I have no idea why it looks this way, nor do I care.
Woke up an hour till noon. Slept a total of 9 hours for once. This honestly helps since I've been passing out at 4 am for the last week. I'm going to sneak a nap after a walk with the Short Blonde.
Not really all the way here. I'm not myself and I think that's good.
Realized several things in the last three sessions. Just going to machine gun then then look at them later.
*I'm my own worst enemy. No one else stacks since I'm the hardest on myself and I need to get "out of my head" before I can accomplish anything. It's a great filter considering what does pass is magnificent, but it's fuck all on my mind.
*I'm never dedicated to my own cause. Yours? Sure. A cause? I'll lift all banners. Me? Not ever worth the trouble. I honestly believe that I'm never worth the trouble.
*I'm carrying alot of other peoples' crazy. I'm dumping it as fast as I can, but it amazes me why I had it in the first place.
*Not only would I rather eat molten glass then talk about my pasts, but I would rather be shit faced drunk or numb then to speak about anything about it. Considering that I'm already emotionally numb when speaking or dealing with myself, I know that this is more then needed. I need to be because what little I shared had made people to run. Yea......I lived it and it scares you? Huh, wonder if this has something to do with my difficulty in finding true horror in my writing.
*I still hate orangutans. Always will.
*I'm starting to question my connections. Why are we friends? Are you just tolerating me? Am I worth the effort? Can I just disappear? Would it be better if I ration myself rather then be this open......I know, but I still think I'm wide open.
*The hard question in staring into the abyss is that I'm more it then it is me and I feel more at home with chaos considering it's my oxygen, I mean even to the point where my body does not know how to let go....I'm always on.....then, why am I trying to people when in truth I never was? I'm not people. I know that now. I still don't know what keeps me to go the full way or why I'm not a monster. Just don't want to be. I know it would be justified if I was that person and I know that chance of being one is always there, but.....no. I mean if I hold on to this small concept of my own humanity for some unknown reason, but I can't let it go even if it's as shredded as it was.
Why am I trying to people when people are the cause of everything?
*I don't trust you. Ever. You'd have to work so fucking hard to even have me consider you on my level, much less trusting.
Right?
I'm entertaining worse case scenarios. Going away. Starting a new life. Disappearing. Cutting myself off.
And knowing myself, I need to do the opposite as much as my feet dig in the dragging motion. I want to disappear, so I need to be social....yay......ick.......I'm forcing myself because I'm honestly too open right now and even now I'm only writing this because I need to make a record. I need to document this. I need this said so no one can say they never knew.
No, you need to know that much of only to realize no one cares, including me.
