The Act of a Verb Becoming a Noun or How to Slowly Acclimate towards the Idea of Personhood Despite the World and in Spite of it.

I've always seen myself as a verb rather than a noun.

How's that for topic sentence? Ha!

*takes deep breath*

Friday was Crazy Doc day with a change. I used to get near the area around hours early and play guitar until a half hour too then walk in with my Best Buy mug to be filled with hot water to steep while I sit for an hour with the only person I fully trust. Not saying I don't have a magnificent handful of people who for some reason or another has the nerve, strength, or honesty. It's just that Crazy Doc honestly has no stake in me. Not as someone he has to work with, but as in you mean something to me and I need you with us for the long haul. Sitting in this new room with this man is probably the most freeing things possible because it negates my inbred....learned....adaptive......who knows, ability to question everyone and everything. I question people's hello's, goodbyes, and everything in between, yet Crazy Doc to a certain degree has no investment in me.  In other words, if he is trying to help me he will not benefit from it. If I die tomorrow due to random chance or of my own stupidity or hand, he has no investment in me. He might mourn. He might need a moment to deal with, but he won't be trying to save something that is of use to him.

That's what I mean by trust. It may be horrifying to you, but it's what I can deal with. Never said I was healthy.

So back on track, I was in a different room considering that I have this aversion towards LA traffic. It's the price you pay to be in a gorgeous city. Mind you any real Angelino knows that the freeways are like the ocean with tides going in and out with moments of rush hour coming in and out like whales migrating. So considering that I was just more than happy at the prospect of someone trying to help me get my head clear I just jumped at whatever time to get help, so considering it is the beginning of rush hour. And every time I leave I militantly walk off towards the Behemoth, my loving term for the new car I inherited that's way too large for me, and drive off towards the slow pace of freeway creep, hoping for a speed of 15 mph.

So having offered his first slot at noon was more than needed. Not only could I leave and return without becoming part of the 105 dredge, but it's one last thing that can make me cringe. So entering into a new room with the furniture placed so that I can not see the cemetery, yet it's bright, cheery, and different. I don't do well with change. If there is anything that helps me function, it's routine. I need my checklists and patterns that I trust and need to be on the search for the x-factors that can and will change things for the moments of chaos.

You might want to make a note here. You will see this again. See, I can be interactive!

So sitting in this room, we arrived as a kind of oasis or more like the eye of the storm moment. I say this because the entire first half hour was trying to convince me that I had accomplished a lot. That I have found respect for myself and I'm better for it. And after some time I share that I DO see something, yet it feels intangible. I notice that people find me more comfortable. That I keep eye contact and not look over my shoulder. That people around me notice that I am more at peace. That I even forget to hide my smile more. That I smile more and there is no sense of sarcasm or puckishness. So considering all the factors, I'm better.....yet I can't tell. It's more like a being in the moment. That moment when you had a great time and forgotten to take one selfie.

Yea.....yet you can't just leave it be, right? I mean what do you do when you take down the boss and loot the room, celebrate? Lick your wounds and prepare for the next planning session? Distribute your points and upgrade gear? Nah, we just run back in, but this is more like getting pulled into the deep end of the pool without knowing where you're diving in. So in a way, he gave me a gold star sticker, trophy, and certificate of Adulting and a coupon for half off a personal pizza. Then he slammed me into it. I'm fine with this. Mind you if I don't suffer by my own means pushing myself past the breaking point I won't feel anything close to accomplishment. I'm used to adding more shit to my pile and picking on the bigger kid, two or three of the smaller kids if no one is bigger than me.

Yet, this was different. It was that initial shock of biting down wrong hitting a nerve that wasn't even there before. It's not pain, but immense shock and awe of the moment. This was the monster grabbing you from under the bed. This was falling backwards wondering if you tore your pants not feeling the whole impact of the car hitting you. It's that moment where you feel nothing and calling it a mercy before being introduced into the most immense pain imaginable. This was one of those moments. So much to his fashion, he cut to the bone and we arrived at the point.

"You have an obsessive tendency to overthink."

It hits me and in a way that I could not explain, I do not justify myself. I do not defend myself, I do not offer rebuttal. I do not evade. I take it head on and say, "yes, yes I do".

It hits me. I respond to the most honest person in a small room the way I always want to, without any sense of shame. It was almost as if stating the sun rises in the day and is observed when there is perfect, clear weather. I didn't hurt me. I can just say yes. For one, he's right. Remember when I told you to make note, well, yea this is the part where you go, "hey, you do act that way because you told me and having read enough of your writing I notice you do have a need to have fact, probability, and a thick skin. Nope. He's right and I'm not running. There's no reason to run. That alone is huge for me. And yes, I do need to do that and I know I do. Yet the act of realizing who he is and where we are cuts about 20 minutes of dialogue and frees me to state, yes.

And then, I can see it. This is my manifested break through. I don't have to prove anything to anyone at any moment. I am free to simply let you believe me. As if I gained some sort of worth as something that I never was. I was not proving to you. Explaining or even debating. My one-word response spoke volumes and was more than enough. And right then, I took my first step into becoming a noun. It's as if I don't have to put work into myself each and every time. I am honest. I can defend a point. I am intelligent enough to realize what is and what is not. That was....freeing. I have accomplished something I had only accomplished as a martial artist. I didn't have to continually defend, attack, or spar. My very presence was enough. As it's enough now and always that I can physically control the situation at any moment.

I mean, wow. That's a lot for me. It means I CAN rest on my already gained laurels. That I equated to what I am rather than having to commit myself into the continual, progressional action and movement to be witnessed by all. It was freeing. So I almost smiled and nodded once more with a repeat of my answer:: Yes.

Crazy Doc looked up and spoke his mind, "I'm amazed. You didn't fight me on it."

"I realize that I don't have to. I'm not being attacked. It's the truth and I'm comfortable with it."

He nodded and asked me if I was still comfortable and I responded that I felt as if I ran up the building. We shared a laugh and we returned to the task at hand at simply acknowledging that this is beast exists. That I feel as if I have to defend myself as an intellectual individual worth of thought despite how I resembled. That I do enjoy pulling the rug out on people when they assume I am not a person to walk with a volume of Pushkin's poetry or to attempt to devour some book that pull into a high grade of science then what I'm used to in order for me to understand where the practical is separated from the theoretical. Or that I like music that no one would believe simply because I carry physical scars on my skin the way most pay for tattoos. If there is anything I enjoy more on this planet, not accounting sex and In n Out, it's that I enjoy humiliating people who have made the hard assumption that I am something simply because they got a summary, an assumption based on physical nature, or just on the representation of my social worth due to phenotypic markers. I'm not even comfortable with my own name because it give enough cannon fodder for people to assume who I am and who I am not.

So I nodded and realized that I do want to control the x-factors and I do so out of a need to protect myself from people and moments where I have to go full "damage control". Where I have to put my hands on chaos and try to stop entropy from knocking all the carefully stacked pieces I had maintained. Where I feel almost crippled to not take a chance on anything because it might cause ripples or change and may alter the Mu of the moment and cause me to slip and fall. This is why I rely on routine and need to control as much as possible. And yet, I have to say that I'm aching due to this limitation. I'm realizing I'm missing out now. Perhaps this is now a thing or it has always been a thing due to the fact that I'm just now seeing things around me and it's not that bad. Sure, people are getting bold enough to speak rhetoric they would never dare to speak back 20 years ago, but I'm starting to feel safe enough to be. To attain a sense of self not dictated by others or by my constant action, but as someone who is. Who feels comfortable enough just to answer with a single word instead of in circles, innuendo, and illusion.

I know I always said I can no give any more fucks, but I'm realizing my fields are now vacant and I don't have to entertain what I choose not to. Maybe it's not realizing that I can set up boundaries or even see people a mile away attempting to gaslight or shift the blame. Maybe I realize that it doesn't affect me anymore because it can't.  I'm not certain. I have a hunch that's where I need to dig now.

So, yea. Simply realizing that I can let something go. I haven't, but I understand the concept now. I realize that I can. Realizing and doing are two separate things, but I think i can sit in this new room and attempt to unravel a new knot. To decipher my need to control the world and arrive at some compromise where I can go outside and not feel overwhelmed by the crowds and people. I think I can do this. I don't know. We simply arrived at the idea and I didn't wince too much.

So, will I become a noun one day? *shrug*

Will I be comfortable in a crowd? *shrug*

Might be able to function enough to communicate with others in a meaningful way once more? *shrug*

Will my Fridays be better? Well, yes, yes they will be.