Will You Run Out Excuses Before I Run Out of Words? or How To Justify that You Should Not be Executed On the Spot

There really isn't a lot of reasons why I write. I can say that the strongest reason why I do so is that I am not eloquent in any way although I do have a knack for it at times. If given enough time and preparation I can make myself the center of attention and begin to speak within the moment. Considering that I have a harsh difficulty, if it can be called that, in not being able to lie without every living creature realizing that I'm not only horrendous, but that it's almost an insult to people that would try. Not having much of an ability to even guild the lily in order to save my hide, I've been burdened to tell the truth as bluntly as possible. Thankfully I've learned a few things doing so.

1. No one believes you anyways
2. It gives you a chance to use some sort of eloquence and tact when tasked to reveal something that may just hurt their feelings and in some extreme case your feelings also. 
3. If done tactically you can tell anyone anything. That's the true test of eloquence. Can you make people swallow the truth when they want a particular answer?
4. It weeds people from you very quickly. 
5. If you can tell someone something you hold back on you are free. "I love you". "I despise you and everything you stand for." "Yes, I was looking at her butt. It's a nice butt. You should join me in looking at it. If I was able to I'd do things to that butt that we'd both enjoy. Hell, if you lay your cards right I'll even let you watch"

I'm being a bit facetious on that last one, but I'm not too far from what I told a friend. I mean in that case I was busted in looking at our server's cute butt in her black jeans and it was nice. Considering that it was a sight to actually make me stop conversation and that I had no romantic feelings with the friend who I was having lunch it was a freeing moment.

So.....yea. A little levity for you. For me more. I'm trying to lighten the mood a bit because as I started out here I was going with why I write and for what reason.

And that was such a cute butt. Not big or anything. A cute butt because it was petite and so adorable. I wouldn't have looked at her twice, but man.....that was a cute butt. Ah.....but enough with me treating a woman like a piece of meat......I'd nibble on that butt too....so cute.....ok, back to track.....

But yea, there are moments in life just like this one with the cute server's butt in black jeans who bent to pick up a spoon where I am able to communicate verbally with people, even in crowds given enough prep, but I can assure you that outside of two people I've never spoken to anyone about this cute girl with rich dark short hair and a glorious smile about her cute butt. Some things I can do with speech and others I can do withy written words. Writing gives me a time to reflect and actually relive in the moment. She wore a blue denim color long sleeve shirt, Long dark apron that honestly covered most of her until she knelt down facing away from me and lifted this perfectly round butt. There was no sight of the color of her underwear or even skin, but those jeans were hugging her beautiful rear not as skinny jeans would, but just a well-worn pair used daily in a labor intensive job of food service. She had blue studs in her ears too.

Woa....see.....I just remembered that moment just with writing. As I used to say, I have a silver tongue, but golden fingers. I do much better given space and the right mind frame. So....yea, I'm going to say bye bye to our cute server with the cute butt and rich dark brown eyes that just kept me from looking at her face. Sometimes people are just way too pretty for me to look at. I can't help feeling that towards "beautiful people" (i.e. anyone not me). I'm going to let this pleasant imagery go and really cut to the bone now and deal with what's really churning my stomach with bile.

Above all, my writing is a defense mechanism. Back when I was younger and my stutter was bad I could not express myself as well. I've grown of course and I'm able to speak to most people given a certain amount of abandonment I must intake in order to be able to function. I'm the kind of person who collects bad feelings without trying and there have been times my writings have saved me from acts of violence, forcing me to come to terms with what I'm not able to process. Just as I had described my server more than 10 years ago it helps me focus enough on what is truly bothering me if I just give it enough time. If I can just get the literal ball rolling I'll be able to get that momentum revving and pointed to where I need it.

And I honestly do need it right now.

I've been avoiding writing because I know I'm going to have to expell bile, anger, fear, confusion, and a whole lot of hurt in this moment. And somehow just approaching a blank page and vomiting acid onto the screen is not something most people want to read and it's something I can not endure to write, even if it does help me. I would rather write about how cute the server's rear was and maybe even get inventive, changing my true timeline to one where as I was paying our bill I asked for her number and even an opportunity to talk to her on safe and measured ground to not look like a monster. I know people often look at me and see "SCARY". I know that. People cross streets, clutch purses, and hold cell phones as if their lives are in danger was we share an elevator. I'm more then sensitive towards their fear and I'll do what I can to seem non-threatening, but it often does weight me down at times.....she how I'm transitioning here....and even put myself in a less dominant position. I don't mean to make people fear me and I understand if only to recognize that I've been there and I was terrified of the world myself. Not to downgrade, considering the lives of people, yet sometimes I tire of being "SCARY" to people.

It's another saving grace of mine. Exercising my verbal IQ prevents people who have spoken to me to put me in a predetermined category. One of "thug" or "minority suspect". Being the "self def dummy' for more than a decade I've learned that when a class begins women fear me and I need them to fear me. I need to play on their fears to help them realize that there may be a moment where adrenaline pumps and they won't be able to think and only immediate action can ensure their safety. Yet as time progresses they realize that I speak softly, almost tenderly. I have immense patience and even "kind eyes". That I can be collected, intelligent, and kind. That I will allow them to bring my over 200 lb frame down into a mercy position and emphasizing to them that I can be brought down and dealt with if they are diligent, swift and unforgiving. It's a cost to pay to empower women. To make them strong and show them the worth of backing up their worthless no with power to make it stand. To teach them that they should use their illusion of being frail, dainty, a bit heavy, pocket-sized and able to be picked up, weak and any other adjective used to dehumanize them into victim rather than the fierce creature of fury that they really are.

So I play into my stereotype to help, yet I know it also hinders. I've been in positions where I know someone given the means pull out a weapon and shoot at me causing me to fall upon the ground to bleed out. That my large frame is intimidating upon view and if I'm doing anything not normal I can, and in many situations have faced moments where my life could have been taken. Often times people do not see a person attempting to reenter their vehicle in broad daylight and in the view of everyone and taking as long as an hour. What they see is street crime. They do not question if it's their vehicle, they see a criminal. I do not have the luxury of the benefit of the doubt despite if they actually take the moment to read into the situation they see that it's almost a Men In Black moment where either you have the most incompetent criminal breaking in or someone having a really fucked up day. It's why when I get police coming my way, I wave at them to get their attention even though they're coming for me. I don't have much to hide really. And I know given enough time, even in the back of a patrol car, I can vouch for myself.

Given the fact that I'm not attractive enough to say, "hello, I'm Brad Pitt...." I learned every quickly that I need a pitch and I need a good one. I don't send dick pics, I send fully written messages where grammar is utilized and I use as much literary elbow grease to help argue my point of say, 'you should really give me the time of day in a safe measure and distance and you'll realize I'm a kind, thoughtful person you may be able to spend time with". So give, I can say "send nudes' or even "how big are your tits" even if I am thinking it. I have to pitch woo and speak my already hindered mind with the truth and hope that I get someone's attention for them to honestly say, "oh....my breasts? They're lovely! Would you like to see them? In person? I'd love for you to admire them! You seem safe enough to ensure you won't kill me and might even call the next day I show you my breasts!"

Ha ha...I'm trying to have fun with this.

Yea, if I am in the back of a police car like I have many times before I have to be respectful, kind, not give lip, not seem threatening and even answer with caution because everything can and will be used against me even though I do have my keys locked in, with my bag inside with my id and at least 20 things inside that I can vouch it being my vehicle. Shoot, for preservation means I have to take control of the conversation and say things that they will not imagine me to say. "Officer, could you please help me?" "I'm so frazzled I might start crying in a minute." "I'm not having a good day and I needed to be on the road an hour ago." All the while making my movements deliberate, slow and non-threatening. And mind you, as innocent as I never seem I usually end up with them laughing and even apologizing for the moment. Because in the end, I'm not carjacking, gang banging (80's lingo not now you perv), and not taking part in Brown on any other color crime. I'm having a bad day as a good citizen and I really could use the help.

"DO you want me to call the police!?!?"
"Could you? I need help and you are not being helpful."

That always makes people confused. Embarrassed they even try to save face or bravado with "Well, you were doing something illegal!" They even try to say they are armed and I could have defended themselves, which in all truth I know they couldn't. If I was their predator of imagined fear, I would have torn them apart. I would have been smoother, sleeker, deadlier and even menacing. I would have stolen the car in seconds, instead of being out there for an hour in daylight in from of everyone. If I wanted them hurt, dead, murdered, raped, or eaten I would have hunted them down for my benefit and made sure there was no witnesses or chance to struggle instead of doing nothing of the such. If I was going to do all those horrible things they imagine me doing, I would have simply jumped out of the closet or pulled them under the bed in my hellish domain where the only thoughts in their head would have been that one relative spouting FOX/Briebart/Alt Right warnings of how this was always planned by us and our domination of their foolish denial of my racial and monsterous actions muh ha ha ha.....

*sigh*

Ok, I'm here. I'm near the elephant and I'm going to get it out the fucking room.

A teenaged boy walks to the store to buy skittles and tea. He walks back and he's shot dead by someone who was told to not pursue the scary guy in the hoodie.

Justifications?

• Hoodies are criminal wear
• He smoked pot, therefore thug
• He looked menacing
• He didn't look like he belonged
• He attacked the man trying to be a good citizen 
• The man attacked had his right as a citizen of Florida to stand his ground and shoot his attacker.

Ok, Fine.

A twelve-year-old is playing with a toy gun at an empty park across the street from his home. A concerned neighbor calls police where the officer states that he called the armed individual to cease where the armed individual points said weapon causing the officer to shoot him dead. Recorded footage shows officer stopping vehicle and immediately shooting boy without any word.

Justifications?

• He should have known better than to play with a toy gun
• His parents are to blame for letting him outside unsupervised
• His violent nature is what scared poor police officers into defending themselves.

Uh huh.......

Teenage boy is told to get out the street where he is ignored and is shot and allowed to bleed out before any ambulance or first aid is administered. It was filmed and given to media after the police department began to defame the boy and would lead to numerous protests against noticeable negligence and escalated police action even among protesters with fingers on triggers and rifles aimed. Shown to the world a police force with military hardware and little compassion and police tactics to hold the peace.

And yet.....

• He was BIG. He scared the poor police officer!
• He was a thug, like most of the community they're animals
• He should have got out the damn street and obeyed law officials
• His disrespect is what cause his death and those people don't know how to behave civilly. Those animals rioted because that's all they know!

Ok....sure.......

Man carrying an airsoft gun in it's box within a Walmart in an open carry state is short on sight after being told that this man was pointing a weapon in the store. Not even the NRA protest that this man's right to open carry or in this case walk with a toy gun in a box was violated.

So.....

• Maybe he WAS pointing it at people, you weren't there!
• He knew better than to have a gun, even a toy in the store where he was purchasing it
• He had a track record, probably, and he worse deadlocks. He doesn't look respectable at all.

.....nope no pattern here.

Man shot numerous times in the back after being questioned by police until he falls to the ground. He is then handcuffed. Reported that he was attacked while recorded evidence states otherwise. Later to find out there was no probable cause.

So this one....

• Why was he running?
• Why did he need a warning? He was running away! He deserved to be shot numerous times.
• He handcuffed him for his safety! He could have been on drugs! Police lives matter!
• You have to be safe than sorry! I would have done the same to protect myself!

uh huh.....

Man pulled over in car at a stop. He drives away from the officers in haste where he is met with gunfire until he crashes his car on the curb and dies.

So....

• Why was he running?!?
• He could have hit the officers!
• He was hiding something! You don't drive away from police!
• It was self-defense!

.....moving on.....

A heavy set man was questioned by officers for selling another man a single cigarette. Questioned by police on authenticity of the CDs he was selling. Three officers physically take him down while he didn't resist. Complains that he was not allowed to breathe. Died of crushed windpipe among watchers who recorded the incident on various angles. Officer who was responsible for his death is given a raise despite of being investigated for negligence.

You were saying?

• He was doing something illegal! 
• He was a big guy! He could have hurt those officers! You have to play it safe.
• He resisted. He should have never resisted. When police speaks to you, you respond correctly

........

Man is pulled over in an open carry state where while driving with his girlfriend and child in the back seat. They record the incident via Facebook as a new way to document an alarming amount of deaths at police hands. Man states as for his second amendment right he is armed and is noticing police that he was carrying his gun on his person in which police quickly shoot inside the car killing him. Police, while being recorded, then threaten his girlfriend to comply as he dies next to her and his baby while it's circulated among Facebook. The video is quickly taken down due to disturbing footage where as people continue to upload it in order to keep the footage seen.

....

• He must have made some move on the officer!
• That footage is fake and it's a false flag also!
• He should have complied with police! He resisted somehow!
• Why was he armed? Why would he need a gun? He looks like a thug.

Sure.....

Woman pulled over in a minor traffic violation and is shown on police car footage to be roughly pulled from car and taken into custody. While in custody, she is discovered to be hung within her cell with no visible signs of struggle as determined by corner autopsy. Ruled as suicide. Her case is then settled outside of court as a wrongful death for the sum of 1.9 million dollars

• She resisted arrest! That's why she was taken into custody!
• The officer was rough because he had to control her. He placed a knee on her neck to protect himself
• She took her own life. That's on her.

......*sigh*

Man arrives to find his mentally autistic patient sitting down playing with a toy car as police have their guns trained on him. He announces to police that he was this man's social worker and he did not have the ability to respond to their demands. Police train their weapons on him. In an act of submission, he lays on his back with hands raised high above his head while stating he was unarmed and only wanted to protect his patient who can not respond to their commands. He is shot and survives the wound, later to give an interview where he stated his own disbelief. 

well....

• What? He lived, right?
• He should have not defied police! He got what he deserved.
• Honestly, he just made things worse.

Seriously?

Police kill woman while cradling her 5-year-old son in an armed standoff with two other men. The boy is also shot yet survives. No negotiations are made to ensure the safety of the occupants or any attempts at diplomacy. Woman makes a recording with her son on Facebook stating that police was outside of her door ready to kill them. The video is taken down for being offensive.

• She was crazy! She should have given up!
• She held her gun and used the child as a human shield, you're not going to try to defend this one, are you?
• She was a thug and a criminal. She deserved to die! This is more of a mental health issue. Not police fault! 

.........wow.....

Police shoots sleeping 7 year old in botched raid while filming a reality show. He is tried twice for manslaughter and careless discharge for firearm. he is allowed to return to service.

• That was an accident. It happens all the time.
• Police lives matter also!
• They were criminals. They brought it down on themselves.
• Death from Black on black crime is close to 95%. No one ever protests that!

....are you fucking serious? 

Disabled man in his car was reading. He is shot and killed while police is on the search for someone with outstanding warrants. Claimed that he was armed in the open carry state and he died from his wounds.

• That's no excuse to riot like animals
• You weren't there! How do you know he wasn't armed?
• He should have complied with police! He must have done something!

.........ok.....fine.....

Abandoned car is reported as four officers arrive to find a man next to his vehicle. He was instructed to raise his hands. He complies. He is told to place his hands on the vehicle. He complies. He is shot and collapses on to the ground where he bleeds out under helicopter footage of the "bad dude". No weapon is found on his person or in the closed vehicle. Officer who shot claims the man was not complying. It is later reported that the man was walking towards officers for assistance since he was stranded on the road. Police claim responsibility for unlawful action.

Well.......

• There's footage of him without his hands up! He was asking for it!

Wait the fuck one second!

• The Black on Black crime is up to 93%. How come no one protests Black on Black crime?

You have to be fucking kidding me! What the fuck does this have to do with an execution! Everyone agrees that he was nonviolent! He had no weapon! He made no attempt while four officers and a helicopter watched him COMPLY! What the fuck did he do to deserve to be shot! What else could he have done! For being a "bad dude" he was already COMPLYING! WHAT THE FUCK IS LEFT!??!?!

• ........

Well! Are you going to answer? How do you justify this shit?

• You know, you're making this a racial thing and that's really hurting your cause. You are limiting people from helping and honestly isolating people from making things better.

Are you fucking kidding me you piece of shit?

• You also need to praise cops on what they're doing right. It's not all cops.

........Fuck you.

.......and that was my week so far. This shit. All of this shit right here......

*shakes head, almost to tears*

I mean........what can you say? What can you say when words are so fucking meaningless. I didn't even mention race. I didn't mention names. I kept things are blank as possible. Since when is simply being a death sentence? I mean, Judge Dread was a comic book, right? A bad movie with a good movie afterward? It was the left over of old Ron's "Make my day" Merica, right? This is what Dirty Harry wants to come back to, no? The SJW's and pussy generation not wanting this kind of shit? 

Remember when I said, I can talk my way into and out of things? How I can't lie? How I look scary and know I had these moments where I needed to explain to people who didn't see me as someone who needs help. Someone who perhaps is having a bad day or needs assistance. No, I had these moments where someone, if they had a weapon in hand, would have shot me on sight. Because I'm scary. I give you that. I know I look scary. I know I have to talk to people to let them know who I am.....

......I make the joke. I make it, but if I had a way, if I had any chance I'd change my 5' 11' 234 lb Latino frame to Tiffany. Who's Tiffany? Tiffany is a 16-year-old white girl I made up in my head. I want to be 5' 1'' little. I want to look as delicate and fragile as china. I want people to fear breathing on me in case I broke. There might even be a chance where I can be sexually harassed at this point, but considering how lethal my almost 30 years of martial arts and combative training has made me I will chance it. I will take an existence of 70 cents on a dollar for work and being called a cunt for either not putting out or everything else. I'll chance the hell women go through every day, not to mock it but know that it exist. I will trade for this existence instead of knowing that I might be shot without given even a chance to speak. I mean, I have nothing if I can't speak to someone. My existence is not only scary looking now, but actually running the chance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and being shot. 

Not just being shot, but knowing that I will get airtime as the poster boy of "damn right he was shot, LOOK AT HIM!" I would have my entire Facebook page torn apart for any photos that make me look like the imaginary monster that lives in their heads. My writing and my possessions will be investigating. The worst of what I am will be more then justification to why I had to die on the cold ground as I bled to death, maybe even questioning what happened. I survived LA during the 80's gang wars. I survived a cult. I lived through being shot at my young fools with drug money on their mind. I survived protesting to "Stop The Violence" and even walked through Bloods, Crips, and even Grapestreet turf to just go to work or to even have a dialogue with my generation who said they were down, only when it's ok to "kill da police". I even stood with counter point that a gunship heli would be sent. That during the LA riots, the streets were emptied by people and filled with clean shaven muscular bus drivers too pale for the neighboorhood. That you didn't fight and change your place and help your people with weapons or shit slung on the streets, but with your words and story. Hip hop thrived. We stopped killing each other because no one else would help us. We were deemed animal in congress with bad family morals and even our "safe" presidential candidate claimed us to be criminal. 

Then Columbine happened. Guns in school was an issue. Then the epidemic of Narco-trafficking entered the suburbs. So it really was a thing! Then the meth epidemic happens to nice, white kids away from the Urban life. Then all the shit they convinced us being happened to them and they wonder what could it be. They never believed that we needed help, better schools and jobs. Our OG's had to come back and give to the neighborhood. NWA now sell Beats and Bud Lite when they used to tell stories of Lynwood Sheriffs and shootings. Our neighborhoods have changed to the point where people would call me brave for walking at night to being gentrified. High rent and a changing demographic are what's changing Silver Lake, East Los, Downtown, Inglewood, and even the Jungle and South Central. Streets that burned in the riots now have Starbucks and Organic markets where burned out lots used to remain. 

But we are still plagued with this belief that we are animals. That we are going to rape your white little girls and destroy your peaceful way of life. That we are going to make them listen to the Beyonce while the Black Panters walk down your Main Streets on the American flag. We will bring you the drugs you heard on tv and how you how you need your Dirty Harry, Walker Texas Ranger, Charles Bronson, and Arnie back. You need people who are gonna pull the trigger and not be politically correct. To teach us a lesson with your stockpile of weaponry when we uppity march, speak, sit dow, kneel or just fucking be! Merica has lost it's way, even if crime is down despite the 95....93% Black on Black crime that somehow is justified because you are animals. The high police death rate that's really at an all time low. I would like to question the validity of #AllLivesMatter when they were shooting AK's on our streets and crack made life dangerous. I do know that #BlueLivesMatter especially when that other uppity nig.....URBAN gentleman was pulled over in Silver Lake and beaten on camera and it was decided that videotape lie.

Fuck, even EZ E went to Theodore J Briseno's aid during that ordeal. Fuck the Po Lice, right?

*sigh*

This shit.......and the election.....and the Alt Right.......It's really scaring me now. At a time where we can even pretend that these people were killed on accident. With footage of this shit happening while people justify it short of saying, "Ya'll #%@$% deserve to die" a la Trumpism. At this point, people are just getting executed. Like when they showed America that one Vietnamese man being shot in the head so close to the end of the war. Can we just drop the facade? Can we just stop with all the justifications and excuses and just say it. Say it. Say the words you are thinking. Just stop lying to us. Say your piece and be honest for once. Say it.

They all deserved to die, no legal course or due process.

Why do we have a legal system? Just to incarcerate more of us? Why do we have a system to pretend that people are being 'redeemed"? Why not just say that everyone, from a woman who may have had some mental issues deserved to die while holding her child. That no negotiation could be bothered with to save the life of a child. Why? There's a 12-year-old shot for a toy and several men killed in open carry states simply just standing. How many of them were just shot? How many of them were praying prayers or trying to wrap their heads around the people with the guns pointed at them. How many believed that they were going to die while other were certain they were going to be ok. What is the justification of execution? What do we teach our children to do now? Don't buy candy or tea? Don't play outside? Don't wear this or that? Even gangs used to take a few minutes to see if someone wore a color before shooting at them. Don't we get that much? Do we get a chance to run? Call for help? Stand our ground? Shoot back? Hold our hands up and say we will do what you ask? What is left? What is left to do? Can't even read in your own car. Or drive. Or walk. Or own a firearm. or shop at a store. Or play outside. Or continue to smoke your cigarette you bought off of someone else for a quarter.m Or just be at the wrong place at the wrong time having one of the worst days of your life. Shit, having the last day of your life.

No words. I don't have the words to get through to people. Why must people be shot on sight by people who are trained to hold the peace? Why must they aim guns for their protection? Why must we follow people's instructions who will simply bring death to us? Guess what, the gangs are pretty much an old memory. We need protection from you. Like before.

Then again, we'd have to assume that you were supposed to be protecting us in the first place. I wish we can ignore history. I seriously wish we could. Then we can smile a bit more and maybe dance in the street for the right to live and not get shot. 

I don't want to feel useless. Or scared. Or angry. Or lethargic. This happened before I was born and it seems it will continue. The only difference now is that we have a new branch of apologetics, demanding that we comply even if we are executed on the spot. 

.........

I kind of wish I wrote more about the girl with the cute butt. She was pretty and I would have been more nostalgic rather than apprehensive on what tomorrow will bring. 

I really wished I felt better after this. I really wanted this feeling of dread to leave me. For my stomach to stop hurting. To not look over my shoulder again for Blue like I used to for Blue, Red, or Raider Colors. Huh, football. The Rams are back now. Those used to be safe colors. Yellow and light blue......maybe.....ha ha.....the man kneels in protest and no one realizes that he's trying to stop the execution of people if only to get them to trial. Is he really asking for so much? "Stop killing us."

• but...............