I'm going with a new font and size. I need glasses and I realize I hate proof reading because I can't see a thing. I know, it's dumb, but sometimes I don't see the easy solution in front of me when I can just build the newest Acme Rube Goldberg device approved by Willie Coyote.
Ok, not important, really......it is sort of, but not the point....get with the point...what's a thesis again?
*takes in breath and begins*
My sessions with the Crazy Doc has been inching me through some of the roots of my mistrust of people for some time, although I can tell he's been trying to get close enough to some of the elephants in the room that I may or may not understand or even see. I say this not being the type of person to deny someone's understanding of their craft and practice. I'm usually the first person to allow myself physically to trust someone's intuition and action. When I get a hair cut from from one who know how to cut hair I usually question their ability with difficult hair, considering that every hair cut I've ever received that was not a short length usually looks entirely different then what was intended. The present person who cuts my hair does such a great job at it I actually wait until she can cut it again. She calls it a "free cut". I call it just looking human after the cut.
I'm not going to beat around the bush, I know I'm difficult even though I honestly don't mean to be. Often time I try to understand what I'm either lacking or perhaps I happen to carry something extra that prevents me from sometimes fitting in. Considering that I've lived my life as an only child and missed out on a lot of social interaction with other people my age, I've learned that I have to be my best playmate. Something about having another child in the function that helps you realize that you are one, you are not the center of the universe and two, that you're connected to others and your actions affect them as much as it affects you. It's funny I write that now since I always thought that I understand that. I'm always thinking about everyone else that I realize I never been the topic of my own focus or that I also need something along the way.
I'm going to assume you already know what my roots are to this because I'm sure fucking tired of even explaining it, but in a short summery that annoys me more then anything here it goes. Long line of family trauma. Grandfather died when mother was 9 she had to take over the livelihood of the family as well as raising siblings and a mother prone to fainting spells? Hell, she past away two years ago or so and I still don't know what happened with her considering that there must be a cabal ritual I have to pass to get any answer that I at this point stop caring about. Yet all this paranoia, fear and even self doubt and pessimism has more then affected me in an almost needy/militant way of caring for others or just not caring for myself. At least my father's contribution of sarcastic asshole with puckish sense of humor who should never be allowed to be bored help balance the train wreck I call a life. Yea, so part of me want to nurse and look after others. Another part of me want to say "fuck it", and just lay on the ground as the world goes by.
Fun.
Huh....still beating around the bush. I'm going to cut to the bone now. Right or wrong, I never built up this thick skin that allows me not to care about people to the degree that I wonder why I'm not in their lives or even important to them. I know it has something to do with not having boundaries and basically a lot and I mean a lot of shit people have gotten their way with me. I think this part hurts the most because I've had my moments when I'm cradling broken people in my arms while they sob heavy to having to restrain others for something stupid they did or took until they regain their fucking senses, some of them molesting me, another part of them beating me up, an odd chuck of them almost too big to assume that I didn't get a overly generous portion of people who do both. Yet I always call it "doing the right thing at the right time". I never am the one who mutters, "not my monkeys, not my zoo" and walks away, especially since I'm just learning to walk away.
I guess the idea that germinated with me was from a friend who mentions she may have gained a bit of my personality where I'm too open, too blatant, and at the point where my fucks have been given away and my shoulders are tired from shrugs. Giving it more thought I realize I see the world's people as a gamble. There are moments where I don't know if I'm going to be entertained or on duty with most people that I usually carry an aura of malice to just scare off the world in hopes of the bad people not getting near me. The second is a blatant, nonchalant attachment to people. I know at a certain point that if I don't connect with people I can walk away. Yet once I remember their name and a bit about themselves I seem to carry them with me. Some people I carry sweet and loving moments and other the last sip of cold coffee not realizing someone has placed their butts in the mug and you just had that going down your throat. So my most important line of defense is malice aura and just being distant.
It's here where I can't understand. If someone wants to get a hold of you, they will cross hell and back and do whatever they can to spend 5 minutes with you. Those people who do not you can not move mountains for a second of their time. They disappear and they even try to remove the shadow of themselves. Being someone who has some history of picking out diamonds from excrement I know that its a crap shoot. The friends that I do have are worth more then the world to me and are precious. Yet there are times where we do not sync up. Some have families. Other amazing careers. Some have their finger on the pulse of the world and others are just popping up as they pop out. So I have a "live it up now because we die tomorrow" mentality when it comes to my friends. I often feel like I won't get all of their time or even that this already is an allotment that they are going to regret so I savor it as much as I would blue rare steak and caviar. I know these things are not every day things and I have no issue indulging, especially when I live on sawdust and mist. I don't even scarf them down. I want to savor the moment and burn the memory into as much detail possible so that I can least retell the moment to live it once more while I suffocate on my sawdust.
If I honestly give it some more thought I realize that the person I gain this fucked up mantra was probably the first person I should have stayed away from. To dance around the issue that somehow feel way to fucking raw for the time passed I was almost something forbidden. Most surely taboo to them as they realize that I was the most needful thing they have come upon, almost as if realizing that you are now focusing on your own breathing sort of way. I never really felt important, even though I have been spoiled, I never felt as if I mattered to anyone, even now, and I think this might be why. Meeting someone who find you as the most needed thing in the world is beyond intoxicating. It's the best fucking hit of anything, speaking as someone who loves coffee, yet never had anything stronger then prescription opiates. The idea of someone scarfing the essence of you down, that disparity is almost erotic to me if I think about it. That need that someone has for you that they grab you and pull you down, not realizing they're hurting you. That desperate need for this thing is a rush. And yet, I can not help to realize how empty it is. To pull from Jane's Addiction, I honestly only know when someone wants me.
Not even going to begin to figure it out if this is an issue with love or need or whatever. Too messy and I don't have a headlamp and guide. I have to remain functional and I don't have a lick of booze to call my own. I will dance on the edge as I always do since I do have that suicidal tendency of living as close to the cut.
So I know what a fucked up relationship in all of it's aspects and shades. I understand all of the difficulties and trappings and yet, you'd think I'd master what IS a good one from just going the other direction. Not as easy as you'd imagine. Sometimes it's the difference between a degree where you either freeze or fry. So here, I can honestly say that I had adventure, many I did not want. Some have left scars on me that don't heal and others just phantom pains reminding that I can never really fit in. The hard look always gives me away and much like birds of a same feather, I'm attracted to the haunting look of pain in other people's eyes, hoping that someone understand what my wound is as much as I want to understand theirs. It never works out that way. I usually become a temporary bandage that holds for the time, yet there comes a moment where the wearer finds me in disgust of having served my duty and then pulls me away in revulsion and tosses me aside as one would something useless.
Useless, if there ever was a loaded word as this.
So I know when someone wants me and when they don't. It's hard to build a life with anyone like that, and I don't even mean sexually or romantically. I just mean routine. I'm as fucked up as most, but give me a routine and I'll use it as a staff to keep me upright. I'll live up to it and even make it flourish, hiding the moments I fall and break. And yet, I can say that I do try to be courteous to the needs for others, as previously mentioned. I know I can be abrasive so I go away. I return when they ask and not of my own volition. I'm just too used to being tossed aside to have that self esteem. I'd rather return with request then to chance people with getting rid of me.
There are times when I attract the Doe eyes of fascination. Innocent, almost fan-girl attraction where I mean something, I don't know? At this age, I think it's daddy issues if the people who come near me try to justify their proximity with, "I'm mature". This is where the self realization comes in. I know they're easy prey and I can just take the fluff offered as a kind of sacrifice and recreate myself. Everyone does it. Hell, I'm still cougar bait, oddly enough. I've even met some young hard eye vamps who somehow figured age is nothing, need is more. Either way, I keep a healthy distance between them and I. I know, I fucking know! There ARE those moments where I do say, "ok, wow....those are nice....and they look so much fun and I'm not hesitant in not doing so because of that, but I need to warn you that I might ruin you as a person as someone ruined me SO.....yea.....please put your top back on, please?"
You will never get so much of a physical and mental "what the fuck" from your inner self then these moments where you did the right thing because it's right, but seriously! So yes, there are many of these and I do smash my head into the mirror in regret trying to utter, "you did what's best". Guilt is a bitch. I can not feed on you people like the predator when I see Bambi's eyes. I know, fuck me. I have a conscious. A loud, fucking annoying one that prevents me from getting laid and just being fucking care free, but a conscious all the same.
.....give me a moment.....
ok.
So, yea....I have trust issues and I know I am bothersome as much I am tempting at times, as if I am the last soda in the desert, even when I feel like I'm strawberry soda.....which is gross....that shit is wrong among wrong. I honestly feel I should be lucky with what I have and if I get myself ok enough, I'd like a dog also. That's as much as I can expect. House with picket fence? Nope. Monogamous relationship without any negativity. Not going to hold my breath or wait for Sandy Claws. Hell, open relationship with various people enough to keep the boredom away, yet fulfilling enough to keep one satisfied? I have the hunch the moment I get near it it would implode. So, yea. If I can manage coffee while walking a dog, I'm happy. I'll take that as a victory.
..........and yet, I can't help to miss people. Not as a particular person or group, just as a norm. I mean, to have a friend that stays a friend after a year or so or at least till the newness leave me is what I'm used to. After a point I realize that I'm straining to just see people and even like this I'm not going to be important in your life. I'm not even going to be an afterthought. So...why bother. I pull away easy. I regress to my youth where I had to find my own enjoyment with what I had and just keep me ok. I talk to myself, sometimes even argue. I read and do whatever I can to pass the time. I nap a lot, you can 't be sad when you nap. I walk and sometimes I even chance the crowd and blend in just to see where it goes. There's freedom in not being important. No one notices you and you often see people as they really are. It's jading, sure. Yet it's honest. I'm too used to this bluntness. It's why people think I'm carefree. I'm not. I just know I'm not even close to being important to others and the I know if I am important I'm only important as the image they made me to be. Some intangible character who I never was, will, or going to be instead of who I really am. And to them, that's more then enough. Then I become a fetish. I become what they want and I feel dirty and I realize I don't want people. I will go away. I will sit in my closet. I may even shed a tear, if possible.
Somehow I come to realize I was always someone's fetish instead of who I am. I think that's how I lose myself trying to make them happy with what I never was.
So this is why I keep away. If lucky, I will discover a friend who means the world to me. Someone who I love wholeheartedly and can be myself with. These are the oasis that make me question my existence. I'm fine with this or being a fetish, but when you realize that both existences clash and that you can honestly be one of your choosing, you wonder why you can't. There is nothing more refreshing then a great friend, almost like your favorite song or food. You even ration them to keep that special magic of them in hopes of never losing it or even becoming a burden to them. Like I keep saying, I'm hard to live with or at least that's what I hear. It may be true or not, but I'm not going to ever chance it. Losing people that see me as nothing takes a toll and I realize I should have enough of a thick skin to protect me, but I don't. I can't even imagine losing these precious people.....oh, wait.....I can.
Never mind.
.....so, yea.
How do I even recap this?
I don't......I leave it as empty and unfulfilling as anything else. That's the thing, there is no closure to this. There is only something then nothing. No end or even reason. Just.....nothing but doubt and confusion.
Like now.
Sorry.
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