I think I need some time alone. I'm not in a serious mood or have to have an intervention, but times like these I have to depend on those I trust most of all. And sadly that's a short list with me in there several times with Me, Myself and I.
Sorry people, but I figure no matter how much better I'm going to get in the end the only person I can trust/depend on/rely is me.
It's fucking tiring and at times all I need to know is that someone is near. Not even helping, not even interacting with me....I can't even stress that enough. Just near. I'm not asking for a shrink, I'm asking for small civil niceties. I'm not asking for Superman. Those days are long gone and I know if I don't keep on then nothing gets done. If I don't do it, it won't get done. In a world where my shoulder gets separated I'm asking for a good morning. I'm not even hoping for a bandage. Even if you gave me one, I would thank you and decline. That flea isn't even walking anymore much less jumping.
It doesn't help that the worst times in my life has been because I've actually had the nerve to depend on someone else. So, niceties mean the world to me.
I've been called antisocial, snobbish, distant, and even rude, but with my track record hell is other people. Some say I've haven't gotten better, but I have yet I will not be the kind of person who flows in groups. I work when most don't see me and I leave meaningful thoughts along the way. When I share a thought with someone I do so as a calculated risk that I am on the other side saying that it's not needed. So when I say something endearing or honest to someone I take a risk and hope the sky does not fall. I've gotten better because now I don't care as much that it does. I say what I mean and mean it. If it isn't received kindly I just move on and cut people out.
It's easy cutting people out. It's a survival mechanism that I do without thinking. It's not nice and I'm hoping to stop that. That and I am someone who keeps to myself. So the fact that I'm sharing this is my attempt to creep past comfort zones. Yea....not doing so well. Some days I'm making strides. Other days I'm under my rock. Today is a rock day. I got outside anyways and I did what was needed so I pat myself on my back...oh wait.....*pats his own back* .....ah....there. And yet, I'm going back to my rock.
Not saying that any of you have caused this. This is usually natural and more of a group thing. I'm just going to lay under my rock, do what needs to be done and if I'm lucky a kitteh will have lap time with me as I vent to it a bit while making it happy. Yea, so far Animals 3 Human Beings -12.
Don't feel so bad human beings......it was -67 earlier this year....so.....yea....whatever
bye.
Oh.....if you bother me I'll throw rocks at you. The kittehs are on this.
They seldom fuck up.
Not judging though.
that time is over.
No comments:
Post a Comment