I know I should have had something up and running by noon today, but being a victim of circumstance and volatile to the changing of the winds and such, I didn't get a finished piece out by deadline. In all honesty, I'm a chaotic creature who clings to monotony in chance to create some sort of order and to actually get the trains moving on time. As much as I would love to just vent up things here and see where they go, I have to say that they're usually limiting and almost a bit dull considering that I always feel that I track out a talented pony who knows on thing well and it also probably doesn't help that I really hate writing about myself on a fundament level as much as I like using the words "I".
Self-hatred, right? I mean, if you're going to do it, might as well do it well.
And yet, I do my best to at least offer some structure or innovation to what I'm feeling some 25 years too late when I should have stayed in my time line and angst about not seeing boobs or such instead of starting a family and becoming the creature out of synch with the rest of humanity. So excuse me if I do feel emo in a Moressy/ Curs sort of way. I've never learned to balance myself between the tightrope of self in order to remain away from narcissistic douche and creature that lives underneath the seclusion of a heavy bolder, somehow deciding one extreme is valued over another.
And yet, I have several pieces in different forms of competition that I'm happy with, yet nothing whole to offer you all in order to appease the rut of my ego and the imaginary boredom I believe you have in reading my insane babblings. Through chaotic moments and even some structured effort I can usually knock out a few hours on something burning in my mind for months now and somehow give it a chance to be view publically while others I simply just spew what I can not contain any longer in a pain emission of all the gross bits I've been trying to keep down. I will never be the Wordsworthian poet who can simply state that "Flower is pretty" or even the unimaginative grouping of lyric writers who sit in a room in order to shove out some rhythmic shit pile that most people won't even understand unless they want to quote some imposed deepness on to us all, only to discover that "you a hoe, stupid stupid hoe" somehow does not rival with the likes of Mandella or even Carlin.
And yet, I feel I must offer you, loyal reader, some retribution for even clicking on my dribble even if you still do not realize that the net offers more such as kitty vids, porn, and even silly individuals who eat what they never should to only suffer "da views". With that, I'll just attempt to cut to the bone once more and just offer some momentary insight to my tardiness.
On top of my head, I can say I've missed two sessions with Crazy Doc, one being an emergency on is part and other being a pulled ham muscle that limited my mobility for some time. Although I do feel "fine" with trademark rainbows and puppy dogs, I can't help to feel a bit mehish at times, especially when writing and now knowing I can not lean upon my lethal temptress on numbing any more of my mind ramblings as it once had. I was told that it would lose it's potency especially with attempts to reconcile past trauma and that I would have to develop other methods of compensation to silence the constant thoughts in my mind that often times seem like Parlament and at worse Merica congress. So digging up things that make me feel vulnerable is pretty much pulling out all the roots. It's leaving me with high alcohol levels and not silence near. It leaves me understanding that one may never take refuge in one's vices since they only desire to kill us under a smart guise of DUDE BRO.....yes, even pot. All vices kill despite their lethality simply because you'll give them the means and time to. Anything with enough concentration will kill you, especially with blind eye and abandonment.
I've also been.....frustrated. Of late. There is only so much exercise I can do before my body screams in protest and muscle popping before I can feel at peace. Also considering I haven't thrown a punch in more than a year's time and my go to funnel of exhaustion has clogged. Now I'm having to deal with trust issues and meaning over a primordial need to flesh and .......give me a moment.......yea.....let's just cut this short and say that being celibate for 9 years is taking it's toll, especially now that we're dealing with trust and boundaries and nothing tries to get out then a chained dog seeing it's collar loosened. I really don't think reliving my 20's......give me a moment......um ....yea.....next topic.
I'm experiencing some sadness now. In waves. More like grief. I was told that I was going to feel something else than anger and grief just decided to show up and sleep on the fucking couch. I'm trying to deal with, but it comes up at odd times. Moments where normal people say, "look at the kitty" can have me curled up. I hate to say triggers, but yea, I get it now. They're needed because the past 20 years, just being kind and not saying since the first slave trader walked on shore, have been rough on most of us and now that the world is trying to be a bit more compassionate in Islands surrounded by "Fuck you faggot, my hemi is awesome, get gud, homo fag don't tread on me", I kind of find myself on the beach of said landmass if only for a small amount of time to heal and get charged up before more hell comes my way.
Also.....I'm exhausted. I'm trying to catch up on some sleep and no matter how much I get it's hard to maintain. Given with everything else I'm trying and some days I sleep in an hour. Others I nap and such. Keeping up with eating enough to support my metabolism and just trying to become depressed and chuck everything to the trash, I'm trying. Sleep is needed and desired. Well, it's one of few things desired that I can actually get.
I think I've bought enough time now. I'm going to nap a bit and then get back on my structured writing. Thank you for your patience and please continue to laugh at the nonsense I continue to offer you.
Okies, I loves you buh bye.
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