I'm going to say a few things here since in all honesty I am hoping that you are reading this. Yes, I mean you. I had made a list of people who I honestly want to read this because the comes a time when we must make a parting of ways and we need to hit that one moment where we test our metal, do our acid test, and see what is and what is not. I am writing to you because I want to speak to you about this week and how everything seem to have reach one point in my life where no matter what everything has come to a single point of meaning. A single moment where everything that I am of worth has been tabulated to a small series of information that I honestly feel I need to say for fear of never taking another breath.
What I am saying to you is that there is a change in everything and it's completely different from the other points in my life where life has taken a sharp turn and had forced me to end a life and to begin a new one. I say this as a man who has lived lived roles that at that moment seemed to not only be endless, but seem to have dictate who I was and what purpose I served. For all this I can say that this moment is completely different since situation dictated action just as a fire would dictate you leaving for your own safety or you fall within the walls of flames and end you point then and there.
Here it's completely the opposite. Here my long analyzed and long pondered action has arrived at situation. I have arrived at a point where within the confine of time and space, I have finally realized that I've answered the question that has caused me me to search and question the root of the universe to the tips of my fingers as I wonder who I am and what value I am to you.
You have been there, some of you I've asked this question to in a point where I first lost control of my life and I wanted to know if my continued existence made any value of change in the lives who I've felt have made in mine. There is the moment where I realize that I have lost grip on what I considered as real and what I perceived as reality. and only a matter of minutes I've come to the conclusion where my question has already been answered without any answer provided by you or any answer you can provide. I have in truth, awakened to a moment where I've come to realize that I have been asleep in a final aspect and come to realize that all my efforts have bore fruit. Here I've come to realize that not only have my desperate act of change that has taken place with the death of another mentor, but in truth has freed me in a manner of speech.
And so, I'm going to tell you how it all made sense of me and simply hope that words do not fail me as well as my mind loosens to the noose that binds me from baring my soul to you in an act of openness and trust. A moment of trust that is not only rare for me, but I've finally realize that nothing.....nothing at all can hurt me. I want to share with you what I have accomplished, what I struggle, and what I eye as my final windmills before I can say I am whole and one.
1. I love you. With my very being. I have always loved you before I have ever met you. I have loved you in a way that I see you and see the perfection in humanity's promise and how the magnificence of our struggle in such a small moment of time leads us to err, struggle and to commit folly. I love you for your weaknesses, flaws, and inability to understand. I love you simply because we are all attempting to find what makes us Us and in some matter of time we have been given we desperately attempt to make things what we can do and hope it's best. And so I love you for not who you are only, but who you are attempting to become even if you can not achieve it. I don't care, I love you. Some I have physically loved, others I have shown affection and those of you I will never meet, but want you to know you are loved by me and no matter where you go or what may become of you, I love you and I will never stop loving you. This is who I am. It's who I am in nature and it's what was robbed from me by those who sadly beg my forgiveness time and time again never knowing that I can not forgive anyone who can not forgive themselves and that I do not hold any such remedy within me. I can only love you even if it hurts me. That is not my lot in life. I can only love you or love you at a safe distance. You are going to be loved. The only difference is that I am going to attempt to survive your interaction. It's my nature to love unconditionally. Not to be safe.
2. Understanding that I love you, I've also come to an understanding. I can not love you if I am biased and I have been due to the act of maturing. In my time alive I have not only gained a bias, but I come to realize that I have gained this bias that is not mine and never was mine. Throughout my time, I've developed the ability to absorb the fears and worries in my life that were not my own and that many times of others. These worries have not only burdened me but have forced me to question that I can not follow my nature at the same time carry biases that is not my own. I had spent 10 years tracing them and discovered that I have pulled these fears from others who in their own fear had given me their worries and their anxiety where I could not understand where someone would hurt me, or betray me, or even take an action that has never happened nor did I ever understand was not my own until now.In the matter or a few months I've realized that I have limited my fears to what are now my own and have shrugged off what isn't my own. I now wrestle with what is mine and I have walked away from the others as one would drop an unimportant item from their tightly gripped hands. And so I will share with you my fears:
- I fear not being loved, but in truth it's not right. I fear not having my love accepted. I now understand that if I give love freely it isn't mattered if it is not accepted nor returned. I only wish to commit acts of love and kindness that shows that I give the best of who I am willingly, shamelessly, and without fear of reprisal nor appraised value. I do have my moment where I will receded within and hide, but sooner or later I will build my strength to simply give. I will not care who accepts nor I ever take account to it. I will give and give as much as possible until I am not able to again.
- I feared that I lacked something within me to make me brave. I am for many reasons scared and yet it has take me years to discover that this fear is not only my own, but fostered by those who live within their own fear and have given all rights to it. No see that people are ruled prominently by some fear and they will not let it go for what ever imagined worse case that holds them hostage. Their actions and thoughts revolve around this until I realize that I can not declare their freedom as much as blind can not see their own blindness for what it is, a small limitation. I do not want to be ruled by my fear nor allow those who do living within their confides to make this fear worse. So I acknowledge my fear and will fight it. There will be days I shall triumph and I shall bask in the glory of overcoming difficulty. There will also be days I an forced back from any progress and I will simply bolster my attempts once more and rally my efforts once more. I am not brave all the time, but I am stubborn and I refuse to be ruled by anything and anyone, despite how I may see it or not.
- I fear how I am because I have a low sense of value to my person. As great as it is to be humbled, if I do not learn to bask in the sun I will never teach others to do so either. It's something that makes me know that I am ugly, stupid, slow, lazy, and simply not worth the time of others. And yet, I've learned from fact and lesson that the value of something is dropped only to manipulate it and to take full hold of it's inner value in order to control it for their whims. SO, I shall never be worth more than what I am, but I am also going to value myself for who I am since I know that I carry those around me who have much to gain for me continuing to believe in my lesser being. This has to end if only to show others that everyone is worth the trouble and effort. Even me.
- I fear that I will fail others and disappoint them. I've learned wrongfully that I am only valued by what I can do for others. And as much as I love to give, I am in no way happy with being used. I am in now way joyed for being used as a whore , or item, or shown as disposable. I will raise those up and above me for an ideal that greatness means raising other above myself, yet I now refuse to carry anyone else's banners and fight in their frays. I will back someone up. I will rally them and assist them in what they need, but I am not their savior nor would want to be. I will help whoever asks me, but the moment I feel that I am a laborer rather than a companion, then I am out.
- I have trust issues. I have been fucked over many times and left for dead. Literally. I have been hurt and mistreated and only now I realize that I have issues with trust. Not just because I don't offer it, but because when I do in the end I am the one left alone and left unguarded. I look after others more than they have ever looked after me. I am shy, recluse and distant because it. I have been hurt in every way. I had shared stories that made others cry and in truth I never tell because they simply stop seeing me as someone who needs a bit of kindness and love and someone who is broken, garbage, not worth the trouble. And yet there are others who dive from so far to pick me up to be near them. There are those who beg me to go to them to see them once more. I have people who search me out, ask for forgiveness, and even those who have realized that I WAS the best thing in their life. I don't toot horns nor do I brag, but I have been good for many people just as some of you have been wonderful to me. And I struggle to trust, but sadly I can not. So my only solution is the trust fall paradox. I will simply fall and know I will fall hard. I will brace for my mistreatment and hurt. *sad smile* I will know when I'm getting fucked over and still walk through it if only to provide a lesson for a future time. I will cry my eyes out. And yes, I do. Just not in visible light. And I will move on. And sadly one day people will seek me out and ask for forgiveness or they will not. It does not matter. I just know they realize that I am more reasonable that I look, I do not yell or harm others, and I only want to work at something to make it stronger even if the solution is to say good bye. And yet, I know it's only a matter of time because it will happen to me. It's my only way I can mimic trust and know people I love will hurt me. It's just how it is and it will always be that way.
- Lastly, I'm afraid to be alone and I fear isolation. I have always been the odd one out and am comfortable, but I have been isolated from so many for many reasons that I simply isolate myself than to deal with the issue of being toss aside. You can not throw away what is already trashed. And so, I have to treat my time as valuable as it is and more. I am not going to put myself out there simply because I care for someone more than they will ever care for me or even value my effort. Those days are over. I have also realize that I will change any monetary fee for my time, not because my time is worth money, but because people do not understand that I see my time and my time with them as precious and if no one realize it I will take that monetary payment from them or simply no allow my time to be squandered. As I said, I love you, but I am not going to be abused for it. I will simply love you from a safer distance.
3. I acknowledge that there is no set in how things must be done and every person has their own experience and understanding on how they see moment in life. I know that now, yet I hope never to force my own experience as dogma as well as hope other's do not do so either. As much as I appreciate dialogue and exchange of ideas I refuse to be told what is right and what is wrong as well as what I can and can not do. That ends now and is never going to happen. I love you all, but no one tells me what to do. You can challenge my thoughts and sway my idea on way or anther, but if you assume that you have the solution and there is not means of a different answer or means of arriving at the same conclusion then I apologize for wasting you time and I shall be on my way, once again, to a safe distance.
4. In understanding all that had transpired and how my life had changed with a new clarity of what I worked so hard to make things right I understand that now is the moment. I act now and say what is on my mind now. I may take time to reflect, but if I tell you something that you can not accept that is not on me, especially if I had spent the matter of time to ponder my action, motive, worth, my hopes, my meaning and purpose, and my goal to say what I say. If I say something from now on I will simply say it and move on. If others can not deal with my response it's not on me. I do not say things to harm others nor would I want to manipulate them to abuse nor to gain some favor while causing harm. If any such results may happen I always apologize and I always attempt to right what wrong that is committed. I have already shown many around me that I do not act to hurt nor abuse others and it's not my nature to do so. So I am already on my own case. IF you have issue then I apologize and will suggest that you deal with your own reactions and reasoning for assuming I would do you harm. Sorry, I know there is asshole and know first hand that they have hurt me in ways that I attempt to move on and do with is able to be done. I am not them. I don't want to hurt anyone and I would rather leave anyone's presence than to be placed as a threat or harming factor. Perhaps one day you can realize that I mean no harm. I'm not going to hold any breath not any hurt feelings for anyone thinking so. I want to love others and give the best of me and move on. I'm not waiting on anyone. Time is limited and I realize now that I could have been at this point in my life rather than the hellish existence I had lived before.
5. I want you to ask yourself a question. I want you to ask it if I never mentioned it to you or ponder it once more if I already said it to you because it still stands. The question is, why are we friends? I want an answer. Maybe not here, but I want to know. Why is this? Why do I attempt to fight the world for when it takes me so far away from you only to struggle back near you once more. Why are we friends? What do I offer you? Is there anything I offer you? Is that unique? Is it valuable? Do you have that with others? Why is it important? Why am I asking you this? Why would I ever ask you this? Why do you think I want you to think on this? Why would I take the time and mention it in the first place? Why?
....just a few questions I ask every moment when we are or are not near. OR if I never met you what I will question myself on. I do it. Can you?
And so I am going to say that is that and turn in. I hope this settles some things and help you understand that I have spent the last 9 months now not only trying to understand why I should be alive, but in truth why I should not take my life.
And now a loaded question, did you know I was going to take my life this year?
......
So, yes. I've been fighting for my life. Some years now, but especially now. I've come to realize that if I do not take some action I am not going to exist anymore. So.....what did I have to lose outside of the desire to live? So I put everything up to ante and I wanted to know why I wanted to live. I answered those hard questions and I realize that I didn't want to live like I have been and so, with the help of friends who didn't know my means and motives I fought for my life and......I'm doing better. I have hard days. I have easy ones. I have days where my fears are rampant and I have days where nothing pulls me down. I have moments where I lay and wonder where I made my mistakes and I have moments that I have to scream from the mountain tops and I arrive at an easy answer.
Regardless if I do live or die, I refuse to go quiet. I'm not going down silent. I am going to scream all the way down and see who pulls me back out. And few of you who were or were not paying attention grabbed on.
Thank you.
So.....yea.
Thank you.
I would have left, just like others without you even wondering why I left or much less why I left.
But I'm just one who was pulled back.
And so just to drive home the point.
Do you know anyone one else is planning the same?
How do you know?
Do you really?
Just a parting thought. You honestly think you have time. Live for now and remind others how you feel. All we have left in the world in our worse are our memories.
Good night.
I love you.
