Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Twenty Two: Modern Love

I have a problem with my weight, hence my health and therefore my mental outlook of life and self-worth.

Wow, that's cutting to the fucking bone, right?

It's the second month of getting healthy again. I've done these many pushes throughout the years and I'm always active to a certain degree where I can catch something with needed speed, help someone move numerous heavy items, many of which I'm usually moving on my own simply because I can. I'm a big guy. To give some stats I'm 5'11'' at 235 lbs now at 24% bodyfat which is healthy overall, yet I've been heavier before usually due to injury and I know when I'm starting to slip. The fact that I'm 24% body fat kind of worries me to a degree as much as any red flag. I know that if it rises too high I won't be able to function as I normally do. That my clothes will begin to tighten in the wrong places, my thighs will rub, and worse of all my aging knees will ache.

So I run and I have progressed in my running since 2013 where at my worst weight I simply cut to bone once more and realized that I have a degree behind me and I've done enough math and research and practice to know that I can trust the theory of body augmentation. I've worked out many people for physical gain, athletic edge, and even just to improve their lives and prevent any set in of health related issues. I've collected data and ran calculations as close as possible so that I know how much to push someone and more importantly when to pull them back. So above all, I'm my best guinea pig and learning many lessons of leadership I know I can not instruct anyone to do anything I'm not more than willing to do myself. That saying I'm usually pushing myself to points where much as last night's run had me throwing up a meal I'd had almost 4 hours before.

Yet, then again I've been told by those who know me and who also share my interest of profession that I am hell on myself. Not hard, hell. Something that I'm quite thankful learning the proper methods and knowledge since I've many times have hurt myself in order to "tough it out". I have a very sore spot for crossfit and anyone who does not understand the limits of the human body. It's one thing to push myself to breaking point because it's my body and correct or stupid I paid the price. Telling someone else with shoulder injury that they should just use smaller kettlebells just because gains will be lost. The body must rest, heal and develop properly and know that my mistakes may have a grave reaction towards someone's health has me rechecking math, monitoring form and intensity to ensure that the primary goal of constant stimulus rather than having them out injured over bravado. So I care about the health and well-being of others. If I'm paid to help someone reach goals I do so. It's more than a job. It's a passion. I understand the why's and I try to provide the how's.

It's not really work

And yet, I have the greatest difficulty with myself. Running daily measurements I've made progress with how much to eat and of what macronutrients to watch. I'm diligent with water and I have limited my vices to an occasional drink on a weekly basis on a cheat day. Yet, I realize that my efforts being hindered are not physical, but emotional. I'm anorexic. Mind you I've given my stats and you can easily see that I do not fit the usual definition of being so since the poster child is usually some teen trying to starve into jeans. Yet simply defined it's anyone who does not take in enough nutrition to support their body's needs. So being large hits me double since I do have moments where my diet is on point and other days where I barely eat 1000 calories. This only shuts down my metabolism and makes developing muscle difficult since it's usually used as a food storage device since it's easiest to metabolize instead of fat. Fat will be used, but the body's first choice is muscle since effort is needed to convert it back into carbohydrates and usable once more. I've been doing well outside of a day or two of just not eating enough. I'm not one to binge on junk food unless I've called a cheat day or allotted enough calories for that purpose. And yet, there are moments where I have to fight to eat. It's a mind fuck considering that there are many people who can not eat enough and sadly I was one of them.

To sum quickly I was part of a cult where one of the tenants was to eat only one meal a day where the science proves that this would put you at a perpetual state of hunger. Funny how cults always want to stress stringent dietary control in order to keep those in line. This and the fact that my young family at the time were struggling to support ourselves, I often went without simply to make sure others had enough. Did I mention the TB? Yea, I caught that in my late teens when most males my age developed muscle. If I show you any photo of myself back then it would make me cringe considering that I resemble the poor souls starved in concentration camps. I'm not joking. It hurts me to see any of them and I only have one of an id card where I keep close whenever I get nostalgic for my time in a cult.

Terrifies me

Never gonna fall for

God and Man

Took me years to gain healthy weight. That and not learning how to eat healthy until in my mid-thirties. This was hard learned. I had to remove a lot of old cult crap and relearn how to properly take care of myself. Even now I have difficulty eating enough, perhaps out of habit of not eating enough for others to have. At the root I realize I have difficulty creating healthy boundaries, knowing my worth, and even trying to convince that I have a right to certain things. Gas lighting, berated, just being told that I have no worth by those who claim they love me. It's a mind fuck. It's the elephant in the room I'm still trying to grasp. It's the guilt of letting down some people who mean the world to me and others who want the worst for me, regardless if they admit it or not. In my time, I've had many people try to return to my life. Many on a continual loop of begging for forgiveness that I had given decades ago just to keep them away from me. Many of them never knew what I could endure, yet they forced me to. Many had treated me as something unwanted, yet needed. A constant reminder that I am worth nothing to many yet enough for reasons not of my own.

Don't believe

It's just the power to charm

No religion

So let me grab this elephant at least. I know I am not able to budge it or even hurt it, but I have to try if only to state what no one will say. I don't think I am loved. I don't think I am capable to love anyone. I don't think I have worth to deserve love. Considering the moments I've spent with people, I offer what they want the most only to realize that it's not what they want. I've played the role of the enabler at times until realizing that I am one. I've given of myself only to realize that I received nothing in exchange. I've soothed others of their rough moments only to have them leave and return despite if we were intimate or not. I've somehow had always been the other man, a supplement for 'dude, bros" and really sick individuals only to realize that I am disposable. I've always realized that anything I call love has been hospitality in the old sense where I tried to cure pain and ache in others and never finding cure for myself. I've always believed that people carried a missing piece of me, where they will give in return of what I could offer and yet I now know that no one has the piece. I simply become what they needed most until option are greater then I can renegotiate with.

Wow....I said it. Huh.....kind of freeing.

No confessions!

So after the last time I was torn asunder by someone I realized that patterns must fit. there has to be a running theme only to realize I am the common factor of all of them. It's not them, it has to be me. So celibacy was easy. But sex is fun and good and it bonds and such. I know that, even on a biochemical level, but when you bond to someone who isn't good for you time and time again you start to taste the bitterness over any sweetness. So it was easy to just stop. Do I get urges? Of course. Have I been aroused? Sure, I'm still human. Have people aroused me? Really fucking rare and those moments I'm kind of surprised that everything works considering I've put them into mental storage. So what do you do? I work out the urge. I do what I can to just not. Don't you miss it? I think I miss the idea more than the practice considering I'm not someone who can just sleep around. If I had the inclination or just an asshole vein in me I'd be ok! I'd welcome it! I'd would love to be a sociopath, or selfish or just to objectify others, but......

But things don't really change

There's no sign of life

.....been there, had it done to me, and I'm still hurting for it. I can't use people. I've had enough of that on the receiving side, even if it was mutual. I don't have that dead part or selfishness I need to do so. Hell, I can't even take care of myself. I don't have that thing that most people have to keep going. I don't have a sense of self-care. I know how to give everything and then some more from somewhere I have no idea. I give, I get pleasure in giving, and I can do without to give more. See the problem? It's getting a bit better. trying to want things and find it ok to want them, but they're superficial and I still have to try and justify it. I have to understand that it's ok to have a sense of self-perseverance and I'm not hurting anyone for just wanting a soda. Or a game console. Or a foot rub. Or just a kind word.

It's a mind fuck and I have it.

(God and Man)

I honestly don't know what I look like or if I attract others or why I do so. I don't trust anything, especially anything in a romantic nature. I've turned down a lot of people and played dumb if only to show them that I can't do this.

Don't believe

In Modern Love

18-year-old cutie jut want to fuck? Um.....you do know my daughter is older than you? Oh, you're really mature for your age? (NOPE!) Um.....no thanks and sorry.

It's just the power to charm

Oh, someone who really IS amazing and I have the greatest time with? Someone who I look forward to seeing each and every time? Um...yea, I'm not really people and I'm a bit of a train wreck, but I'm doing better since I've found the tracks now! So...yea....I'm going to have to pass.

Never gonna fall for

Oh, someone who is just cute? I'm actually feeling as if I can do this? Just a little flirting? Yea.....I just flipped the car and it's on fire and also I am carrying a torch cause I lit it on fire because I don't know how to people, but I do know to have a really fucked up moment with someone who doesn't speak plainly.

I'm still standing in the wind

Oh, you speak plainly? And you have intrest in me? You think I'm ideal and kind and worthy? Why? I don't believe you, no sorry. Also you seem as if you have everything ok with you and I'm afraid I might infect you...no no, I don't have HIV or the herps or other sex cooties. I just have the black cloud of WTF overhead and since I really do like you a lot I'm afraid I might make it shoot lightning meant for me onto you! I know.......I'm sorry too.....*waves bye bye*

But I never wave bye-bye

But I try, I try

.......ha ha ha ha....sorry, I have to laugh. I've done something to myself where I laugh off really fucked up things because if I start to cry it just fucks me off and if I laugh it off I can at least scare people with my reaction of not giving a flying fuck of any sense.....

.....but I do. I do and I don't know how to not train wreck. I honestly did discover the tracks and I'm trying so hard with Crazy Doc and I really want to....fuck me to hell, but I want to say it.....trust other people because they trust me and it kills me that I can't trust them if only because I know I'll fuck things up somehow and I don't know that I will or won't because of the past, hell, or just surviving actually moments that should have left me dead with people I love instead of being the one to walk away.

There's no sign of life

......these are the moments I wish I didn't get up. Sometimes dead is better than surviving. There, I said it.

I know when to go out

.....but I have a sense of vengeance. I have a sense where things have to be made right. That you don't let the fuckers win. EVER. And even if they do win you make that victory hard won on their part and you make the sweetness of your loss bitter and nasty to their palate with a promise of more fucking hell behind it. I want to make all the shit people put me through, willing/knowing or not, go away and have them know they didn't stick. I won. I endured. I beat it. I shrugged it off. I'm not a victim of circumstance and the shit they carried.

And when to stay in

So I force myself to eat calories that I have not eaten enough of. I force food into me in ways that work against my screaming desire to not consume. I run like the spitting llama I am and beat my body down the street. I work out and tell myself that I care. That I love me even if I don't know what that is. I try to find some worth if only on excel. I have to stay positive as if I was my own client even though it's the hardest thing being your own cheerleader when you're busy berating yourself as your drill sergeant. Like the mirror says, I have to be kind to myself even if my initial response is to laugh and say I don't need that. I need another boot up my ass and to keep going until I break......then I start all over while healing the manifestation of the hell I give myself.

But I try I try

Get things done

But things don't really change

......so, I'm trying. It's hard and I'm trying. I don't even know if I'm doing it for me more than I'm doing it for the principle. I don't have worth in my eyes, but the thought of this happening to anyone else does. So......here come guinea pig as I try to be positive, kind and just not continuing the hatred and anger of those who I removed decades ago because it's not right and I can't say "I don't deserve it".

I don't know if I'll get there. But I can eat another can of tuna when I'm sick of tuna. Or chicken. Or when no one is looking, hug myself and whisper that they're not here anymore and that I'm trying to care about the last person that I feel needs it.

But why?

I don't know, but I tried everything else and failed. I've still have to start being nice to me. Doesn't hurt. Maybe it will help. Maybe not, but at least I'll let everyone else kick me around instead of me. At this point, all I can hope is to look back and see if there was any progress. I don't have hunches. I go to the Crazy Doc. He tells me to work on this or that. I throw myself at it until one of us breaks. Pick myself up and repeat. I don't see a future. I don't see good times. I don't see myself getting old with loved ones. I see the process and maybe what I need to do tomorrow. One day I might be victorious. I might be remembered through this because I've committed a lethal temptation and people need to look over what they didn't see in order to find mental release. I don't know. Just keep writing. Keep working. Never assume anything and try to not hate who I am despite that I am quite good at it and seem to do it without knowing I'm doing so. I can only go with what I have instead of what I think or hope or believe.

I honestly can't trust myself, but that's ok. I have someone who I can trust and they say work at it and you'll get it. You'll find self-worth. You'll find peace. You can be happy. I realize that he's the last person I can trust because he has no stake in me making it or failing. He wants me to make it, but he wants me to make it my way so I know I did it. So that if I do finish I will realize that I built that in me, what I never had and it can not be broken.

*sigh* I hate trying to be positive. If I'm not you'll worry about me. I also hate being a miserable fuck not being able to lie well. Then I could do what desperate people do when no one sees. I want to just not hate myself. I want to be kind to others and not have people tear me apart anymore. I don't even see a day where I will find love, the picket fence or even normalcy. I don't think I'm there or meant for it. If I can give of myself without tearing myself apart I'll call it a victory. If there is any good from all of this I stopped believing that someone can save me. Love me. Make me whole. Not gonna happen. It's going to be me considering that this is the last bit of woo I let go. Some people can believe in soul mates, god, or the kindness of strangers. With everything I know, all I can depend on is the work of my two hands and if kindness comes my way I will return it.

Maybe I'll be disproven. Maybe I'll find a love to rival the ages. Maybe I'll meet god and they can apologize for some really fucked up shit I've seen, much less the shit that has happened on an imaginary watch. Maybe I'll trust humanity again. Maybe I'll fly into the air and live my life with dragons. I can't afford hope right now. The calvary will never come on time and the Warm Jets will not reach me when needed. Just my effort and work. I'm just thankful I have someone to correct my errors and point me the right way.

I have to save me. I have to love me. I have to take care of me.

I don't know if I can do that.
I just have to try.