well catered phenotypes are able to simply strike opulent poses to declare beauty and magnificence. I have to become dependent on a silver tongue of a cunning linguist, golden flash of nimble fingers and a sharpened mind to compensate my lack of physical woo.

My greatest fear is arriving at convincing and gaining the open trust of anyone willing to entertain and indulge my barker like spell that in the wrong hands would exchange ownership for fraudulent stock in fallen fortune 500's, bridges, and moments where a quick and nimble tongue, much like a brown fox, would bound over lazy dogs of thought. At best, my voice may rally Henry's Chrispin soldiers, inspire the museless and woo those who value a well placed word and promise.

My greatest fear is believing in my own ability.

Then....and only then will what magic I can conjure with picture's worth of effort be diminished and any edge will become dull and harmless.

No.....I must not trust my ability in order to continue to hone and sharpen it.

It's the only way enchantment may exist in my analytical existence.

Some moment I rue the day I learned was not physically appealing. Other days I mock fully morn those who are.

Look what the me dragged in.....

Yea......I'm back.

So sorry.

So much to share.

Promise to be blunt and graphic....so forgive me?

Shower Epiphany: We are all going to die. Sorry, spoilers

Shower Epiphany: We are all going to die. Sorry, spoilers.

You might want to get something to drink or whatnot. This one is going to be long.

There comes a time where we are forced to really take in our mortality. If it's me, that's at least once a week. More if I don't have adult supervision. I contemplate things that I do not have the answer for not because I find comfort or that I get some sort of moral understanding on how the Universe/Gia/god/Karma is supposed to be. In fact, I would have to say I'm a little bummed about it not because I have to leave, but because my experience here is going to be limited.

Life is the greatest theme park in the world.

Let that sink in.

It's the greatest place in the world where everything is always getting better as well as always breaking down. I'm a child of Entropy (how I miss my real name, fuck you FACEBOOK) so I understand how things change, fall apart, become ordered and then fall apart once more. I get it. And yet, this most amazing theme park we are not allowed to get on all the rides even if we were given fast passes at dawn and dragged away kicking and screaming at closing time. Old events will go away and new ones will take their place. The rides will get better until we get so old we have to sit on benches and watch smaller versions of our genome run and scream without us. We sit there until we have to go for what ever reason.  It's not fair. We leave too early. Some times we choose to leave when we do not find what we want or are taken away by forces we can not control (me at Knott's when I ate that candy apple at 9 years old).

But that's how it is. We don't get all the experiences either. There are moments that are frightening for some and enjoyable for others. Some have more monetary worth than others and have bistro meals while we share the churro. It happens. All of this can suck and dampen your joy.

Or you can not let it.

I see life this way. I would have to say that I lived a good amount so far and seen thing that most will never and won't see. I won't see and witness things either. They can be horrifying like the taking of life or beautiful such as cresting the galaxy on a space ship into a new world. So, yea. I'm bummed. As of now I will tell you what I know:

I will not get the full value of my E ticket. Just because race, gender, sexuality, class, fear in others and physics do not permit me to. Sucks, but hey, I guess I just have to share stories with others....ever wonder why I know so many? Got to make them all.

All the cool stuff I want to do will be limited to me due to time, ability, wealth and mind frame. Unless I get the right mind frame then all that other shit can fuck itself.

I'm only as old as I allow myself to be. I call it my Batman theory. Batman is an old fucker and I'm getting there if the fairies allow me......fucking killer fairies....so as long as I build my body I can enjoy it all. I will learn to parkour, play guitar like a god, sculpt my form as I see fit and avoid the wheel chair for as long as possible and if not I'm converting that bitch into a rot rod because fuck you.

No, I'm not all me and chances are I'll never get to be. I'm broken. So the fuck what. I like me and my broken ass is going to have some fun!

I was never allowed to do many things. Then again I never asked for permission, advice, pardon, excuse, or blessings. Watch me or get the fuck out of my way.

Fuck Orangutans. They know what they did! If I hit 50 I'm going to punch the fuck out of one. I figure I'll give it a handicap and not punch one out now......fucking orange shitballs....

Everyone else is having more sex than me. Since I started early I can say that we're going to be even in the end unless I start up on that again. Then, sorry. I gave you 6 years to catch up, you unmotivated bastards.

I almost felt bad for doing what I do best. I almost fell for it, but hell I do it so well and I've seen the new generation. They can't EVEN reach where I dropped the bar much less where I'm going to place it. Sorry, Freddie taught me well. You place that bitch high so that even the Greats of Today have to look up and realize they pale in any greatness of before. Sorry, that's just how it is. Heed the call or be someone's bitch.

The greatest wisdom was given to me by my French Fry girl as a huge wave slammed her silly ass into the beach without any time to brace or run. She looked up and screamed, "I DIE COOL" as it hit her as if she was declaring to the world she was going to be Queen of the Pirates. That ingrained in me. Don't worry, just die cool.

I look good in scars. I just do. Hell, they just look damn good on me. I would say they look good in me too!

I don't see myself besides anything but Brujah. I read like I drink and I fight like I woo; With no fucking restraint. I don't think I'm going to change much in the next decades or so, so yea. That's my lot. Just have to keep doing what I do unless I become someone's bitch and we already know that is not going to happen. Some of you are just going to bitchless. Nice try, but no.
I realize something. I came in on my own. I grew up on my own. I did things on my own. I go away on my own. I'm probably going the same way, so.....yea......I'm fine with that. As much as I love you guys, I probably won't tell you when or where if I have a choice and in the end it will most likely be my choice. I will just go away and that is that. My death. My way. 

On how you should grieve, I still recommended my way. Huge gathering, music, booze, food, booze, gorgeous women.....who will bring booze and maybe some gorgeous guys too. (Just note, if you bring me booze you are gorgeous just by association to booze. That's how it works so no more getting me drunk and handsy) Celebrate my death as you would my life and you would any great celebration until you forget why you are celebrating and keep celebrating. Oh, but sober up to get to the waiting taxis outside. You have to do that much. And no pukies! Have some fucking restraint even if I never needed it!

You....you could be mean. And I... I drink all the time. Cause we're lovers and that is a fact. We're lovers and that is that. (I wanted to share with you the most awesome Bowie lyric ever. Your welcome)

Lastly, Peace and Love.

That's it.

Go be inspired as fuck and move onwards!

Me?

Gonna figure out how to mine for parkour and how I can be King of the Pirates. It's my world.

You just live in it.

Torn Down

I feel a little overexposed today. Almost as if the walls I built up decades ago have been ripped down leaving me exposed. And yet, I am not too worried. I know I'm going to have to put them up in time and I'm seriously questioning why and how safe I have to feel to go outside and deal with the world and yet I know two things for certain. One, I feel lighter. Almost worry free as if I can actually walk out and not have to be three to four steps ahead anymore. Maybe just two. And two, I came back home late, ate a bit and passed out into dreamless sleep. Sleep that I rarely have and mostly cherish.

The only drawback is that for once in my life I think I want to be near people. I think I want to be close. I think I want to be touched. And I think I want to be held. Not a desire, but more of a need such as eating to eat instead of for pleasure. This is how I feel and in truth it frightens me and it is making me feel I need others around me, something that I don't subscribe to for numerous reasons of my own.

So I'm staying in today. I'm going to reflect and grok this new feeling of vulnerability just for a small while until I can deal with it functionally or until heavy shit comes my way and forces me to go back to survival mode and go back on damage control.

And I think that's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that I will be people again and never have to be defensive. Or worse off, I'm actually terrified that I'm going to have to build it back up and stronger to continue to exist in this harsh world. Mind you, I'm not depressed, this is just "the cost we have chosen to pay to see tomorrow". "Secret wars" are over, but their scars run deep.

So.......yea.

Peace and love to you.

.....love you all.

Shower Epiphany: Angry, but not hateful.

I come to realize that I'm always going to be angry, but I come to realize that I lost any hatred. My anger is a response to everything I've lived and is a great filter to what is right and what is wrong. It's always at a low simmer ready to spike, but it's not self destructive anymore. I lost that hatred. I lost that rage that made me not care, made me willing to sacrifice anything and everything to get through, and willing to take so much .....damage....

So now, I realize I lost alot. I'm what Conrad had called a "paper mache Mephistopheles" and not of my making. I've come to realize that it's probably the hardest thing for me to be vulnerable since many of you say I'm somewhat killing myself trying to always be on guard. I know I'm lacking alot of....humanity....simply because its where they hit you. It's where they attack and twist the knife. A reaction of survival that I've come to realize that I paid too much than a half pound of flesh close to the the heart.

And yet, the hatred is gone. I've come to realize that walking a small dog in the summer heat wondering if her feet are getting burned so I remove my sandals. I pick her up and go back home when she wants to convey that she want to go back to an air conditioned place rather than being in close 90 degree heat. And yet, there is a tenderness that was lost when I was separated from my children. A glitch that makes me question to show a tender side openly, without fear of being attacked for it.

In time I can be whole or whole enough. Enough not to feel that I stand out. Soon.

The Echos within the song, tells the story of Two Women

Two women in my life. Both I loved. One tore me apart and left me empty and shattered. The other loved me every way possible until we had to go separate ways.

I feel their echos tonight.

One I realize I still love in a horrifying and disgusting way. She meant/means the world to me, even though she isn't near. She left some time ago and made sure that she salted the ground of her exodus. She made me to doubt myself while I wanted no one but her. She left me feeling used and worthless. She left me feeling like a whore, unworthy of time, effort and love. She left me hating myself to ever having to love her. She was the world to me and in the end she took it with her. In the end she left and made certain that would not even cherish the memory of her without cringing on what she left. I can not even smile at a happy moment between us without feeling choked up at how it ended, or how she ended it.....

.....or what she did. 

And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken. 

If someone was used to being struck strikes another out of habit or reflex is it still pardonable? Was is being accidental still not as hurtful? Is how she cut your heart out not as hurtful or damaging? Or destroying what little faith you have in others just as crippling? Is it pardonable because someone else is better? Or you were just there to pass the time? Or in the end it was all a regret and you were never supposed to be important to her? That .....regret? What hurts more: the injury or the salting the wound?

That wound still healed though. That wound is nasty to look at and hurtful. That wound still causes a twinge of pain when it's cold and it still make you wonder if it will ever function again. It introduces doubt that anyone else so close can harm you again in that way. I guess she wanted to make certain she was the last woman I loved.

....because if that's the case, she's right.

And yet, there is another. I remember her in the emptiness of the night as I drive through the maze of the city. I wonder if the we listened to the song together or if the singer's sweet and loving voice reminds me of her. How she drove to me. How she picked my shattered self from the floor knowing that I receded into the depths of my mind and suffering with no senses on the outside. And yet, she loved me. Tenderly and with meaning. She fed the trust when I didn't want anything ever again. She held me close with a dedication that I should not cause more harm to myself that someone has already committed upon me. She remained there slowly feeding small morsels of joy and kindness into a selfish and pain creature who wanted nothing more than to die of shame of needing another. She loved me and pulled me close because she knew I could not make the words come out from such a hideous wound. She offered compassion and understanding even though she knew I would stumble and fall. 

I remember asking her why is she even trying. Why is she wasting her time with me. She told me that I would understand one day and that day I would remember her. That she was simply doing what someone has done for her and in the end isn't that enough?

I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired. 

Isn't it?

And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken. 

I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired. 

One case I fear getting close to any one for fear of doing what she had done to me in the guise of hurting her and leaving me needing someone who crushed my heart and made sure she was the last woman in my life. In the other I feel one can only hold a torch for so long without lighting yourself on fire and at that point you deserve to be on fire. So drop that shit and reach out in pain and fear and love anyways. Make sure she isn't the last one in my life and to make certain that I make sure that the salted earth left behind blooms brighter than before. 

So I feel alone, empty and heartbroken. I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.

Above all I feel alive now and that's all I need.

26 Things that I'm not too fond of when I'm working out regularly

1. Eating tons of food, because I need to have that feeling of gorging while trying to be healthy.

2. The tons of protein power I have to eat because eating 21 eggs a day is not feasible unless I'm Cool Hand Luke.

3. The immense amount of water I have to drink because if I eat that much protein I have to keep my kidneys from shutting down. So not only do I feel full, but I am feeling a bit drunk.

4. The DOMS that hit when I start working out, because nothing motivates me more to keep working out than every fiber of muscle screaming in unison.

5. Trying to get 8 hours of sleep. I'm an insomniac. I'd be so much more fitter if I can sleep regularly. That and I would not be in as much pain.

6. Hearing form others about how they tried working out but it's SO HARD! I MEAN HOW COULD YOU DO IT? I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE BEING MOTIVATED! Yea.....that's what I need. Someone to whine about their lack of motivation when I'm dragging my ass around.

7. Idiots who decide to lecture me that I'm not doing it right in the middle of my workout. If you want we can have coffee. Have a chat AFTERWARDS. Not in mid burpee or in mid snatch.

8. People who want to advice on how to get "perfect abs" and do not accept the concept of work. Really? You think this is just possible for wanting? Get off your ass and move!

9. People who watch me work out and have to start a conversation around me on how they work out ALL THE TIME, but blah blah blah....and they're only this because blah blahh blah.....Shut up and go away. Make your bitch excuses away from me.

10. Bruises on sore muscles. No describable hell than that feeling of pain.

11.Going to the bathroom. Alot. All the time.

12. Looking for tips in magazines and youtube only to realize after you invested 20 minutes that there is nothing new to learn. Why did you make it seem you knew something I didn't?

13. People (read: women) who say that lifting makes you mannish. The porn star that your boy friend likes? She squats. Ever wonder why he's thinking of when he's tugging your empty skirt? Yea.....

14. People (read: meatheads) who say they don't need cardio. That's nice, you are huge, Arnold. And yet I can out run you without risk of a coronary. When the zombies come just know I can scale the fence, outrun and out fight you, you walking cow. In fact, I hope I become a zombie to tear into your meaty flesh. I need the protein it seems.

15. People who discourage others who may be heavy/out of shape by making fun of them working out. Really? What the fuck is wrong with you? They're trying to solve the issue! Fuck off!

16.Washing workout clothing. Yes, I do the sniff test. I do run in smelly clothes at times. I do so because between bathroom and eating times I'm just doing laundry.

17. Finally dropping weight and going to try clothes that now should fit only to discover that your body don't fit because you are too muscular....hench the bigger size. =-| Seriously?

18. Falling asleep in the shower/bath trying to loosen up my aching body.

19. Walking around like an old man that I don't want to be since I'm working out so much to feel .....young.

20. Doing mental math in my head on if I can share a cookie with someone. Most of the time it's a euphemism for something else. Yea.....so many times. So sad.

21. Getting that testosterone rush and feeling aggressive/horny. I spar alot. A whole lot. So much sparing. =-| Sparing.

22. Wanting to share an accomplishment only to find people don't really care.

24. Finally getting a chance to have a treat on a cheat day and getting "guilted" by someone. FUCK YOU! I EARNED THIS!

25. Finally getting to indulge on something for a cheat day then having the chance and you realize that ....nah. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I BEEN WANTING THIS ALL WEEK NOW.....nah? *starts crying*

26. It takes SO MUCH BOOZE to get you drunk with your metabolism so high and yet not enough when you drop body fat. =-| So sad.

Shower Epiphany: The horror of "love"

Started to play with the idea that when people want me to "love" them what they're asking for is something beyond unconditional love. Something that somehow permits them to do as they wish, have the support that I give, and no obligations towards the consequences and responsibilities attached to the results of their said actions.

To begin with I don't have that in me. I don't have that ability to watch someone hurt themselves on the guise of following a dream or wanting to make someone/thing/idea better. I stop doing this to myself when I ended up holding a crying woman who was bawling in my arms and the realization hit me that I knew nothing about her. I knew no one damn thing about her to place myself in that position. Yes, I care about people. Yes, I would do almost anything for those I am affectionate to and yet, I am not one to suffer for the sake of suffering. I'm not one to force myself to endure hell on one's behalf simply to be "supportive".

I learned something about human beings from my small time here. If you promise people the world, you will see who they really are. If you say you will give them anything they want they will show you who they are. It's like watching a selfish child stuff candy in their pockets when realizing the candy dish is free. If you can get anything you want without putting anything into it, why not? If you can take full advantage of everything someone has to offer with minimum or no required return why not take them to the bank?

Ever noticed people who get conned usually these kind of people?

So no, I am not someone who gives freely simply because I end up finding people who will take everything. I learned to give them an idea of love in which they thing I'm supportive, kind, and "loving" with in truth it's none of these things. What they want is a shallow nod, and encouraging "of course" and no critique what so ever. People want kindling for the fires they can not feed. They want to do what is harmful to themselves and use what ever they can to make it happen without someone simply stating that this is harmful.

That's not me.

People somehow want me without me. They want me saying yes, when my answer is no. They want me cheering when I should be yelling for them to stop. They want to know that I completely agree with their choices and to comfort them when they are harming themselves and also subscribe to the noting that none of this horror is happening. They have a twisted sense of love that is as fictitious as turning lead into gold. It can't be done. It's impossible and yet, if you BELIEVE enough it can happen.

I have to say that the word that frightens me off with faith. When I can could faith in the vocabulary of people numerous times I know I have to get away unless I am dragged into a vortex of hell and suffering that they assume would bring answers and happiness once someone, read me, have once paid in full. People want me to cheer and support without any concept of tactics, negativity, analysis or discussion. People I love understand that I am vocal and cruelly blunt when it is necessary.  I am not a gambler. Gamblers have something to lose because no value for what they have. I have lost too much in my life to take any gambles. I calculate, save, check my math, beg for criticism, and question my own doubts in case I have a risk unseen. I weigh the pros to cons, understand the returns to investments and understand how one error can end it all. I am miserly with my money, cheap with my own time, and stingy with my basking in my own praise. I'm  not one for taking compliments simply because what progress you see means just a rung in my ladder and I am too far behind to appreciate my accomplishments. I don't praise myself, I push myself. I don't celebrate, I go back to work. I don't take a day off, I am force to take mental heath days and sick days.

And that is just on what I put myself through.

Others I'm much more kinder, yet not as yielding as one would think. I ask hard question not because I want to hurt others, but I want them able to defend themselves in the moments I can not reach them. I want to know their argument is airtight so that it becomes reason instead of an argument. I never want to see them apologize for their mistakes, but learn form them. I want to see people through and would stand against anything they have coming towards them, but I want them to work AS HARD IF NOT HARDER then I would. I give my all to those who need it because they need the help back up not because they need.

I'm not an enabler.

Not anymore anyways and I'm not going to be forced back into one.

That's not love. That's just hell.

Shower Epiphany: The New Black

It confuses me how people keep using the term "blank is the new black".

Why is there a new black? Why is everything else trying to dethrone black? Black isn't doing it's duty? Are there term limits?

You never hear this anywhere else and you wonder what's wrong with someone if they say things just as stupid such as Ford is the new Cadillac or you are a strategist while I am a tactician.

Stupid shit.

Really? How about red be red and purple be happy it's purple? Just a thought.

Shower Epiphany:Don't think 'cos i'm talking we're friends

I'm quite amazed at the potential of people lately, especially in the terms of simply being friends. Not friends with benefits, friends who are on the bench or warming up to replace the pitcher or even friends who you both can have a drink or two and end up in bed with.

Just friends.

People who you actually enjoy time with. People who make you feel as if you should have never have left to go on your way elsewhere and should remain close to them. People who make you happy to be who you are and have nothing to gain in changing you or remodeling you as someone they expect you to be. People who in a small moment bring a smile to your face despite being so far away or even in some rare occasions never to have even shared the same room with. People who make time fly past in a blink of an eye only to be replaced with a mutual feeling of joy and cherished memories. People who you can continue a conversation with as if years never past between you. People who you would cross hell and damnation to meet in times of need. People who give you more than you give them and make you wish to share your time with again.

These people are rare in this world as hard to find. I know because there are times when I do find them and I hold them dear to me in fear of losing them. I have never been this way and in truth I'm so antisocial that I do not make attempts in  reaching out to others unless I feel there is something that attracts me to them in the first place. I'm a snob. Fine, I'll wear that near my letter, but I don't want to waste what little of my time I have with those who waste their time speaking of the lives of others and the importance for frivolous ideals and acts that made me want to leave high school in the first place. SO to say I'm repealed by stupidity and selfishness it not saying enough. I do what I can to go out of my way to not attract these individuals in the first place, surrounding myself with what most would consider ugly and gross. I do not want them to notice me and I do not care if they find me unapproachable, unattractive or boring.

I'm attracted to intelligence, often time looking for others who know more than I do in some sense. It does not have to be anything academic in any way as long as there is passion for what drives them and that passion is infectious. That drive to improve and make an attempt at becoming better is more than attractive, it's a must to even speak any deep words towards you. It compels me to even make an attempt to speak up and take those risks that I am often times terrified making. I make those risks now where I feel safe, but I'm safe from rejection here. With others I often feel rejection first and feel it's harsh and cold bite upon me before I realize that I do not care. Then I simply laugh it off and find amazement that such a boogy man even frightened me in any way.

I might have thick skin, but it's scared skin from many lacerations.

So to simply say that I am attracted to you is not a guarantee for anything. It simply means that I want to spend time with you. Not sex. Not making out or sending photos of genitalia or drunken texts or calls. It means that something about you compels me to discover who you are and what you mean to me. That is all. Nothing more. Sometimes I realize you are not worth my time. Other times I realize everything that shine is not always of value. And few times I realize that just because you are attractive that you are not worth more than a bit of conversation.

In truth, I've learned three things in all this.

1. Just because we are friends does not mean we are going to be anything more.

2. Other times I realize that you are worth more and I want you in my life on a permanent level and I would trust you with my life and the lives of others who are important to me. In those moments I would make you family. Family is permanent and worth the trouble. Please note, I don't fuck family. Sorry, but I don't cross that line. If you are family then you are almost sacred, not fuckable. End of discussion.

3. Few people I've been good friends with who I've had a romantic relationship with I've come to regret losing as friends. As much as I can say, my romantic life is a train wreck and I'm still trying to figure it out. Yes, I would find you more meaningful and precious, but losing you would horrify me. I've lost too many great women in my life because I crossed that line or worse, that line crossed me.

So yea, that is what I see as friends and being attractive to them. That's basically it. Nothing more and nothing less. I'm coming to understand that sex is best had by people I can consider disposable and not important to me. Saying that, I haven't been sleeping around for a long time. Sadly, I'm ok wit this. Sure not that much Oxycontin  is shared, but chocolate is good and I don't have to deal with the insanity.

Or at least until I can contain that part of me that I lose when I "fall in love". So far there are more than enough individuals making damn sure I don't do anything stupid since I have horrible sense of being sexually attracted to elements that can and will hurt me. I would not be shocked that I would be turned on by fire.

Yea....blue haired girls are a no no.

Yep.....a no no. A yummy no no.

......

So.....yea.

Shower Epiphany: The Price of Words

I'm still pondering something that happens to me frequently, especially when someone gets to know me well enough. It's something usually feeds into my low self esteem at times since most people make it a habit of assuming characteristics form one's physical form rather then to ask and question the individual. It's one of the reasons why I don't like looking into mirrors, being in crowds and at times being around small children as their worried parents usually pulls them away out of some horror within their head instead of seeing that they handed me a small rock or object.

I do look menacing, I'm not going to argue that. I do look like someone who can hurt you physically and has more than enough ability to do so quickly and efficiently. It's a byproduct of training more than 25 years at my art to the level of not only understanding how delicate the human body can be, but how simple it is to cause so much harm in a few movements and miscalculated, or worse careless, movements.

The same can be said to words.

What was said to me was that they would have never imagined that I, looking very much a bruiser and menace of many sorts would have a "profound", the only saving grace in the comment, intellect and kind and sensitive nature. Yea.....ouch. It hurts. My response was not to get insulted or to even show the person how painful the statement was. I mean, why correct the oblivious when life can? Instead I simply said, that those of us who think deeply and understand the meaning and value of words usually get crushed in this world. If anything my appearance is merely defensive, as all of my training. When I weighed 129 lbs at 5'10'' I looked as if people can simply blow me away with a puff of air. They didn't understand that what I said I've meant and what I mean is a calculated thought rather than careless words. With my appearance them I was bookish, timid, weak or sweet in kinder words. A fagot, punkass, and a pussy in harsher ones.

My appearance has never matched the power of my words until I began my training once more. Even when I was 50 lbs heavier I carried an awe of dread and dare I say power that caused most people to either give me enough space or simply just continue to ostracize me. Only a few would approach me and discover that Frankenstien's monster have a mind, as abnormal as it would seem. When painfully thin it was a challenge. No one can back up their words simply with meaning and deliberate thought. Anyone who would speak that strongly would only draw challengers who thought of a rebuttal was that I can take you out into the parking lot and beat the shit out of you. Ina nation that values the Second Amendment without realizing that it was placed after the First can not value the power of communication and preservation of an idea that cause re-evolution rather than bloodied cost that is called revolution. Without understanding that true tyranny removes one's voice and creates a vacuum that causes rise to violence, one can not comprehend that words are to be protected, defended as well as cherished and valued greater than bullets. A well placed word can prevent bloodshed as well as cause it and hence must be protected at all cost as well as instill the responsibility of such use and how one's existence can change in the matter of a moment with a words.

The concept is more than frightening and reserved for nightmares and horror movies rather than deep consideration. It is something that frighten us as individuals as we knee jerk it with loudness and empty banter that has only hidden and shallow meaning instead of realizing that such horrors are not only survivable, but livable. Such hells are endured not only in despot nations that new manufactures pump out to bring the ire of a nation that has not idea what life is and isn't to those individuals, but to drive enough frenzy to cause harm out of some twisted mixture of nationalism and small genitalia compensation. Or perhaps a better result in the abject disgust without counter action which, like silence and active ignorance usually defaulted into consent.

No, such acts of horror are common in homes where thoughts are not challenged or examined, but accepted in broad brushstrokes as bad and good without second thought. Second thought and reluctantness would be characterized as deviant, perverse and cast down as cause and reason for punishment that somehow does not equate to justice and liberty if the math is examined closely. Words have been fought over, even when their meanings are unknown. It's been said that slaves read the bible in rebellion simply knowing that the act of reading is punishable to death and yet it would be centuries before the progeny of those slaves would understand the item was not coveted for the message it carried, since it sanctified slavery, but in the act in itself.

Having my own voice taken, or more precisely explained ignorantly rejected, I've come to understand that power of words and meaning. How one changed word can be detrimental to a general message, especially from those who quote mine and wish to create loopholes where there is none to be found. A strong message and well thought idea can change minds instantly and provoke deeper understanding, inspire debate as well as a free circulation of thoughts and examination of what we are and what we wish to be in this short moment we call life. It can convey emotion that lingers or simply free the minds of those who believe themselves islands rather than among others of the like. Communication has been regulated, guarded, censored and held on trial for the greater good and moral upstanding of ideals that are to this day held as unquestionable. We are watched and yet shocked when our watchmen do not hold true to the regiment forced upon us at times. We can not understand that liberty is never stolen but foolishly relinquished.

And yet, there is a price. Imagine how many error you have committed that only a well placed would would have saved. Or the lack of a word would have protected. Or simply remaining silent. That power hold us responsible for what we dare to speak, much more what we mindlessly utter. It's those consequences that we end up in angst and and in our moment of rue that we only wish to return back to that moment and speak differently;. We come to realize that our words often cost us more than we are willing to lose. That we can not afford to harm. We discover that words must be protected for all of our sakes.

And so, I know my mind is never sought unless a moment arises and I leave most dumbfounded and shocked. The monster speaks and yet he speak with eloquence and meaning that has everyone in awe yet not enough to question why. A miserable few do seek me out, yet usually with morbid curiosity or even in mediums such as this one where I am limited and only what I want is passed on. I am filtered into approved morsels and swallowed without further thought. It is very rare to find others like myself and those moments are cherished and enjoyed on the level of last bits that have to suffice as present memory for hard times.

So yes, I am misconstrued not by my own words, but just for the assumption that some ignorance does not escape my mouth as many assume. It is why I choose to remain silent among you and often play into your ignorant assumptions with secret puckish intentions. It's what keeps me from falling into sadness at being misunderstood before my mouth opens.

“...once I falsely hoped to meet the beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities which I was capable of unfolding.” 

― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

Oh well......

Shower Epiphany: So I find you attractive: a concise guide to what I actually mean when I say it and other tips in dealing with me

Speaking to a good friend yesterday, I realize that I'm a bit of an oddity, especially when she calls me one. This usually come to light when we are discussion how I don't usually fit with what the majority of "alpha males" are doing to get the attention of potential mate. I've come to realize that I guess it's my fault since I usually make most people, especially women confused, so I'm going to screw around with a pamphlet that helps people figure me out a bit more. The working title is going to be "So I find you attractive: a concise guide to what I actually mean when I say it." Some topics include:

What do I want from you? Nothing really:how hanging out is just that and not a sneaky way into your pants.

What's your favorite color?: How I usually pick things up for people since I see them and how it does not mean I'm trying to getting you to "owe me" and probably paying you back for treating for a meal.

Why are you breaking up with me or giving me the girlfriend talk?: Even if we hang out and I care alot about you, it does now mean we are in a relationship. If I haven't seen you at minimum naked I don't need the girlfriend talk. That's just your emotions trying to deal with someone who actually cares about others. Imagine that, care about you without sex?

"Oh wow, this is an interesting conversation we are having......um, my boyfriend also cares about this topic....:How it's ok to enjoy a conversation without having guilt of having one without your significant other. No, it' snot cheating. It's just being interesting. You know, like that beer guy? Interesting?

"It's kind of late do you want to crash here?" : How I didn't get your hint on sleeping with you and you should probably just come out an mention it. I'm a simple creature who doesn't think he is attractive, especially after that threeway you talked about just a little while ago.

"Wait.....what are you doing? Why did you stop?": How I listen to the word "No" and how to cope with that. I know, I actually listened.

And so many more! Sign up now and you also get a list of things that I care about and not give a rat's ass for, such as....

*I like science and research not fairy tales and stories of your friends brother that proves that dogs have souls or leprechauns. 

*Being nice to rude people is my way of laughing since I know they're so close to getting beat down and I want people to see how much of an ass they are before I snap

*I don't care about famous people or millionaires. I'm sure they have their issues and problems. I just don't care. Anyone who can afford a decent amount of food in their fridge are not usually on my list so......oh well

And!

*Someone is being an ass on tv and everyone is talking about it.......ok, I'm going to continue not to care about twerking, or tongues out, or being high on camera because.....well, I rather not deal with stupid shit when there are real things to deal with.

AND MUCH....MUCH MORE! Order yours now.

*takes a bow*

Shower Epiphany: Self Conscious Work Ethic of the Inadiquate

I've come to realize that my lack of confidence is probably the greatest motivator I have. Mind you, I'm in no way saying it's a good thing or that I'm happy always feeling that I'm not good enough to do certain things, yet after reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers  I've come to realize that there are very few of us with that natural talent of simple being the best at something. Few of us can say, "hey, I'm so and so" and people will swoon. Few of us can actually pick up something and simple be magnificent at it off the bat. Yes, those people are talented and special. And yet there are limiters to them. If they do not have the opportunity to practice, improve, explore and love their work their gift is worthless. You need to put in work in order to expose that greatness. 

So enter me. I know I'm not many things and I have a heavy feeling of not belonging anyways so you would figure that would have me locked up in a room. And yet, I know there is something to me if I put in enough work. I never believed that I was smart enough to go to college until I memorized and can predict the frequency of periodicals, the shipments, the time and who requested them from top of my head. I know it's stupid. I just memorized close to 2000 magazines and newspapers, but the part that dawned at me is that if I put my self at it I was not going to be this virtuoso at publishing, but my hard work would not only keep me competitive, but almost at the peak where I can see these naturally brilliant people. It's stupid, but  I learned how to learn, even if it took me a decade to get it to an art. I think that ability is not giving me an edge in thinking. 

Not strong enough? Hit the pile again. Not fast enough? Run more. Not smart enough? Study two hours more to the 6 I already am studying at. not creative enough? Read and foster that ability. Not healthy enough? Change my habits slowly to ensure permanent and positive change and move gradually. Not kind enough? Look who is and study their ability and thoughts to cultivate that ability. There is nothing I can not do to improve myself if I feel I am not enough.

......yea....maybe that too. 

I'm not one to say I'm handsome or even attractive naturally, but I'm witty and smart and entertaining enough to make anyone forget that. I clean up nicely because I'm not changing myself physically but simply improving the package. I'm understanding, just as  Louis C.K. does, that if I have ever had someone attracted to me it was never physically. It was that I had traits that overlooked them. I can not improve how I look to a certain degree, but I can remain fit and active. I can regulate my weight and muscle mass. I can choose what I want to wear and how I want to look. I have more options that I realize, especially considering that I'm trying to play for the end game. I'm going to be hitting 40 soon and I don't want to hit that steep slope of change that all men struggle with. I don't want to be that old guy who has trouble. I'm just liking how my life is getting so I want to keep it a bit longer. I want to be that old guy who dies on the track. I've already gotten compliments that I don't seem my age and not just from my behavior. I live that. I can not do anything about aging, but getting old is not an option. I already lost years of my life due to sickness and pressure that I will not get back, so why not make life better overall?

Yea, I may be unattractive in my 60's but I'm still going to be running. I'm going to be running away from a cane and wheelchair. I'm going to be lifting, training, working out, and eating well so that nothing stops me from what I want to do. I'm still that kid screaming, "you can't tell me what to do." Why would I let age and wasted ability to take that away from me too? I know I have genes that are going to work against me, why not bring the fight to them?

So.....if I know I'm not good enough and I drive myself to work more at it, earn my 10,000 hours and then some, is it still a bad thing?

That is the question I'm  not pondering. It's like the whole, if Hitler was so evil and spit fire at blind babies could he still pick a flower and hand it to someone out of kindness, sort of crappery that we like to paint things black and white.

So...yea. 

Shower Epiphany: How big is big enough?

I was looking through social media when I found a photo of a standard stick shift with the caption of "If you man can't use one of these then you have a girlfriend." I chuckled, but not in the way you may think. I like the fact that I'm over anything like this. I'm happy that this doesn't have any affect on me, positive or negative.

I'll explain.

My son is staying with us now and he's this 19 year old kid who is mature for his age, yet a bit childish. Either way I'm happy that he has that childish side since he lived things rough back east, living in Detroit. There was a point where he was on his own and he learned some hard lessons on who people are, what they can be, and what they show you. It's given him a hard look to him, but just enough. Nothing permanent.

That hard look.

Overall, he's doing well here and he's on his way to starting life well. He's confident, kind, and above all not threatened. He knows what he is, who he is, has a sense of his strengths and weaknesses and understanding of what he wants to do. Thankfully he escaped the trap if MANHOOD (should be read with a flaming erection and ejaculating cars.....see the Fast and Furious for reference).

My father and I had a conversation over him one day and how comfortable he is in his skin when the question of when we felt comfortable came up in which we spoke sbout patriarchy and it can even have a negative aspect on the lives of me, believe it or not. Especially in the Latino community where the size of everything has to be big: your junk, ego, car, shoes, girlfriend's tits, your baby son's junk and so on. There is a strong abd often time heavy weight where you have to be all man all the time like some sort of Spike show with flaming tits and cat ejaculate. You get the point, brought to you by Axe body spray.

And yet, I reminded him of our line. My son plays music and is thin, vegetarian, and very non threatening. I practice several martial arts, have fought on the street and dojo, have numerous injuries to my practice and know that I may walk my later years with a cane. My face looks very thuggish from my broken nose and I carry a ln aura, if you will, of hostility and fear when in truth I'm quite the intellectual softy.

My father has been in the military, an athlete, boxer, a bouncer, bartender, gang leader back in the greaser years where you settled it with fists and with the bigger guy or "if he's shorter than you, him and his friends", and over all badass. He has an air of a Mafia Don and his ringtone on my phone for him is Sabbath's Devil's tone.

Yea, he's huge in a daunting way.

My grandfather has done much more, yet nothing expresses this loving and kind man more of the lethal predator of his age like simply stating that he was a veteran of the Mexican revolution and when my father would get in trouble his remedy was to hand over a loaded 45 and remind my father that the desert has no memory.

Yea... my sweet grandfather had a heavy hand and a no nonsense outlook to survival.

And my father hold an anger and resentment to this day. And he asked me if I hated him. I told him I used to. Not because he was a bad person, but because it seemed that is what is supposed to happen. Fathers make their sons into men and instill that hatered they need to do the same with their sons.

I didn't want to continue that cycle. I love my father. I knew we were caught in a cycle that questioned our manhood, yet I remembered waking in my crib and wanting to see him as he came back from work at midnight. I remember him raising me while my mother worked also. I was raised in a kitchen where women had no place and meals were made with love. I remember running home from school to catch him driving off so that I can wave goodbye. He left warm food and post it notes with messages that read, "study after you eat."

Even the moments when he wasn't physically there he was. And he was loving. He inspired me to break the cycle. I raised my son and daughter with not heavy hand and hugged both. I cooked and bathed and did hair in sometimes acceptable braids. I've pushed strollers, changed diapers, told bedtime stories and hid behind hands with them in scary parts of movies.

In no way would we fit into the model of manhood. So that should change. I taught the value of saying and listening to NO as well as including within the talk a section on concent and when is sex love and love sex. I told them that sexuality us broad, love is love as long as no one is hurt, and nothing would stop me loving them.

I didn't want them to use my rough and angry parts as a standard so I displayed other nurturing and kind aspects while wrestling with my demons. I wanted them to have freedom of expression, anger, and intellect while observing proper mediation ceremonies. I wanted the to question all and doubt everything until evidence proves true, including and especially me and all authority.

I wanted them to never hate me or to make excuses on my I had a cruel side. That cycle dies with me. So seeing my son embrace his creative side and pull mine out has been blissful. Finding a kinder side to me and helping me to be open to being loved and open has helped me greatly. It has brought life and hope back to my life.

So.......yea, I can't operate a stick. I tried and I'm sure I can learn if needed. Or I can just be some luck woman's girlfriend.

Either or. Whatever is best.

Where is my Mind?: An Apology

I know, I know. 

I haven't been writing for a while since I've been on a mental roller coaster of for the past few months and even though the threats you've all been making to make me write again have been funny....and a bit creepy......and yes, one.....kinda sounds fun, but I digress. I promise to start writing up in full steam by April. Until then I'm going to be posting just smaller pieces here and there. More Shower Epiphanies and random thoughts so that I can limber up and drop a few Love's Naloxone. 

I never knew my misery has brought so much enjoyment to so many. So yea, I'm ok. Not as happy and then again I'm not as suicidal as one would think. I'm connecting once more with my misery and angst so you have much to look forward to. Until then I'm sharing a few things I've written out of dire need. Yes, I need to write. I need to vent and I need to strip for you and expose every flaw and weakness to my voyeuristic readers for you ......enjoyment. Just please, no more pictures of the teddy bear being molested. 

Just.....ewww.....ick.

So I'm back my writing and also my drinking. Feel free to read on and yes, continue to contact me.

Thanks for being there. 

So.....yea........Um.....Placebo with Frank Black.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPE2zKbORF0&list=PL499C4E6F72830B8F

Shower Epiphany: How much less can I give you? Pt. 2

I've finally figured out what pissed me off this week and why it did. Took me a while, but it finally hit home.

Ever been insulted by someone and you realize that they have NO IDEA what they're talking about? Like being called a cow or fat ass and you weigh 60 lbs soaking wet. You get hurt and then you realize that.....wait, did you just say that? Do you even know me enough to insult me?

In my case, it was that I'm forcing myself on someone hoping that they are, I have no idea ....pressured to return affection back.

Really?

Have you ever met me? I have friends who dragged my ass around for close to a decade and finally started to crack my antisocial shell, all the while I'm feeling out of place, isolated, and have made constant.....CONSTANT attempts to get away. People have waited outside the housr and honked and threatened to cut my wifi to get me outside. But im going to nake someone spend time with me?

Not only that, but force my OUTWARDLY AND GRAND AFFECTION towards someone who not only said that they were not interested, but I'm going to ignore that and IMPOSE myself on them because hey, I'm an attractive and confident guy. Even more so that I can simply force my affection.....that's the one that gets me....towards someone.

Really? I feel awkward alone at home. I mean if you are going to accuse me of something make it realistic. Say I'm hard to get a hold of. Say that I'm moody, sarcastic, and an ass. Tell me that I can even see someone is interested in me outside of telling me and/or jumping me......yea, I know....that actually happens. Tell me I get distracted and pulled away by the world as I try to help EVERYONE I know WITHOUT any reward or demands. Shoot, I have people angry at me for not visiting them yet......and they like me somehow?!?

If even remotely told to go away and I leave.....in pilgrimage mode. I get away from people for the fear that they'll get sick of me. I've spent at least a week without speaking to another human being and usually apologetic if I even make eye contact. Trust me, I don't need to be told to leave anyone alone, much less keep any feelings in check to prevent misunderstandings. I've killed more attractions and crushes before the hour is over. I am not one to ask anyone for anything, much less affection.

What's worse I've avoided then for while now and they expect me not only to behave, but to carry on as if we don't have an issue. Yes, we do.....you are a dumbass. And that is usually the final coffin nail I need to cut people out.

So yea.....trust me. I don't need anything from anyone. Shoot, I'd love to stop hugging my children if they can just understand that I have issues with affection,but hey, they love their loving father who hugs them on request. Go freaking figure.

Geesh......shit like this.

Shower Epiphany: How much less can I give you? Pt. 1

So the other day I get seriously pist off by someone who thinks I'm hitting on them when in truth I'm doing my best to avoid them in any social way. Made me doubt myself for a good while saying what few hours I spend with them is somehow equivalent to me paying attention to them in some sort of romantic way.

Yea.....that kind of confused the fuck out of me. And then I think about some of you people who I haven't seen and spoken to in the longest time. People who keep telling me I need to call/visit/get on a damn plane after I burned every last bridge behind me. I think about you and I honestly what the fuck is wrong with them and what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm getting "the talk" as if I'm planning something when most people who actually know me know that I'm not only antisocial, but I make lesser antisocial people more social by comparison. And somehow I'm forcing intentions on someone? Are you sure you think it's me and not anyone else?

Seriously? I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing to seduce. I'm having a minimal conversation and some guys send pictures of their wiener to people they barely know. You're going to lump me up with them? Really?

As if I'm not the person who cuts ties as quick as I can breathe? Really? And I started to entertain the idea! As if I'm somehow shoving subliminal messages to them. Goodlets have sexmorning or something. Geesh. I showed my entire interaction to The Boy and I asked, am I crazy to be insulted or am I somehow doing this? He laughed and realized that some of the stories that I tell him may be true after all.

I mean, I already feel like a pariah most of the time and would not sooner stop talking in general, but damn this individual has made me feel more uneasy than anyone and they still have the fucking idea that I'm hitting on them? REALLY??!?!?!?

Shit like this just solidify the idea that I'm going to die alone and I'm actually starting to like the concept.

Geesh. Maybe I should leave everyone alone. Here I have friends who have driven hours and miles away to drive me back to spend fucking time with my antisocial ass and I'm somehow forcing intentions on someone? Really? Is my ego that unchecked? Am I doing something new?

That's it. New rule, I'm walking around with a pointy stick and I'm poking anyone who makes eye contact with me. Sorry, they fucked it up for anyone stupid enough to think I'm worth their time. Oh wells.....

Shower Epiphany: An Honest Relationship

My old friend Joe from my SMC days once told me that the most honest relationship is on the planet is between prostitute and John. Money is exchanged for services. Anything else is extra. Nothing personal. Kind of depressing, but true.

And yet, I have to say no. There is another. While passing by doing laundry the Small Blonde looks up at me from her bed and she wags her tail happily. I give her attention, she wags tail and loves it. I feed her, she thanks me. We spend happy time then she goes off into the sunny spot to take a nap. I come back into the room, she's happy to see me. I leave, she whimpers. I have something yummy and I treat her. I sleep alone and she comes up for cuddle time and sometimes wakes me by bathing. Overall, when she wants me around she goes look for me. When she is tired, she leaves.

Simple and a lot more wholesome.

When no one is looking.....

When no one is looking.....

1. I do the cookie dance if I have said cookie in my grasp. The larger the cookie the longer the dance.
2. I hide money in your pockets and purses, especially when you didn't let me pay when I wanted to.
3. I pull out quarters out of my pocket and pop them into random parking meters.
4. I try not to step on ants.
5. I have conversations with the dog/cat/phone that includes polite titles.
6. I also hug said pets and whisper that I love them so much and spoil them any chance I get so when their time is up I never feel that I never had the chance to show them how much I loved them.
7. I make random fart sounds using my mouth until I laugh myself silly.
8. I peak. Sometimes I wish I didn't. Other times I'm not impressed.
9. I run my finger into a new jar of peanut butter and leave my mark.
10. I pick up random baby clothes in their odd toddler like hangers and make them walk and then hug them before I put them back to the rack.
11. I make funny faces at others and play it off when they look towards me.
12. I check out women three times. Once to see if they are generally attractive to me. Two to check out how cute their outfit is and make mental notes to share with others who know that flats can ruin the effect. And the third time, to see if I can pick up any cool points markers, i.e. cool books, geek stalk, random nerd quotes that make me squeal in my head.
13. Randomly squeal in my head over how awesome something is while looking unphased.
14. I imitate you. I'm getting kind of good, but I still have trouble with the ears.
15. Sock puppets.
16. I move a random quarter vending machine toy monkey that I keep at your place to random places. So far, you don't notice.
17. I put on your hats, glasses, and scarves to take off notice of the fact that I still have trouble doing the ears.
18. I wake up and hug myself ok, making sure that the horrible nightmare I had didn't chase me here and try to remind myself that I'm not 6 anymore. Doesn't really help unless I am able to sleep with someone, or a pet, or stuffed animal to remind me that it's ok.
19. I still have stuffed animals and not you can't have them since they are mine and they mean the world to me.
20. I wonder why you are not looking and decide to look in the direction you are looking.
21. I tend to cut myself, light myself on fire, or bruise myself. I wish you were looking cause I have no idea how this is happening to me. Oh well.....what are you looking at?
22. Sing off key until I make fart sounds with my mouth and so on.
23. I smile.
24. I do what needs to be done before people start to realize that something isn't done.
25. I miss a handful of people and wonder why the world has take me away from them.

Tea and Cookie Zen

Sitting at a cafe with a friend, A Mysterious Tea Drinker (see you made it this time) drinking tea and reconnecting.

Mysterious Tea Drinker: I noticed that thing you were connected to on Facebook.
Me: hmmmmm.....what thing? *almost defensive*
MTD: That thing about not knowing if you are on a date.
Me: Ah.....yea....that. *keeps sipping, wishing topic was changed*
MTD: I laugh at what you write sometimes. I really think you're faking it, especially dating someone and not knowing it. How is it that this happens to you?
Me: *shrugs and does his best J.D. imitation, mumbling* I don't know....you know...fuck it you know, I don't fucking know...
*both share a laugh as we love The Show*
MTD: Ok, seriously. I know you told me the stories already, but I still find it odd. How can you not know if someone is into you?
Me: Well....that's not the question, is it? I know if someone is into me. The thing is are they into me enough to make their designs known. *nibbles on his half of the black and white cookie*
MTD: What do you mean?
Me: *takes a moment to chew and sips tea to help it go down faster* Ok....I know if someone is into me. I figure that most people have to be if they're going to spend any time with me, like now. We're having tea and sharing a cookie or two. Is it a big deal? Is it something special? Will we be looking back at this and telling our grandchildren that this is how we met. *does a series of yes and no head shakes to prove and disprove the statement* Who knows? As for me, I stopped caring years ago.
MTD: Why did you stop caring?
Me: You know.....I really don't know anymore. Part of me feels that I am running out of time. As if I don't have the time to actually go out and go courting. I kind of felt this way a while back.....*does math* seven years or so. I just feel that it's something I've missed out and will never do. So, I just spend time with others.
MTD: But thats like anything else. You have to make time for others. Don't you get lonely or horny?*smiling at my facial response*
Me: Well, I see you're cutting to the bone again. Yea, I do since we are going to be blunt. I know how to hang out with someone. I know how to have fun and just screw around in a sort of, "I'm going to get in trouble so you wanna come along sort of thing". I even know how to sleep with a woman, but somehow I can't get that the ducks all in line. I never just went out with someone or at least it never went well just to end up in a relationship. I don't know....to me it seems ...deceptive.
MTD: Deceptive?
Me: Yea.....deceptive. I have never felt good with the idea of meeting someone to date really. I ....don't feel that comfortable in my own skin to do that. It feels like lying to me. As if I am trying to just get into bed with them and that is the ultimate goal. That makes me feel....ick....just ick. I don't know I never had that confidence where I know I'm going to get someone into bed or that we were going to hit it off into a relationship. I've always been that chubby kid or the thin guy or the guy who has been married all his life. So when I talk to someone...anyone....it's more of a conversation. I just want to know who you are and if I want to see you again.
MTD: Isn't that dating?
Me:.....no. Imagine just seeing someone because they make you laugh. I don't even know why I'm even am explaining this. It seems so simple in my head. It's just hanging out with someone with no promise of sex. I mean, if you do that and know for any reason that it's not going to happen you get comfortable all of a sudden. Like talking to a large room. You know that you are never going to get your speech right and that the best thing to do is just go with the flow and get close enough while just sort of getting there. Not rush or obligation. Just say what is on your mind. That honesty just takes the burden off of you. I don't have to "clean up" and pretend that I'm just interested in you so that I can bed you. That's just dishonest. I don't want to be that guy. I want to know you and figure out if I want to spend the rest of my life having tea with you.
MTD: Wow....that's really cool. You just want to hang out. But then why do you have this problem then?
Me: I don't know. I'm honest. I have to be. I'm a horrible liar. If I end up being phony you'd know it. I get plastic very fast. I don't like that. I am not interested in that. I'm just spending a bit of time with people I like to be around.
MTD: Are you attracted to them?
Me: Sure.....I'm attracted to everyone I spend time with. I am interested in them like walking to a book store. There are so many books but there is only so much time to pick one up and invest that time into them. Some books I never picked up. Others I've given up one the first page or in the middle. Either way I was always attracted to them and I had given that investment up, but I just realized that I figured them out and sensed that I didn't want to finish them or that it was something I made a mistake in and decided I didn't want to know any more. So I put them down and move on. Others I reread and cherish all my life.
MTD: You treat people like books?
Me: .....yea....
MTD: That's kind of messed up.
Me: Not really. You like some things and you want those things around you. I'm not going to waste my time on something that is going to waste my time and if it's a person their time as well. I want to know if I can go back and "reread" you again and again. I want to know that you are a story that I value, love and will even share with others. Everyone is special in that way, but that does not mean that I am willing to read about them or that the story will please me. I'm sure there are awesome people in the world that also watch Honey Boo Boo. I just don't want to meet them. It's not my thing and I rather not waste their time. It's easier to meet people and walk away. It's harder if you throw sex into the mix.
MTD: Ok, then you just spend time with people. That still doesn't answer the question. Do you want something more?
Me: Yea....
MTD: So don't you think that you should tell people that you want them?
Me: If that was the issue, would we not be having tea.
MTD: Wait...what?
Me: *laughing* I'm joking. But in a way I'm not. I'm not that shallow. I like moments like these with people without knowing that sex is going to screw it over. I love telling someone who everyone if vying for their attention that I think we make better friends than lovers so we should just be friends. It really fucks over women, but it also puts them at rest and I really get to know them. I mean the real them. Once that pressure is off you meet the real person.
MTD: Then are we having a date?
Me: I hope not. I'm still sweaty from my workout and I honestly think you can do better.
*we share a laugh*
Me: But it's like that. I just stopped caring cause it's just.....dishonest. I like you alot. I've known you for years and I miss you and I want to know what have happened while life pulled me away from you. I try to reconnect with a handful of people because I care and love them and alot of times I can't get to all of them. So these moments are good for me. In the end, I'm happy seeing you all again.
MTD: But what if they're married or dating?
Me: Bring them along. Once again I'm not trying to get into someone's pants. I just want my time with them. I want to see how they are and if they attached then pull them along. I'm not hiding anything. I honestly care about them and not vying to "sit on the bench".
MTD: But you end up on alot of benches.
Me: Yea.....I do. Sometimes I figure that out and I think it's why I end up being the other man. I'm working on some things to change that, but what am I going to do? I think it's why I don't trust people all the way until we had these moments and then I still don't.
MTD: Why?
Me: We met like this how many times? I mean, if you were just trying to date me or get my attention how many things would you tell me to sway me? Would you be yourself or would you be that person you think would attract me? Would you tell me what books you love or agree with me that Cervantes was brilliant? I already know he's brilliant. But I want to know what you think not what you think would get you to sleep with me. You end up with a version of the person that isn't great or real. You build up this imaginary lover who you lose track of in the end. I'm making close friends no matter what. Someone who will have me over for a meal and let me play with their children one day. People who will be my family. I don't keep lovers as family since I'm not wired that way. I make close friends who I will keep. Lovers....they just end up leaving. Remember? " I need lab partners more than a bedmate? I need to pass chemistry!"
*we laugh long at that one*
MTD: So....if I'm seeing someone...
Me: I wish you happiness. I told you that you can do better than me.
MTD: And if I'm not.
Me: *shrugs* I like tea and cookies and so do you. We can always have tea and cookies.
MTD: And if I want more?
Me: *calling her bluff* Then let's see. Either way I already think you're great so there isn't much you have to do. See.....no pressure at all. But I still think you can do better.
* we laugh some more and spend the rest of the time enjoying our moment*

Moral: Collect people who will make you happy. Not people who are fuckable.

And Baba Booye to you all.

Shower Epiphany: When Ripples collect into Waves

I'm always amazed how I run into stories how "Big ____" is some how trying to stop you from learning the truth about some morsel of information that somehow will improve your life immensely. It's always some large corporation, government agency, or an ancient cult where your misery and suffering is somehow beneficial. And yet, I've seen human behavior where some would litter than to walk a few steps to use a waste basket, much less keep it with themselves worry about a Nanny State. I've seen people smother the most unhealthiest food in the most unhealthy condiments on an hourly basis and yet mention how organic things need to be or how vaccines, pharmaceutical companies, and/or government intervention is making food unhealthy. We see a generation who feared Big Brother yield a narcissistic generation where minor actions are announced to the world and yet libraries are closing due to lack of interest. Worst of all, with the advancements in technology and communication we had lost our xenophobic threat only to gain the ability to hide in shadows of privacy to strike out at others over random and unsolicited opinions that were never in question.

I tend to ponder if its not our behavior that dictates our results or is it our lack of involvement outside of need of an excuse, patsey, scapegoat or whipping boy to justify not our self desire, but out perceived misery to remain in a rut that we ourselves have placed ourselves. When pizza delivery, phone and fast food companies have immense political influence why are we looking towards the shadows of conspiracy rather than ourselves to realize that our own gluttonous need and slothful interests has made these Paper Meche Mephistopheles. When do we realize that a well placed and cited search in a library or even Google can stop big anything with information that was never hidden, but simply never sought after. That a well placed question placed correctly can create a journey to a better existence when an ignorant one can be Googled rather than Twittered. The idea that we use terms like Google and Twitter rather than research and blurt is saying more about us than that place/group/people over there....you know...THEM.

Really?

In this age?

Where I just wrote this on a small machine that communicates through satellites and computers? Really?

Yea.....we need a new excuse for us not giving a rat's ass....isn't there a meme right about now?

Sad part, I wrote this knowing most people will avoid it since its "too long". Then again, Jay Z and I must keep the Illuminati hidden....

So sad....so sad.

Maybe its because I've been in school "so damn long" that I learn not only what I was supposed to learn but everything possible. Mayhaps I even learned how to learn. That can't be it. I actually use what I learned instead be rushed into a minor role that has nothing to do with my education instead of blame my lack of progress against the shadowy education system. 

Stupid me.