Shower Epiphany: Sympathy for the Cold Bastard.

Ok....this is me taking a moment to deal with this since I'm trying.......trying.....words fail me at what I am trying to convey here on the level of how much I AM TRYING to be a different person, a new more open person because if I kept this up I would have been gone a few months ago, so try to understand I'm trying on a level of a man fighting for his life. Seriously, I want you to take the value of what I am saying here now. If you have spent any time with me this year you know I'm doing everything in my ability to change who I am because I'm at the end of what I am now.

And it's killing me.

Are you getting the fucking clue how I am trying?

I still doubt you.

That does not matter and somehow it never did. What I want to say at this moment does. So those of you trying your best to figure me out will get one. That's right, one. Call it 11/12/13. Call it losing my grandmother. Call it that I've been cornered by my 12th, yes I counted person who if showing their sympathies by touching me and still wondering what's wrong with me.

And yet it's because I'm going to respond to one statement.

"You're a cold person."

I'm not going to tell you who said it. That's not important. I'm just going to respond since normally I would just keep keeping on and keep moving. I'm going to do something not me and tell you what I'm dealing with and how it's messing with me and I'm even going to tell you what's my natural response.

Yes, I'm a cold person. I'm a very cold person. If you knew me 20 years ago or so you would find another person. I would be bawling and crying my eyes. The difference from him and me is 20 years of hard life to one lesson which I taught my children and still teach others. You can cry your eyes out. You can fall apart and just drop to the ground and scream at the heavens until you are horse and your eyes are red and painful, but you have to at one point or another have to get up and keep moving. That is the solution to moving on. The only difference here is you can do it with red, tired eyes or you can do it without them. I choose not to cry. I know this is not good. I haven't come to terms with her death yet and I don't know how.

My natural sense if to keep busy and move on. My learned behavior is to move on and start damage control and to keep moving. It has been at least my mother's 6th time crying today and I have yet to shed one tear. In the end of this week I have to go to a wake, a funeral, and speak for my family oh her behalf. I know what I am going to say in the way where words will simply be there and I will just go with a flow of a mind that never rests. It's what I do. I'm used to this more than I am used to anything else. It's life. It's my experience. It's what I'm used to simply because I was third born, but only one to survive.

I'm a survivor after all. It's what I do. And yet I know it's killing me.

And yet, even the devil gets sympathy so why not I?

When there comes a time I will finally sit down and let go of everything, but as I write this now that will not happen until January is here. I'm a distant person because regardless of choice or not I do not have to ability to break down. The moment I do everything hits a screeching halt. I have to keep things moving. I have to keep the pace and even threaten the minister holding services that I am going to beat the living shit out of him/her if they decide to make this a crying session. My family have cried enough. It's time they have peace. And to have that peace some people have to be that one person to carry that weight.

That's me. If I don't everything goes to hell. Quickly.

So, no I'm not going to join in and cry and morn and suffer. I'm going to carry my burden and everyone elses burden until I can't anymore. That is what is killing me. My whole attempt this year has been to leave what is not mine, own up to my own crazy and to somehow figure out how I continue with life at that point. I know I promised alot of you people that I would take things to my grave, but I never promised to die for your secrets.

I know some of you have tried to somehow reach me as some would. I'm sorry I have not fallen into your arms and cried my eyes out. The last time I have ever done that was almost 10 years ago and I realize it does not help. I don't ask for others to carry my weight or carry my cross. That's not going to happen. There have been women who have know me for years and they still have to have me show certain acts of trust that most have a long checklist for. Not going to happen. The last real relationship I was in she started to understand just a bit I was going through after months of trying to convince me that I should "let her in".

Sorry, but at this point I realize that letting anyone in means they are going to be leaving soon. Just how it is. So no, we are not going to have those moments like in Good Will Hunting or in the end of the Godfather. I'm not going to fall into your arms. I'm not going to share some dark secret that you think I have or that I am keeping you from knowing. I'm not going to tell you why I can't sleep at night, what scares me so much, how I almost lost my mind, or the dark creature that lives in my cellar that  I must ...feed.....time to time. Nope, not going to happen. I'm going to carry this weight and I'm going to die with it.

So no, I'm not going to let you in and "save me".

That's just beyond fucking stupid.

I will tell you what I will do.

I will have cocoa with you. I will ask you about your day. I will help you do your laundry  and if you are lucky I will show you what I can do with a black bra to make you laugh so hard that you forget that you are "trying to save me". I will have a drink with you. I will talk about your problems, figure out if they are into you, and even help you understand the difference between teasing and tempting.

If you REALLY want to make me happy you can make me laugh. You can act as is life is still normal because it's not for me. I crave normalcy and boredom. Hand me cookie or treat me to a happy moment where cookies will be there. I am looking for a happy silent moment because those are the moments that I live for. so instead of making me break down give me a moment to feel normal. Or just hang out. Go fig, no?

So no, I'm not breaking down. I'm not going to fall into anyone's arms and feel that I need someone to lean on. I am cold if this is your definition of me feeling better. I will enjoy a moment of your precious time and will cross hell and back if you can make me feel.....normal.

So that said, stop trying to make me cry, fuckers! I don't work that way! If you're luck I might share with you something if you stop making try to share.

Geesh....now if you will excuse me I'm going to drink sake until I pass out.