Father's Day

It's Father's day.

And yet, it could be xmas and I could not care less.

I know I may disrupt the feel good feelings today as so many other mindlessly wish me and other men a Happy Father's day yet it honestly reminds me of Christmas in the sense that it almost seems forced and fake to me. I'm not one to blurt out a certified greeting and halfassed smile to show others that today was meant for them and that they should celebrate with a tie and cookie puss today or what ever the social obligation demand.

If anything I see this day as a cheep reminder that I'm not worth anything and that I should be happy I get any praise at all. It's not too long ago, at least in my mind, when I took the time to study what my children watched and realized that I'm not worth much in the eyes of society. Now mind you, I'm not going to link this up with the ill intentions of any media company or the such, but it seems to me that can't remember when I've seen a positive show on tv where the role of the father was not a bumbling idiot or the joke of the show. I can't remember any positive roles in movies that did not involve with a crotch shot or with dad doing something uncool or just turning out to keep a deep dark secret that just lead to destruction of the family.

If I think hard enough I can still remember how my children was taken to another state without any notice if not for my daughter's trademark oops moments. I remember how my wishes of having my children near meant nothing. I remember how I tried to contact Franklin county in order to get a firm address to send money to so that I wouldn't hear of my children starving or going without. I remember bitter moments where I would get sparse emails from them telling them I'm at fault for not sending money for warm coats or electricity as I look into their empty. warm room and wonder what rights I have.

In truth, my rights cost a bundle. It means paying lawyers specialized with my side of the issue and telling me that even if I do pony up a vulgar amount of money for their costly and valuable representation that simply being out of state, not a woman or not able to walk into a court room miles away that I will not get a second look from a judge who honestly believe that women are the best care takes and men are know to get drunk, have heavy ring hands, and are the ills of society. Technically, the whole purpose is to convince someone that I'm a human being and if lucky a good parent. Not great or the best choice cause that's nearly impossible.

I say it's nearly impossible cause some years ago a young woman drove with her children in her lap, raised hell drinking and feeding a voyeuristic public with crotch shots. Britney Spears basically proved a point that still resonates with me. It took the televised implosion of this woman to the point of Dr. Phil wanting to get a piece of the action along with LAPD, Fox news, and TMZ (what would we do without TMZ? Honestly, they made the concept of Big Brother fun and a joy to see and expose) to prove a simple point to me. This was the only way I was going to get my children. I would have to expose everything to the American Public. The abuse of my son, the deplorable conditions where they live in, the constant moving and the lack of personal responsibility.

It didn't matter that I've always woke up on my days with them and made them omelets. That I've bought them toys and clothes to send to their mother only to get the rags backs. Taken them to doctors at 3am when they could not breathe or would have seizures only to realize that they are malnourished. Spend summers feeding them and getting them healthy enough to only see them revert to their sad state after a week. To socially remind them that fighting over milk is a sin and that I will always get another gallon. The fridge would always be full and my heart willing to hold them until they tire of me.

It just seems vulgar.

In truth, being a father is the best part of me. To live and love for my children made me a stronger person overall. To understand that I am their example and teacher for many future interactions simply felt like a weight that needed to be lifted. It forced me to try to understand them. To know how children thought and to understand if I was asking more of them than reasonable possible. I learned to face my own weaknesses and fears in order to bring a calm that no one else could give them. To teach them that I will always be there and that If I had the situation that I had it and that it was no worries. To back them up when they needed me most and to aspire for my own life a great goal that would benefit them as well as myself.

And yet, Franklin county considers me a bad father for not supporting my children and having their mother go on public assistance. They consider me a monster for not caring for them regardless of three months of calling their offices and trying to see who I can send a check to. I still remember what the social worker told me. Those words still haunt me and taught me that my fight was not over, but the conditions have changed. Being told that I had to interest in their case and that I had no right to know where my children lived, their financial need, or their health from California to Ohio. They would contact me soon or four years later in the form of a demand to pay child support of $35,000 for the neglect and cruelty I've made them live without my support.

So no, I don't celebrate Father's Day.

There is nothing to celebrate about unless I carry a video camera or keep ever bit of kindness bestowed on my children like receipts to an audit.

And somehow, I'm happy. Since they can change the conditions of me being a "good father" I can change the conditions of "being happy" cause in the end, I don't give a fuck what they say. I love them with all my heart and they're the reason why I get up in the morning and the last thought on my mind.

A bit of Forward

I think this is the fifth time I deleted this. No matter what gets written I end up erasing it all as if I'm trying to warm up the nerve to remove so much clothing to awaiting eye of spectators once again. I'm not shy in the least unless I know what I do instead of merging with the moment so please allow me to remind you all of the 4th wall we share in order to bare what I can.

Rules are simple once again, since there are only three.

1. What ever is written here is not to be discussed in person. I compartmentalize myself very well and knowing who sees what will only inhibit me from cutting to the bone. Comment all you must, but we will not speak of this in person unless you wish me to become silent and gather wanderlust.

2. I see you as you honestly are and as who I am. There is not romantic inclination and yet no money being exchanged. I will shed morality, confidence and self doubt in order to chase that illusive that that always remains out of reach. You will remain in the shadows and watch. I do not mind the glow of a cigarette or low whispers from the gallery, yet I remove my mask on the satisfaction that I'm am the exhibitionist and you my devoted voyeuristic audience. I will accept applause when done or even beatnik snaps, but standing ovations will only lead out out and not to return.

3. This is my sanctuary. Here nothing is sacred and taboo. I will entertain all and judge nothing. If I stumble on a thought that will disturb as I am inclined to I will juggle what I can to get to the heart of the moment and cut to the bone in order to understand more of myself. If you are inclined you may also learn in the secondary and ponder what lies under your bed in order to chase out the monster that scared us as children. And yet, I will not allow you to sift your hands within the inner sanctums of my soul in order to use what you learn to gain influence, control or dominance over me. As I told others who have tried, I have hard streak of suicidal tendencies within me and I have no remorse or doubt in cutting off a limb to save myself. I will cut you out, remove your name and remove all humanity from your person. You will be nothing.

My last thought of you always will be that you were nothing.

Understand? Good. Then I feel safe enough to start again. After all, whats the point of balancing on the lines of pain and enlightenment if you don't have a safe word or mechanism. Sorry, not god from a box here and I do my own stunts.

So if you are ready and able, on with our show.