In the meantime....

Please forgive my lack of posting. I promise to share much with you as soon as we enter January.

And yes, I'm doing quite well. Almost a bit too well. Just have patience with me and I shall return to my exhibitionist tendencies.

Just stay tuned and I shall indulge you as always.....mayhaps a bit more.

December

December is a hard month for me.

It's a month filled with so much bad history. Most of the shit that has hit me the worse has come from December. It's a month that claimed the lives of several mentors as well as taken the lives of a few friends. It's a month that I had my worst moments in life and the echos never seem to diminish. It's a month where ghosts of my past become stronger and they have their moments until I am able to survive till January. It's a time where my survivor's guilt is heavy and I question the thoughts once more that plague me randomly and I try to find what is it that has changed. I now realize that all my good deeds I attempt to do and all the love and kindness I give is used to help me this month. It helps me convince myself that I am making a change in myself and in anyone I meet. That in the end there will be people who will out shout the people who will condemn me for something I was, I try never to be, and what I work so hard to make amends to.

Or perhaps that is all in my head?

It's a month where everyone you meet feign concern, love, peace and kindness in the approved manner of giving gifts that have cost them much to people they have very little concern for. It's a month where everyone places a farce of caring and giving while the rest of the year is spent taking away and "getting mine". It's a time where hypocrisy is thick and I'm simply not the right person to fake anything I do not have simply because it will ruin a fabricated and highly staged moment with people who honestly have not kindness and warm regards towards myself or others. As if some unspoken rule that states that one must speak of the dead with kindness and love instead of stating what they had built with their hands in the same manner I'm supposed to wish someone well for hell they had wroth the rest of the year.

Sorry, I am not able to lie very well nor do I want to learn how to correct that. So I'm simply not on for the hypocrisy. I am not happy this time nor do I carry great hopes. I may seem normal, but I am not one to suffer in public not in open. I shout for those who have no voice, not to complain for what ails me since I know too well others have suffered more and seem to move on well. And yet, not I. Why do I always return here? Why am I hardest on myself and why do not ask for sympathy nor kindness this month.

....


I thank you for your kindness. I honestly do. I simply can not break down as you would expect because I am always carrying weight that must be held up. I appreciate the distraction and the ability to mayhaps laugh as if I'm fine for the moment. It's a hard month and I do what I can to survive it. Thank you for caring and thank you for pulling me in when I struggle to be let go. I'm not doing well and that is all me. Not a reflection of the kind and loving people who try to reach me. I have a horrible feeling that I will affect you with the hell that I am afflicted with and that would horrify me, so I do not reach out to you. I simply suffer through in silence and call it my penance.

And yet I will ask for help in the meekest voice hoping you do not hear so that I can know that I at least tried in a manner that I can say was an attempt.......a horrible one that is more of an excuse, but I count it anyways.

I'm trying. I really am. I want you to know that. I have good days and I have bad ones. Every day is a battle. I just try to do good, be kind, and love as much as I am able to while keeping my distance. I'm not asking for help. I'm simply explaining myself if you seem me particularly distant and cold. It's never you. It's all in my head. My circle helps. Alot.

Ok......I have to find motivation to move. I'll talk to you later.

Promise.

Shower Epiphany: When sacrifices survive

I've finally found the root. The reason why I never trust people, keep my distance and I constantly ask, "why are we friends".

I finally understand. Why I feel disposable, worthless, and suicidal in the way where I don't care what comes to end rather than taking my own life. I know why I'm dangerous and why I would rather exist like this than to live. Why I really do not see my value as anything good and my only penance is to do something good every day and to learn something I didn't know every day.

Why I value others more than I will ever value myself. Why I laugh when other think I should be crying. Why I look over my shoulder, trust no one, know that I'm only as valuable as my usefulness and even that will go away. Why I push hard, break myself against the world and why I do not feel pain.

I don't think I will last too long if I keep this up. And so I'm trying to change. Never for my sake, but because I have a hunch people need me for a bit longer. To be honest, if it was up to me I'd would have left a long time ago. I'm just that fucking stubborn and it's what others would have wanted me to do.

So only on my terms. For now, only on my terms.

Please don't give me any more interventions or tell me how I matter to you. They're not helping. I have to work through this alone.

You can not save the dead. There is not purpose.

.....

Oh.....and I know YOU are reading this somehow.

I'm not going to help you.

If you want to "do that" to me, I'm going to fight you tooth and nail. I'm going to fight you until I can not fight anymore, even if it's what I want the most.

I'm not going to make it easy for you.

I hate you that much.

Shower Epiphany: A response to "there is no difference" or "there is only an illusion of choice"

People who usually say that "there is no real choice" in  regards to voting or other social activities that dictates over the lives of others are usually the people who do not benefit in the action or are not effected in any negative way. They are not to be trusted, especially in this regard. For the same people that speak about planed demise of democracy or the illusion of choice are the same people who would never understand how grave the consequences or the rewards that may affect and afflict people and do not suffer from socially constructed bias and privileges. So instead of asking them, "what do you have to lose" ask them "what is it that you do not gain?"

Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Twenty one: Plowed

I've been difficult getting to this point.

When something like this happens it takes all the momentum out of me leaving me the fetal as if the air has been knocked out. Social obligation is one thing, but add death into the situation and its twist of the knife that makes things worse. I've spent the entire week sitting and staring at the walls. I know I have so much to do now and the more I feel the pressure of what I need to do and the added pressure that this week has collected I can not help to not have the drive to do anything. These are the moments where I ball myself up and simply stop. Staring at the clock as the minutes tick away making the situation worse with everything that makes me viable screaming in my head to get up and get moving. Just watching minutes tick away as I sit and feel the pressure crush me slowly. Painfully, making everything worse than it can be all the while my mind screaming.

It's a feeling I would never wish on an enemy.

Will I wake up

Is it a dream I made up

No I guess it's reality

I've been trying to recover from the wake, funeral and the aftermath of my grandmother's death. I've stated already that I'm not only to handle death well. Much less social occasions that demand me to be passive and openly and completely friendly to people who in truth have nothing to offer outside of their own ideals of who things are and should be. Being placed in a room where everyone is grieving more than I could and telling me to be brave has not only made me doubt in my own human potential, something that is not very hard to do, but also made me a bit more of an outcast since I didn't throw myself on my grandmother's casket. I don't see a problem since my maternal unit was doing that to the point of Oscar nomination all the while I had to be retethered to her once more. So it's quite a scene that someone who is deeply reflecting the passing not only of their grandmother, a person who I used have all to myself until the birth of my cousins, but a sad and tragic reminder that we lost an entire generation now and we all have moved up to a certain position in the cue that we all will pass on one day.

Like I said, I don't do death well. I'm just lucky I didn't tell my maternal unit that we need her off the cross since that nice naked rabbi is complaining about him being upstaged. Being tossed into social even usually demand me to prepare for the moment ahead of time, collecting patience and solitude for the noisy event where many people would stare at me for just being involved. Here I was pretty much up front if not as the man who lost his loved one, but as the man who is pulled around by a screaming and emotional woman whose every other word was, "This is my son" between new dose of crying and torment. And that is just one relative.

In truth, we all have our different ways to deal with things and in truth I'm happy with mine....sort of. I need time alone in silent reflection. It's something that I need simply a moment of time and yet it's time that I don't get. I feel as if I am in the center of a chaotic universe where I have to spin plates or be that only power source to so many machines when all I want the most is to recharge. I've been doing that for the past 8 months now. Taking time to reflect, think and most importantly escape an environment that is in all way poisonous to me since I can not conform to the demanded and sanctioned behavior and if I'm not going to act that ways I am ostracized as much as a monkey in a zoo that is constantly on watch and pointed at. So I have to be vocal all the time, even if I want to be silent. I have to live in a whole where I have to mentally and intellectually shank or be mentally and intellectually shank, even if there is no need. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not a hostile person despite of how threatening I look from afar.

And in the end, that is what it's all about.

What will change us

Or will we mess up

Our only chance to connect

With a dream

I'll try to explain since most people do not understand the whole "worn battery" idea. Imagine you are cold and wet in a damp and dark cave. You are given wet matches and then told to your horror that you are in this cave with eight others. Three are already going to die from exhaustion, cold and plain misery. There is nothing you can do to stop that. What you can do is to light a fire to ensure that the remaining others will be warm and may be able to survive. So.....have at it!

It's what I've been trying to convey in a nut shell. Imagine already not being in a good position yourself and you have been deemed the last chance of others who are just as cold and miserable as you. Then you are told that despite your actions you are already failing and all you can do is to save the others with the limited and quite possibly ruined resources.

No pressure at all.

I'm buried by the sound

In a world of human

Wreckage

Yea.....that is my everyday. That is how I walk around constantly. I have a sense of dread that if I don't shove the evil at bay I will lose a day that is not only denied to many, but also is against me. Sad pat is I already knew where this comes from. My maternal unit lived a hard life. She took charge of her family at the age of 10 or so with the death of her father. Since then she had to raise and support her two other siblings and her ailing mother. That's already a shit situation, but add on abuse, horror of children raising each other, and the regular ordeals of what life can drop on you.

Mind you, I already come from a line of survivors. Both sides of the family, but my maternal unit's side is filled with dread, pessimism, and anger. Survivors are strong individuals who have been forced to sacrifice something dear to them in order to make it through and they are the best people to have when things go shitty. Survivors in fact thrive when things are shitty. And yet, that is their undoing. Survivors do not have the ability to live life. They can not move on. They are constantly in a state of post trauma that forces them to constantly crave chaos in order to continue in their existence. I'm not saying that they can not live a life. I'm saying that they lack hope that is needed to relax, close their eyes and know hell will not be back. They constantly know that hell is creeping up close and soon and ready to pounce. I've lived my 20's this way. This is why my battery is dying.

This is why I've pondered with taking my life. I could not see me struggling through an existence where this view was and always is guaranteed.

This is hell.

I'm lost and I'm found

And I can't touch the

Ground

So saying this much I've tried to see what is my own fears and what was given to me as fears. SO in separating fears from my own, shared and inherited I've come to realize that I've been living a role that I never wanted to live. A role where I am antisocial, withdrawn and never trusting of others. A role where the closest to me are always assumed that they will hurt me the most. Where I will  never have a private moment and where I close the blinds to the outside world. A life where I do things best on my own because I can only depend on my own limitations and abilities even if I am overwhelmed and failing. A life where I seek not enjoyment from drugs and alcohol, but numbness. A state where I can function my given duties handed  to me from others, know why I am of value to others from what I can do for them, and a constant pursuit not to worry what is going to get me next. Even my writing is my desperate attempt to document my struggle if only to demonstrate to others that I did not go down easy.

So to say that I want the ability to sit with another human being and interact with them in a manner that so many simply assume as normal. When strong enough I venture into crowds and busy gathering where I can feel lost and simply people watch or in small doses interact at limits. Moments where I do not desire sexual gratification from others but just a pleasant conversation. Where my fondest and tender moments where of me laying my head on a soft lap feeling that world can never harm me. Where a few drink of quality alcohol and a strong painkiller will numb me to the worry of where I am and who I am and actually give me small respite to simply be.

Yes, I have to drink to get there. Sadly it's not good for me nor am I able to get the same effect since my tolerance .....amazing.

And yet, I have this list of things. This hallowed and secret listing of goals and activities that I plan of doing one day as soon as I build up enough nerve and confidence that the sky will not fall, life does not need me to intervene, and the men in black will not swarm me from the shadows to take me away from the outside world permanently. Yea, I'm joking...kind of....and I'm making this funny....kind of, but my humor is powered by anger and worry and I know that if I don't make an attempt for something more I will become disattached once more and I will not care.  And once I don not care, I know my time is going to run out. So my entire motivation now is to change that behavior and make an attempt to live rather than survive.

Imagine that. A life without chaos.

To see wide open

With a head that's broken

Hang a life on a tragedy

And in doing so I've walked a dog religiously. That small act has done so much for me since it's enough demand on me while being light hearted. Animal have always offered a simple and kind view on what is and what is not. They like you or they do not. They show affection freely and make their needs simple and obvious. They do not plot and if they do it's on the level of a belly rub and another scrap from you plate. I don't fear them nor will I ever. In fact, I've passed by several along my walks only to wave at them is a manner as you would a person while diverting my gaze away from smiles and attention of people. And yet, I force myself into at least 5 minutes of small talk. I help another person out once a day minimum. I smile at someone once a day. I try to be people.

And yet.....I know deep down that I will never be people.

And yet, why not?

I've just started to crack my text book and yet I can not concentrate to even look at the book. I do not have the drive. I just sit here and somehow try to make myself.....will myself to move. To get going. To move. To get moving. If I stay still too long I'm just going to stay this way and I'm not going to do anything but sink. I need to get up. I need to move. I need my drive back I need to get up, face the fucking world one more time and shove it's stupid face back. I need to pay it back. I need to put the fear of me back into it and make it shudder the next time it can think it can pull this kind of crap on me and at this kind of time.

And slowly I start to giggle.

I told you I don't do death well.

Plow me under the ground

That covers the message

That is the seed

There was a time once where my tears flowed so easily and flowed heavy. There was a time where I realized that there was no way out. No way that I can find. The only way out was to expire and I was already on that road fast. There was a time where my heart hurt and screamed at the pain that I've endured. Some consider it my crucible moment. Others call it the moment I became the worlds biggest asshole. I see it as the moment where I cried my last. Where my face shown the cuts and bruises of another's anger and rage that I never caused and yet some how ended up inheriting it. A time where I grinned like a manic, self aware that nothing was right and yet powerless to do anything against it. Someone caught up in a loop of stupidity and suffering that only the sheltered and inexperienced can deserve. Some one with soft hands, feminine frame and a weak mind. Someone who was the butt of the joke, deserving of the mistreatment of the world, a shell of privileged brat who some how believe that from those he trusted that it was all the worlds method of correcting things.

It sucks being someone's sacrificial lamb, or scapegoat more like it. To hold their anger and fears for everything that others have wroth upon them on the scarred skin that he now carries. A gimp knee that reminds him of what a delusional view of loyalty and love can cause. What a great sense of guilt can permit. Tears flowed and a mind that begged the havens for the aid that many claimed and yet never had come. I've cried so many tears that I had no sense of shame from the constant ridicule and mockery that I somehow believed was mine by right.

And yet, in my worst moment I finally understood. It all hit me and it made me realize that even if made to suffer there is a way to taint the victory. To spoil the spoils and make others pay even when you have lost. In that moment I realize that while there is a Stockholm syndrome there is also an opposite mind set where no matter what is tossed upon you there is a way to steal that sweetness of suffering from your tormentors. If their motives is to make you suffer you deny them. You take that away. You declare it mute and you reverse it. You put the fear back into them that they finally pushed you too fucking far. And so, I started to giggle.

Get hit, giggle. Mocked, giggle. Called worthless, giggle. Spit on, giggle. Kicked around and bleeding from the mouth, giggle. You will not take another tear from me. You will not make me cry. You will not make me weep or morn or fall into sorrow. Giggling is empowering. It's the last thing that you expect to hear in the worst situation and yet I learn to giggle. Moments where I wanted to lament I used that anger and twisted it. I drove that pain inward and make it my fuel. I started to grin not to show happiness, but to show promise of  what I will return and what I will do to make things even. I would not get mad, I would put fear into people. I would scare them by not feeling anything they unleashed and yet once pushed too far, I giggle.

 After a time I pushed my body to endure pain. Pain is.....delicious after a while. Its fuel. It adds into my drive and makes me understand that things will happen soon. I will turn the tables and chase people away with their own fear. I will make them wonder if I am behind them and use their sense of fear to instill guilt. My face would be that reminder. That scar....those scars would remind me. That knee that would force me to walk with a cane at a slow pace and yet that drive to shove past anything.....everything that is dumped on me. No one believe I can push through? No one is willing to believe in and and have placed bets against me? Good. Do it. Give me that anger, hatred, and pain. Think I can't take it? I thrive on it. Survivors have a sick way of thriving on shit and strutting through hell. Survivors grin and make others smile and take photos and share their suffering in a sad attempt to feel better about their own lives and to say good thing it happened to them and not me. Other say stupid shit like, I could not live if THAT happened to me....in your face....after you lived it.

Pain is yummy.

And yet, survivors can not live. They must survive in that hell to continue as fish would to water. Peace and an enduring sense of enthalpy frightens us and makes us wait for that shit to hit the fan and lose time and life waiting for it to hit again and again and again. We don't live. We survive in the worse situations. We thrive in them. And me thriving was turning my tears into giggles. And with that I giggle. Not an acceptable behavior, but when have life ever been acceptable to me? Anything to shrug off the hell and start moving so that I can roll with the punches. Anything so that I can start moving.

But I'm not moving. I'm still. I'm staring at the clock and still. I'm letting time bleed on and I have to move. And so I start to drag my stupid as on a run. A long one with hills up and down. Something that will shock me and force me to keep moving. Something that will make my entire body hurt from the inactivity of close to a month. Something to make me feel pain. I need that pain to hurt. As much as I wanted that sense of numbing when I wanted to live I need to feel that pain.

I need to giggle.

And so, I've been giggling here and there. I've been forcing myself to move. Move or die. It's as evolutionary as I can get.

Get your worthless ass up and get moving. You have the world to deal with.

And so, I'm almost there. I'm almost there and giggling.

Just don't ask me how I'm making myself to giggle.

I'm plowed into the sound

Shower Epiphany: Faith

So that whole one eyed girl being made fun of because it's ungodly story is a hoax. And I laughed. I know I was asked a while ago why I don't have any faith to which I responded by saying I do have faith. I have faith in people.

I believe in people automatically and believe they have no ulterior motive in deception or benefit in manipulating me. I will believe that people are overall good even though there are some individuals that ruin things for others just as there are groups of people who do the say, regardless if they have the best intentions or not. I have faith that people simply want to do what is right and I have faith in us in a species even though we have our odd prejudices and quirks that we can not shake nor in some cases would want to.

I have faith that once I gather all the inner resolution to speak to another human being that I will make a kind connection. If I am stood up, I believe I may have errored then to place blame with someone else. I think that if I harmed another human being that I can bed for forgiveness and ask to make amends because I to fall asleep knowing I harmed no one. I believe that there are great people who I adore and love and that I might have some hang ups that make things worse off and I am willing to work on them in order to make me a bit kinder. I believe that everyone has a story to be heard, knowledge that I do not have, and value in their smile. I have faith that we will all do better even though sometimes I'm sadden by acts of stupidity and callousness.

I have faith in all of this because I need faith in us. I can not and could not live on my own. I am not an island and I could not survive with out people, even if I tried my best to do so. I need to believe this since I have no proof in all of this until I have overcome my antisocial means and made a timid step towards humanity, even if it's to ask for the salt. I have to have faith that, yes I did run into some people that are made of suck and yes I've been mistreated by a good amount of them, but that is not everyone. That  I can not worry if I am being lied to. That they might just feel the same as I do. That if I try my best and reach out I will not be shut out or ridiculed. That others actually want to hear from me, want something to do with me, and that I actually have something of value to them that they will not try to fuck over in the end.

I have faith in other people and that scares me because I wish I had knowledge in them rather than faith. That every person is different like chocolate in the box and I have to see if we connect on that basic level that fightens me so at time I have to simply try them and see. Some people will not see my heart filled and fragile attempt. Some will just ignore my rare act of connection. Some might treat me rougher than others. Some might see me the same as spider does to fly, but I have to at least try even if I know what is going to happen. So I can not have more than faith in people until I make an attempt to find out. I think this scares me the most. Almost makes me with never to know and to simply think they're cooler and kinder than they really are and stay away.

I have to have faith that I can do all this and I can have faith in my attempt to be "people" even though I know I have so much trouble with it. I can only have faith.

So....yea. My bad on that bogus story. The things we learn, huh?

I also have to have faith that it's ok to be wrong.

So......yea.

Shower Epiphany:I'm trying to turn my mood around.

Ok, just a warning. I'm trying my best to turn my mood around. 

I'm not me yet and I'm not ok so far. I'm just caught in some heavy thoughts that has me questioning more. Funny, I thought I would be good by now, but so far it looks like a long process and I really don't have any bloody patience or at least right now. I know people say I need to bring others into the Circle. I'm listening and I have tried in my weak and not really trying attempt. It's almost on the level of having those who fear clowns sit with Bozo. That and I don't want to be the kind of person who "pops" people like others pop pills. I'm not that kind of person. I know people bring happiness, but I don't want to be that one kind of person who goes through people for the moment of happy only to toss them aside. I am happy without and I like to keep it that way. I'm really not that outgoing since I've always said that Hell is other people and I had more than my share of Hell.

Ha....remind me of the gynecologist who isn't frisky with the wife. HA.....yea...it's kind of like that. I don't have the best filter and in truth all my hunches are .....meh. So please forgive me for not making everyone my "bff". I know I can be an awesome friend. I don't say that out of arrogance. I say it because I have been in to many situations where I had the smallest end of the stick if any. I'm not that trusting and I really don't see why I must be. I value honesty, kindness, and humor and sad to say I am not getting that from many people. Everyone has their agenda and where I would fit perfectly and I would rather walk away than to be type cast in any way.

SO yea, I'm busy trying to get rid of people than make bonds with new ones. those who can take a year or two of me trying to get rid of them usually are the ones I keep for life. No bullshit. I'm not looking for someone to complete me or for me to make their life sparkle. I'm looking for people who can sit and stare at the sun rise and set without saying anything to me because we have already said more than enough.

So yea. I don't want my life dictated by others. I want to give when I can and feel safe. And if I get up and leave I will know the door isn't locked behind me at all. In fact the closest people to me let me come back and it's as if we never parted.

Hmmm.....none of this makes sense. None of this. Whatever.

I'm not the friendliest person around. I'm.....not me right now. I'm .....kind of messed up. And when I'm like this I don't pull people in. I shove them away. I need people to know that if I am distant I'm doing this because I see myself "infected" and trying not to infect others. I don't want my shit to affect others. It's the nicest thing I can ever do for people. Keep them away from my worries and fears. So...yea. Sorry I guess. I like you and all, but you will probably think of me as an asshole, rude and distant. So.....yea....at this point I don't care if that's how I seem.

So....just a warning.I'm trying to turn my mood around.

If we can steal a moment to have a small talk?

I'm going to say a few things here.

I'm going to say a few things here since in all honesty I am hoping that you are reading this. Yes, I mean you. I had made a list of people who I honestly want to read this because the comes a time when we must make a parting of ways and we need to hit that one moment where we test our metal, do our acid test, and see what is and what is not. I am writing to you because I want to speak to you about this week and how everything seem to have reach one point in my life where no matter what everything has come to a single point of meaning. A single moment where everything that I am of worth has been tabulated to a small series of information that I honestly feel I need to say for fear of never taking another breath. 

What I am saying to you is that there is a change in everything and it's completely different from the other points in my life where life has taken a sharp turn and had forced me to end a life and to begin a new one. I say this as a man who has lived lived roles that at that moment seemed to not only be endless, but seem to have dictate who I was and what purpose I served. For all this I can say that this moment is completely different since situation dictated action just as a fire would dictate you leaving for your own safety or you fall within the walls of flames and end you point then and there. 

Here it's completely the opposite. Here my long analyzed and long pondered action has arrived at situation. I have arrived at a point where within the confine of time and space, I have finally realized that I've answered the question that has caused me me to search and question the root of the universe to the tips of my fingers as I wonder who I am and what value I am to you.

You have been there, some of you I've asked this question to in a point where I first lost control of my life and I wanted to know if my continued existence made any value of change in the lives who I've felt have made in mine. There is the moment where I realize that I have lost grip on what I considered as real and what I perceived as reality. and only a matter of minutes I've come to the conclusion where my question has already been answered without any answer provided by you or any answer you can provide. I have in truth, awakened to a moment where I've come to realize that I have been asleep in a final aspect and come to realize that all my efforts have bore fruit. Here I've come to realize that not only have my desperate act of change that has taken place with the death of another mentor, but in truth has freed me in a manner of speech. 

And so, I'm going to tell you how it all made sense of me and simply hope that words do not fail me as well as my mind loosens to the noose that binds me from baring my soul to you in an act of openness and trust. A moment of trust that is not only rare for me, but I've finally realize that nothing.....nothing at all can hurt me. I want to share with you what I have accomplished, what I struggle, and what I eye as my final windmills before I can say I am whole and one.

1. I love you. With my very being. I have always loved you before I have ever met you. I have loved you in a way that I see you and see the perfection in humanity's promise and how the magnificence of our struggle in such a small moment of time leads us to err, struggle and to commit folly. I love you for your weaknesses, flaws, and inability to understand. I love you simply because we are all attempting to find what makes us Us and in some matter of time we have been given we desperately attempt to make things what we can do and hope it's best. And so I love you for not who you are only, but who you are attempting to become even if you can not achieve it. I don't care, I love you. Some I have physically loved, others I have shown affection and those of you I will never meet, but want you to know you are loved by me and no matter where you go or what may become of you, I love you and I will never stop loving you. This is who I am. It's who I am in nature and it's what was robbed from me by those who sadly beg my forgiveness time and time again never knowing that I can not forgive anyone who can not forgive themselves and that I do not hold any such remedy within me. I can only love you even if it hurts me. That is not my lot in life. I can only love you or love you at a safe distance. You are going to be loved. The only difference is that I am going to attempt to survive your interaction. It's my nature to love unconditionally. Not to be safe. 

2. Understanding that I love you, I've also come to an understanding. I can not love you if I am biased and I have been due to the act of maturing. In my time alive I have not only gained a bias, but I come to realize that I have gained this bias that is not mine and never was mine. Throughout my time, I've developed the ability to absorb the fears and worries in my life that were not my own and that many times of others. These worries have not only burdened me but have forced me to question that I can not follow my nature at the same time carry biases that is not my own. I had spent 10 years tracing them and discovered that I have pulled these fears from others who in their own fear had given me their worries and their anxiety where I could not understand where someone would hurt me, or betray me, or even take an action that has never happened nor did I ever understand was not my own until now.In the matter or a few months I've realized that I have limited my fears to what are now my own and have shrugged off what isn't my own. I now wrestle with what is mine and I have walked away from the others as one would drop an unimportant item from their tightly gripped hands. And so I will share with you my fears:

• I fear not being loved, but in truth it's not right. I fear not having my love accepted. I now understand that if I give love freely it isn't mattered if it is not accepted nor returned. I only wish to commit acts of love and kindness that shows that I give the best of who I am willingly, shamelessly, and without fear of reprisal nor appraised value. I do have my moment where I will receded within and hide, but sooner or later I will build my strength to simply give. I will not care who accepts nor I ever take account to it. I will give and give as much as possible until I am not able to again. 
• I feared that I lacked something within me to make me brave. I am for many reasons scared and yet it has take me years to discover that this fear is not only my own, but fostered by those who live within their own fear and have given all rights to it. No see that people are ruled prominently by some fear and they will not let it go for what ever imagined worse case that holds them hostage. Their actions and thoughts revolve around this until I realize that I can not declare their freedom as much as blind can not see their own blindness for what it is, a small limitation. I do not want to be ruled by my fear nor allow those who do living within their confides to make this fear worse. So I acknowledge my fear and will fight it. There will be days I shall triumph and I shall bask in the glory of overcoming difficulty. There will also be days I an forced back from any progress and I will simply bolster my attempts once more and rally my efforts once more. I am not brave all the time, but I am stubborn and I refuse to be ruled by anything and anyone, despite how I may see it or not.
• I fear how I am because I have a low sense of value to my person. As great as it is to be humbled, if I do not learn to bask in the sun I will never teach others to do so either. It's something that makes me know that I am ugly, stupid, slow, lazy, and simply not worth the time of others. And yet, I've learned from fact and lesson that the value of something is dropped only to manipulate it and to take full hold of it's inner value in order to control it for their whims. SO, I shall never be worth more than what I am, but I am also going to value myself for who I am since I know that I carry those around me who have much to gain for me continuing to believe in my lesser being. This has to end if only to show others that everyone is worth the trouble and effort. Even me.
• I fear that I will fail others and disappoint them. I've learned wrongfully that I am only valued by what I can do for others. And as much as I love to give, I am in no way happy with being used. I am in now way joyed for being used as a whore , or item, or shown as disposable. I will raise those up and above me for an ideal that greatness means raising other above myself, yet I now refuse to carry anyone else's banners and fight in their frays. I will back someone up. I will rally them and assist them in what they need, but I am not their savior nor would want to be. I will help whoever asks me, but the moment I feel that I am a laborer rather than a companion, then I am out. 
• I have trust issues. I have been fucked over many times and left for dead. Literally. I have been hurt and mistreated and only now I realize that I have issues with trust. Not just because I don't offer it, but because when I do in the end I am the one left alone and left unguarded. I look after others more than they have ever looked after me. I am shy, recluse and distant because it. I have been hurt in every way. I had shared stories that made others cry and in truth I never tell because they simply stop seeing me as someone who needs a bit of kindness and love and someone who is broken, garbage, not worth the trouble. And yet there are others who dive from so far to pick me up to be near them. There are those who beg me to go to them to see them once more. I have people who search me out, ask for forgiveness, and even those who have realized that I WAS the best thing in their life. I don't toot horns nor do I brag, but I have been good for many people just as some of you have been wonderful to me. And I struggle to trust, but sadly I can not. So my only solution is the trust fall paradox. I will simply fall and know I will fall hard. I will brace for my mistreatment and hurt. *sad smile* I will know when I'm getting fucked over and still walk through it if only to provide a lesson for a future time. I will cry my eyes out. And yes, I do. Just not in visible light. And I will move on. And sadly one day people will seek me out and ask for forgiveness or they will not. It does not matter. I just know they realize that I am more reasonable that I look, I do not yell or harm others, and I only want to work at something to make it stronger even if the solution is to say good bye. And yet, I know it's only a matter of time because it will happen to me. It's my only way I can mimic trust and know people I love will hurt me. It's just how it is and it will always be that way.
• Lastly, I'm afraid to be alone and I fear isolation. I have always been the odd one out and am comfortable, but I have been isolated from so many for many reasons that I simply isolate myself than to deal with the issue of being toss aside. You can not throw away what is already trashed. And so, I have to treat my time as valuable as it is and more. I am not going to put myself out there simply because I care for someone more than they will ever care for me or even value my effort. Those days are over. I have also realize that I will change any monetary fee for my time, not because my time is worth money, but because people do not understand that I see my time and my time with them as precious and if no one realize it I will take that monetary payment from them or simply no allow my time to be squandered. As I said, I love you, but I am not going to be abused for it. I will simply love you from a safer distance. 

3. I acknowledge that there is no set in how things must be done and every person has their own experience and understanding on how they see moment in life. I know that now, yet I hope never to force my own experience as dogma as well as hope other's do not do so either. As much as I appreciate dialogue and exchange of ideas I refuse to be told what is right and what is wrong as well as what I can and can not do. That ends now and is never going to happen. I love you all, but no one tells me what to do. You can challenge my thoughts and sway my idea on way or anther, but if you assume that you have the solution and there is not means of a different answer or means of arriving at the same conclusion then I apologize for wasting you time and I shall be on my way, once again, to a safe distance.

4. In understanding all that had transpired and how my life had changed with a new clarity of what I worked so hard to make things right I understand that now is the moment. I act now and say what is on my mind now. I may take time to reflect, but if I tell you something that you can not accept that is not on me, especially if I had spent the matter of time to ponder my action, motive, worth, my hopes, my meaning and purpose, and my goal to say what I say. If I say something from now on I will simply say it and move on. If others can not deal with my response it's not on me. I do not say things to harm others nor would I want to manipulate them to abuse nor to gain some favor while causing harm. If any such results may happen I always apologize and I always attempt to right what wrong that is committed. I have already shown many around me that I do not act to hurt nor abuse others and it's not my nature to do so. So I am already on my own case. IF you have issue then I apologize and will suggest that you deal with your own reactions and reasoning for assuming I would do you harm. Sorry, I know there is asshole and know first hand that they have hurt me in ways that I attempt to move on and do with is able to be done. I am not them. I don't want to hurt anyone and I would rather leave anyone's presence than to be placed as a threat or harming factor.  Perhaps one day you can realize that I mean no harm. I'm not going to hold any breath not any hurt feelings for anyone thinking so. I want to love others and give the best of me and move on. I'm not waiting on anyone. Time is limited and I realize now that I could have been at this point in my life rather than the hellish existence I had lived before. 

5. I want you to ask yourself a question. I want you to ask it if I never mentioned it to you or ponder it once more if I already said it to you because it still stands. The question is, why are we friends? I want an answer. Maybe not here, but I want to know. Why is this?  Why do I attempt to fight the world for when it takes me so far away from you only to struggle back near you once more. Why are we friends? What do I offer you? Is there anything I offer you? Is that unique? Is it valuable? Do you have that with others? Why is it important? Why am I asking you this? Why would I ever ask you this? Why do you think I want you to think on this? Why would I take the time and mention it in the first place? Why? 

....just a few questions I ask every moment when we are or are not near. OR if I never met you what I will question myself on. I do it. Can you?

And so I am going to say that is that and turn in. I hope this settles some things and help you understand that I have spent the last 9 months now not only trying to understand why I should be alive, but in truth why I should not take my life.

And now a loaded question, did you know I was going to take my life this year?

......

So, yes. I've been fighting for my life. Some years now, but especially now. I've come to realize that if I do not take some action I am not going to exist anymore. So.....what did I have to lose outside of the desire to live? So I put everything up to ante and I wanted to know why I wanted to live. I answered those hard questions and I realize that I didn't want to live like I have been and so, with the help of friends who didn't know my means and motives I fought for my life and......I'm doing better. I have hard days. I have easy ones. I have days where my fears are rampant and I have days where nothing pulls me down. I have moments where I lay and wonder where I made my mistakes and I have moments that I have to scream from the mountain tops and I arrive at an easy answer. 

Regardless if I do live or die, I refuse to go quiet. I'm not going down silent. I am going to scream all the way down and see who pulls me back out. And few of you who were or were not paying attention grabbed on. 

Thank you.

So.....yea.

Thank you.

I would have left, just like others without you even wondering why I left or much less why I left.

But I'm just one who was pulled back.

And so just to drive home the point.

Do you know anyone one else is planning the same?

How do you know?

Do you really?

Just a parting thought. You honestly think you have time. Live for now and remind others how you feel. All we have left in the world in our worse are our memories.

Good night. 

I love you.

Shower Epiphany: I don't do Death well.

I don't do death well. 

In fact, I do my best to avoid it completely. I know I'm trying to keep some amount of humor, but it's more like masqueraded anger as Stephen King once wrote. I'm not a death person. I'm not one to take in the ceremony of death outside of the Day of the Dead and that is more of a personal moment rather than a public one. I'm honestly dreading the viewing and the funeral with all my being. 

I've avoided many funerals and any time it comes to a family funeral I have to get into a brilliant fight just to plead my case on how I can not show up. I in truth have no voice. My view that I do not want to be in a crowded room is not viable. My avoidance of large crowds and my FEAR of being confined in a small space with so many people TERRIFIES me. I do not do large groups, much less LARGE GROUPS IN SMALL PLACES.  I will panic. I will pace. And I will run away until I feel whole enough to come back. That enough is plenty of a mindfuck for me. That is more than enough.

Now, add the fact that I have to sit in that crowded room SURROUNDED by others. SURROUNDED and IN ONE PLACE. SURROUNDED and IN ONE PLACE and SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW A CERTAIN EMOTIONAL and SANCTIONED BEHAVIOR OF OUTWARD SADNESS as THIS LARGE CROWD DESCENDS UPON YOU AND JUDGES YOU OF HOW SAD YOU SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT BE.

....yea. I'm not like this. I'm not like that at all.

Now add the fact that certain family members just THRIVE ON EMOTIONAL CHAOS AS IF IT WAS CANDY TO A CHRONIC, TOOTHLESS DIABETIC and now you realize that I am going into a personal hell where I either be the good son and SWALLOW all that in while SCREAMING  INSIDE or I can be a COMPLETE ASSHOLE and ASK FOR A MOMENT  ALONE as I walk outside only to be targeted by WELL MEANING AND OVERTLY KIND PEOPLE WHO DOCTRINE OF BELIEF IS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER when in truth it's to site my emotional turmoil. 

Yea.....there is not option in not going. There is not option in that I have a viable physiological and physiological reason why I FREAK THE FUCK OUT! So no. There is no option out. 

Yes, I will be carrying a big flask. Yes, I will be on gin since I'm protesting Russian cruelty and not having vodka. And yes, I have snatched a few painkillers and will be seeking to numb the fuck out of me as people surround me and tell me how sad they are as try to incite horrible and screaming emotional pain from my family when I want to do is to have a small and isolated ceremony with select others who we knew and trust. But hey! PHOTOS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. LOL LOL LOL! DEAR FACEBOOKS I AM BE AT FUNERAL. YOLO! LOL LOL!

......ick. Yes, I am a cold bastard. I am a stone cold talk my way in and talk my way out cold bastard. And this stone cold bastard is going to be drunk and inebriated while I sit there, hold my family and let them morn and cry to their hearts content because hey, I have to and I am needed. 

Yea, I know. I'm a horrible person. 

I don't do death well. 

Shower Epiphany: Sympathy for the Cold Bastard.

Ok....this is me taking a moment to deal with this since I'm trying.......trying.....words fail me at what I am trying to convey here on the level of how much I AM TRYING to be a different person, a new more open person because if I kept this up I would have been gone a few months ago, so try to understand I'm trying on a level of a man fighting for his life. Seriously, I want you to take the value of what I am saying here now. If you have spent any time with me this year you know I'm doing everything in my ability to change who I am because I'm at the end of what I am now.

And it's killing me.

Are you getting the fucking clue how I am trying?

I still doubt you.

That does not matter and somehow it never did. What I want to say at this moment does. So those of you trying your best to figure me out will get one. That's right, one. Call it 11/12/13. Call it losing my grandmother. Call it that I've been cornered by my 12th, yes I counted person who if showing their sympathies by touching me and still wondering what's wrong with me.

And yet it's because I'm going to respond to one statement.

"You're a cold person."

I'm not going to tell you who said it. That's not important. I'm just going to respond since normally I would just keep keeping on and keep moving. I'm going to do something not me and tell you what I'm dealing with and how it's messing with me and I'm even going to tell you what's my natural response.

Yes, I'm a cold person. I'm a very cold person. If you knew me 20 years ago or so you would find another person. I would be bawling and crying my eyes. The difference from him and me is 20 years of hard life to one lesson which I taught my children and still teach others. You can cry your eyes out. You can fall apart and just drop to the ground and scream at the heavens until you are horse and your eyes are red and painful, but you have to at one point or another have to get up and keep moving. That is the solution to moving on. The only difference here is you can do it with red, tired eyes or you can do it without them. I choose not to cry. I know this is not good. I haven't come to terms with her death yet and I don't know how.

My natural sense if to keep busy and move on. My learned behavior is to move on and start damage control and to keep moving. It has been at least my mother's 6th time crying today and I have yet to shed one tear. In the end of this week I have to go to a wake, a funeral, and speak for my family oh her behalf. I know what I am going to say in the way where words will simply be there and I will just go with a flow of a mind that never rests. It's what I do. I'm used to this more than I am used to anything else. It's life. It's my experience. It's what I'm used to simply because I was third born, but only one to survive.

I'm a survivor after all. It's what I do. And yet I know it's killing me.

And yet, even the devil gets sympathy so why not I?

When there comes a time I will finally sit down and let go of everything, but as I write this now that will not happen until January is here. I'm a distant person because regardless of choice or not I do not have to ability to break down. The moment I do everything hits a screeching halt. I have to keep things moving. I have to keep the pace and even threaten the minister holding services that I am going to beat the living shit out of him/her if they decide to make this a crying session. My family have cried enough. It's time they have peace. And to have that peace some people have to be that one person to carry that weight.

That's me. If I don't everything goes to hell. Quickly.

So, no I'm not going to join in and cry and morn and suffer. I'm going to carry my burden and everyone elses burden until I can't anymore. That is what is killing me. My whole attempt this year has been to leave what is not mine, own up to my own crazy and to somehow figure out how I continue with life at that point. I know I promised alot of you people that I would take things to my grave, but I never promised to die for your secrets.

I know some of you have tried to somehow reach me as some would. I'm sorry I have not fallen into your arms and cried my eyes out. The last time I have ever done that was almost 10 years ago and I realize it does not help. I don't ask for others to carry my weight or carry my cross. That's not going to happen. There have been women who have know me for years and they still have to have me show certain acts of trust that most have a long checklist for. Not going to happen. The last real relationship I was in she started to understand just a bit I was going through after months of trying to convince me that I should "let her in".

Sorry, but at this point I realize that letting anyone in means they are going to be leaving soon. Just how it is. So no, we are not going to have those moments like in Good Will Hunting or in the end of the Godfather. I'm not going to fall into your arms. I'm not going to share some dark secret that you think I have or that I am keeping you from knowing. I'm not going to tell you why I can't sleep at night, what scares me so much, how I almost lost my mind, or the dark creature that lives in my cellar that  I must ...feed.....time to time. Nope, not going to happen. I'm going to carry this weight and I'm going to die with it.

So no, I'm not going to let you in and "save me".

That's just beyond fucking stupid.

I will tell you what I will do.

I will have cocoa with you. I will ask you about your day. I will help you do your laundry  and if you are lucky I will show you what I can do with a black bra to make you laugh so hard that you forget that you are "trying to save me". I will have a drink with you. I will talk about your problems, figure out if they are into you, and even help you understand the difference between teasing and tempting.

If you REALLY want to make me happy you can make me laugh. You can act as is life is still normal because it's not for me. I crave normalcy and boredom. Hand me cookie or treat me to a happy moment where cookies will be there. I am looking for a happy silent moment because those are the moments that I live for. so instead of making me break down give me a moment to feel normal. Or just hang out. Go fig, no?

So no, I'm not breaking down. I'm not going to fall into anyone's arms and feel that I need someone to lean on. I am cold if this is your definition of me feeling better. I will enjoy a moment of your precious time and will cross hell and back if you can make me feel.....normal.

So that said, stop trying to make me cry, fuckers! I don't work that way! If you're luck I might share with you something if you stop making try to share.

Geesh....now if you will excuse me I'm going to drink sake until I pass out.

Upon the passing of my Grandmother

Just spoke to my father. Grandmother just died. He didn't go into details.

Damage control time I guess.

Mind you this is shock and I'm running on experience, not sanity.

She was 84 years old. When she started her time in the hospital she was 79. Since then she lost alot of weight and was extremely healthy for a woman with Parkinson's. She was doing so well that she got off her diabetic meds and was reduced for her Parkinson's also. She was always lucid as well as busy. She lived through alot of hardships and was always kind and loving. 

My favorite memory is that she grew up Catholic and always had a rosary in her hands and constantly prayed with it until my Uncle found God in another denomination and it would be embarrassing for her to continue to pray one manner in another's House. She told me that she is supportive, but not stupid with a sly look. She said that she still prays without them. She just "counts" with her fingers using her knuckles.She said that God didn't mind. "He know where I am and what I'm up to." 

My response also tickled her. In semi shock I said, "Grandma, you're an ass. Is this where I get it?" Her response was "Honey you have plenty of that from both sides."

HA! She lived well. When they noticed that her kidneys failed and dialysis was not working they asked her if she understood and she let them know that she fought enough. Even in her last moments the staff thought of her as kindhearted. Oddly enough a Priest came down to see her and give her last rights. I'm surprised they let him by, but I guess he has been visiting lately and that made her cheer up a bit. She gave her love to those present and let them know she was ready.

They gave her a strong does of morphine and allowed her heart to stop beating. She passed peacefully and calmly at 3 pm yesterday afternoon. So, yea.......good life.

Sorry good people. I'm ok really, but I don't do death well. I'm not bawling or in the corner in the fetal. I'm a bit jaded with death over all. Death happens. In my situation it happens alot, but it does take an effect with me In this situation is was not dying, but it is a celebration of a good life. I have more of an issue with people passing quickly or traumatically. I knew my grandmother's time was close years ago and I did what I could to take advantage of it. It's the reason I have no issues spoiling small animals or certain people. It's why I don't attempt to carry grudges or simply learn to live with them wishing assholes well. Life is precious when you have it and when you don't you are going to be missed. The best you can do is leave people with good memories while you can. Sadly, I can equate death in a simple statement while being silly and stupid at once.

"The worse part about being dead is that you are not alive anymore."

I know I have issues, but I'm still kind of happy since it still takes something from me. I met a few people who it does not bother. Those fuckers scare me.

So I'm ok. I might have a little more alone time, but I'm ok. Life is good and this was a life well lived with all opportunity. I can only hope we all do the same.

Shower Epiphany: Don't be an Intellectual Coward: An argument in leaving behind the word "but"

Am I the only one who as soon as I hear the word "but" I'm think, "oh here it comes. Here comes the shit." I've come to realize that the word "But" is a cowardly and sneaky way of making a weak stand on a point why somehow stating a previous point that is either understood as the norm or as accepted then adding in almost crafty, like an assassin who drops arsenic into a drink drop by drop in a cowardly.....damn I can't think of a worse word than cowardly.....manner in hopes of poisoning that reason. Mind you it can be done for right or wrong such as...

I'm not racist BUT all black people need to take the bone from their nose and go back to Africa.

Compared to

That lynching sounds like fun BUT perhaps we don't kill and maim other people due to some primitive and assigning reason?

See....cowardly.

I would rather see. "I'm a racist AND you people are garbage"

Boom! That is a statement. And so much pride! You mean what you just said. You came out and fought for your thought rather some passive bitch way of sneaking past moral insult as if that is the main problem here. I can respect that. Fine. You are a racist. I can respect you, even if you are a piece of shit. See? My statement works too! I didn't say, I can respect you, BUT you are a piece of shit. That inclines that I lied or am dishonest about my thoughts. Here I say, I respect you, you piece of shit!

Seriously people. Free yourself from the shackles of BUT! Free you mind and stand tall on you thought's merit and be brave to say what you mean without being an intellectual coward.....see....coward just works so well.

20 Reasons why I would do better as an Animated Character on TV.

1. I always seem to wear the same outfit and still look good in it.
2. I would get to see more people but for only one half hour per week.
3. Things I say always seem to end up on t shirts anyways.
4. Using my life as inspiration you can use it for materials for years or just call it a reality show.
5. I do well with sidekicks, including children, animals, imaginary people, beer drinking and cursing robots and alter egos.
6. My catch phrases are already being shared with others.
7. Some of my stories would be easier to animate considering the legality, audacity, and the WTF factor.
8. I can finally achieve Perfect Hair Forever
9. Who would not enjoy me beating the shit out of Cookie Monster and Orangutans? That's right, no one!
10. Considering that animated alcohol is cheap, you CAN pay me in my own weight.
11. Who else will grab on to that Futurama money? Tosh? That bitch can barely keep people from punking his ass.
12. Guest stars we want to see like Marilyn Manson, Bruce Lee, and Richard Dawkins.
13. Every week we have a segment of People who are stupider than a box of rocks.
14. It would be decently animated despite of drinking most of the money.
15. Fuck that secret word shit......Weekly Drinking game!
16. Weekly segment: Weird Shit Japan is into!
17. Instead of commercials, Adult Film Stars and "dancers" in a comfy chair reading from Classic Literature. You have never heard Carmen Electra read Little Women before.
18. Mythbusters approved physics with explosions
19. A moral lesson and an ending thought from the Archive of Shower Epiphany.
20. Once again, me beating the shit out of Orangutans.

Adult Swim and Comedy Central......I await your call.

Shower Epiphany: Two steps Back or Why People Suck

Yea......I'm not doing well right now.

I think I need some time alone. I'm not in a serious mood or have to have an intervention, but times like these I have to depend on those I trust most of all. And sadly that's a short list with me in there several times with Me, Myself and I.

Sorry people, but I figure no matter how much better I'm going to get in the end the only person I can trust/depend on/rely is me.

It's fucking tiring and at times all I need to know is that someone is near. Not even helping, not even interacting with me....I can't even stress that enough. Just near. I'm not asking for a shrink, I'm asking for small civil niceties. I'm not asking for Superman. Those days are long gone and I know if I don't keep on then nothing gets done. If I don't do it, it won't get done. In a world where my shoulder gets separated I'm asking for a good morning. I'm not even hoping for a bandage. Even if you gave me one, I would thank you and decline. That flea isn't even walking anymore much less jumping.

It doesn't help that the worst times in my life has been because I've actually had the nerve to depend on someone else. So, niceties mean the world to me.

I've been called antisocial, snobbish, distant, and even rude, but with my track record hell is other people. Some say I've haven't gotten better, but I have yet I will not be the kind of person who flows in groups. I work when most don't see me and I leave meaningful thoughts along the way. When I share a thought with someone I do so as a calculated risk that I am on the other side saying that it's not needed. So when I say something endearing or honest to someone I take a risk and hope the sky does not fall. I've gotten better because now I don't care as much that it does. I say what I mean and mean it. If it isn't received kindly I just move on and cut people out.

It's easy cutting people out. It's a survival mechanism that I do without thinking. It's not nice and I'm hoping to stop that. That and I am someone who keeps to myself. So the fact that I'm sharing this is my attempt to creep past comfort zones. Yea....not doing so well. Some days I'm making strides. Other days I'm under my rock. Today is a rock day. I got outside anyways and I did what was needed so I pat myself on my back...oh wait.....*pats his own back* .....ah....there. And yet, I'm going back to my rock.

Not saying that any of you have caused this. This is usually natural and more of a group thing. I'm just going to lay under my rock, do what needs to be done and if I'm lucky a kitteh will have lap time with me as I vent to it a bit while making it happy. Yea, so far Animals 3 Human Beings -12.

Don't feel so bad human beings......it was -67 earlier this year....so.....yea....whatever.

bye.

Oh.....if you bother me I'll throw rocks at you. The kittehs are on this.

They seldom fuck up.

Not judging though.

that time is over.

Shower Epiphany: Grow within rather than build without

Sometimes we are disappointed in people not because we found a way to see them as who they are and to accept them as is, but because they somehow represent something to us that often times they do not know of, we can not comprehend, nor can we begin to imagine how this it came to be. Once we realize what they mean to us and who they really are we can take those often times unjust and overwhelming expectations from their shoulders and begin to understand what we lack and how we can make ourselves whole rather than augment ourselves with others.

Shower Epiphany: Tugging against the Remaining Shackle, Never understanding it does not exist

*My apologies with the skip of time and space. This post comes before Shower Epiphany: Finally Feeling the Remaining Shackle Give Way. So if you are a bit confused this entry lead to the before mentioned. Sowwies. I promise not to cause anymore confusion.....or at least try not to.*

Had to read a bit of Gladwell's Outliers before going to sleep again. I'm quite convinced that I'm very literarily lucky. I seem to stumble onto the right books when I need them the most. Momenta when I contemplate certain thoughts it actions that may have some certain or drastic change in my life I am usually rewarded with my intellectual gamble after several months of contemplation. This process has not only rewarded me for patience I never had, but my hidden ability to deeply ponder or "grok" the long potentials of chosen ideas or path. Only after long months of mental debate can I honestly see if I'm actually right.

I can see how this talent or what some consider a nuisance can be hindering to many and why some have seeker to hinder my train of thought as if I would end up disproving why I should or shouldn't do something ans knowing once I arrive at my answer it would only reinforce my stubborn nature in knowing that my "math" is correct. I can see why I've seen it as a curse or the reason why I can nor sleep, yet I understand now. I see why my reluctance to think deeply unnerved others who in truth were threatened.

I am difficult to reason, tempt, and threaten once I reach at a conclusion. My sense of right and hypocrisy is too strong. I can even seen why some individuals broke up with me. In the end the feared that I would reason them away instead adore and favor them more. I understand now. I understand why "Charlie horse" myself and choose to hide my thoughts or "drink the cough syrup ".

I'm a bit sad and disappointed now. I understand. I feel as if I owe apologies to others and yet I feel I've been treated like my attractive counterparts and found beautiful to the eye ans yet told to cover up by the insecure. Their issues have become my own and it have not only made me feel unattractive, but also undesirable and unwanted.

Damn.

I get it now. And I laughed at the concept of being so attractive that you repulse. I've been so bright that I somehow insult those closest to me. Heartbreaking.

I get it now but heartbreaking all the same. Now I get the whole "shhhhh" thing.

Relieved yet disappointed by others and how I am seen. Still "ugly" no matter what.

*Sigh*

Shower Epiphany: Finally Feeling the Remaining Shackle Give Way

Woke up at 5 am and could not sleep again. That's ok since I had more than 6 hours of sleep and a clear and determined mind as if all my chaotic thoughts became aligned and drove chaos into one direct way.

I wont omit that Gladwell's book has not come in the right moment just like his other book drove me to question everything. This book answers the last remnants of doubt and confusion and releases my inhibition to take that stride forward.

Not only do I feel alive, but I am happy to be living NOW. This time now. A huge change from January, I'm eyeing December like its my bitch. I feel not only capital, but have a raging confidence and burning determination that all those years I felt like a dying battery, giving what remains of my being to a cold and hungry reality, are but a memory or blink of a fading thought. I feel as if Alexander is being channeled within and the world is waiting for my will upon it. I know what I want, how it will be done, and more importantly that it will happen. Best of all I've realized that I've finally discovered what limited me were never my own limitations, but those of others who in macro view do not matter any more and I have no reason to tolerate nor entertain. If my intentions are noble and true and beyond selfish, cruel, and manipulative then why must I continue to hold doubt that there are those mistreated by those who ideals were not so and be held by their hinderence or fears of the abused? If you can not tell who I am and what I embody the sorry, but you miss out. There are good and magnificent people out there and you will just miss out on me.

Tough, but sorry.

If you do not understand then you can not limit me. Your opinion is not my hang up, but yours. I have never wronged anyone, its their skewed interpretation that is wrong and it's not on me to even worry. I have carried others so far and have no time to do so anymore.

I have a legacy to build.

I am AWESOME in every way. I'm not boasting. This is my bar held high and I'm going to prove it to the world as fact. Not for ego, but for the pursuit of magnificence itself. This is my goal for life.

Life in Hell: Are you too stupid to listen?

Because every time I feel like I'm making progress as a human being, I need another weight around my neck. Since you all love to laugh at my misery, here's another does of My Life in Hell:

*Approaching Old  Man as he makes his breakfast*

Me: Well, the battery is dead and all. I think I it might be the Alternator.
Old Man: Are you sure?
Me: Yea.....I disconnected it from the jump and it kept going for a while, but it would not restart. Hey, on top of your head can you remember if I ever changed the alternator or if we even changed the battery?
OM: *clears his throat for his long instructional speech on everything I know* See, what you have to do is to check the glove compartment for the receipt. Once you find the receipt you can tell if the battery is under warranty, which is three years.....
Me: Oh, so you remember getting a new battery?
OM: Ok, I'm going to tell you again. You first have to go through the glove compartment to find the receipt. One you have he receipt you can see if the battery is under warranty. If it's not under warranty then you have to get a new one. If it is under warranty then you know the alternator is off and you need a new one....
Me....ok, but I'm not worried about....
OM: Are you stupid or do you work hard at not listening? I'm telling you that you first have to go through the glove compartment to find the receipt. One you have he receipt you can see if the battery is under warranty. If it's not under warranty then you have to get a new one. If it is under warranty then you know the alternator is off and you need a new one. If it's under warranty then you need a new battery. If you can not find the receipt then you know that you either lost it or you never got one. Can you follow that or do I need to waste my time talking to you again?
Me:.......you sound like Graucho.
OM: What?
Me: I said you sound like Graucho right when his dementia took over and people had no idea until he gave interviews on how airplanes work and why they are called airplanes.
OM: You know, you really are getting on my nerve.
Me: *in aged Grouch voice* An airplane is a plane that flies through the air. People would would go down to the airport which is where the airplane are to buy a ticket to ride an airplane which flew in the air, that's why they call it an airplane.
OM: You are pissing me off.
Me: *full explosion of sarcasm* Really? Am I really? Oh good. I can check that shit off my list this morning right next to being talked to like an idiot. I asked one simple question and told that I was too stupid to listen or to understand as you rambled on how to determine if I need a new alternator if I can find some sort of phantom receipt that may or may no be there. You know I've been changing the parts on the cars since 05'. All I asked if you can remember if we DID change it. Not what would happen if we did or why batteries die. I just wanted to ask you if you KNEW IF.....IF......if it was changed, because I have no idea and now I have no idea if my cognitant faculties even work any more! But I'm sorry, I seem to have stupid up your day asking a simple yes/no question!
OM: *Giving me that hard look that I never give to you good people because it would crush your soul and make you cry* You know what. Let's stop talking. You're pissing me off.
Me: Oh! That must mean that I'm right in this situation.
OM: *walking off* Fuck Off! You are such an asshole.
Me: Really? I have NO IDEA where I could have learn those skills. I'm just going to go stupid my way through looking receipts now because if it exists then I know I done it!
*slams door*
Me: *to my self*  ....shit like this. *yes, I do say this alot.*

Moral: I think I can see where I get my stubborn ability to not admit that I do not know something. Funny, I've been working on this for years and I've never lost inches or became anyone's bitch or ruined the world. Odd. Then again, I'm too stupid to listen. *bows*

Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Twenty- Lyrical bounce while talking to myself

We sat at the white table together as he smiled towards me. It was a relaxed and lazy smile that I have not seen since my days of youth and foolishness. A time when the weight of the world didn't rest upon my shoulders and I didn't know that life would be a hard task ahead.

This was a dream. It's rare when I can figure it out before waking, but I knew ahead of time that this was a dream. We never seem to question the fantastic or the outlandish unless we are within your dreams. It's a realm that everything can be accepted and allow us to confront and deal with issues that may seem hidden or even misunderstood. As far as I can tell my dreams have always been a means for hard thoughts to come forward and catch my attention.

I knew it was a dream since I was at a table across from myself within a room where the color of the walls elude me. It was a normal thing it seemed, since if there is any moment where you would find yourself with your doppelganger. I would not say that he was my exact double since he wore his long hair down in a fashion I called my scalawag pirate look. He was relaxed and mellow with a few days of not shaving with an air of "not giving a fuck" as if it was perfumed on him. I could not really see details that would say that he was me, but the emotion seem to convince me more than a logical mind. It's like trying to read or do math while dreaming. It's not only impossible, but it's a fast way of waking you up. Especially useful if you are having a nightmare and you want to be awake quickly.

But who am I to question sitting across from myself?

What does on do when faced with one's self? How is one to react if you are sitting with yourself? What would pass by your mind? It's a question that we don't usually ask unless you are me. I've spent most of my time listening to others. Studying their issues, actions, and behaviors. At first I did it to learn to imitate others, which I've been told I do a great job. If I know you long enough I can imitate you in your mannerisms, speech, and usual topics that make you you. It is only circumstantial that I learned to listen to people and all of  sudden seem to see what they could not. I've been told that I could have bee a psychologist or a psychoanalyst, but the though had always sickened me. Being someone that is approachable and easy to talk to, words of others and not my own, I've have heard every horror story, fear, heartbreak and paranoia imaginable from my girl dumped me and I am alone to I have been physically and mentally raped by satanic forces since I was the age of 5.

Yea, heavy shit.

And yet, I've always been told that I was wise and brilliant and I am great at helping people at their issues that I must have my life in order. And yet, it's the riddle of the barber in which who cuts their hair? It's a bit of  a insult in a way to be told that I can reach into the hearts of others and help them find peace when it's the one thing I desire the most. The ability to put down things that I have shared here and others that I still have to reveal. Things that keep me up at night, that keeps me wondering what could have, should have, may have had happened if I could do this or that or what other thing. That I could have prevented certain things just as some people are willing to pile on the maddening idea that they could have prevented 9-11 or save Kennedy or Lincoln if given the chance to. Those maddening thoughts that drive me to doubt, not in hopes of making me a better person, but more riddled with guilt and sadness that I have placed more blame on my plate than should be there.

And trust me, I'm one more than willing to lad my own lynching.

And yet, here at this moment of time was the one person who I could trust on everything. The one person who knew what I knew, knew what I think and what pitfalls in my own logic that would cause me to charlie horse my progress or what other windmill that I would see fit to challenge. Across from me was the one person I could honestly confide and trust. Here was the one person who could tell me what I should and should not do without any thought of malice or manipulation on anyone's behalf I did not know and I still don't, but I sat across from Me and I trusted him more than anyone or anything else.

And he was smiling.

Me: So.....what are we doing here?
Doppelganger: Please allow me to introduce myself....I'm a man of wealth and taste.

He spoke in a lyric? Really? And yet, I understood what he said.

Me: So.....are you supposed to be me?

Doppelganger: I am he as you are he as you are me...and we are all together.

So this was the gimmick? Ok, sure.

Me: Ok, so....can we talk? Are we supposed to? I mean, am I supposed to say what I want to say and you will tell me otherwise?

Doppelganger: I'm looking for me. You're looking for you. We're looking at each other and we don't know what to do.

Me: Um...ok....so I guess I wanted to ask you a few things since I'm trying to figure out what I should deal with. I wanted to go clean and pull all the shit out but I don't know how far or what I should keep doing. I really don't know sometimes because it feels like I'm always pulling shitty moments out of my life and trying to figure things out. It kind of works, but I just feel that sometimes I'm just going through it for nothing. I mean, where do I stop and what do I do when I get there?

Doppelganger: I see you've got your list out, say your piece and get out. Guess I get the gist of it 'cause it's alright Oh, well, anyway, sorry that you feel that way. The only thing there is to say Every silver lining's got a touch of grey

Me: Anyone ever tell you that we're an ass?

Doppelganger: You weren't the first...and you won't be the last....

Me: Ha.....ok...I can agree with that.

*we laughed for a while*

Me: Ok, can I float some thoughts to you then?

Doppelganger: Your own personal.....Jesus...

Me: Ok....I just wanted to know if I still have to do this or can I just get over it all.

Doppelganger: I try to discover a little something to make me sweeter....

Me: Yea, I've been trying to clear my head these months and it feels like I've hit a few things, and I've really aired out alot, but I still feel that there is more to it. There is so much more and I just can't pull it all out. It's as if I'm only scrapping the edge and there will always be somuch to deal with and I'm never going to be empty.

Doppelganger: And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out, what's in my head And I, I am feeling a little peculiar....

Me: Exactly! I always feel that no matter how much I get through that I have more. And somehow if I can't get through it all I'm still stuck and I'm never going to get to the end.

Doppelganger: I've been uptight and made a mess so I'll clean it up myself I guess.

Me: Yea, and it feels like forever. I'm tired of this. When will I be done?

Doppelganger: I just wish I knew....

Me: Wait....what? What do you mean?

Doppelganger: You an I, we've been though that and that is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now, for tomorrow is getting late.

Me: Yea.....I get that, but I just keep feeling that I'm always dealing with this shit.

Doppelganger:  But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Me: Yea...exactly, but I'm confused here. What are you saying?

Doppelganger: When you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live.....And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude...refrain. Don't carry the world up on your shoulders.....Speaking words of wisdom.....Let it be.

Me: So....so just let it go?

*I give myself that look of "well duh" that I've given to so many. Wow, I am an ass.*

Me: So should I keep on? Should I stop? Am I ever going to make things better?

Doppelganger: As you know anything goes....it's the end of the beginning, yea...we all know that anything can happen. We been through it. My mind is not here today. 

Me: Then where is it? Where is you mind?

*He points at me and it takes me a while to realize I had a Pixies moment. Man, I'm an ass*

Me: Yea, ok. I get that. So what. Just stop?

Doppelganger: Now don't tell me it's progress 'cause that's just a lie And don't even try to come with an excuse, why? We were so busy worrying about them dropping the bomb We didn't notice where our enemy was really coming from  

Me: I'm.....I'm too occupied worrying about the past? I'm dealing with the past and I'm losing track......

Doppelganger: Speak up....I can't hear you!

Me: I'm too busy pulling shit up that I'm ignoring now? Is that it?

Doppelganger: Little less conversation, little more action please? All this aggravation is not satisfaction in me


Me: I'm too absorbed? I'm busy fixing that past that I'm losing track of what I can be doing?

Doppelganger: Try to just let it go, Know that justice moves slow, But it comes in the end...I'm happy when life's good and when it's bad I cry. I got values, but I don't know how or why...I keep my eye wide open all the time....There is only so much I can owe!

Me: I'm working on the past while losing my present so I have not future. I'm spending too much time on the drawing board instead of out in the field.

Doppelganger: I think I had a song to sing and it went......life goes on.....such barrel of fun.....life goes on....Nothing going to change my world....I told them all to go to hell, that would suit them very well....Never going to be enough money, never going to be enough drugs and I'm never going to get old.....You live, you learn

Me: So.....just get out there? What if I screw things up? What if I fuck things up again? What is I ruin people's lives and cause them to hate me and ....

Doppelganger: What the hell are we fighting for? just surrender and it won't hurt at all....Your dog days are over...It doesn't hurt me. You want to feel how it feels. You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me...All of this, all of this can be yours. Just give me what I want and no one gets hurt.

Me:But you don't think....

Doppelganger: Welcome to your life. There's no turning back. Even while we sleep, we will find you acting on your best behavior....Who knows where my dreams will end I'll follow as they grow  ....Look at yourself, man. You're a winner. You're number one, don't you ever forget it. You look good today man. Go out there and show them who's boss!

Me: Really?

Doppelganger: Was it a millionaire that said imagine no possessions? The masses are asses....well, sandcastles made of sand fall into the sea.....eventually...Cause love's such an old-fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night And love dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves.....Love can conquer anyone...I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside I would swallow my doubt turn it inside out Find nothin' but faith in nothin'....All we are saying is to give peace a chance.

Me: I get it. Just go. I've changed more than enough and not matter what I need to keep moving and if I screw up then I do. I should just keep moving, adapting, and be cool. So this is the difference between us? You got to that point and I'm not there yet?

Doppelganger: A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend who bleeds is better ...but we got the biggest balls of them all! Carry on! I don't wanna stop.....If I had my time again I would do it all the same....I keep saying that it's getting too much, but I know that I'm a liar...I'm worth a million in prizes! Oh, well, a touch of gray, kinda suits you anyway, That's all I had to say 'cause it's alright

Me: Things will get better. I just have to stop worrying about them and just do. If I fuck up, I fuck up. I already know how to make amends. I already know how to make things better and how not to make mistakes and hurt others. The whole point that I've gone through all of this is because I care and I am willing to work with others and I think of them first. I am not who I was before. I changed and I'm better.

Doppelganger: The times are a changing. And in the end, the love we make is equal to the love we take.

Me: I'm....wow....thanks. I think I needed that.
*I start getting up and walking off as my double smiles and waves. I turn back and ask*

Me: So....this. Is it possible to do this again?

Doppelganger: You know my name....look up the number.....I'm you.....sad but true.

Waking up the Sun was rising high enough to flood the room with light. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and felt whole for one. Walking towards the bathroom I caught a glimpse in the mirror just passing by that caused me to stop. I looked into my eyes and felt that lose of guilt. I was looking at my reflection and I felt good and awake. I've come to realize that I'm not going to kick myself anymore. I'd done. I was done a week ago, but I realize that my act of faith has been rewarded. I find the proof I needed and realize that there is only so much I can do to pay for the moments in the past that I erred.

Life is good.  Life is always going to be good.