Relearning to Feel Feelings Often Offer Once Rejected Offenses or Going to Finish What you Left on your Emotional Plate When you didn't Want it in the First Place

Felt lonely just now. Considering that I don't feel much outside of anger and the occasional puckishness, this is something. I was told that I'm going to have to reintegrate alot of bad feelings before I can be "normal". So far some annoyance and some anger.

So this is different. This is hollow and loud silence that almost shouts. It's feeling out of place and left out. It's knowing that there are people who would warmly welcome you and others who will bring you into their fold with a warm embrace who you haven't even met.

I would like to say that this feeling scares me, but I'm more then used to it, being an only child and just having to do things on my own for so long, even when I'm part of a large group. As as much as I honestly want to to belong or be needed or even be someone's, I've been here before, some trips shorter then others only to return with a faint remembrance of who I once was picking up shattered pieces of who or what I was.

Being me I've learned the hard facts that one day I will probably pass alone as many times I've live hard and good moments alone. Some call it horror, yet just like being chilled by cold there comes a point where it's not felt and the fear fades.

I honestly don't think I want to give that up yet. I've been over to the other side and see how grass can be green and such. I'm not impressed. I've met many loves of my life only to lose them in a bad turn other simply not being what I assumed by their presence. There is strength knowing I can walk away. I can be detached and not care. There comes a point where loneliness makes fool of others while you know well enough how the song goes. I won't ever make that mistake again and as much as 9 years celibate can be daunting to others, I have not spent any moment with someone who made me feel less then what I am, feel abandoned, or even shocked when a secret moment of insanity flares up and you realized the person you made your life with exploded into something you can still not believe.

I have my stories. I have my scars. I've said enough. For that price, I walk freely. I will pay less for tickets and always arrive stag. For the same price I will always sit on a dysfunctional see-saw, will have no one waiting up, will have to make dinner in silence unless I decide to fill that noise. Considering it all, I'm good.

So I'll listen to 12d3, play along on the guitar, sigh a sigh of sleeping in a cold bed and if lucky sleep a slumber unaffected by others. For this, I will keep what's left of me together considering I've given enough of me away to those who didn't need it. I will never have to share my treats. The couch will always be mine. I will always use my spare time for my use and privilege.

It's a harsh trade, but I'm already used to the draw backs. Just need to become accustomed to the benefits.