Shower Epiphany:I'm trying to turn my mood around.

Ok, just a warning. I'm trying my best to turn my mood around. 

I'm not me yet and I'm not ok so far. I'm just caught in some heavy thoughts that has me questioning more. Funny, I thought I would be good by now, but so far it looks like a long process and I really don't have any bloody patience or at least right now. I know people say I need to bring others into the Circle. I'm listening and I have tried in my weak and not really trying attempt. It's almost on the level of having those who fear clowns sit with Bozo. That and I don't want to be the kind of person who "pops" people like others pop pills. I'm not that kind of person. I know people bring happiness, but I don't want to be that one kind of person who goes through people for the moment of happy only to toss them aside. I am happy without and I like to keep it that way. I'm really not that outgoing since I've always said that Hell is other people and I had more than my share of Hell.

Ha....remind me of the gynecologist who isn't frisky with the wife. HA.....yea...it's kind of like that. I don't have the best filter and in truth all my hunches are .....meh. So please forgive me for not making everyone my "bff". I know I can be an awesome friend. I don't say that out of arrogance. I say it because I have been in to many situations where I had the smallest end of the stick if any. I'm not that trusting and I really don't see why I must be. I value honesty, kindness, and humor and sad to say I am not getting that from many people. Everyone has their agenda and where I would fit perfectly and I would rather walk away than to be type cast in any way.

SO yea, I'm busy trying to get rid of people than make bonds with new ones. those who can take a year or two of me trying to get rid of them usually are the ones I keep for life. No bullshit. I'm not looking for someone to complete me or for me to make their life sparkle. I'm looking for people who can sit and stare at the sun rise and set without saying anything to me because we have already said more than enough.

So yea. I don't want my life dictated by others. I want to give when I can and feel safe. And if I get up and leave I will know the door isn't locked behind me at all. In fact the closest people to me let me come back and it's as if we never parted.

Hmmm.....none of this makes sense. None of this. Whatever.

I'm not the friendliest person around. I'm.....not me right now. I'm .....kind of messed up. And when I'm like this I don't pull people in. I shove them away. I need people to know that if I am distant I'm doing this because I see myself "infected" and trying not to infect others. I don't want my shit to affect others. It's the nicest thing I can ever do for people. Keep them away from my worries and fears. So...yea. Sorry I guess. I like you and all, but you will probably think of me as an asshole, rude and distant. So.....yea....at this point I don't care if that's how I seem.

So....just a warning.I'm trying to turn my mood around.