Primum non nocere; Non impedire progressum

I've been playing with this thought for a few days now and I'm going to try to get in on the screen even though I'm not sure if I have a point.

I know, that made little sense. I know, that's how my mind works.

Also, I'm going to try an "lighten up" if only for my own good since I think I vented most of the harshest thoughts out. I'm not much to being a downer, but some things need to be said, even if they were gripes or just harsh issues that has come up from therapy. Geesh, if I was able to go back to 2013 me and tell him, he's be seeing someone about this and the depression he'd laugh.

Things are slowly getting better and I'd like to not be a fucking stick in the mud about it. Saying that much, I'll try to exponge a few things I've been chewing on.

Primum non nocere

This is the Latin version of Do No Harm, which is the Hippocratic Oath often quoted from Hippocrates of Kol who is revered as the Father of Western Medicine. It's a good practice considering that medicine was more of an art back then, yet still it holds true for doctors considering that an action, no matter how advantageous could cost the patient their life or simply living. It's the reason that medicine have changed from a guess to a hard researched process backed by the scientific method and constant years of research.

There was a time where I would have been considered an antivaxer of sorts. Cults have ways of making things that you should trust sinister and things that have no merit have all the trust in the world. It wasn't until I've went to University and sat in enough biology and microbiology classes and laboratories to realize that there is truth to lab work and seeing with one's own eyes backed by research and a long line of proof as a foundation. My college work proved to me that vaccines are the acme of medicine in which you can completely prevent any illness by simply exposing an individual to a weakened for of it. I've learned that evolution is true, even though there was a time I didn't believe in dinosaurs and even that we came from apes until realizing how DNA worked, how mutations can be a benefit or hinder to life, and even how some of the old "garbage genes" life has picked up in it's earlier forms cause us harm because it still believes that we are bacterium.

Holy fuck, I never thought of it that way. We're still apes which are just overly modified bacterium.....mind blown.....I need a minute.....

ok....

I've sat in classes where I finally understood how traffic harmed us by creating ozone which is horrible to breathe. I witnessed people in a lab trying to document the genealogy of a fox species that lived near Catalina Island so that they can help it from being endangered. I've been given small mystery samples in test tubes and told that I must plate, grow, run numerous tests, then run its genetic code in order to find out what it was and what strain it is. I've done sever tests on why blood types are important to understand while they theoretically spoke of universal plasma able to be given to all without need for donors. I've witnessed the concept of plasmids while also playing Bioshock and even seen primitive precursors of sex with bacterium sharing RNA via pili like appendages. No orgasm or sexual desire, just trading RNA to ensure that bacterium live.

As much I held disbelief, I had a chance to actually see what science had to offer. So it was very slowly throughout the years I've entertained doubt. Doubt is a good thing. It offers you a moment to stop and question if you do have the situation in check. That perhaps you need to double check your math and it even causes you to stop for a moment to reflect on what it all means from a bigger perspective. Sometimes the separation between logic and fallacy is just a quiet moment to reflect. I had several of these enough to allow me to realize that my cult was wrong. That they didn't have the answers and that what they called answers were horrid. Yet, I somehow still held on to what is and isn't right via my cult. It would take some time to stop and just figure it all out. Basically this year I had a mental spring cleaning to say that it was wrong, I was wrong, now I will do better.

There is no way to "convert someone". You can only offer them doubt. They have to release what they find as folly. Only then can they break free. Not by threat, nor regulation or mockery, but by entertaining doubt. Sometimes your existence is more then enough to cause that. Sometimes the fact that you are is enough to enrage and confuse and cause people to react violently against something they can not comprehend. You don't help their change with opposition, because all such mind frames share this Crusader/Martyr duality where everything IS justified with opposition. Fucktard comes to mind. Also Religitard. IF you ever want someone to abandon their natural process of reflection, challenge them!

There has been several debates that has not only shown people this in process, but they have also reaffirmed their belief in what is not correct. Nye and Ham comes to mind as even though anyone could plainly see that Nye's statement of changing his mind with evidence as earnest it's a stark difference of Ham's stance that even if he is wrong there is nothing he would do to correct it because he will always refuse to change due to his self convinced notions of what is. What ever scapegoat he needs isn't important. I'm not taking a turn on religion, but something more. A point where one refuses to believe what is stated as correct despite of proof stating the contrary because they will not. This is a delusion that as seen from the end of the debate, those who share Ham's admittance of delusion supported him with monetary proof.

Basically they gave him cash because he "stood up to the experts".

No one could ever convince him otherwise yet it does allow us to arrive at a hypothesis of either he doesn't know and simply refuses or he know and still refuses. Morality aside on why he would do this to himself and therefore so many others, one can see it's just incorrect. He's doing harm just by supporting a mistake in one sense or a lie in the other. Forget if he's doing this because his faith in a higher power is great or just that he's doing this because money is worth the trouble. If you are wrong and refuse to double check the math it doesn't matter why you refuse to check it. Your actions have committed an offense and perhaps harm. If I step on your foot, either by accident or on purpose does not dismay that I stepped on your foot. My actions
afterwards will state my intent, but in a simplistic view the damage, if any has been done.

Do No Harm

*deep breath*

.....I've been pondering another saying. I don't know if it means anything, but for the past month I've been thinking about it. My relationships with people and how I connect and even interact. I'm going to say that I don't have the healthiest of relationships at time and yet throughout my time in therapy I was finally able to set up my first boundary. I was able to cut myself off from harm and insult. I was able to back away and cut ties when my self worth has been hurt. I'm going to say that I don't have the most favorable view of myself. I'm going to say it's very skewed and off and that I can not at times comprehend. My time with the Crazy Doc as been trying to grow this part of me that never really existed.

And now having it grow somewhat, not enough to consider myself healthy and yet enough there to feel insult and want it to stop. In my way of attempting to create this boundary I've seen some pretty nasty forms of Gas Lighting. I'll not go into what it is since I won't do it justice. But here's a link and have at you. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting). I'll give you a sec if you need it.

...ok, well while making my first boundary I was barraged with insult ranging from "you're just jealous", "you're holding me back", "anything you ever had has been given to you", to " you're never going to do anything worth while". I held my tongue. I simply repeated their overall response.

"Move. Just move"

 Non Imprdire Progressum

Hinder no progress. I like the concept of being in Latin because it give it some merit as if the English cheapens it or it just may be that I'm compensating. And yet, I realize that the best say to prove a point is to stand out the way. At that moment, after hearing this barrage of insults and blame that for one, I honestly didn't wish them harm. They are an important person in my life, yet their frame of mind is harmful to me. Their behavior is not only an insult towards me, but in truth was a lie. I don't want them to fail or to hinder them and yet their mind is made up and I am the root of the issue.

I never understood triangles of any sort, the most frequent one that comes to mind is romantically as there is an individual who can not make up their mind on who should be the focus of their attention if there needs be a focus. I've been in a few without knowing and in some cases I've always been the "other person". The one who gets tossed out. I'm the other man. So this is always a sore place for me. Once I realize what is going on I usually leave and make it a line. I refuse to be part of anyone's emotional wishy wash. I'm either needed or not. Don't compare me. I'm either someone who is important in your life or I should go. I don't even care if I'm one of many, as long as I am treated as well as I treat you.

So in this spirit I realized that I need to step out of any way anyone believes me standing in. If you tell me that you moved away and you don't want me to follow, I won't. I won't chase you down to the airport. It's stupid. I tell people their worth and I am never on to stand in the way of progress. If you think you need to make your life better without me, go. Am I holding you back? Leave me alone. If you believe I embody the worst of your life allow me to exit, stage right. I shall never stop you once your mind is set. I will offer doubt in what manner I can, but I refuse to be an excuse of any sort. I will not stop you if you tell me to get out of your way. I will not plead or beg.

I will go. Hmmmm.....wonder if this is why people think that they can return. I burn bridges when needed, never on whim. And I will in no way rebuild one burned by you. If you cut off connection I will not reconnect. At this point I realize I don't want an apology, but I realize I'm wrong. I do want one. I do want an apology because it's the last thing people would give me.

Hinder no progress. Let me move out of the say and not be part of any resistance you can imagine me in. I wish you well. I wish you luck and love. Above all, I wish you away from me, the bane of your life. Sorry, I will not be used ever again to excuse your limitations. What I do I do out of concern and care, but if I'm stopping you then allow me to stop. I will let you burn down the bridge. I will let you walk away as it burns. I will let you do what you see fit as long as I am never used as an excuse of burden.

And if things go well, I'm happy. And if it doesn't I will not interfere. If you build the bridge I will let you. I will never again think of the greater good on your behalf, but allow you to correct your error. I will never assist in your attempt. You caused this. I wanted to warn you, but sometimes experience is a better instructor. I will not heal your wounds without consent in your case. You caused them and you are adult enough to mend them. I will not cut my life off in order to assist in yours. I have negated much of mine for the greater good and to give those who need more then what I have. I do it out of live, yet when it causes harm you have to stop. Hence I will.

It saddens me. It makes me feel bad and it hurt me in a way that I would ball up and cry since I care for those even if I must not. Maybe this is my fault or just how I was meant to be by those who hurt me. I love you, but don't come near me. I've bleed for everyone enough. A select few I would take a bullet for and perhaps two, but in the long run I will not hinder your progress in any way, even if it's to shield you from harm. It's a risk, but one I will take. Especially if I don't want to cause harm and to hinder any progress.

So.....yea.....I still wonder if I don't right even though I have no other choice in the matter. I will not suffer for your errors and I will not take your blame if you need a scapegoat. That time is gone and even though I care a heavy heart that aches, I know I'm doing what is right.

Primum non nocere; 
Non Imprdire Progressum

Addendum: Always double check which variation of words entered into babble fish unless you want to argue against the point you are trying to make. Geesh.......so sad so silly.,