26 Things that I'm not too fond of when I'm working out regularly

1. Eating tons of food, because I need to have that feeling of gorging while trying to be healthy.

2. The tons of protein power I have to eat because eating 21 eggs a day is not feasible unless I'm Cool Hand Luke.

3. The immense amount of water I have to drink because if I eat that much protein I have to keep my kidneys from shutting down. So not only do I feel full, but I am feeling a bit drunk.

4. The DOMS that hit when I start working out, because nothing motivates me more to keep working out than every fiber of muscle screaming in unison.

5. Trying to get 8 hours of sleep. I'm an insomniac. I'd be so much more fitter if I can sleep regularly. That and I would not be in as much pain.

6. Hearing form others about how they tried working out but it's SO HARD! I MEAN HOW COULD YOU DO IT? I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE BEING MOTIVATED! Yea.....that's what I need. Someone to whine about their lack of motivation when I'm dragging my ass around.

7. Idiots who decide to lecture me that I'm not doing it right in the middle of my workout. If you want we can have coffee. Have a chat AFTERWARDS. Not in mid burpee or in mid snatch.

8. People who want to advice on how to get "perfect abs" and do not accept the concept of work. Really? You think this is just possible for wanting? Get off your ass and move!

9. People who watch me work out and have to start a conversation around me on how they work out ALL THE TIME, but blah blah blah....and they're only this because blah blahh blah.....Shut up and go away. Make your bitch excuses away from me.

10. Bruises on sore muscles. No describable hell than that feeling of pain.

11.Going to the bathroom. Alot. All the time.

12. Looking for tips in magazines and youtube only to realize after you invested 20 minutes that there is nothing new to learn. Why did you make it seem you knew something I didn't?

13. People (read: women) who say that lifting makes you mannish. The porn star that your boy friend likes? She squats. Ever wonder why he's thinking of when he's tugging your empty skirt? Yea.....

14. People (read: meatheads) who say they don't need cardio. That's nice, you are huge, Arnold. And yet I can out run you without risk of a coronary. When the zombies come just know I can scale the fence, outrun and out fight you, you walking cow. In fact, I hope I become a zombie to tear into your meaty flesh. I need the protein it seems.

15. People who discourage others who may be heavy/out of shape by making fun of them working out. Really? What the fuck is wrong with you? They're trying to solve the issue! Fuck off!

16.Washing workout clothing. Yes, I do the sniff test. I do run in smelly clothes at times. I do so because between bathroom and eating times I'm just doing laundry.

17. Finally dropping weight and going to try clothes that now should fit only to discover that your body don't fit because you are too muscular....hench the bigger size. =-| Seriously?

18. Falling asleep in the shower/bath trying to loosen up my aching body.

19. Walking around like an old man that I don't want to be since I'm working out so much to feel .....young.

20. Doing mental math in my head on if I can share a cookie with someone. Most of the time it's a euphemism for something else. Yea.....so many times. So sad.

21. Getting that testosterone rush and feeling aggressive/horny. I spar alot. A whole lot. So much sparing. =-| Sparing.

22. Wanting to share an accomplishment only to find people don't really care.

24. Finally getting a chance to have a treat on a cheat day and getting "guilted" by someone. FUCK YOU! I EARNED THIS!

25. Finally getting to indulge on something for a cheat day then having the chance and you realize that ....nah. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I BEEN WANTING THIS ALL WEEK NOW.....nah? *starts crying*

26. It takes SO MUCH BOOZE to get you drunk with your metabolism so high and yet not enough when you drop body fat. =-| So sad.

Shower Epiphany: The horror of "love"

Started to play with the idea that when people want me to "love" them what they're asking for is something beyond unconditional love. Something that somehow permits them to do as they wish, have the support that I give, and no obligations towards the consequences and responsibilities attached to the results of their said actions.

To begin with I don't have that in me. I don't have that ability to watch someone hurt themselves on the guise of following a dream or wanting to make someone/thing/idea better. I stop doing this to myself when I ended up holding a crying woman who was bawling in my arms and the realization hit me that I knew nothing about her. I knew no one damn thing about her to place myself in that position. Yes, I care about people. Yes, I would do almost anything for those I am affectionate to and yet, I am not one to suffer for the sake of suffering. I'm not one to force myself to endure hell on one's behalf simply to be "supportive".

I learned something about human beings from my small time here. If you promise people the world, you will see who they really are. If you say you will give them anything they want they will show you who they are. It's like watching a selfish child stuff candy in their pockets when realizing the candy dish is free. If you can get anything you want without putting anything into it, why not? If you can take full advantage of everything someone has to offer with minimum or no required return why not take them to the bank?

Ever noticed people who get conned usually these kind of people?

So no, I am not someone who gives freely simply because I end up finding people who will take everything. I learned to give them an idea of love in which they thing I'm supportive, kind, and "loving" with in truth it's none of these things. What they want is a shallow nod, and encouraging "of course" and no critique what so ever. People want kindling for the fires they can not feed. They want to do what is harmful to themselves and use what ever they can to make it happen without someone simply stating that this is harmful.

That's not me.

People somehow want me without me. They want me saying yes, when my answer is no. They want me cheering when I should be yelling for them to stop. They want to know that I completely agree with their choices and to comfort them when they are harming themselves and also subscribe to the noting that none of this horror is happening. They have a twisted sense of love that is as fictitious as turning lead into gold. It can't be done. It's impossible and yet, if you BELIEVE enough it can happen.

I have to say that the word that frightens me off with faith. When I can could faith in the vocabulary of people numerous times I know I have to get away unless I am dragged into a vortex of hell and suffering that they assume would bring answers and happiness once someone, read me, have once paid in full. People want me to cheer and support without any concept of tactics, negativity, analysis or discussion. People I love understand that I am vocal and cruelly blunt when it is necessary.  I am not a gambler. Gamblers have something to lose because no value for what they have. I have lost too much in my life to take any gambles. I calculate, save, check my math, beg for criticism, and question my own doubts in case I have a risk unseen. I weigh the pros to cons, understand the returns to investments and understand how one error can end it all. I am miserly with my money, cheap with my own time, and stingy with my basking in my own praise. I'm  not one for taking compliments simply because what progress you see means just a rung in my ladder and I am too far behind to appreciate my accomplishments. I don't praise myself, I push myself. I don't celebrate, I go back to work. I don't take a day off, I am force to take mental heath days and sick days.

And that is just on what I put myself through.

Others I'm much more kinder, yet not as yielding as one would think. I ask hard question not because I want to hurt others, but I want them able to defend themselves in the moments I can not reach them. I want to know their argument is airtight so that it becomes reason instead of an argument. I never want to see them apologize for their mistakes, but learn form them. I want to see people through and would stand against anything they have coming towards them, but I want them to work AS HARD IF NOT HARDER then I would. I give my all to those who need it because they need the help back up not because they need.

I'm not an enabler.

Not anymore anyways and I'm not going to be forced back into one.

That's not love. That's just hell.

Shower Epiphany: The New Black

It confuses me how people keep using the term "blank is the new black".

Why is there a new black? Why is everything else trying to dethrone black? Black isn't doing it's duty? Are there term limits?

You never hear this anywhere else and you wonder what's wrong with someone if they say things just as stupid such as Ford is the new Cadillac or you are a strategist while I am a tactician.

Stupid shit.

Really? How about red be red and purple be happy it's purple? Just a thought.

Shower Epiphany:Don't think 'cos i'm talking we're friends

I'm quite amazed at the potential of people lately, especially in the terms of simply being friends. Not friends with benefits, friends who are on the bench or warming up to replace the pitcher or even friends who you both can have a drink or two and end up in bed with.

Just friends.

People who you actually enjoy time with. People who make you feel as if you should have never have left to go on your way elsewhere and should remain close to them. People who make you happy to be who you are and have nothing to gain in changing you or remodeling you as someone they expect you to be. People who in a small moment bring a smile to your face despite being so far away or even in some rare occasions never to have even shared the same room with. People who make time fly past in a blink of an eye only to be replaced with a mutual feeling of joy and cherished memories. People who you can continue a conversation with as if years never past between you. People who you would cross hell and damnation to meet in times of need. People who give you more than you give them and make you wish to share your time with again.

These people are rare in this world as hard to find. I know because there are times when I do find them and I hold them dear to me in fear of losing them. I have never been this way and in truth I'm so antisocial that I do not make attempts in  reaching out to others unless I feel there is something that attracts me to them in the first place. I'm a snob. Fine, I'll wear that near my letter, but I don't want to waste what little of my time I have with those who waste their time speaking of the lives of others and the importance for frivolous ideals and acts that made me want to leave high school in the first place. SO to say I'm repealed by stupidity and selfishness it not saying enough. I do what I can to go out of my way to not attract these individuals in the first place, surrounding myself with what most would consider ugly and gross. I do not want them to notice me and I do not care if they find me unapproachable, unattractive or boring.

I'm attracted to intelligence, often time looking for others who know more than I do in some sense. It does not have to be anything academic in any way as long as there is passion for what drives them and that passion is infectious. That drive to improve and make an attempt at becoming better is more than attractive, it's a must to even speak any deep words towards you. It compels me to even make an attempt to speak up and take those risks that I am often times terrified making. I make those risks now where I feel safe, but I'm safe from rejection here. With others I often feel rejection first and feel it's harsh and cold bite upon me before I realize that I do not care. Then I simply laugh it off and find amazement that such a boogy man even frightened me in any way.

I might have thick skin, but it's scared skin from many lacerations.

So to simply say that I am attracted to you is not a guarantee for anything. It simply means that I want to spend time with you. Not sex. Not making out or sending photos of genitalia or drunken texts or calls. It means that something about you compels me to discover who you are and what you mean to me. That is all. Nothing more. Sometimes I realize you are not worth my time. Other times I realize everything that shine is not always of value. And few times I realize that just because you are attractive that you are not worth more than a bit of conversation.

In truth, I've learned three things in all this.

1. Just because we are friends does not mean we are going to be anything more.

2. Other times I realize that you are worth more and I want you in my life on a permanent level and I would trust you with my life and the lives of others who are important to me. In those moments I would make you family. Family is permanent and worth the trouble. Please note, I don't fuck family. Sorry, but I don't cross that line. If you are family then you are almost sacred, not fuckable. End of discussion.

3. Few people I've been good friends with who I've had a romantic relationship with I've come to regret losing as friends. As much as I can say, my romantic life is a train wreck and I'm still trying to figure it out. Yes, I would find you more meaningful and precious, but losing you would horrify me. I've lost too many great women in my life because I crossed that line or worse, that line crossed me.

So yea, that is what I see as friends and being attractive to them. That's basically it. Nothing more and nothing less. I'm coming to understand that sex is best had by people I can consider disposable and not important to me. Saying that, I haven't been sleeping around for a long time. Sadly, I'm ok wit this. Sure not that much Oxycontin  is shared, but chocolate is good and I don't have to deal with the insanity.

Or at least until I can contain that part of me that I lose when I "fall in love". So far there are more than enough individuals making damn sure I don't do anything stupid since I have horrible sense of being sexually attracted to elements that can and will hurt me. I would not be shocked that I would be turned on by fire.

Yea....blue haired girls are a no no.

Yep.....a no no. A yummy no no.

......

So.....yea.

Shower Epiphany: The Price of Words

I'm still pondering something that happens to me frequently, especially when someone gets to know me well enough. It's something usually feeds into my low self esteem at times since most people make it a habit of assuming characteristics form one's physical form rather then to ask and question the individual. It's one of the reasons why I don't like looking into mirrors, being in crowds and at times being around small children as their worried parents usually pulls them away out of some horror within their head instead of seeing that they handed me a small rock or object.

I do look menacing, I'm not going to argue that. I do look like someone who can hurt you physically and has more than enough ability to do so quickly and efficiently. It's a byproduct of training more than 25 years at my art to the level of not only understanding how delicate the human body can be, but how simple it is to cause so much harm in a few movements and miscalculated, or worse careless, movements.

The same can be said to words.

What was said to me was that they would have never imagined that I, looking very much a bruiser and menace of many sorts would have a "profound", the only saving grace in the comment, intellect and kind and sensitive nature. Yea.....ouch. It hurts. My response was not to get insulted or to even show the person how painful the statement was. I mean, why correct the oblivious when life can? Instead I simply said, that those of us who think deeply and understand the meaning and value of words usually get crushed in this world. If anything my appearance is merely defensive, as all of my training. When I weighed 129 lbs at 5'10'' I looked as if people can simply blow me away with a puff of air. They didn't understand that what I said I've meant and what I mean is a calculated thought rather than careless words. With my appearance them I was bookish, timid, weak or sweet in kinder words. A fagot, punkass, and a pussy in harsher ones.

My appearance has never matched the power of my words until I began my training once more. Even when I was 50 lbs heavier I carried an awe of dread and dare I say power that caused most people to either give me enough space or simply just continue to ostracize me. Only a few would approach me and discover that Frankenstien's monster have a mind, as abnormal as it would seem. When painfully thin it was a challenge. No one can back up their words simply with meaning and deliberate thought. Anyone who would speak that strongly would only draw challengers who thought of a rebuttal was that I can take you out into the parking lot and beat the shit out of you. Ina nation that values the Second Amendment without realizing that it was placed after the First can not value the power of communication and preservation of an idea that cause re-evolution rather than bloodied cost that is called revolution. Without understanding that true tyranny removes one's voice and creates a vacuum that causes rise to violence, one can not comprehend that words are to be protected, defended as well as cherished and valued greater than bullets. A well placed word can prevent bloodshed as well as cause it and hence must be protected at all cost as well as instill the responsibility of such use and how one's existence can change in the matter of a moment with a words.

The concept is more than frightening and reserved for nightmares and horror movies rather than deep consideration. It is something that frighten us as individuals as we knee jerk it with loudness and empty banter that has only hidden and shallow meaning instead of realizing that such horrors are not only survivable, but livable. Such hells are endured not only in despot nations that new manufactures pump out to bring the ire of a nation that has not idea what life is and isn't to those individuals, but to drive enough frenzy to cause harm out of some twisted mixture of nationalism and small genitalia compensation. Or perhaps a better result in the abject disgust without counter action which, like silence and active ignorance usually defaulted into consent.

No, such acts of horror are common in homes where thoughts are not challenged or examined, but accepted in broad brushstrokes as bad and good without second thought. Second thought and reluctantness would be characterized as deviant, perverse and cast down as cause and reason for punishment that somehow does not equate to justice and liberty if the math is examined closely. Words have been fought over, even when their meanings are unknown. It's been said that slaves read the bible in rebellion simply knowing that the act of reading is punishable to death and yet it would be centuries before the progeny of those slaves would understand the item was not coveted for the message it carried, since it sanctified slavery, but in the act in itself.

Having my own voice taken, or more precisely explained ignorantly rejected, I've come to understand that power of words and meaning. How one changed word can be detrimental to a general message, especially from those who quote mine and wish to create loopholes where there is none to be found. A strong message and well thought idea can change minds instantly and provoke deeper understanding, inspire debate as well as a free circulation of thoughts and examination of what we are and what we wish to be in this short moment we call life. It can convey emotion that lingers or simply free the minds of those who believe themselves islands rather than among others of the like. Communication has been regulated, guarded, censored and held on trial for the greater good and moral upstanding of ideals that are to this day held as unquestionable. We are watched and yet shocked when our watchmen do not hold true to the regiment forced upon us at times. We can not understand that liberty is never stolen but foolishly relinquished.

And yet, there is a price. Imagine how many error you have committed that only a well placed would would have saved. Or the lack of a word would have protected. Or simply remaining silent. That power hold us responsible for what we dare to speak, much more what we mindlessly utter. It's those consequences that we end up in angst and and in our moment of rue that we only wish to return back to that moment and speak differently;. We come to realize that our words often cost us more than we are willing to lose. That we can not afford to harm. We discover that words must be protected for all of our sakes.

And so, I know my mind is never sought unless a moment arises and I leave most dumbfounded and shocked. The monster speaks and yet he speak with eloquence and meaning that has everyone in awe yet not enough to question why. A miserable few do seek me out, yet usually with morbid curiosity or even in mediums such as this one where I am limited and only what I want is passed on. I am filtered into approved morsels and swallowed without further thought. It is very rare to find others like myself and those moments are cherished and enjoyed on the level of last bits that have to suffice as present memory for hard times.

So yes, I am misconstrued not by my own words, but just for the assumption that some ignorance does not escape my mouth as many assume. It is why I choose to remain silent among you and often play into your ignorant assumptions with secret puckish intentions. It's what keeps me from falling into sadness at being misunderstood before my mouth opens.

“...once I falsely hoped to meet the beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities which I was capable of unfolding.” 

― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

Oh well......

Shower Epiphany: So I find you attractive: a concise guide to what I actually mean when I say it and other tips in dealing with me

Speaking to a good friend yesterday, I realize that I'm a bit of an oddity, especially when she calls me one. This usually come to light when we are discussion how I don't usually fit with what the majority of "alpha males" are doing to get the attention of potential mate. I've come to realize that I guess it's my fault since I usually make most people, especially women confused, so I'm going to screw around with a pamphlet that helps people figure me out a bit more. The working title is going to be "So I find you attractive: a concise guide to what I actually mean when I say it." Some topics include:

What do I want from you? Nothing really:how hanging out is just that and not a sneaky way into your pants.

What's your favorite color?: How I usually pick things up for people since I see them and how it does not mean I'm trying to getting you to "owe me" and probably paying you back for treating for a meal.

Why are you breaking up with me or giving me the girlfriend talk?: Even if we hang out and I care alot about you, it does now mean we are in a relationship. If I haven't seen you at minimum naked I don't need the girlfriend talk. That's just your emotions trying to deal with someone who actually cares about others. Imagine that, care about you without sex?

"Oh wow, this is an interesting conversation we are having......um, my boyfriend also cares about this topic....:How it's ok to enjoy a conversation without having guilt of having one without your significant other. No, it' snot cheating. It's just being interesting. You know, like that beer guy? Interesting?

"It's kind of late do you want to crash here?" : How I didn't get your hint on sleeping with you and you should probably just come out an mention it. I'm a simple creature who doesn't think he is attractive, especially after that threeway you talked about just a little while ago.

"Wait.....what are you doing? Why did you stop?": How I listen to the word "No" and how to cope with that. I know, I actually listened.

And so many more! Sign up now and you also get a list of things that I care about and not give a rat's ass for, such as....

*I like science and research not fairy tales and stories of your friends brother that proves that dogs have souls or leprechauns. 

*Being nice to rude people is my way of laughing since I know they're so close to getting beat down and I want people to see how much of an ass they are before I snap

*I don't care about famous people or millionaires. I'm sure they have their issues and problems. I just don't care. Anyone who can afford a decent amount of food in their fridge are not usually on my list so......oh well

And!

*Someone is being an ass on tv and everyone is talking about it.......ok, I'm going to continue not to care about twerking, or tongues out, or being high on camera because.....well, I rather not deal with stupid shit when there are real things to deal with.

AND MUCH....MUCH MORE! Order yours now.

*takes a bow*

Shower Epiphany: Self Conscious Work Ethic of the Inadiquate

I've come to realize that my lack of confidence is probably the greatest motivator I have. Mind you, I'm in no way saying it's a good thing or that I'm happy always feeling that I'm not good enough to do certain things, yet after reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers  I've come to realize that there are very few of us with that natural talent of simple being the best at something. Few of us can say, "hey, I'm so and so" and people will swoon. Few of us can actually pick up something and simple be magnificent at it off the bat. Yes, those people are talented and special. And yet there are limiters to them. If they do not have the opportunity to practice, improve, explore and love their work their gift is worthless. You need to put in work in order to expose that greatness. 

So enter me. I know I'm not many things and I have a heavy feeling of not belonging anyways so you would figure that would have me locked up in a room. And yet, I know there is something to me if I put in enough work. I never believed that I was smart enough to go to college until I memorized and can predict the frequency of periodicals, the shipments, the time and who requested them from top of my head. I know it's stupid. I just memorized close to 2000 magazines and newspapers, but the part that dawned at me is that if I put my self at it I was not going to be this virtuoso at publishing, but my hard work would not only keep me competitive, but almost at the peak where I can see these naturally brilliant people. It's stupid, but  I learned how to learn, even if it took me a decade to get it to an art. I think that ability is not giving me an edge in thinking. 

Not strong enough? Hit the pile again. Not fast enough? Run more. Not smart enough? Study two hours more to the 6 I already am studying at. not creative enough? Read and foster that ability. Not healthy enough? Change my habits slowly to ensure permanent and positive change and move gradually. Not kind enough? Look who is and study their ability and thoughts to cultivate that ability. There is nothing I can not do to improve myself if I feel I am not enough.

......yea....maybe that too. 

I'm not one to say I'm handsome or even attractive naturally, but I'm witty and smart and entertaining enough to make anyone forget that. I clean up nicely because I'm not changing myself physically but simply improving the package. I'm understanding, just as  Louis C.K. does, that if I have ever had someone attracted to me it was never physically. It was that I had traits that overlooked them. I can not improve how I look to a certain degree, but I can remain fit and active. I can regulate my weight and muscle mass. I can choose what I want to wear and how I want to look. I have more options that I realize, especially considering that I'm trying to play for the end game. I'm going to be hitting 40 soon and I don't want to hit that steep slope of change that all men struggle with. I don't want to be that old guy who has trouble. I'm just liking how my life is getting so I want to keep it a bit longer. I want to be that old guy who dies on the track. I've already gotten compliments that I don't seem my age and not just from my behavior. I live that. I can not do anything about aging, but getting old is not an option. I already lost years of my life due to sickness and pressure that I will not get back, so why not make life better overall?

Yea, I may be unattractive in my 60's but I'm still going to be running. I'm going to be running away from a cane and wheelchair. I'm going to be lifting, training, working out, and eating well so that nothing stops me from what I want to do. I'm still that kid screaming, "you can't tell me what to do." Why would I let age and wasted ability to take that away from me too? I know I have genes that are going to work against me, why not bring the fight to them?

So.....if I know I'm not good enough and I drive myself to work more at it, earn my 10,000 hours and then some, is it still a bad thing?

That is the question I'm  not pondering. It's like the whole, if Hitler was so evil and spit fire at blind babies could he still pick a flower and hand it to someone out of kindness, sort of crappery that we like to paint things black and white.

So...yea.