Chaos

Chaos.

My life has always been surrounded with chaos.

It's something I've have always strive against and waged secret wars. It's the difference between peace and hell. It's sudden arrival has driven me to test my metal as we've once have said.

Chaos. Through chaos I've learned that the human being can be the cruelest creature imaginable. I've learned that steeled sharpened words can cut deep and make one to bleed ever so slowly. It's the moment in which one contemplates actions that would free us from our suffering and would cause hands to become bloodied.

Chaos is my prison. It captures my heart and shreds it daily, draining all compassion and kindness from my soul. It's what makes me drive myself away from anyone and everyone in fear of corruption. I forces me to keep loving arms from holding another, with fear that I would one day bring hard to anyone who I love simply because chaos does not discriminate and will hurt anyone in the radius. Chaos is what drives me to send those who I would not want but to hold and love away.

Chaos.

I sit now, not on the Island of Patmos, but within the eye of my own personal hell. No matter how much I train for it to happen, life is nothing of a teacher when chaos arrives. It makes me cold. It gives me the haunted look in my eyes and the foolish find brooding and sexy. It causes the young and naive to search me out and ask me of the secret of life. It seperates me from my Circle for emotional miles from those who I love the most. It's why I never look into the mirror. It's why I will always medicate to escape the horror of it. It's why I will in truth not love anyone again.

Chaos comes at a high price.

I always wondered why people live where they do. Some live on earthquake faults and others in paths of hurricans. Others live under false slumbering behemots knowing that in a moment they will perish in ash and hot molten glass. Other live in a violence that they do not know of until another asks the why do they suffer so.

Chaos.

I've aged another year yesterday. An event that I do not celebrate or promote. It's more of a solemn occasion which has made others to brand me as old beyond my time. I've always look back as my past actions I've commuted in the year and judge them. I look at my sins and question my motives. I ask if I have created good or simply destroyed life. I take value my mind/soul/being with catholic eyes and Buddhist resolve in order understand what I have done.

I've learned in my time here that those who survives trauma are proned to chaos. They spawn it out of their own words and action, driving peace away and hell to take place. They with or without knowing of their own actions have manifested chaos to those around them. They force those near them to suffer. They walk in hatred that may not be of their own mind and they destroy what in many case they seek the most.

You've asked me why I do not condemn others for spawning chaos. You've asked me why I reach towards those who make others suffer and hurt under their hands, regardless if they want to or not. You asked me why would I reach out towards them. Why I study the holocaust from every angle and why understanding the hand of the oppressor will lead to understanding the hurt of the oppressed.

Chaos is an illness that affects us all, but some more than others. It costs us life and love. Trust and safety. It does not only hurt those we love but everyone we encounter. in my defense I've made myself an island. I've seeked out cures for my illness and am sad to declare that it may just be fatal. It has no true cure. Belief in God, country, faith, and Karma has only caused me to understand that I suffer with many, but I also suffer alone.

Chaos keeps me from you. It keeps me from confiding more than if safe for you. It keeps me from sharing the nightmares and the screams at night. It forces me to remain silent even though I want to scream until I drown in my own blood. It keeps me from getting to close to those I love and to drive them away if they get too close. It helps me come to the conclusion that I will die alone. That my death would be secluded and distant regardless of who is in my life.

Chaos will be the one to do me in. It rages within me and causes me to burn horribly. It consumes any good I may have created and always threaten to destroy what peace I've gathered.

Chaos is never kind nor merciful. It does not live to love nor hurt, but is. It acts on another level that most of us can not understand and it creates divisions, corruption, and heartache. Chaos will always follow me and will hunt me down. I may have moments of peace, but it will find me. It will disregard how much I strived toe owards a good thing and will claim me.

Chaos will leave. It will burn crops and salt the soil. It will embitter life and will destroy all hope. It will take what you love the most and will tear it apart in front of you. Chaos will leave you as sudden as it arrived.

My life is chaos. Regardless of what I want and what I deserve.

Chaos will always take.

Chaos is.