Shower Epiphany: Tugging against the Remaining Shackle, Never understanding it does not exist

*My apologies with the skip of time and space. This post comes before Shower Epiphany: Finally Feeling the Remaining Shackle Give Way. So if you are a bit confused this entry lead to the before mentioned. Sowwies. I promise not to cause anymore confusion.....or at least try not to.*

Had to read a bit of Gladwell's Outliers before going to sleep again. I'm quite convinced that I'm very literarily lucky. I seem to stumble onto the right books when I need them the most. Momenta when I contemplate certain thoughts it actions that may have some certain or drastic change in my life I am usually rewarded with my intellectual gamble after several months of contemplation. This process has not only rewarded me for patience I never had, but my hidden ability to deeply ponder or "grok" the long potentials of chosen ideas or path. Only after long months of mental debate can I honestly see if I'm actually right.

I can see how this talent or what some consider a nuisance can be hindering to many and why some have seeker to hinder my train of thought as if I would end up disproving why I should or shouldn't do something ans knowing once I arrive at my answer it would only reinforce my stubborn nature in knowing that my "math" is correct. I can see why I've seen it as a curse or the reason why I can nor sleep, yet I understand now. I see why my reluctance to think deeply unnerved others who in truth were threatened.

I am difficult to reason, tempt, and threaten once I reach at a conclusion. My sense of right and hypocrisy is too strong. I can even seen why some individuals broke up with me. In the end the feared that I would reason them away instead adore and favor them more. I understand now. I understand why "Charlie horse" myself and choose to hide my thoughts or "drink the cough syrup ".

I'm a bit sad and disappointed now. I understand. I feel as if I owe apologies to others and yet I feel I've been treated like my attractive counterparts and found beautiful to the eye ans yet told to cover up by the insecure. Their issues have become my own and it have not only made me feel unattractive, but also undesirable and unwanted.

Damn.

I get it now. And I laughed at the concept of being so attractive that you repulse. I've been so bright that I somehow insult those closest to me. Heartbreaking.

I get it now but heartbreaking all the same. Now I get the whole "shhhhh" thing.

Relieved yet disappointed by others and how I am seen. Still "ugly" no matter what.

*Sigh*