Shower Epiphany: I don't do Death well.

I don't do death well. 

In fact, I do my best to avoid it completely. I know I'm trying to keep some amount of humor, but it's more like masqueraded anger as Stephen King once wrote. I'm not a death person. I'm not one to take in the ceremony of death outside of the Day of the Dead and that is more of a personal moment rather than a public one. I'm honestly dreading the viewing and the funeral with all my being. 

I've avoided many funerals and any time it comes to a family funeral I have to get into a brilliant fight just to plead my case on how I can not show up. I in truth have no voice. My view that I do not want to be in a crowded room is not viable. My avoidance of large crowds and my FEAR of being confined in a small space with so many people TERRIFIES me. I do not do large groups, much less LARGE GROUPS IN SMALL PLACES.  I will panic. I will pace. And I will run away until I feel whole enough to come back. That enough is plenty of a mindfuck for me. That is more than enough.

Now, add the fact that I have to sit in that crowded room SURROUNDED by others. SURROUNDED and IN ONE PLACE. SURROUNDED and IN ONE PLACE and SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW A CERTAIN EMOTIONAL and SANCTIONED BEHAVIOR OF OUTWARD SADNESS as THIS LARGE CROWD DESCENDS UPON YOU AND JUDGES YOU OF HOW SAD YOU SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT BE.

....yea. I'm not like this. I'm not like that at all.

Now add the fact that certain family members just THRIVE ON EMOTIONAL CHAOS AS IF IT WAS CANDY TO A CHRONIC, TOOTHLESS DIABETIC and now you realize that I am going into a personal hell where I either be the good son and SWALLOW all that in while SCREAMING  INSIDE or I can be a COMPLETE ASSHOLE and ASK FOR A MOMENT  ALONE as I walk outside only to be targeted by WELL MEANING AND OVERTLY KIND PEOPLE WHO DOCTRINE OF BELIEF IS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER when in truth it's to site my emotional turmoil. 

Yea.....there is not option in not going. There is not option in that I have a viable physiological and physiological reason why I FREAK THE FUCK OUT! So no. There is no option out. 

Yes, I will be carrying a big flask. Yes, I will be on gin since I'm protesting Russian cruelty and not having vodka. And yes, I have snatched a few painkillers and will be seeking to numb the fuck out of me as people surround me and tell me how sad they are as try to incite horrible and screaming emotional pain from my family when I want to do is to have a small and isolated ceremony with select others who we knew and trust. But hey! PHOTOS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. LOL LOL LOL! DEAR FACEBOOKS I AM BE AT FUNERAL. YOLO! LOL LOL!

......ick. Yes, I am a cold bastard. I am a stone cold talk my way in and talk my way out cold bastard. And this stone cold bastard is going to be drunk and inebriated while I sit there, hold my family and let them morn and cry to their hearts content because hey, I have to and I am needed. 

Yea, I know. I'm a horrible person. 

I don't do death well.