I swear I woke up to someone whispering in my ear, waking to an empty room. Could not make out what was said, but it felt someone was calling for me. There is some comfort in cold logic. It gives me an excuse to remain impartial and fair to others instead of telling them what I want the most. It's easier to betray my own longings, becoming someone's champion than to rally my own cause. I always seem to want what I can not have the moment I can not have it. There IS safety in my calculated risks.
Forgive me for being cryptic. Words have always held a certain power for me, as they allow me to say what I yearn to scream, yet allow me to remain hidden often times to what I wish to say. Perhaps this is a form of cowardice, as I use innuendo and allegory to hide my motive in the shuffle of words. Forgive me for doing so. The closer I come to inner feeling the more I would rather just remain silent and say nothing. I'm not surprised that my writing this is just a way of closeted catholic need to confess what I would most rather not say.
This has been a month of reflection. I've can not help to be revisited by phantoms of my past as I try to use cold logic to understand my actions in hope of finding solace in pattern and science. As learn much as I shared with a protegee, that I know my nature and in truth its very much like keeping a beast in chains. There have been moments when I lived in whim and made actions that allowed me to live for today for the joy of living. Yet as it usually takes me longer to heal when everything would go wrong. Having my heart on my sleeve usually leave me heartbroken.
It's safer to remain coy anyways, although I learned that I often have to think my way out of mischievous, Puckish behavior. I learned long ago to think seven ways past my initial reaction. As much as there was fun to be had, I could not often bare with the disappointment of error. Learning of the Method, and enveloping myself in logic and tactic has allowed me to use reason as my protection. It gives me leeway to do what needs to be done rather than what I want more.
Yet I have to admit there are moments that I wain from this protection. Usually I do need to let the beast out and allow it to roam under certain, guarded parameters. My risk is often calculated as I become the temptation of those who can not reach. I enjoy allowing myself the ability to become carnal knowing my sense of honor will simply keep me at safe distance. It's not mystery why I choose to surround myself with unattainable fruit than to sit with those I can become a glutton with. Some sins are always forgivable in a nuzzle and a loaded word then it is in an act of passion.
As much as I enjoy regaining my humanity, I long learned that I can not afford to revel in the such. In truth, I've lost many who still make my heart ache and left those who I wanted nothing more than to hold close and profess my adoration for. There is times like this that I feel for lack of value over the lack of nerve that I am never good enough for anyone. I relive the pattern in my head as it loops madly in me. If I can understand when one's heart turns from brilliant love to temptation, I can understand why I end up losing. The pattern haunts me still and I sometimes understand why it's best leaving someone wanting more, with sweetness on their tongue than to have them walk away with bitterness on it instead.
And yet, what haunts me is that once I get my life together. After retrieving all the fallen pieces and stumbling forward once again, they usually return. They come back. They come back and want me to take them back into my life as if they simply just never left. I can forgive many trespasses. I always tell those near me to never apologize and never thank me. If they understood my nature, they would know that I give of myself not to be thanked, but for a desire to give. I ask for no reparation, since it's all a part from loving someone. Yet, understanding human nature I soon learned that people want me to love them unconditionally rather than romantically.
It kind of breaks your heart, doesn't it?
In truth, I only have sisters and lovers when it comes to those who cross a threshold with me. Once someone becomes valuable in my eyes, I have to place them in one category or the other. If you are my sister, I will love you unconditionally. I will share your woes and fears and will stand against the world in your defense. Yet to do so, I set up a distance that will never be crossed. I will set up a boundary where in truth I can not change. Once someone is considered "blood" I can not hold incestuous thought. Although rare, there have been those who wanted to cross this and it always left me with a taboo feel, regardless of how tempting I become.
Those who become lovers I usually end up living for in the end. I find it hard not to in retrospect. My behavior even curbs towards their benefit as some unconscious element in my mind makes me take on characteristics that I usually do not naturally call my own. I know this because once someone leaves it takes me so long to rediscover myself once more, almost as if I had been comatose for the duration. It's almost like being soporific, as it calms my soul and makes me feel whole at times. As blissful as it is, I see now that it is not me and sometimes I simply see it as not worth the slumber.
I say this because there is some error in the logic when usually they become distant and sooner or later they leave. Often times I've given the reason of complications of life or another only to find out some time later that they just found someone else. The grass is always greener, no? I still do not understand though what would make them think that I would want them back in my life or that after they spend their time with their other choice that I would want them to return to me "enlightened" to how magnificent I am and how they missed me.
I don't mind that they leave, that I can forgive. Them coming back? Never. It's not like I never told them this or that they understand that some things I can never forgive. The list is so small it's relatively tiny. Perhaps it's the temptation of the forbidden tree knowing that I can not forgive this injury. I do not understand it, no matter how much I ponder it.
....
Perhaps it's why I've been distant in the past few years. It's easier for me to keep some distance between myself and another than to lace them into categories anymore. The concept of humanity often leads me to reflect too long. I get lost in my head time after time only wrestling with the why's than the how's. It's almost as if humanity is a walking paradox that does not offer any solution no matter how much I want there to be one. Perhaps if there is one I would not be here awake writing this, with apprehension that it's even being read.
Then again, confessionals are usually dark places where voyeuristic tendencies are usually the norm.
...
Oddly enough I feel better and I feel sleep return. Perhaps this thought will remain unfinished as it is in my head. There is no ending to this since I do not see one in sight. As much as it hurt me to say, I do not see myself finding peace with this. I do not see myself in that opiate dream once more. Perhaps it's best for me to remain awake and longing for resolution than to induce blissful sleep and tranquility of another's embrace.
....meh.
Forgive me for being cryptic. Words have always held a certain power for me, as they allow me to say what I yearn to scream, yet allow me to remain hidden often times to what I wish to say. Perhaps this is a form of cowardice, as I use innuendo and allegory to hide my motive in the shuffle of words. Forgive me for doing so. The closer I come to inner feeling the more I would rather just remain silent and say nothing. I'm not surprised that my writing this is just a way of closeted catholic need to confess what I would most rather not say.
This has been a month of reflection. I've can not help to be revisited by phantoms of my past as I try to use cold logic to understand my actions in hope of finding solace in pattern and science. As learn much as I shared with a protegee, that I know my nature and in truth its very much like keeping a beast in chains. There have been moments when I lived in whim and made actions that allowed me to live for today for the joy of living. Yet as it usually takes me longer to heal when everything would go wrong. Having my heart on my sleeve usually leave me heartbroken.
It's safer to remain coy anyways, although I learned that I often have to think my way out of mischievous, Puckish behavior. I learned long ago to think seven ways past my initial reaction. As much as there was fun to be had, I could not often bare with the disappointment of error. Learning of the Method, and enveloping myself in logic and tactic has allowed me to use reason as my protection. It gives me leeway to do what needs to be done rather than what I want more.
Yet I have to admit there are moments that I wain from this protection. Usually I do need to let the beast out and allow it to roam under certain, guarded parameters. My risk is often calculated as I become the temptation of those who can not reach. I enjoy allowing myself the ability to become carnal knowing my sense of honor will simply keep me at safe distance. It's not mystery why I choose to surround myself with unattainable fruit than to sit with those I can become a glutton with. Some sins are always forgivable in a nuzzle and a loaded word then it is in an act of passion.
As much as I enjoy regaining my humanity, I long learned that I can not afford to revel in the such. In truth, I've lost many who still make my heart ache and left those who I wanted nothing more than to hold close and profess my adoration for. There is times like this that I feel for lack of value over the lack of nerve that I am never good enough for anyone. I relive the pattern in my head as it loops madly in me. If I can understand when one's heart turns from brilliant love to temptation, I can understand why I end up losing. The pattern haunts me still and I sometimes understand why it's best leaving someone wanting more, with sweetness on their tongue than to have them walk away with bitterness on it instead.
And yet, what haunts me is that once I get my life together. After retrieving all the fallen pieces and stumbling forward once again, they usually return. They come back. They come back and want me to take them back into my life as if they simply just never left. I can forgive many trespasses. I always tell those near me to never apologize and never thank me. If they understood my nature, they would know that I give of myself not to be thanked, but for a desire to give. I ask for no reparation, since it's all a part from loving someone. Yet, understanding human nature I soon learned that people want me to love them unconditionally rather than romantically.
It kind of breaks your heart, doesn't it?
In truth, I only have sisters and lovers when it comes to those who cross a threshold with me. Once someone becomes valuable in my eyes, I have to place them in one category or the other. If you are my sister, I will love you unconditionally. I will share your woes and fears and will stand against the world in your defense. Yet to do so, I set up a distance that will never be crossed. I will set up a boundary where in truth I can not change. Once someone is considered "blood" I can not hold incestuous thought. Although rare, there have been those who wanted to cross this and it always left me with a taboo feel, regardless of how tempting I become.
Those who become lovers I usually end up living for in the end. I find it hard not to in retrospect. My behavior even curbs towards their benefit as some unconscious element in my mind makes me take on characteristics that I usually do not naturally call my own. I know this because once someone leaves it takes me so long to rediscover myself once more, almost as if I had been comatose for the duration. It's almost like being soporific, as it calms my soul and makes me feel whole at times. As blissful as it is, I see now that it is not me and sometimes I simply see it as not worth the slumber.
I say this because there is some error in the logic when usually they become distant and sooner or later they leave. Often times I've given the reason of complications of life or another only to find out some time later that they just found someone else. The grass is always greener, no? I still do not understand though what would make them think that I would want them back in my life or that after they spend their time with their other choice that I would want them to return to me "enlightened" to how magnificent I am and how they missed me.
I don't mind that they leave, that I can forgive. Them coming back? Never. It's not like I never told them this or that they understand that some things I can never forgive. The list is so small it's relatively tiny. Perhaps it's the temptation of the forbidden tree knowing that I can not forgive this injury. I do not understand it, no matter how much I ponder it.
....
Perhaps it's why I've been distant in the past few years. It's easier for me to keep some distance between myself and another than to lace them into categories anymore. The concept of humanity often leads me to reflect too long. I get lost in my head time after time only wrestling with the why's than the how's. It's almost as if humanity is a walking paradox that does not offer any solution no matter how much I want there to be one. Perhaps if there is one I would not be here awake writing this, with apprehension that it's even being read.
Then again, confessionals are usually dark places where voyeuristic tendencies are usually the norm.
...
Oddly enough I feel better and I feel sleep return. Perhaps this thought will remain unfinished as it is in my head. There is no ending to this since I do not see one in sight. As much as it hurt me to say, I do not see myself finding peace with this. I do not see myself in that opiate dream once more. Perhaps it's best for me to remain awake and longing for resolution than to induce blissful sleep and tranquility of another's embrace.
....meh.
