My Friday.
Nothing was going my way and all the safety mechanisms that I usually implement somehow just got tossed out the fucking window with all the best of intentions. I woke up close to 11 am instead of my usual 7 to 8 am. Insomnia kept me from falling asleep until 4 am and just the thought of having insomnia made me miserable so that I wasn't rested. I had only time to eat breakfast in a rush rather than sneak in lunch before leaving at 12:30 pm. I ended leaving close to 2 pm instead of getting to the small park by 1:20 pm with my guitar to play in the slight breeze and shade of a tree until 2:30 pm when I would walk over to the Crazy Doc's office in leisure and wait out for my appointment. None of that happened. Instead, I was lead footing it to the pay street parking across the building where I fed quarters into the meter and running at full stupid towards the building with sweat and panic. Upon sitting in the waiting room and not being able to take my choice in seats facing the door and near the plug, I arrived after the other person who I usually beat by 20 minutes sitting in the seat I am so accustomed to.
But that's ok.....I'm here after a two-week hiatus in which my therapist first canceled due to emergency and I canceled a week later due to pulling a ham muscle in a late night run. But that's ok! I was finally here. I was in the office with 10 minutes to stare down the clock with enough time to check internet postings to ensure that the world would not end while I selfishly tried to take the initiative on figuring out how my train wreck fell off the tracks when the dread hit me.....I forgot my black plastic Best Buy travel mug that my son gave me in the late 90's that was filled with sugar, powdered creamer, and jasmine green tea. I would not have anything to calmly sip and clear my throat while I methodically tore myself apart in order to rebuild what was supposed to be a people.
I had nothing but sweat stains, a heavy feeling of nothing going fucking right in the world, and just a paper cup which I least will fill with water so I can keep my throat clear because .......oh no I'm fucking up already....how did I fuck up....I have measures! I have a process that covered three hours of checkpoints that ensure I came in with the best mind for all of this.......
These are the small moments of life where I am reminded that I do not have control over ANYTHING and as great as my plans were they were failures......ALL OF THEM! I honestly questioned if I should leave until the door opened.....and it wasn't my Crazy Doc.....*sigh* Oh, good. I can least panic a little bit...
The door opens again to his bright and encouraging smile.
*meep*
I get up, refill my cup and grab my utility bag of everything important as we make minor talk into the bright and cheery room facing the cemetery.
Fun. I wish I was making this up.
And yet, in the small room where we sat something was happening. This person in minutes, less than five, but more than two, ripped two weeks of self-instilled doubt and dropped it on the floor, almost as you would a toddler who had picked up something incredibly wrong in their clenched hands and set it aside with a minor flourish of someone who knows best. Much like a well-trained beagle, I sat up, handed my paw, rolled over and barked. If anyone who knew me watched they would have sworn that I was somehow disintegrated while passing through the doorway and a much well behaved pod version of myself had sat down on the soft stuffed leather chair and held the throw pillow in his calm hands as a child would hold his teddy.
One question set us off. "How are you?" With at least eight months of training, I opened my mouth and I began to talk about the one thing I hate above everything in the world: myself.
I was fine. Still looking for "legitimate employment", sending resumes with cover letters and references. I had two gigs house sitting. One that went and gone in a single day on the weekend and the other I was prepping for a long stay in one of my favorite places in the world that was not Santa Monica. I visited friends and stayed over, I did household chores and well, there WAS one thing that DID bother me and it DID trigger my CRAZY making me think FOR A SMALL MOMENT that something I had no power over WAS MY FAULT. Ha ha....funny right?
.......it's not my fault, right?
Once again without any hesitation, he took away the wrong thing in my clenched hands and tossed it aside like any patient parent and asked me what happened. In short, someone NOT ME got CRAZY EXPLODED ON THEM, no biggie, right? What did I mean? Well to spare too many details and to keep confidence placed on me what basically happened was a good friend of a friend of mine who I met and is one of the most loveliest of people went through something with their partner where keeping it as generic as crazy can be, they basically dropped a facade of who they were and they showed not only to the people who included myself believe they were the most darling of couples, I mean I was looking forward to their wedding kind of people.....couples who in all truth made you believe IN LOVE itself...but to this friend who not only had a moment of exploding crazy happen to them, but they actually got crazy on them that was not theirs! I mean as if someone sneezed and got "stuff" on you and you somehow believed it was yours.....that kind of thing.
Basically, CRAZY EXPLODED ON THEM .....geesh. I listened and even retold the story with as much freshness as possible. I knew that the moment I heard this it hit me. I mean they seemed like a nice couple. They seemed happy. They seemed as they would marry and be happy and if I was ever so lucky and cashed in my Brownie and Kharma points, I could maybe share a little bit of their happy and hope to anything that I was able to take it with me as some do wedding chachkies. I mean I was going to have a taste of happy as well as maybe cake? But no....this explosion hit them and their partner wasn't who they thought they were and even they questioned themselves to the point that they momentarily freaked out and come to realization that they needed their own Crazy Doc......I mean, sane people amaze me. Like a bandage, they know that they just were inflicted with an injury and they're going to get it healed and taken care of. Me? I festered that thing until I was Patient Zero.
Damn, sane people, you sane.
But not only was I horrified, but for a dread filled second, it hit me like a cosmic bullet as if the universe wanted to tell me in it's cruel and sadistic way, "You left the game where you were our Cosmic Joke and Whipping boy some eight years ago. We were not done with you. You want out? Fine. Be a damn shame if .......they", as the universe slides over a picture of them smiling with joy, "happen to fill your shoes......right.....buddy?"
Yea, I honestly believed this kind and happy person caught MY CRAZY.
Why?
Because I honestly believe that shit like this only happened to me. No, I'm not lying. This is the kind of shit that usually is under my trademark. My brand of insanity where the universe sends me "a friend" and we hang out on reasonable terms until I blink and realize we are romantically involved. How? I don't know, I was busy still being friends, but that's ok. I like them and I developed trust for them. I mean, you're supposed to fall in love with your friend.....I feel in love, right? I think. I know I am....going to? I'm falling in love. They are great! What? I have a type? Sure I do! They don't fill it in anyway physically? That's ok. I love them and I love who they are, right, and even though they are not this or that I find them attractive because it's them! Who cares that everyone I've been involved with differ in almost every way! I like blue/brown/green eyes and they have the most average/thin/curvy/fit body imaginable, yum! And I love their black/brown/red/blue hair and they have breasts like a supermodel/swimsuit model/Dolly Parton/gymnast and they stunning. I love the way she *various random attributes not found* and you know, she just loves the way I this/that/the other thing.
I mean, when you're happy you're happy right?
Until I discover that I'm not in a committed relationship. Or important. Or she moves away because reasons. Or she slept with someone else and is leaving. Or that she's going to rediscover herself because someone who is not Oprah at the moment told her to free the goddess or something. Or they have a serious problem. Or a heavy hand. Or a sharp tongue. Or they just needed something for a certain amount of time and that time is over and I'm not part of their life.
And it's over. Like that. And I have no idea who I am. I became someone more comfortable to her and I lost who I was. I mean, who am I? What am I? When did I lose my identity and why does it happen? All the time. And why does it hurt like this? As if I was torn asunder and I don't have enough to heal over. Because crazy just happens, right? I missed something? I did something wrong? Did I ever choose right? Was it even a choice? How did this happen.....again?
So as I listened to her story, I realized in a flash of horror that maybe, just maybe it was my fault because if I was out there it would have never had happened to them and this would just happen to me. I shook my head then as I shook my head in the small room and I still shake my head, only now I have his kind hand pulling the wrong thing in my hand and tossing it away. He calmed me and confirmed that it wasn't my fault. It may or may not be this friend's fault but that's not for them to say because they needed to help them as they help me. And he looked at me as said the last thing I can ever imagine anyone telling me.
"You've been making immense progress and even now you're making huge strides, even if you don't see it. I'm proud of you."
Woa...me?
I mean........me?
He said that I didn't have boundaries until a few days weeks ago, not even a month and I had not only learned to make boundaries, but I was keeping safe within them. That even if I got scared of anything happening and that somehow I had a moment of panic from someone else's trauma, that I was working diligently to change that. That he was more than amazed at anyone hard work.
I have been working hard.
And he told me that, we are moving focus and we are going to start to pull apart my lack of trust with everyone and everything and that it's ok. We'll get there. Just be patient and continue to be honest. Then he asked me what did I think about it all.
And the words escaped from my mouth without any reserve, that I'm used to this thing and it's horrible. And I would never want anyone else to endure it and if it was my fault.....
.....it's not your fault.....you just had no boundaries and you were open to give everything you could to anyone and they took advantage of you. Of your trust. Of your kind, he called me kind, nature. He said that I was a good person.
I started to cry. I really want to believe that I'm a good person. And I am. And even if bad things happen to those who I care for or anyone else, it's not my fault. I'm not a magnet. I don't have a dark cloud overhead. I didn't make this happen. This just happens and people develop mechanisms to protect themselves naturally and when it fails and they get hurt they know how to process naturally. I don't have that. He said that I didn't have any of that and the fact that I finally learned what a boundary was after eight months of work and that I instantly implemented it without help proved that I was working hard to heal and once I know how to protect myself I would do so.
And right there.....some guilt disappeared.
We spoke of a few other things. He told me he was proud of me and my effort again to made sure I left with something positive and that not even I could turn a good session into a bad one. And I walked out into the remains of the sunny day, walking towards the truck to look forward to rush hour traffic of the 105. Bumper to bumper of 5 mph travel. Yet I was not stressed about it. I hate traffic and I hate how stressful it was driving. That's why I set up mechanisms to be there ahead of time and plan when I would leave and how. IF traffic wasn't fucked until 9 pm I would have stayed nearby and wait it out. Yet an hour of stress was already prepared for technically if all of my mechanisms succeeded and I wasn't late to all of them. And yet, I drove off in the most uncanny sense of peace.
It felt as if I was given a handful of powerful opiates and a tumbler of gin to kick them in. I was in a state of orgasmic peace or was it the lack of worry, stress, and pain? I still don't know. I was floating. The truck was the extension of my being. Music played in ambiance rather than to mask the moment. I didn't sing the song, I was breathing the song within me as I soon realized that I was going to die if my reaction time was so crappy. Yet we crept and moved at a blissful turtle's pace. We moved east as I was above it all, surrounded by peace. It took me some time to realize the dripping sensation were tears that were streaming from my face onto my arms. I wasn't sad, just relieved. As if ten pounds of hell was removed in a blink. I didn't understand it until the time of writing this. I would not know what it would mean.
Come Sunday, I've already spent more time with friends and I was sitting in introverted space when I realized someone brilliant on Youtube was streaming something I more than enjoyed. Immediately I shook my head and said, no. I would not click. I will be a bother. Or bothered. Or something. I would just ......continue to look for something to occupy my time considering that I have an entire day of nothing. The wall needed to be stared at I guess......and come on, man. What's the harm? I clicked. And I lurked and I watched. And the person who's work I admired shared and spoke and I commented small things that I knew would not be.......did they just respond to me? Was my online moniker just used? I got a response? A conversation? I'd better respond.
......huh......this isn't so bad. I'll just make some comments if I have anything to share.....huh? What? Why am I timed? I'm writing too much.......OHNOIDIDN'TMEANTO......I'll stop.....wait....people are nice here. I'll just take it easy....not be too eager....
And like that, I spent four and a half hours with people watching a stream of a favorite thing by someone who loved my favorite thing and was knowledgeable like so many others and we had a ball. I was communicating and getting laughs and when the time was ending and the main person was leaving we thanked each other and we were social and I didn't feel antisocial. And the person who streamed said he didn't stream usually because they're antisocial with the reasons and the ....HIM AWKWARD AND CRAZY IS MY AWKWARD AND CRAZY.........wow, right? What would I like to hear? Positive things! Here, have some positive things.....things I would want to hear...they're nice and they GAVE ME POSITIVE THINGS TOO...no way! No one here is a shit person? No one is exploding crazy? We're all being cool and supportive and I felt 5 years old again when you would meet your best friends at the playground on the fly and you guys would play a long time back when time felt either so long or not long enough and we all waved like the 5-year-old I felt like and we're all best friends now......
.....what the fuck happened? In the end, I subscribed to three channels, Facebooked a lot, made conversation with this awesome person who's videos played and he like me like people but we have people panic introvert no one is an asshole so we're safe place here and ......who the fuck am I? This shroud of panic, fear and recluse loosened and I was social.....I'm not panicking. I'm not shaking. I want to do it again. I mean....who the hell am I?
And in the dead hours of the night I decided I'm going to a meeting to see someone else who is awesome and maybe meet them, or at least listen to him speak. It's going to be crowded, I know that, but I want......I WANT TO GO? I mean.....I'm counting the days! I'm excited! In a good way, not in I have to do this and not throw up I'll carry my flask with me excited.
I'm not afraid of someone....anyone....running up and exploding crazy on me. It may happen. I may just have it happen, but it may not. I already missed out of Sabbath's goodbye tour, Carlin's last few shows, The Pixies coming and going, and so many plans with friends more than a handful that filled me with terror. Just a few months ago, I was in a dread terror over not being able to go to my Aunt's funeral and on the same day going to a friends birthday event. I was doubled over in pain and sickness and bile then, but....can I go? Can I be ok with this? I have a few weeks till I go, but....I think I'll be ok.
I know, I have no idea!
I'm not scared. I'm not even nervous over writing this! I think I'm ok. I'm ok and I'll work through it. I mean, you'd never know what's going to be a good day until it happens.
*looks at clock*
It's almost 4 am here. I'm going to sleep. I feel sleepy. I feel good. So, thank you for reading this? I don't have an ending. I don't even have anything witty outside of saying.....um.....hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Thanks for reading. Have a good day. Um.....if you need a kind word, here you are. Um.....I bet you're a magnificent person and I hope whatever you are worrying about get resolved. *shrugs* So....yea.....bye.
....hmmmmm.....feeling better about yourself is great on the ego, but it really makes for shitty endings....oh well!
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