Tea and Cookie Zen

Sitting at a cafe with a friend, A Mysterious Tea Drinker (see you made it this time) drinking tea and reconnecting.

Mysterious Tea Drinker: I noticed that thing you were connected to on Facebook.
Me: hmmmmm.....what thing? *almost defensive*
MTD: That thing about not knowing if you are on a date.
Me: Ah.....yea....that. *keeps sipping, wishing topic was changed*
MTD: I laugh at what you write sometimes. I really think you're faking it, especially dating someone and not knowing it. How is it that this happens to you?
Me: *shrugs and does his best J.D. imitation, mumbling* I don't know....you know...fuck it you know, I don't fucking know...
*both share a laugh as we love The Show*
MTD: Ok, seriously. I know you told me the stories already, but I still find it odd. How can you not know if someone is into you?
Me: Well....that's not the question, is it? I know if someone is into me. The thing is are they into me enough to make their designs known. *nibbles on his half of the black and white cookie*
MTD: What do you mean?
Me: *takes a moment to chew and sips tea to help it go down faster* Ok....I know if someone is into me. I figure that most people have to be if they're going to spend any time with me, like now. We're having tea and sharing a cookie or two. Is it a big deal? Is it something special? Will we be looking back at this and telling our grandchildren that this is how we met. *does a series of yes and no head shakes to prove and disprove the statement* Who knows? As for me, I stopped caring years ago.
MTD: Why did you stop caring?
Me: You know.....I really don't know anymore. Part of me feels that I am running out of time. As if I don't have the time to actually go out and go courting. I kind of felt this way a while back.....*does math* seven years or so. I just feel that it's something I've missed out and will never do. So, I just spend time with others.
MTD: But thats like anything else. You have to make time for others. Don't you get lonely or horny?*smiling at my facial response*
Me: Well, I see you're cutting to the bone again. Yea, I do since we are going to be blunt. I know how to hang out with someone. I know how to have fun and just screw around in a sort of, "I'm going to get in trouble so you wanna come along sort of thing". I even know how to sleep with a woman, but somehow I can't get that the ducks all in line. I never just went out with someone or at least it never went well just to end up in a relationship. I don't know....to me it seems ...deceptive.
MTD: Deceptive?
Me: Yea.....deceptive. I have never felt good with the idea of meeting someone to date really. I ....don't feel that comfortable in my own skin to do that. It feels like lying to me. As if I am trying to just get into bed with them and that is the ultimate goal. That makes me feel....ick....just ick. I don't know I never had that confidence where I know I'm going to get someone into bed or that we were going to hit it off into a relationship. I've always been that chubby kid or the thin guy or the guy who has been married all his life. So when I talk to someone...anyone....it's more of a conversation. I just want to know who you are and if I want to see you again.
MTD: Isn't that dating?
Me:.....no. Imagine just seeing someone because they make you laugh. I don't even know why I'm even am explaining this. It seems so simple in my head. It's just hanging out with someone with no promise of sex. I mean, if you do that and know for any reason that it's not going to happen you get comfortable all of a sudden. Like talking to a large room. You know that you are never going to get your speech right and that the best thing to do is just go with the flow and get close enough while just sort of getting there. Not rush or obligation. Just say what is on your mind. That honesty just takes the burden off of you. I don't have to "clean up" and pretend that I'm just interested in you so that I can bed you. That's just dishonest. I don't want to be that guy. I want to know you and figure out if I want to spend the rest of my life having tea with you.
MTD: Wow....that's really cool. You just want to hang out. But then why do you have this problem then?
Me: I don't know. I'm honest. I have to be. I'm a horrible liar. If I end up being phony you'd know it. I get plastic very fast. I don't like that. I am not interested in that. I'm just spending a bit of time with people I like to be around.
MTD: Are you attracted to them?
Me: Sure.....I'm attracted to everyone I spend time with. I am interested in them like walking to a book store. There are so many books but there is only so much time to pick one up and invest that time into them. Some books I never picked up. Others I've given up one the first page or in the middle. Either way I was always attracted to them and I had given that investment up, but I just realized that I figured them out and sensed that I didn't want to finish them or that it was something I made a mistake in and decided I didn't want to know any more. So I put them down and move on. Others I reread and cherish all my life.
MTD: You treat people like books?
Me: .....yea....
MTD: That's kind of messed up.
Me: Not really. You like some things and you want those things around you. I'm not going to waste my time on something that is going to waste my time and if it's a person their time as well. I want to know if I can go back and "reread" you again and again. I want to know that you are a story that I value, love and will even share with others. Everyone is special in that way, but that does not mean that I am willing to read about them or that the story will please me. I'm sure there are awesome people in the world that also watch Honey Boo Boo. I just don't want to meet them. It's not my thing and I rather not waste their time. It's easier to meet people and walk away. It's harder if you throw sex into the mix.
MTD: Ok, then you just spend time with people. That still doesn't answer the question. Do you want something more?
Me: Yea....
MTD: So don't you think that you should tell people that you want them?
Me: If that was the issue, would we not be having tea.
MTD: Wait...what?
Me: *laughing* I'm joking. But in a way I'm not. I'm not that shallow. I like moments like these with people without knowing that sex is going to screw it over. I love telling someone who everyone if vying for their attention that I think we make better friends than lovers so we should just be friends. It really fucks over women, but it also puts them at rest and I really get to know them. I mean the real them. Once that pressure is off you meet the real person.
MTD: Then are we having a date?
Me: I hope not. I'm still sweaty from my workout and I honestly think you can do better.
*we share a laugh*
Me: But it's like that. I just stopped caring cause it's just.....dishonest. I like you alot. I've known you for years and I miss you and I want to know what have happened while life pulled me away from you. I try to reconnect with a handful of people because I care and love them and alot of times I can't get to all of them. So these moments are good for me. In the end, I'm happy seeing you all again.
MTD: But what if they're married or dating?
Me: Bring them along. Once again I'm not trying to get into someone's pants. I just want my time with them. I want to see how they are and if they attached then pull them along. I'm not hiding anything. I honestly care about them and not vying to "sit on the bench".
MTD: But you end up on alot of benches.
Me: Yea.....I do. Sometimes I figure that out and I think it's why I end up being the other man. I'm working on some things to change that, but what am I going to do? I think it's why I don't trust people all the way until we had these moments and then I still don't.
MTD: Why?
Me: We met like this how many times? I mean, if you were just trying to date me or get my attention how many things would you tell me to sway me? Would you be yourself or would you be that person you think would attract me? Would you tell me what books you love or agree with me that Cervantes was brilliant? I already know he's brilliant. But I want to know what you think not what you think would get you to sleep with me. You end up with a version of the person that isn't great or real. You build up this imaginary lover who you lose track of in the end. I'm making close friends no matter what. Someone who will have me over for a meal and let me play with their children one day. People who will be my family. I don't keep lovers as family since I'm not wired that way. I make close friends who I will keep. Lovers....they just end up leaving. Remember? " I need lab partners more than a bedmate? I need to pass chemistry!"
*we laugh long at that one*
MTD: So....if I'm seeing someone...
Me: I wish you happiness. I told you that you can do better than me.
MTD: And if I'm not.
Me: *shrugs* I like tea and cookies and so do you. We can always have tea and cookies.
MTD: And if I want more?
Me: *calling her bluff* Then let's see. Either way I already think you're great so there isn't much you have to do. See.....no pressure at all. But I still think you can do better.
* we laugh some more and spend the rest of the time enjoying our moment*

Moral: Collect people who will make you happy. Not people who are fuckable.

And Baba Booye to you all.

Shower Epiphany: When Ripples collect into Waves

I'm always amazed how I run into stories how "Big ____" is some how trying to stop you from learning the truth about some morsel of information that somehow will improve your life immensely. It's always some large corporation, government agency, or an ancient cult where your misery and suffering is somehow beneficial. And yet, I've seen human behavior where some would litter than to walk a few steps to use a waste basket, much less keep it with themselves worry about a Nanny State. I've seen people smother the most unhealthiest food in the most unhealthy condiments on an hourly basis and yet mention how organic things need to be or how vaccines, pharmaceutical companies, and/or government intervention is making food unhealthy. We see a generation who feared Big Brother yield a narcissistic generation where minor actions are announced to the world and yet libraries are closing due to lack of interest. Worst of all, with the advancements in technology and communication we had lost our xenophobic threat only to gain the ability to hide in shadows of privacy to strike out at others over random and unsolicited opinions that were never in question.

I tend to ponder if its not our behavior that dictates our results or is it our lack of involvement outside of need of an excuse, patsey, scapegoat or whipping boy to justify not our self desire, but out perceived misery to remain in a rut that we ourselves have placed ourselves. When pizza delivery, phone and fast food companies have immense political influence why are we looking towards the shadows of conspiracy rather than ourselves to realize that our own gluttonous need and slothful interests has made these Paper Meche Mephistopheles. When do we realize that a well placed and cited search in a library or even Google can stop big anything with information that was never hidden, but simply never sought after. That a well placed question placed correctly can create a journey to a better existence when an ignorant one can be Googled rather than Twittered. The idea that we use terms like Google and Twitter rather than research and blurt is saying more about us than that place/group/people over there....you know...THEM.

Really?

In this age?

Where I just wrote this on a small machine that communicates through satellites and computers? Really?

Yea.....we need a new excuse for us not giving a rat's ass....isn't there a meme right about now?

Sad part, I wrote this knowing most people will avoid it since its "too long". Then again, Jay Z and I must keep the Illuminati hidden....

So sad....so sad.

Maybe its because I've been in school "so damn long" that I learn not only what I was supposed to learn but everything possible. Mayhaps I even learned how to learn. That can't be it. I actually use what I learned instead be rushed into a minor role that has nothing to do with my education instead of blame my lack of progress against the shadowy education system. 

Stupid me.

Because I still haven't made up my mind of staying.

Loaded questions of 2014

Them: You know how you finally realized that women are a force of nature.....not even human. That force of nature that isn't bound to the confinement that many want to place.....well, what if you are just like that. What if you are that lightning that everyone is trying to capture and either people get tired trying and walk away or simply slander you with heavy shit to make you conform..... If you're a creature of chaos and you are doing your best to bring order to your life, have you ever wondered that you should just be a creature of chaos? Why do you have to change?

Me: Fuck you and drink....*knocks back agave as if it was liquid pain*

Just Barely.....

Geesh....finally.