There's something about driving towards a setting full moon while the rising sun peaks behind you. A romantic notion that seems to be wasted that I'm driving my way to work at 6:24 am. This is the kind of thing that you'd expect traveling on a desert road while a twangy guitar played on a slide rings out while the protagonist smokes their last bent cigarette while contemplating a higher meaning to their hard tasks at hand, finding none but the blatant chance that they will not walk away from this without regret.
Huh, that was awesome.
Yet, no. I'm heading to work and at the moment I sit outside to a cold and sunny LA morning that is a bit colder than we are used to. Tapping away on my laptop, I sit now trying to see what's worth sharing with you considering how much has passed by. I still have to share with you the catalyst that snapped me from where I was to where I'm going. A lot happened this December as well as the beginning of January that in many ways were predicting of trends that were seen in November. I already see at least seven to eight pieces that are at least the length past most people would tolerate to read. Sadly, we live in a twitter world that limits itself to few words, often time with short cuts and assumptions.
I'll try to share enough while rambling on.
I'm a bit amazed at my place in the world at the moment. My work week has been reduced from three days to two which cuts into the small pocket of spending cash that I was hoarding. Debts are going to be covered and I'll have enough cash to cover gas and work expenses, but I'm only seeing a bit that can be saved. It impedes me from actually being people and having cash to replace clothing, maintenance and any chance of future projects. It sucks, but at the same time, I realize that I'm ok with it. I have an extra day that I need to move on and to prepare for greener pastures. I have less money, but more time.
The part that I find odd is that I should find this as a worry and yet, I'm not. I've made plans in case things go sour and I'm taking my time to approach them. If anything I'm amazed that I had enough foresight to save up checks and use what cash I had to take care of means that I could not handle. If this happened some time ago, I would have been crushed in some way and just added this to another moment when life is not going to be fair or kind and simply suffer it.
And yet, I'm at an odd peace that I have not experienced outside of sparring. A chaotic moment where you know what your next move is, your momentum carrying you towards it with minimum effort and efficiency. I am walking in No Mind and as difficult or stressful the situation may become, I have this peace that is holding me up. I would almost find it perverse and horrid, assuming that a great worry was approaching and yet, I'm fine.
I'm not used to being like this and this is what bothers me in a small and almost insignificant way. I'm at peace and even seeing people blatantly attempt to disrupt that peace and gaining no ground in their methods not only confuse them, but has me wondering what am I going through.
The joke I made since October was that I was lying in the gutter, dying of a stroke while my mind has created a situation that has me improving and happy. Now I realize this is real and my life and even with the stones of life being tossed I do not feel anxiety or worry. I feel at peace, not taking into measures that I am almost in shock at what is happening. I'm not used to being happy or peaceful or relaxed.
I'm actually in control for once in my life and I am more than optimistic that I can and will change the direction my life is taking. I have the ability to choose what happens and how I will respond to any change. I feel that I can endure, thrive. and be happy in my endeavors.
And all of this is strange. So strange.
Not wanting it to go away, but realizing that I'm improving and I'm gaining something I've lost so long ago or never had.
So, yea.....that....I'm fine and well. I'm not sick or stressed. I'm mapping out where to go from here and for once I know I will attain it.
*looks at watch* And with that, I must leave. I apologize for my lack of writing and will continue soon.
Peace and love.
Be good to everyone.
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Friday, January 13, 2017
Thursday, December 1, 2016
A Progressive Outlook towards a Historically Dreadful Period of Time or I'm not afraid of December
Today is November 30th.
Tomorrow is December 1st.
I have to say it's been longer than a decade since I've not felt any anxiety towards December. It has been a difficult month for me for many reasons. December is when I discover when people in my life have passed or they do pass on in December. For the past three years, I've gotten horribly sick to the point where I begin to spit up blood and usually rush masked to the doctor for fear of TB kicking up. It's kind of rough being a human bomb, but thankfully each time I do see a doctor, go through X-rays and even spit into the tube, I only discover that it's not my lungs bleeding, but my throat, either because the last cold's cough was extremely rough on it hence the bleeding, or that I actually have some nasty bacteria wrecking havoc there.
Fun.
I've always eyed December with a dread of what could go wrong. I've always looked at January as some sort of safe haven and as horribly superstitious as it sounds, I focus on the new year as some sort of safe place to prevent me from losing more of my heath or even causing me an early demise. This year alone was difficult sitting in a chair trying to recuperate to the fears of many of you considering that most people judge my well being on the frequency I post on social media, as we agreed almost a decade ago. Most of you had to be told to stay away for fear of transferring my illness and I have plenty of people, watching me to make sure I was doing nothing but sleeping and eating what I could.
So, yea ....December has always been horribly difficult. And yet, I'm here once more in front of Starbucks, before work writing this, sipping on Guatemalan Dark coffee with nothing more but thoughts and plans for December. I have weekend plans with friends and looking forward to fixing things that I had to forgo due to lack of funds. I'm on a long-term plan to make my life a bit easier and even calculating how soon I can write off my debt and even plans to make life easier. There was once a time when I would look at people walking their dogs on a Saturday and wish I had that experience. For the past three years, I've remedied a solution that was as close as possible to that dream and yet I look forward to a phantom dream of waking up on a Saturday at my own place to a happy German Shepard, Rachel....I'd name her Rachel, and maybe even a pot belly piglet, Franky/Frannie Bacon.
I'd laugh at that and know it was not possible. Then again, now with October changing everything, and yes, I must write about it soon and I'm already putting that into words, yet it honestly gave me the only thing I ever wanted: The Opportunity. If there's anything I hate the most it's stagnation. The past 10 years has been a testament to stagnation. I struggled at a snail pace to graduate to the jeers of many not understanding that I was last of a stubborn group of people who refused to leave until college has become completely unaffordable. The fact that it took me that long to graduate instead of succumbing to just negligent policies is more of a boon rather than a hindrance. Above all, I learned to be patient, prepared, and ready.
Yet throughout the years those traits become dull and rusty when continuing to grind at a snail pace. Goals seem prolonged to reach then distant then intangible. What used to be a plan to advance become a battle for principle. Motivation becomes an obligation and ends up into a monotonous drone that numbs you. If anyone wanted to know how long someone can endure this kind of spirit-breaking torture I'd say it took me a decade. Nights of closing your eyes to waking staring up into ceilings pondering why you should get up again can be grating on anything close to determination. And yet everything seemed to hit a peak of disappointment when December approached and hard question would have to be ignored if only to retain on to hope. Yet when you begin to grasp on hope and faith (firm belief in something for which there is no proof) is the only thing you have left, you know you lost and you don't have any more moves. All you can do is wait.
It's the waiting that does you in.
Yet this year is different.
This year I'm in therapy and I was able to confront issues that I had no idea existed. This year I was able to understand what that nagging feeling was when I believed I was lacking something to prevent people for projecting their weaknesses and limitations onto me. I learned to build boundaries where I can take a step back and negate the advances of people who see me as a scapegoat, a hindrance, a simply excuse to place all of their woes upon. I learned to drop was never my "crazy" and to acknowledge what IS mine and to have the confidence to take it head on and challenge it as it once dominated me. That was October in an abstract. That was the month I took the word of someone who had no interest, wager, or stake in my life, for good or bad, and actually put myself in the crucible. It's where I learn to benefit from my own traits of endurance, stubbornness, patience, and a drive that I am now understanding has been held down for far too long.
I've discovered new things about myself that I never had to see, as if I was always in a constant blur and I was now seeing for the first time. I realize that the world is not out to get me, despite how much I've prepared to defend against such an attack. And if it even does it's pitiful and even almost not worth the effort. I've learned that I am in a new emotional renaissance where I tasted food for the first time. I was seeing colors and shapes that I always used to pass by and finally see them for what they are. My time of dormant mind has reawakened me to a new hedonistic hunger that I can now indulge in rather than be the ingredient to someone else's need. I realize that there really isn't anything left to hold me back but the phantom of what I was defending myself from everything that held me back. Almost as if an over reaction towards an immunity, my own defenses has imprisoned me from anyone's reach and trapped me in solitude.
And yet, the past two months I learned I am almost immortal or at least in relation to everything that has held me back. It's almost freeing how you can now pinch off something as a stray insect from your shoulder that once held you down and made you struggle to continue. How my immediate reaction towards anyone attempting to "pull one over" is a braying of laughter and a hardy, "nope". How hugging my most delicious of friends is actually comforting now rather than empty. And when I leave my most favorite of companions I do not feel the hollowness of losing their embrace and kindness or even feeling how I drew as much happiness for my own from them in order to make a few paces away only to feel the lingering phantoms of such affection. Now I leave with a bursting heart, as if my love was a damned river bursting through and flooding the once parched landscape. I want to go further in my vagabond way, now knowing there is no tether of obligation holding me back, but a need from others that I can or can not oblige.
I finally have choices, options and advantages rather than tightening a belt, pinching a penny that never existed, and a daunting duty to grind my life away. As I finish this post on December 1st, I can honestly say that that is now over. If life does get difficult, and oh it will get difficult #TheMostGloriousofDumpsterFires, I know that I can endure, move forward and make the lives of others better also. I'm not dreading what will come because I had overcame the greatest of enemies and it was me. In protecting myself I almost killed myself. I mean, I can't begin to explain to you how much of a challenge I was. And yet, once I challaenged the right places I come to realize that I was holding on to what was killing me.
So I let go........just let it go.....
.....boom.....
......and that's all it took.
Yea, I'm shocked as you are. And sitting today on Dec. 1st I'm not dreading or fearful or having to be proactive to make certain I'm not alone, out of reach, or lacking in any drive as I sprint towards January, but I am hopeful, safe, and even eager to see what will come my way. I feel nothing can pull me down unless I will it so.
So....yea.....I'm good. I'm ok. I'm more than fine. For the first time in a long time, I am at peace and ready for what life has in store for me. Even if I hit a set back, I'm not going to lose this. I mean once you face yourself and win, is there nothing you can endure?
......right?
Peace and Love.
Tomorrow is December 1st.
I have to say it's been longer than a decade since I've not felt any anxiety towards December. It has been a difficult month for me for many reasons. December is when I discover when people in my life have passed or they do pass on in December. For the past three years, I've gotten horribly sick to the point where I begin to spit up blood and usually rush masked to the doctor for fear of TB kicking up. It's kind of rough being a human bomb, but thankfully each time I do see a doctor, go through X-rays and even spit into the tube, I only discover that it's not my lungs bleeding, but my throat, either because the last cold's cough was extremely rough on it hence the bleeding, or that I actually have some nasty bacteria wrecking havoc there.
Fun.
I've always eyed December with a dread of what could go wrong. I've always looked at January as some sort of safe haven and as horribly superstitious as it sounds, I focus on the new year as some sort of safe place to prevent me from losing more of my heath or even causing me an early demise. This year alone was difficult sitting in a chair trying to recuperate to the fears of many of you considering that most people judge my well being on the frequency I post on social media, as we agreed almost a decade ago. Most of you had to be told to stay away for fear of transferring my illness and I have plenty of people, watching me to make sure I was doing nothing but sleeping and eating what I could.
So, yea ....December has always been horribly difficult. And yet, I'm here once more in front of Starbucks, before work writing this, sipping on Guatemalan Dark coffee with nothing more but thoughts and plans for December. I have weekend plans with friends and looking forward to fixing things that I had to forgo due to lack of funds. I'm on a long-term plan to make my life a bit easier and even calculating how soon I can write off my debt and even plans to make life easier. There was once a time when I would look at people walking their dogs on a Saturday and wish I had that experience. For the past three years, I've remedied a solution that was as close as possible to that dream and yet I look forward to a phantom dream of waking up on a Saturday at my own place to a happy German Shepard, Rachel....I'd name her Rachel, and maybe even a pot belly piglet, Franky/Frannie Bacon.
I'd laugh at that and know it was not possible. Then again, now with October changing everything, and yes, I must write about it soon and I'm already putting that into words, yet it honestly gave me the only thing I ever wanted: The Opportunity. If there's anything I hate the most it's stagnation. The past 10 years has been a testament to stagnation. I struggled at a snail pace to graduate to the jeers of many not understanding that I was last of a stubborn group of people who refused to leave until college has become completely unaffordable. The fact that it took me that long to graduate instead of succumbing to just negligent policies is more of a boon rather than a hindrance. Above all, I learned to be patient, prepared, and ready.
Yet throughout the years those traits become dull and rusty when continuing to grind at a snail pace. Goals seem prolonged to reach then distant then intangible. What used to be a plan to advance become a battle for principle. Motivation becomes an obligation and ends up into a monotonous drone that numbs you. If anyone wanted to know how long someone can endure this kind of spirit-breaking torture I'd say it took me a decade. Nights of closing your eyes to waking staring up into ceilings pondering why you should get up again can be grating on anything close to determination. And yet everything seemed to hit a peak of disappointment when December approached and hard question would have to be ignored if only to retain on to hope. Yet when you begin to grasp on hope and faith (firm belief in something for which there is no proof) is the only thing you have left, you know you lost and you don't have any more moves. All you can do is wait.
It's the waiting that does you in.
Yet this year is different.
This year I'm in therapy and I was able to confront issues that I had no idea existed. This year I was able to understand what that nagging feeling was when I believed I was lacking something to prevent people for projecting their weaknesses and limitations onto me. I learned to build boundaries where I can take a step back and negate the advances of people who see me as a scapegoat, a hindrance, a simply excuse to place all of their woes upon. I learned to drop was never my "crazy" and to acknowledge what IS mine and to have the confidence to take it head on and challenge it as it once dominated me. That was October in an abstract. That was the month I took the word of someone who had no interest, wager, or stake in my life, for good or bad, and actually put myself in the crucible. It's where I learn to benefit from my own traits of endurance, stubbornness, patience, and a drive that I am now understanding has been held down for far too long.
I've discovered new things about myself that I never had to see, as if I was always in a constant blur and I was now seeing for the first time. I realize that the world is not out to get me, despite how much I've prepared to defend against such an attack. And if it even does it's pitiful and even almost not worth the effort. I've learned that I am in a new emotional renaissance where I tasted food for the first time. I was seeing colors and shapes that I always used to pass by and finally see them for what they are. My time of dormant mind has reawakened me to a new hedonistic hunger that I can now indulge in rather than be the ingredient to someone else's need. I realize that there really isn't anything left to hold me back but the phantom of what I was defending myself from everything that held me back. Almost as if an over reaction towards an immunity, my own defenses has imprisoned me from anyone's reach and trapped me in solitude.
And yet, the past two months I learned I am almost immortal or at least in relation to everything that has held me back. It's almost freeing how you can now pinch off something as a stray insect from your shoulder that once held you down and made you struggle to continue. How my immediate reaction towards anyone attempting to "pull one over" is a braying of laughter and a hardy, "nope". How hugging my most delicious of friends is actually comforting now rather than empty. And when I leave my most favorite of companions I do not feel the hollowness of losing their embrace and kindness or even feeling how I drew as much happiness for my own from them in order to make a few paces away only to feel the lingering phantoms of such affection. Now I leave with a bursting heart, as if my love was a damned river bursting through and flooding the once parched landscape. I want to go further in my vagabond way, now knowing there is no tether of obligation holding me back, but a need from others that I can or can not oblige.
I finally have choices, options and advantages rather than tightening a belt, pinching a penny that never existed, and a daunting duty to grind my life away. As I finish this post on December 1st, I can honestly say that that is now over. If life does get difficult, and oh it will get difficult #TheMostGloriousofDumpsterFires, I know that I can endure, move forward and make the lives of others better also. I'm not dreading what will come because I had overcame the greatest of enemies and it was me. In protecting myself I almost killed myself. I mean, I can't begin to explain to you how much of a challenge I was. And yet, once I challaenged the right places I come to realize that I was holding on to what was killing me.
So I let go........just let it go.....
.....boom.....
......and that's all it took.
Yea, I'm shocked as you are. And sitting today on Dec. 1st I'm not dreading or fearful or having to be proactive to make certain I'm not alone, out of reach, or lacking in any drive as I sprint towards January, but I am hopeful, safe, and even eager to see what will come my way. I feel nothing can pull me down unless I will it so.
So....yea.....I'm good. I'm ok. I'm more than fine. For the first time in a long time, I am at peace and ready for what life has in store for me. Even if I hit a set back, I'm not going to lose this. I mean once you face yourself and win, is there nothing you can endure?
......right?
Peace and Love.
Monday, November 14, 2016
The Merriment of Progeny who's Levity Rivals only your Own Despite of Communal and Unrelated Trauma or A moment with The Girl
I'm sitting inside of a tight counter restaurant with my daughter known for Southern food in NoHo. This is a bit of a surprise considering that I was told to expect the most amazing seafood. It's a shruggable moment considering my daughter is a bit of a flake that's been chipped off of the big flake that is yours truly. I adore her immensely and she's one of the rays of light in my life. And at this moment in this very claustrophobic counter space that almost resembles half a train car, she 's chatting up our very attentive server. A gorgeous woman with bright brown eyes and the skin of rich obsidian with a hint of a Caribbean accent that brings out much more of her charm.
I'm a bit annoyed considering I haven't seen my daughter in a few months and she all of a sudden said she wanted to meet me for a Sunday meal. I've figured that the time away was due to her work schedule and perhaps meeting a certain someone who makes them feel special even at a time like this. Although her sexuality does give me a bit of a headache only in categorizing who she prefers and who'd she'd be intimate, but that's more of a pet peeve of mine when it comes to categorization and imaginary Ven Diagrams. Either way, I'm watching her interact with this woman wondering if she sparked her fancy and that either she's just very interested in our conversation or it was simply being in close quarters and just passing the time with a bit of a chat.
Yea, I can't read the situation or I'm just trying to negate it. Yea, she's really interested in our relationship and I'm used to being considered a perv on sight considering my daughter has my side of the family's dominant genes that make her this magnificent goddess of form, to say the least. I've overheard many a jerk call her out on the proportions of her body and in many ways tried to have her embrace her form rather than have an almost destructive puritanical mindset of an army of dicks surging her. We both know it's true and she's more than capable to handling herself against any criticism and rude gesture. It's simply the shock of it all considering that I at times am amazed at how small she used to be and that her giggles used to be the motivation of my life. I adore her and even now she makes me proud as any person can be for their progeny.
And yet, we have our issues and problems and much soon after we leave the restaurant to find a smaller venue in shade, to hear why she had been missing from my life once more and how we should continue to keep in touch regardless of how hard life can get. The word that I'd rather not mention her get floated around and I hear her tale of difficulty not understanding the value of true friends who run towards you when you begin to stumble and fall. And how our pasts, both filled with turmoil, trauma, and difficulty have taken a cost in our lives that we are beginning to comprehend and gather understanding on what we can do as individuals and as family.
I remind her that although I am her father and I know more and have an abundance of experience, she is the captain of her own vessel and there is a great chance I may not understand her situation. She has ultimate veto. She has the ability to take taking or disregarding my advice as she see fit, and I remind her that we are equals now and that she has a voice that she must exercise with me and others in order to set boundaries and guides for relationships. I know she's a "big girl" and "daddy" won't be there to pick her up at times, but she can come see me for council and I will always be in her corner despite anything outside of murder and how to eat sushi. We laugh and she learned hard lessons that I realized came at a great cost. I was not there to come to her aid because I was seen as father, a title that harms me in this moment, rather than friend. Thankfully her own circle of magnificent individuals came to her aid and showed her the value of a true friend.
I stifled my emotion because I wanted to weep because of what trespassed and I wanted to be there. And yet, I more than understand. Sometimes we do not seek the comfort of those who will pull us up and we hide ourselves in our pain and misery. I'm thankful for these people who did what I would do and she snapped out of her self-delusion that mistrust and pain can put us in. I offered my place in her life, not as one to pass judgment, but as an outsider. I mention how in truth I could not raise her considering her and her brother were taken to Ohio and places unknown by her mother. A satellite parent is only viable if they are able to keep communication. Sadly, that was the first thing to be lost and in the matter for 4 or so years, I've heard stories that confirmed my fears, caused me much heartbreak, and have caused me to burn in impotent rage at what came about by "well-meaning individuals" who believe that their words is beyond law and the cost was grave.
The worst thing about trauma is that it's much like a hand grenade. It does damage and even if some die, some are affected permanently, other can recover and some even were out fo the blast, that trauma took a price from each of those people in the room where none of them were free of harm and without help that moment will dictate the horrors to come. We all started therapy roughly at the same time. We all tried to deal with that grenade and what it took from each of us and what it took from others and how do we move on.
Even now I can not help to think that some 4 years ago I was determined to end my life. I still can see the pain and hurt I was enduring with no exit, held back from pleading for help by social constructs that murder us all in the end. My sole choice was to end it reasonable until someone dear to me had beat me to the punch. And even then I witnessed how my friend took his life weeks before me and the only thought in my head was anger towards him ruining my exit.
And then, I broke. I started to realize that silence was what people knew best from these people. Not their pain, but silence. So not wanted to leave in the same way I broke the last band I had on me and I spoke out. I want to die. I am not well. I have endured my lot and I can not go one to see tomorrow. It scared many and I didn't care. I wanted them to know why I was leaving and why I was going to commit a "sin" towards everyone. To leave them with my horror, not stifling it with the end of my life.
That's the fucked up part, you don't end it, just you. You end your endurance, but pass on the burden and hell of the moment.
I still think of those days. Even now as I am so far from it, I can almost feel the lingering grasp of those desperate and hurtful moments. It's a part of me. It's still with me and I know if I do not remain diligent and honest, I will allow it to take me. Even now how October changed everything and November has proved difficult for years to come, I know I can endure more and that I don't have to. My outsider has told me to embrace my huge circle of friends not as someone who'd protect them, but as someone who need comfort and to be healed. I let myself be weak, even though it's my greatest bane. I can not allow myself to.
And yet, that only lead towards my death.
So I did. I challenged myself and pushed myself and I gained greatly.
I'm happy I did not take my life and for those in my life, who work often as outsiders who pull me out of the vicious cycle my mind can create and heal me with the closest of embraces and a whisper of, "You are ok, I have you."
Even now, I wonder what could have been if I only tried to do what I could not back then. I knew I could not, but now I look back at it as meaningless. Time wasted.
I return you now moments before our leaving the tiny restaurant with hot grill and the magnificent figure of womanhood my daughter was talking up. At our leaving all I could endure was to wonder why I felt so awkward and odd. And yet, I wanted out of the small space and odd air, My daughter asked for this woman's number.
Why?
Well for Dad, especially considering she was apparently flirting with me and I ignore it simply because I was with her and wanted to hear so much from her. Sorry, I was in Dad mode and I'm focused only on my kid. There was a time when, as I reflect that my daughter had always turned away any attention given to me by women, announcing that I was radiantly gay and happy with my out behaviour and lifestyle. She did this because she didn't want her father to find anyone else. She wanted this because she kept hope for her parents reuniting. She did this because this was something she could do. Many times I'd laugh, only being social to ensure that both my children receive as many sprinkles on their ice cream as possible that a beaming smile can receive. And yet, I was always "outed" to teachers, parents, women simply asking, or anyone not male asking me for the time of day. She even told one man that I was straight when he asked if it was true that I was out.
My daughter. And now she's getting her number. For dad.
I know.......my daughter has inherited my taste for chaos, mirth, and shenanigans.
I can not be more proud of her.
I'm a bit annoyed considering I haven't seen my daughter in a few months and she all of a sudden said she wanted to meet me for a Sunday meal. I've figured that the time away was due to her work schedule and perhaps meeting a certain someone who makes them feel special even at a time like this. Although her sexuality does give me a bit of a headache only in categorizing who she prefers and who'd she'd be intimate, but that's more of a pet peeve of mine when it comes to categorization and imaginary Ven Diagrams. Either way, I'm watching her interact with this woman wondering if she sparked her fancy and that either she's just very interested in our conversation or it was simply being in close quarters and just passing the time with a bit of a chat.
Yea, I can't read the situation or I'm just trying to negate it. Yea, she's really interested in our relationship and I'm used to being considered a perv on sight considering my daughter has my side of the family's dominant genes that make her this magnificent goddess of form, to say the least. I've overheard many a jerk call her out on the proportions of her body and in many ways tried to have her embrace her form rather than have an almost destructive puritanical mindset of an army of dicks surging her. We both know it's true and she's more than capable to handling herself against any criticism and rude gesture. It's simply the shock of it all considering that I at times am amazed at how small she used to be and that her giggles used to be the motivation of my life. I adore her and even now she makes me proud as any person can be for their progeny.
And yet, we have our issues and problems and much soon after we leave the restaurant to find a smaller venue in shade, to hear why she had been missing from my life once more and how we should continue to keep in touch regardless of how hard life can get. The word that I'd rather not mention her get floated around and I hear her tale of difficulty not understanding the value of true friends who run towards you when you begin to stumble and fall. And how our pasts, both filled with turmoil, trauma, and difficulty have taken a cost in our lives that we are beginning to comprehend and gather understanding on what we can do as individuals and as family.
I remind her that although I am her father and I know more and have an abundance of experience, she is the captain of her own vessel and there is a great chance I may not understand her situation. She has ultimate veto. She has the ability to take taking or disregarding my advice as she see fit, and I remind her that we are equals now and that she has a voice that she must exercise with me and others in order to set boundaries and guides for relationships. I know she's a "big girl" and "daddy" won't be there to pick her up at times, but she can come see me for council and I will always be in her corner despite anything outside of murder and how to eat sushi. We laugh and she learned hard lessons that I realized came at a great cost. I was not there to come to her aid because I was seen as father, a title that harms me in this moment, rather than friend. Thankfully her own circle of magnificent individuals came to her aid and showed her the value of a true friend.
I stifled my emotion because I wanted to weep because of what trespassed and I wanted to be there. And yet, I more than understand. Sometimes we do not seek the comfort of those who will pull us up and we hide ourselves in our pain and misery. I'm thankful for these people who did what I would do and she snapped out of her self-delusion that mistrust and pain can put us in. I offered my place in her life, not as one to pass judgment, but as an outsider. I mention how in truth I could not raise her considering her and her brother were taken to Ohio and places unknown by her mother. A satellite parent is only viable if they are able to keep communication. Sadly, that was the first thing to be lost and in the matter for 4 or so years, I've heard stories that confirmed my fears, caused me much heartbreak, and have caused me to burn in impotent rage at what came about by "well-meaning individuals" who believe that their words is beyond law and the cost was grave.
The worst thing about trauma is that it's much like a hand grenade. It does damage and even if some die, some are affected permanently, other can recover and some even were out fo the blast, that trauma took a price from each of those people in the room where none of them were free of harm and without help that moment will dictate the horrors to come. We all started therapy roughly at the same time. We all tried to deal with that grenade and what it took from each of us and what it took from others and how do we move on.
Even now I can not help to think that some 4 years ago I was determined to end my life. I still can see the pain and hurt I was enduring with no exit, held back from pleading for help by social constructs that murder us all in the end. My sole choice was to end it reasonable until someone dear to me had beat me to the punch. And even then I witnessed how my friend took his life weeks before me and the only thought in my head was anger towards him ruining my exit.
And then, I broke. I started to realize that silence was what people knew best from these people. Not their pain, but silence. So not wanted to leave in the same way I broke the last band I had on me and I spoke out. I want to die. I am not well. I have endured my lot and I can not go one to see tomorrow. It scared many and I didn't care. I wanted them to know why I was leaving and why I was going to commit a "sin" towards everyone. To leave them with my horror, not stifling it with the end of my life.
That's the fucked up part, you don't end it, just you. You end your endurance, but pass on the burden and hell of the moment.
I still think of those days. Even now as I am so far from it, I can almost feel the lingering grasp of those desperate and hurtful moments. It's a part of me. It's still with me and I know if I do not remain diligent and honest, I will allow it to take me. Even now how October changed everything and November has proved difficult for years to come, I know I can endure more and that I don't have to. My outsider has told me to embrace my huge circle of friends not as someone who'd protect them, but as someone who need comfort and to be healed. I let myself be weak, even though it's my greatest bane. I can not allow myself to.
And yet, that only lead towards my death.
So I did. I challenged myself and pushed myself and I gained greatly.
I'm happy I did not take my life and for those in my life, who work often as outsiders who pull me out of the vicious cycle my mind can create and heal me with the closest of embraces and a whisper of, "You are ok, I have you."
Even now, I wonder what could have been if I only tried to do what I could not back then. I knew I could not, but now I look back at it as meaningless. Time wasted.
I return you now moments before our leaving the tiny restaurant with hot grill and the magnificent figure of womanhood my daughter was talking up. At our leaving all I could endure was to wonder why I felt so awkward and odd. And yet, I wanted out of the small space and odd air, My daughter asked for this woman's number.
Why?
Well for Dad, especially considering she was apparently flirting with me and I ignore it simply because I was with her and wanted to hear so much from her. Sorry, I was in Dad mode and I'm focused only on my kid. There was a time when, as I reflect that my daughter had always turned away any attention given to me by women, announcing that I was radiantly gay and happy with my out behaviour and lifestyle. She did this because she didn't want her father to find anyone else. She wanted this because she kept hope for her parents reuniting. She did this because this was something she could do. Many times I'd laugh, only being social to ensure that both my children receive as many sprinkles on their ice cream as possible that a beaming smile can receive. And yet, I was always "outed" to teachers, parents, women simply asking, or anyone not male asking me for the time of day. She even told one man that I was straight when he asked if it was true that I was out.
My daughter. And now she's getting her number. For dad.
I know.......my daughter has inherited my taste for chaos, mirth, and shenanigans.
I can not be more proud of her.
Friday, October 14, 2016
How One's Personal Image may Enhance us All or First the haircut, then the science, and THEN the peace....
If you give Auggie a haircut, he's going to want to comb his hair.
To comb his hair, he's going to choose to shower rather than wet his head at the sink.
Once out the shower, he's going to want to put on regular clothes rather than his sweats/pjs.
Once getting dressed in clothes, he's going to look in the mirror and notice he looks good from his working out.
Once he notices his work, he's going to brush his teeth in case he ends up speaking to people.
Once is teeth is brushed, he's going to live longer since unbrushed teeth has a correlation with heart disease
Once he feels healthy, he's going to end up smiling despite of not knowing he is.
Once he smiles, people will not recoil as much from his aura of malice.
Once he reduces his aura of malice, he's going to notice people do not look at him in worry.
Once he notices people are kinder towards him, he's going to feel good about himself.
Once he feels good about himself, he's going to make a greater effort in improving himself.
Once me makes a greater effort, he's going to challenge himself in moments that would bother him socially.
Once he challenges himself socially, he will conclude there is nothing to worry and he will relax.
Once he relaxes, he'll smile more and work against his stutter and issues.
Once he beats his stutter and issues, he will regain that magnificent confidence.
Once his confidence is secured, he will challenge the world and the realms of science.
Once the scientific realms are challenged, we will achieve greatness in flying cars and less stupid people.
With less stupid people, a new age of enlightenment will begin.
Once we arrive at our age of enlightenment, Auggie will be happy.
But only if his hair is ok......
*bows in silliness and mock importance*
To comb his hair, he's going to choose to shower rather than wet his head at the sink.
Once out the shower, he's going to want to put on regular clothes rather than his sweats/pjs.
Once getting dressed in clothes, he's going to look in the mirror and notice he looks good from his working out.
Once he notices his work, he's going to brush his teeth in case he ends up speaking to people.
Once is teeth is brushed, he's going to live longer since unbrushed teeth has a correlation with heart disease
Once he feels healthy, he's going to end up smiling despite of not knowing he is.
Once he smiles, people will not recoil as much from his aura of malice.
Once he reduces his aura of malice, he's going to notice people do not look at him in worry.
Once he notices people are kinder towards him, he's going to feel good about himself.
Once he feels good about himself, he's going to make a greater effort in improving himself.
Once me makes a greater effort, he's going to challenge himself in moments that would bother him socially.
Once he challenges himself socially, he will conclude there is nothing to worry and he will relax.
Once he relaxes, he'll smile more and work against his stutter and issues.
Once he beats his stutter and issues, he will regain that magnificent confidence.
Once his confidence is secured, he will challenge the world and the realms of science.
Once the scientific realms are challenged, we will achieve greatness in flying cars and less stupid people.
With less stupid people, a new age of enlightenment will begin.
Once we arrive at our age of enlightenment, Auggie will be happy.
But only if his hair is ok......
*bows in silliness and mock importance*
When Birds of a Feather have to Reclaim One of their Own or I get by with a little help.....
Today was a curve ball. That's as best as I can describe it.
There are few moments when I can reconnect with people at home. I think I had that moment, if only for a second. Things got stupid for someone who somehow was expected to work the impossible when it was not her burden. It was a similar moment I had when I learned what a boundary was. It was literally cartoony, blatant as hell at how insanely stupid the moment was and against everything my better judgment offered I still reached out, not as a relative, or someone who is also surviving tendrils of abuse, but as a human being who wanted to offer a solution almost as fresh as spring water, cold and refreshing to them. In my most earnest and open way, I reached out and offered advice on how they should learn to create sure boundaries that prevent people from assuming you are the scapegoat of their ineptitude. I think I reached, but I will never know and I do not have that hope that most deluded or innocent people have. My time was running out, I needed to go, but I stayed as long as I could, hoping my words had meaning and that they reached them. Perhaps I am nieve, a small child who simply wants us all to do well, to be healed, to be free of nightmares past. I had to reach out and only when nausea hit me I had to go, trying to hold in imaginary sustenance.
I would have to be a fool to say I am that jaded. I just don't want to be hurt anymore, even if I have to grimace and pretend it isn't to ruin any victory to those who find nourishment in the pain of others. I am strong, but there are moments when I have to lay down in seclusion and fall apart from holding in so much. I was already feeling that I was getting sick and that would ruin what plans I had left that was not taken from me. As much as I hate to show it, it kills me every time that I disappoint anyone I care about. I once repealed so many until they forced themselves into my morbid and empty life to accept that I was their friend and even brother in this small moment we call life. I never wanted to be loved or depended on. I've failed so many before and failing more only weaken me in ways that I can never display to others. Moments that make me wish for early death. Moments that I know that once you disappoint someone you lost that mercy when they see you as you wish you were rather than what you are. That is my only chance to hide among so many of you.
Yet, I drove off pondering my time now. Things were looking better and I have yet to explain to many patient people what pulls me so only to realize that it doesn't matter. In the end, it really doesn't. The law is cold and sharp and cuts where it chooses to despite what you exclaim as truth or why it happened. There is no gray because it takes time to consider it. It's simple to line everyone up, ignoring motive and effort and mark them as you see fit. I was starting to accept that I'm was going to have to swallow some more. I was going to have to ingest something that I still believe was not my lot or what I am. Does not matter. Because I was placed in the role despite of those whose hands wroth such actions are worse off than I ever could imagine being. Haunted by the actions of individuals who I would consider forces of nature and destruction that you'd have to be a fool to believe they ever had compassion or free will of their own. Individuals who still seek forgiveness that I can no longer give despite of how hard I seclude myself from them.
It's why I whispered those who suffered the hells for another's hand and whispered a merciful thought that they can walk away with no connection. There is nothing and no one to bind them for decades.n Once they find the strength to walk away I myself will ensure they will never follow.
I wish I was so lucky.
In my melancholy reflection, I've realized I missed my exit and had to endure with my waiting to exit a congested street that only led to slow drivers and construction. With unknown patience, I suffered my way to the parking structure and exited for a bowl of happiness and a friends time. Too stuck in my own mind to see them already ordered and seated I walk about wondering if I sent them elsewhere and I now must contemplate how to beg forgiveness. Mercifully they arrived to pull me back from my own mind and into the restaurant. Fighting nausea and possible stressed sickness, I choose a regular bowl of what I usually can not have enough. Soup so well prepared that it can always fill you up with warmth and happiness. Immediately, I remember how delicious a friend they are as they pull me back to who I am supposed to be. My closest friends know when I am lost and in their ways, they either snap me out of my mental imprisonment. This one friend I am more than convinced is a Disney Princess despite what can be seen, but what is felt. They are of a gentle nature that they can soothe even my apathy with almost an erupting song of hope, joy, and love that seem to be sung as if The Rose was near. They are One of my most cherished Unicorns who always have a way of pulling the small, trusting child out. The child that loves freely and fears nothing. People such as them are rare and I have two who share a bond that would cause envy to any antediluvian deity.
In minutes, I lose the weight upon my shoulders and I feel free. We laugh and they shares moments saved for my enjoyment since we are not able to spend days together. We share laughs and insight and even an occasional stroll in order to digest what we had eaten in the most enjoyable way. They understand my fury and angst against places which does not serve Taro, especially since it's almost a birthright to said places. They understand that I say the most oddest of things and even allow my puckish nature to escape if only to show them that I can be roguish, I just choose to behave due to their Princess song. Then naturally we end up changing roles allowing me to sing to birds who will do my chores and have them play with mirth and mischevious acts.
I mean, thats what friends do.......share, no?
We find a cafe and we sip our forms of tea, them with boba, I with delicate glass tea cup and saucer. I always regret that I can not find a monocle and top hat to exclaim to the world how posh I am in these moments and realize my pinky extended is my only method of conveyance. Yet we sit and sip and soon I arrive at the point where I can speak. And they listen.
They know my ache. They know well what poisons me and what causes me to lament in seclusion. A story that always causes me to lose effort and desire to be, only to realize compassion sits across from me. I always risk losing people with my stories. No.....memories. they sadden me thinking of them and the only way I can speak them is monotone to prevent me from shedding tears. I used to tell my tale decades ago as just that, tales. I always lost people whose constitution was not prepared for such. I used to lose people who always looked at me differently, either with pity or dread as if I would get misery on them. They are made from....well, Disney princess stuffs so they listen, nod and tell me what I never want to hear.
"It's not your fault. This horrible thing just happened to you and you're trying, we all see you trying to get out of it. Please keep trying."
Right? Warms your heart, huh.
We spend out moments together a bit longer as we wince from soreness and perceived age. We embrace and promise we will see each other soon. They are a goodness. I need people like them in my life.
I end my nomadic pilgrimage at the residence of the Shorte Blonde who greets me with warmth and love at the door. After fixing her meal and-and allowing her to stretch her legs she joins me in the spare room and find her usual nook to curl up with me and slumber. We are at peace until her people arrive at which more of my closest friends arrive and I slowly awaken to see their most adorable progeny grinning a smile of pure sunshine. Her namesake, or what I perceive as her namesake, just won the Nobel prize for literature and decades ago tramped his way across the nation with an open tuned six string and a book of lyrics. I embrace her and lift her above me to land into loud smooches and smiles. She is also happy to see me. We sit and dinner is offered with close embraces and kind words.
I am lucky. I have so many magnificent people. It was how my Crazy Doc pulled me up, by my love. How can such a wretched creature be surrounded by such magnificent people if he too was not one of them?
Boom, right? I still don't think I'm special, but I have the most amazing gathering of awesome in the form of people.
We spend time, they allow me to join their family as if I was their own as so many do, and I offer what I pass on for love.
In the end, I collect my thoughts now, everyone including the Short Blonde slumbering in peace. I look over to my watch with my small collection of picks, CPR mask for that case of horror to come, and a small disk with a tiny dagger next to it. In harsh moments, where I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and a bit of leniency I look at the words etched upon it and remind myself I have another delicious friend who boasts that I can not abandon her for the amount of time passed has endured a decade and that I'm stuck with her. I laugh now, realizing she also has pulled such a pessimistic ass out of his own idea of angst. Due to distance, her, like many, can not be close enough to arrive at my door and force me out. She has to rely on the most amazing banter, pleading for my stubborn ass to visit North, and small reminders that she is there even though she can not be there in person.......to tell me I'm being stupid.
She understands how close I've been and how closeI can get to the Abyss. The Abyss is distant now, but there is always wisps near and a threat that I can lose my initiative and fail all saving throws, even though I love to say, "I'm fine."
Sitting now, writing to another I realize I am wealthy. I have people throughout the nation who knows who I am. I mean the real me. The one who isn't scary, or stupidly odd, or *shrugs*.
I mean, for someone to endure me is amazing. And if I honestly sit and think I'm surrounded by so many who love me, who think I have some value, who know I always aim to do the right thing, even if it's......odd...that my social anxiety always drives me to oddness and when it's really bad they can lure me out with a cookie or two. I mean, can I honestly complain?
No.....I can not.
Life is hard, yet life is also good and if I work hard, it will become better.
Peace and love.
Be good to each other, no?
There are few moments when I can reconnect with people at home. I think I had that moment, if only for a second. Things got stupid for someone who somehow was expected to work the impossible when it was not her burden. It was a similar moment I had when I learned what a boundary was. It was literally cartoony, blatant as hell at how insanely stupid the moment was and against everything my better judgment offered I still reached out, not as a relative, or someone who is also surviving tendrils of abuse, but as a human being who wanted to offer a solution almost as fresh as spring water, cold and refreshing to them. In my most earnest and open way, I reached out and offered advice on how they should learn to create sure boundaries that prevent people from assuming you are the scapegoat of their ineptitude. I think I reached, but I will never know and I do not have that hope that most deluded or innocent people have. My time was running out, I needed to go, but I stayed as long as I could, hoping my words had meaning and that they reached them. Perhaps I am nieve, a small child who simply wants us all to do well, to be healed, to be free of nightmares past. I had to reach out and only when nausea hit me I had to go, trying to hold in imaginary sustenance.
I would have to be a fool to say I am that jaded. I just don't want to be hurt anymore, even if I have to grimace and pretend it isn't to ruin any victory to those who find nourishment in the pain of others. I am strong, but there are moments when I have to lay down in seclusion and fall apart from holding in so much. I was already feeling that I was getting sick and that would ruin what plans I had left that was not taken from me. As much as I hate to show it, it kills me every time that I disappoint anyone I care about. I once repealed so many until they forced themselves into my morbid and empty life to accept that I was their friend and even brother in this small moment we call life. I never wanted to be loved or depended on. I've failed so many before and failing more only weaken me in ways that I can never display to others. Moments that make me wish for early death. Moments that I know that once you disappoint someone you lost that mercy when they see you as you wish you were rather than what you are. That is my only chance to hide among so many of you.
Yet, I drove off pondering my time now. Things were looking better and I have yet to explain to many patient people what pulls me so only to realize that it doesn't matter. In the end, it really doesn't. The law is cold and sharp and cuts where it chooses to despite what you exclaim as truth or why it happened. There is no gray because it takes time to consider it. It's simple to line everyone up, ignoring motive and effort and mark them as you see fit. I was starting to accept that I'm was going to have to swallow some more. I was going to have to ingest something that I still believe was not my lot or what I am. Does not matter. Because I was placed in the role despite of those whose hands wroth such actions are worse off than I ever could imagine being. Haunted by the actions of individuals who I would consider forces of nature and destruction that you'd have to be a fool to believe they ever had compassion or free will of their own. Individuals who still seek forgiveness that I can no longer give despite of how hard I seclude myself from them.
It's why I whispered those who suffered the hells for another's hand and whispered a merciful thought that they can walk away with no connection. There is nothing and no one to bind them for decades.n Once they find the strength to walk away I myself will ensure they will never follow.
I wish I was so lucky.
In my melancholy reflection, I've realized I missed my exit and had to endure with my waiting to exit a congested street that only led to slow drivers and construction. With unknown patience, I suffered my way to the parking structure and exited for a bowl of happiness and a friends time. Too stuck in my own mind to see them already ordered and seated I walk about wondering if I sent them elsewhere and I now must contemplate how to beg forgiveness. Mercifully they arrived to pull me back from my own mind and into the restaurant. Fighting nausea and possible stressed sickness, I choose a regular bowl of what I usually can not have enough. Soup so well prepared that it can always fill you up with warmth and happiness. Immediately, I remember how delicious a friend they are as they pull me back to who I am supposed to be. My closest friends know when I am lost and in their ways, they either snap me out of my mental imprisonment. This one friend I am more than convinced is a Disney Princess despite what can be seen, but what is felt. They are of a gentle nature that they can soothe even my apathy with almost an erupting song of hope, joy, and love that seem to be sung as if The Rose was near. They are One of my most cherished Unicorns who always have a way of pulling the small, trusting child out. The child that loves freely and fears nothing. People such as them are rare and I have two who share a bond that would cause envy to any antediluvian deity.
In minutes, I lose the weight upon my shoulders and I feel free. We laugh and they shares moments saved for my enjoyment since we are not able to spend days together. We share laughs and insight and even an occasional stroll in order to digest what we had eaten in the most enjoyable way. They understand my fury and angst against places which does not serve Taro, especially since it's almost a birthright to said places. They understand that I say the most oddest of things and even allow my puckish nature to escape if only to show them that I can be roguish, I just choose to behave due to their Princess song. Then naturally we end up changing roles allowing me to sing to birds who will do my chores and have them play with mirth and mischevious acts.
I mean, thats what friends do.......share, no?
We find a cafe and we sip our forms of tea, them with boba, I with delicate glass tea cup and saucer. I always regret that I can not find a monocle and top hat to exclaim to the world how posh I am in these moments and realize my pinky extended is my only method of conveyance. Yet we sit and sip and soon I arrive at the point where I can speak. And they listen.
They know my ache. They know well what poisons me and what causes me to lament in seclusion. A story that always causes me to lose effort and desire to be, only to realize compassion sits across from me. I always risk losing people with my stories. No.....memories. they sadden me thinking of them and the only way I can speak them is monotone to prevent me from shedding tears. I used to tell my tale decades ago as just that, tales. I always lost people whose constitution was not prepared for such. I used to lose people who always looked at me differently, either with pity or dread as if I would get misery on them. They are made from....well, Disney princess stuffs so they listen, nod and tell me what I never want to hear.
"It's not your fault. This horrible thing just happened to you and you're trying, we all see you trying to get out of it. Please keep trying."
Right? Warms your heart, huh.
We spend out moments together a bit longer as we wince from soreness and perceived age. We embrace and promise we will see each other soon. They are a goodness. I need people like them in my life.
I end my nomadic pilgrimage at the residence of the Shorte Blonde who greets me with warmth and love at the door. After fixing her meal and-and allowing her to stretch her legs she joins me in the spare room and find her usual nook to curl up with me and slumber. We are at peace until her people arrive at which more of my closest friends arrive and I slowly awaken to see their most adorable progeny grinning a smile of pure sunshine. Her namesake, or what I perceive as her namesake, just won the Nobel prize for literature and decades ago tramped his way across the nation with an open tuned six string and a book of lyrics. I embrace her and lift her above me to land into loud smooches and smiles. She is also happy to see me. We sit and dinner is offered with close embraces and kind words.
I am lucky. I have so many magnificent people. It was how my Crazy Doc pulled me up, by my love. How can such a wretched creature be surrounded by such magnificent people if he too was not one of them?
Boom, right? I still don't think I'm special, but I have the most amazing gathering of awesome in the form of people.
We spend time, they allow me to join their family as if I was their own as so many do, and I offer what I pass on for love.
In the end, I collect my thoughts now, everyone including the Short Blonde slumbering in peace. I look over to my watch with my small collection of picks, CPR mask for that case of horror to come, and a small disk with a tiny dagger next to it. In harsh moments, where I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and a bit of leniency I look at the words etched upon it and remind myself I have another delicious friend who boasts that I can not abandon her for the amount of time passed has endured a decade and that I'm stuck with her. I laugh now, realizing she also has pulled such a pessimistic ass out of his own idea of angst. Due to distance, her, like many, can not be close enough to arrive at my door and force me out. She has to rely on the most amazing banter, pleading for my stubborn ass to visit North, and small reminders that she is there even though she can not be there in person.......to tell me I'm being stupid.
"Not Today"
She understands how close I've been and how closeI can get to the Abyss. The Abyss is distant now, but there is always wisps near and a threat that I can lose my initiative and fail all saving throws, even though I love to say, "I'm fine."
Sitting now, writing to another I realize I am wealthy. I have people throughout the nation who knows who I am. I mean the real me. The one who isn't scary, or stupidly odd, or *shrugs*.
I mean, for someone to endure me is amazing. And if I honestly sit and think I'm surrounded by so many who love me, who think I have some value, who know I always aim to do the right thing, even if it's......odd...that my social anxiety always drives me to oddness and when it's really bad they can lure me out with a cookie or two. I mean, can I honestly complain?
No.....I can not.
Life is hard, yet life is also good and if I work hard, it will become better.
Peace and love.
Be good to each other, no?
Monday, September 5, 2016
Primum non nocere; Non impedire progressum
I've been playing with this thought for a few days now and I'm going to try to get in on the screen even though I'm not sure if I have a point.
I know, that made little sense. I know, that's how my mind works.
Also, I'm going to try an "lighten up" if only for my own good since I think I vented most of the harshest thoughts out. I'm not much to being a downer, but some things need to be said, even if they were gripes or just harsh issues that has come up from therapy. Geesh, if I was able to go back to 2013 me and tell him, he's be seeing someone about this and the depression he'd laugh.
Things are slowly getting better and I'd like to not be a fucking stick in the mud about it. Saying that much, I'll try to exponge a few things I've been chewing on.
This is the Latin version of Do No Harm, which is the Hippocratic Oath often quoted from Hippocrates of Kol who is revered as the Father of Western Medicine. It's a good practice considering that medicine was more of an art back then, yet still it holds true for doctors considering that an action, no matter how advantageous could cost the patient their life or simply living. It's the reason that medicine have changed from a guess to a hard researched process backed by the scientific method and constant years of research.
There was a time where I would have been considered an antivaxer of sorts. Cults have ways of making things that you should trust sinister and things that have no merit have all the trust in the world. It wasn't until I've went to University and sat in enough biology and microbiology classes and laboratories to realize that there is truth to lab work and seeing with one's own eyes backed by research and a long line of proof as a foundation. My college work proved to me that vaccines are the acme of medicine in which you can completely prevent any illness by simply exposing an individual to a weakened for of it. I've learned that evolution is true, even though there was a time I didn't believe in dinosaurs and even that we came from apes until realizing how DNA worked, how mutations can be a benefit or hinder to life, and even how some of the old "garbage genes" life has picked up in it's earlier forms cause us harm because it still believes that we are bacterium.
Holy fuck, I never thought of it that way. We're still apes which are just overly modified bacterium.....mind blown.....I need a minute.....
ok....
I've sat in classes where I finally understood how traffic harmed us by creating ozone which is horrible to breathe. I witnessed people in a lab trying to document the genealogy of a fox species that lived near Catalina Island so that they can help it from being endangered. I've been given small mystery samples in test tubes and told that I must plate, grow, run numerous tests, then run its genetic code in order to find out what it was and what strain it is. I've done sever tests on why blood types are important to understand while they theoretically spoke of universal plasma able to be given to all without need for donors. I've witnessed the concept of plasmids while also playing Bioshock and even seen primitive precursors of sex with bacterium sharing RNA via pili like appendages. No orgasm or sexual desire, just trading RNA to ensure that bacterium live.
As much I held disbelief, I had a chance to actually see what science had to offer. So it was very slowly throughout the years I've entertained doubt. Doubt is a good thing. It offers you a moment to stop and question if you do have the situation in check. That perhaps you need to double check your math and it even causes you to stop for a moment to reflect on what it all means from a bigger perspective. Sometimes the separation between logic and fallacy is just a quiet moment to reflect. I had several of these enough to allow me to realize that my cult was wrong. That they didn't have the answers and that what they called answers were horrid. Yet, I somehow still held on to what is and isn't right via my cult. It would take some time to stop and just figure it all out. Basically this year I had a mental spring cleaning to say that it was wrong, I was wrong, now I will do better.
There is no way to "convert someone". You can only offer them doubt. They have to release what they find as folly. Only then can they break free. Not by threat, nor regulation or mockery, but by entertaining doubt. Sometimes your existence is more then enough to cause that. Sometimes the fact that you are is enough to enrage and confuse and cause people to react violently against something they can not comprehend. You don't help their change with opposition, because all such mind frames share this Crusader/Martyr duality where everything IS justified with opposition. Fucktard comes to mind. Also Religitard. IF you ever want someone to abandon their natural process of reflection, challenge them!
There has been several debates that has not only shown people this in process, but they have also reaffirmed their belief in what is not correct. Nye and Ham comes to mind as even though anyone could plainly see that Nye's statement of changing his mind with evidence as earnest it's a stark difference of Ham's stance that even if he is wrong there is nothing he would do to correct it because he will always refuse to change due to his self convinced notions of what is. What ever scapegoat he needs isn't important. I'm not taking a turn on religion, but something more. A point where one refuses to believe what is stated as correct despite of proof stating the contrary because they will not. This is a delusion that as seen from the end of the debate, those who share Ham's admittance of delusion supported him with monetary proof.
Basically they gave him cash because he "stood up to the experts".
No one could ever convince him otherwise yet it does allow us to arrive at a hypothesis of either he doesn't know and simply refuses or he know and still refuses. Morality aside on why he would do this to himself and therefore so many others, one can see it's just incorrect. He's doing harm just by supporting a mistake in one sense or a lie in the other. Forget if he's doing this because his faith in a higher power is great or just that he's doing this because money is worth the trouble. If you are wrong and refuse to double check the math it doesn't matter why you refuse to check it. Your actions have committed an offense and perhaps harm. If I step on your foot, either by accident or on purpose does not dismay that I stepped on your foot. My actions
afterwards will state my intent, but in a simplistic view the damage, if any has been done.
*deep breath*
.....I've been pondering another saying. I don't know if it means anything, but for the past month I've been thinking about it. My relationships with people and how I connect and even interact. I'm going to say that I don't have the healthiest of relationships at time and yet throughout my time in therapy I was finally able to set up my first boundary. I was able to cut myself off from harm and insult. I was able to back away and cut ties when my self worth has been hurt. I'm going to say that I don't have the most favorable view of myself. I'm going to say it's very skewed and off and that I can not at times comprehend. My time with the Crazy Doc as been trying to grow this part of me that never really existed.
And now having it grow somewhat, not enough to consider myself healthy and yet enough there to feel insult and want it to stop. In my way of attempting to create this boundary I've seen some pretty nasty forms of Gas Lighting. I'll not go into what it is since I won't do it justice. But here's a link and have at you. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting). I'll give you a sec if you need it.
...ok, well while making my first boundary I was barraged with insult ranging from "you're just jealous", "you're holding me back", "anything you ever had has been given to you", to " you're never going to do anything worth while". I held my tongue. I simply repeated their overall response.
"Move. Just move"
Hinder no progress. I like the concept of being in Latin because it give it some merit as if the English cheapens it or it just may be that I'm compensating. And yet, I realize that the best say to prove a point is to stand out the way. At that moment, after hearing this barrage of insults and blame that for one, I honestly didn't wish them harm. They are an important person in my life, yet their frame of mind is harmful to me. Their behavior is not only an insult towards me, but in truth was a lie. I don't want them to fail or to hinder them and yet their mind is made up and I am the root of the issue.
I never understood triangles of any sort, the most frequent one that comes to mind is romantically as there is an individual who can not make up their mind on who should be the focus of their attention if there needs be a focus. I've been in a few without knowing and in some cases I've always been the "other person". The one who gets tossed out. I'm the other man. So this is always a sore place for me. Once I realize what is going on I usually leave and make it a line. I refuse to be part of anyone's emotional wishy wash. I'm either needed or not. Don't compare me. I'm either someone who is important in your life or I should go. I don't even care if I'm one of many, as long as I am treated as well as I treat you.
So in this spirit I realized that I need to step out of any way anyone believes me standing in. If you tell me that you moved away and you don't want me to follow, I won't. I won't chase you down to the airport. It's stupid. I tell people their worth and I am never on to stand in the way of progress. If you think you need to make your life better without me, go. Am I holding you back? Leave me alone. If you believe I embody the worst of your life allow me to exit, stage right. I shall never stop you once your mind is set. I will offer doubt in what manner I can, but I refuse to be an excuse of any sort. I will not stop you if you tell me to get out of your way. I will not plead or beg.
I will go. Hmmmm.....wonder if this is why people think that they can return. I burn bridges when needed, never on whim. And I will in no way rebuild one burned by you. If you cut off connection I will not reconnect. At this point I realize I don't want an apology, but I realize I'm wrong. I do want one. I do want an apology because it's the last thing people would give me.
Hinder no progress. Let me move out of the say and not be part of any resistance you can imagine me in. I wish you well. I wish you luck and love. Above all, I wish you away from me, the bane of your life. Sorry, I will not be used ever again to excuse your limitations. What I do I do out of concern and care, but if I'm stopping you then allow me to stop. I will let you burn down the bridge. I will let you walk away as it burns. I will let you do what you see fit as long as I am never used as an excuse of burden.
And if things go well, I'm happy. And if it doesn't I will not interfere. If you build the bridge I will let you. I will never again think of the greater good on your behalf, but allow you to correct your error. I will never assist in your attempt. You caused this. I wanted to warn you, but sometimes experience is a better instructor. I will not heal your wounds without consent in your case. You caused them and you are adult enough to mend them. I will not cut my life off in order to assist in yours. I have negated much of mine for the greater good and to give those who need more then what I have. I do it out of live, yet when it causes harm you have to stop. Hence I will.
It saddens me. It makes me feel bad and it hurt me in a way that I would ball up and cry since I care for those even if I must not. Maybe this is my fault or just how I was meant to be by those who hurt me. I love you, but don't come near me. I've bleed for everyone enough. A select few I would take a bullet for and perhaps two, but in the long run I will not hinder your progress in any way, even if it's to shield you from harm. It's a risk, but one I will take. Especially if I don't want to cause harm and to hinder any progress.
So.....yea.....I still wonder if I don't right even though I have no other choice in the matter. I will not suffer for your errors and I will not take your blame if you need a scapegoat. That time is gone and even though I care a heavy heart that aches, I know I'm doing what is right.
Addendum: Always double check which variation of words entered into babble fish unless you want to argue against the point you are trying to make. Geesh.......so sad so silly.,
I know, that made little sense. I know, that's how my mind works.
Also, I'm going to try an "lighten up" if only for my own good since I think I vented most of the harshest thoughts out. I'm not much to being a downer, but some things need to be said, even if they were gripes or just harsh issues that has come up from therapy. Geesh, if I was able to go back to 2013 me and tell him, he's be seeing someone about this and the depression he'd laugh.
Things are slowly getting better and I'd like to not be a fucking stick in the mud about it. Saying that much, I'll try to exponge a few things I've been chewing on.
Primum non nocere
This is the Latin version of Do No Harm, which is the Hippocratic Oath often quoted from Hippocrates of Kol who is revered as the Father of Western Medicine. It's a good practice considering that medicine was more of an art back then, yet still it holds true for doctors considering that an action, no matter how advantageous could cost the patient their life or simply living. It's the reason that medicine have changed from a guess to a hard researched process backed by the scientific method and constant years of research.
There was a time where I would have been considered an antivaxer of sorts. Cults have ways of making things that you should trust sinister and things that have no merit have all the trust in the world. It wasn't until I've went to University and sat in enough biology and microbiology classes and laboratories to realize that there is truth to lab work and seeing with one's own eyes backed by research and a long line of proof as a foundation. My college work proved to me that vaccines are the acme of medicine in which you can completely prevent any illness by simply exposing an individual to a weakened for of it. I've learned that evolution is true, even though there was a time I didn't believe in dinosaurs and even that we came from apes until realizing how DNA worked, how mutations can be a benefit or hinder to life, and even how some of the old "garbage genes" life has picked up in it's earlier forms cause us harm because it still believes that we are bacterium.
Holy fuck, I never thought of it that way. We're still apes which are just overly modified bacterium.....mind blown.....I need a minute.....
ok....
I've sat in classes where I finally understood how traffic harmed us by creating ozone which is horrible to breathe. I witnessed people in a lab trying to document the genealogy of a fox species that lived near Catalina Island so that they can help it from being endangered. I've been given small mystery samples in test tubes and told that I must plate, grow, run numerous tests, then run its genetic code in order to find out what it was and what strain it is. I've done sever tests on why blood types are important to understand while they theoretically spoke of universal plasma able to be given to all without need for donors. I've witnessed the concept of plasmids while also playing Bioshock and even seen primitive precursors of sex with bacterium sharing RNA via pili like appendages. No orgasm or sexual desire, just trading RNA to ensure that bacterium live.
As much I held disbelief, I had a chance to actually see what science had to offer. So it was very slowly throughout the years I've entertained doubt. Doubt is a good thing. It offers you a moment to stop and question if you do have the situation in check. That perhaps you need to double check your math and it even causes you to stop for a moment to reflect on what it all means from a bigger perspective. Sometimes the separation between logic and fallacy is just a quiet moment to reflect. I had several of these enough to allow me to realize that my cult was wrong. That they didn't have the answers and that what they called answers were horrid. Yet, I somehow still held on to what is and isn't right via my cult. It would take some time to stop and just figure it all out. Basically this year I had a mental spring cleaning to say that it was wrong, I was wrong, now I will do better.
There is no way to "convert someone". You can only offer them doubt. They have to release what they find as folly. Only then can they break free. Not by threat, nor regulation or mockery, but by entertaining doubt. Sometimes your existence is more then enough to cause that. Sometimes the fact that you are is enough to enrage and confuse and cause people to react violently against something they can not comprehend. You don't help their change with opposition, because all such mind frames share this Crusader/Martyr duality where everything IS justified with opposition. Fucktard comes to mind. Also Religitard. IF you ever want someone to abandon their natural process of reflection, challenge them!
There has been several debates that has not only shown people this in process, but they have also reaffirmed their belief in what is not correct. Nye and Ham comes to mind as even though anyone could plainly see that Nye's statement of changing his mind with evidence as earnest it's a stark difference of Ham's stance that even if he is wrong there is nothing he would do to correct it because he will always refuse to change due to his self convinced notions of what is. What ever scapegoat he needs isn't important. I'm not taking a turn on religion, but something more. A point where one refuses to believe what is stated as correct despite of proof stating the contrary because they will not. This is a delusion that as seen from the end of the debate, those who share Ham's admittance of delusion supported him with monetary proof.
Basically they gave him cash because he "stood up to the experts".
No one could ever convince him otherwise yet it does allow us to arrive at a hypothesis of either he doesn't know and simply refuses or he know and still refuses. Morality aside on why he would do this to himself and therefore so many others, one can see it's just incorrect. He's doing harm just by supporting a mistake in one sense or a lie in the other. Forget if he's doing this because his faith in a higher power is great or just that he's doing this because money is worth the trouble. If you are wrong and refuse to double check the math it doesn't matter why you refuse to check it. Your actions have committed an offense and perhaps harm. If I step on your foot, either by accident or on purpose does not dismay that I stepped on your foot. My actions
afterwards will state my intent, but in a simplistic view the damage, if any has been done.
Do No Harm
.....I've been pondering another saying. I don't know if it means anything, but for the past month I've been thinking about it. My relationships with people and how I connect and even interact. I'm going to say that I don't have the healthiest of relationships at time and yet throughout my time in therapy I was finally able to set up my first boundary. I was able to cut myself off from harm and insult. I was able to back away and cut ties when my self worth has been hurt. I'm going to say that I don't have the most favorable view of myself. I'm going to say it's very skewed and off and that I can not at times comprehend. My time with the Crazy Doc as been trying to grow this part of me that never really existed.
And now having it grow somewhat, not enough to consider myself healthy and yet enough there to feel insult and want it to stop. In my way of attempting to create this boundary I've seen some pretty nasty forms of Gas Lighting. I'll not go into what it is since I won't do it justice. But here's a link and have at you. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting). I'll give you a sec if you need it.
...ok, well while making my first boundary I was barraged with insult ranging from "you're just jealous", "you're holding me back", "anything you ever had has been given to you", to " you're never going to do anything worth while". I held my tongue. I simply repeated their overall response.
"Move. Just move"
Non Imprdire Progressum
I never understood triangles of any sort, the most frequent one that comes to mind is romantically as there is an individual who can not make up their mind on who should be the focus of their attention if there needs be a focus. I've been in a few without knowing and in some cases I've always been the "other person". The one who gets tossed out. I'm the other man. So this is always a sore place for me. Once I realize what is going on I usually leave and make it a line. I refuse to be part of anyone's emotional wishy wash. I'm either needed or not. Don't compare me. I'm either someone who is important in your life or I should go. I don't even care if I'm one of many, as long as I am treated as well as I treat you.
So in this spirit I realized that I need to step out of any way anyone believes me standing in. If you tell me that you moved away and you don't want me to follow, I won't. I won't chase you down to the airport. It's stupid. I tell people their worth and I am never on to stand in the way of progress. If you think you need to make your life better without me, go. Am I holding you back? Leave me alone. If you believe I embody the worst of your life allow me to exit, stage right. I shall never stop you once your mind is set. I will offer doubt in what manner I can, but I refuse to be an excuse of any sort. I will not stop you if you tell me to get out of your way. I will not plead or beg.
I will go. Hmmmm.....wonder if this is why people think that they can return. I burn bridges when needed, never on whim. And I will in no way rebuild one burned by you. If you cut off connection I will not reconnect. At this point I realize I don't want an apology, but I realize I'm wrong. I do want one. I do want an apology because it's the last thing people would give me.
Hinder no progress. Let me move out of the say and not be part of any resistance you can imagine me in. I wish you well. I wish you luck and love. Above all, I wish you away from me, the bane of your life. Sorry, I will not be used ever again to excuse your limitations. What I do I do out of concern and care, but if I'm stopping you then allow me to stop. I will let you burn down the bridge. I will let you walk away as it burns. I will let you do what you see fit as long as I am never used as an excuse of burden.
And if things go well, I'm happy. And if it doesn't I will not interfere. If you build the bridge I will let you. I will never again think of the greater good on your behalf, but allow you to correct your error. I will never assist in your attempt. You caused this. I wanted to warn you, but sometimes experience is a better instructor. I will not heal your wounds without consent in your case. You caused them and you are adult enough to mend them. I will not cut my life off in order to assist in yours. I have negated much of mine for the greater good and to give those who need more then what I have. I do it out of live, yet when it causes harm you have to stop. Hence I will.
It saddens me. It makes me feel bad and it hurt me in a way that I would ball up and cry since I care for those even if I must not. Maybe this is my fault or just how I was meant to be by those who hurt me. I love you, but don't come near me. I've bleed for everyone enough. A select few I would take a bullet for and perhaps two, but in the long run I will not hinder your progress in any way, even if it's to shield you from harm. It's a risk, but one I will take. Especially if I don't want to cause harm and to hinder any progress.
So.....yea.....I still wonder if I don't right even though I have no other choice in the matter. I will not suffer for your errors and I will not take your blame if you need a scapegoat. That time is gone and even though I care a heavy heart that aches, I know I'm doing what is right.
Primum non nocere;
Non Imprdire Progressum
Non Imprdire Progressum
Addendum: Always double check which variation of words entered into babble fish unless you want to argue against the point you are trying to make. Geesh.......so sad so silly.,
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Keith Richards, clumsy fingers and the challenge to make something gracefully beautiful
There's something about Keith Richards. Something that makes you question your taste in music and if you should give certain songs a chance and if you have been hasty to ignore a genre of music. I've never really been a Stones fan at first yet with all our Legends leaving us I can not help to listen to the Stones without any sense of loss or melancholy as I would with Bowie or Freddy.
Yet my ears have been tweaked because of music. My son introduced me to the guitar some 3 or 4 years ago and I've been playing close to three years now. I'm not good or what I would consider good. Mind you this is my standard and not only have a heard a unison of eye rolls at the moment I am going to offer some ground to say I'm not one to see myself in a favorable light. So I'm not as good as I think I can be, but I see enough potential to keep chasing it.
Well, despite how I see myself I see music as one of the last challenges I'm willing to partake that actually makes me want to push myself through. Much like martial arts or the sciences, I find a joy that most people would get while playing games that are not meant to coddle you. It's a challenge and much after so much work I see the improvements enough to keep on while the challenge continual. It's a beautiful struggle that I am more then happy to partake.
But, Kieth Richards, right? Well, ever since taking up guitar I've been changing my sense of music. and what I consider good and fun. It's kind of sadistic trying to play a song you like. Knowing you're going to take something magnificently perfect and even attached to memories that I'm going to guess have meaning to you and tear that song apart. Analyze and break down every bit of the song to realize what progresses it, what makes it magnificent and what makes you undertake the task of attempting to replay a piece with your own hands only to see it mauled by clumsy fingers and frustrated hope.
I've gained a love for punk songs and their simplicity of two or even three chords with enough speed to make it sound chaotic and rhythmic. How rock songs pull from blues and how blues pull from the pain in your soul only to make you wallow in it. How some artists make a simplistic motion complicated and how a simply song can have depth. It's all so addictive and even challenging.
So when Richards shared the story of his grandfather and the guitar that sat upon the mantle and how if he was able to touch it he'd finally be able to play it. How the drive for something forbidden and even mysterious caused him to reach and touch and even dream. How once in his hands his grandfather simply taught him one piece of music, just a sliver really only to cause him to train his fingers and drive his new fostered thirst for more. That song is the Malaguna (still wondering how many different ways to write it or are they different songs) and it's divine.
So starting up learning power chords, full chords and straining with C's, F's, and B's I've was creating something that sounded like noise from beaten birds. Talented fingers trained to puncture, grip, and stab now are being trained to dance on strings of metal in grace and beauty. Something I'm not used to. I can say I'm in now way beautiful, but playing this piece makes me feel joy and grace. Things I've never had much of. Even my martial arts experience is brutal, effective and blunt.
Yet I feel.....free? Happy? Meditative? It's a piece that has driven me to actually do something I am not used to doing or saying, "Let me see if I can try it." I honestly say that I'm not one to try something because fear of instilled failure that I still now wrestle with. Even though I am able to correct and be corrected in science and math, creatively I've been if not stunted, but maimed. There was a memory of who I was that was killed off to nothing. It's hard to explain, but when you see someone attempt something and you see then on the verge of mastering it or even understanding it and you come at that point of time and tell that person that their attempts are stupid, worthless, and not even needed you kill that. Despite if they were inclined to it or bad at it, it dies. It's why I'm so guarded and even more abrasive when someone wishes to correct anyone in that manner near me.
I play in almost secret. I play with trust that people who hear me will not throw stones and/or bitterness. I play and even become entranced. I strive and attempt to make things better without fear of ridicule, but drive to see if I can. I can say now I regret not having this. Even believing that I would never have been good. I don't think I'll ever make a record, go on tour, or even play in public for tips, but it makes me happy. Few things do that these days. It almost completes me. It offers me hope and grace.
How much of change?
I've grown the fingernails of my right hand long enough to pick strings now. I've painted them black so that I can stop focusing on their unsightly appearance and even painted the rest to not seem odd. I carry picks with me and my guitar at times to play in certain places where even in public I can find some amount of solace while fighting my paranoia of someone running up and telling me I suck. I like this and I regret not having it younger. If I had this younger I think I would have never learned to fight......an odd thought, but I can dream.
So this piece is.....gorgeous. It's delicate and precise. Not thrashing, but it stands alone. I can play this to show mastery, potential and even advancement. Mind you it's not like playing Where is my mind where as you're the only one who knows how good it is without accompaniment. It stands alone. It sounds magnificent without someone filling in the holes where you leave. You can play this anywhere and have people go wow. And it's hard. It's patterns, rhythms, and flare. It's fancy, almost even pretty in the way people put lace on things.
It's not me, basically. And watching people see me slaughter it or what I think slaughtering is almost make people go, "damn, it's almost there. I wish I can hear this better." Now they can hear it as "hey, I know what that is and that's not bad."
I know it's stupid, but I just paid myself a compliments. Feel so dirty.
Yet, it's so much fun to do. It's hard but in a month of playing it I have more of the parts set and just need to order it and add polish. I've improved now to the point I can finger-pick it all. With a pick I'm graceful. Without it I'm a bit wobbly with less wobble as I get better. I might even play it one day. For people. And not fear of....well......jackals.
So now I pull out Hope, a $50 guitar with plastic frets and heavy strings and punish my fingers until I can not feel them or when they start to bleed. I work my hands as I would have punching stone or wood. I practice and I offer myself some motivation and kindness while they strings cut in and create deeper calluses that will remain with me. I pound at it with Hope until she sings. Until I can make her hard cheap body sound gorgeous, even with stray hums of and clanks. That's when I pull my son's guitar, a $150 wood body with lighter strings and see if I can make it sing it's aria.
One day, I'll get something worth to play. something around $2000 and gloriously magnificent. until then I visit guitar stores, tune them to key and then see how my fingers can make such a work of art sing with rosewood, maple, and mahogany. I borrow and play and yearn. One day, I'll make something beautiful. I'll show others what I think I can create and make them see me not as a thing or monster.
So yea.......it's even making me look at Donovan's Atlantis and Classical Gas. Maybe I can train my fingers to be delicate, graceful and pretty. And then be thrashing, vicious, and blurring when I get into metal. Or insightful and longing when hitting the blues.
huh....imagine that. My hands learning to create beauty after decades of destroying and dominating.
This will be good for me.
yay me.
yay.
Thanks, Keith Richards. Thank you very much.
Friday, May 2, 2014
The Echos within the song, tells the story of Two Women
Two women in my life. Both I loved. One tore me apart and left me empty and shattered. The other loved me every way possible until we had to go separate ways.
I feel their echos tonight.
One I realize I still love in a horrifying and disgusting way. She meant/means the world to me, even though she isn't near. She left some time ago and made sure that she salted the ground of her exodus. She made me to doubt myself while I wanted no one but her. She left me feeling used and worthless. She left me feeling like a whore, unworthy of time, effort and love. She left me hating myself to ever having to love her. She was the world to me and in the end she took it with her. In the end she left and made certain that would not even cherish the memory of her without cringing on what she left. I can not even smile at a happy moment between us without feeling choked up at how it ended, or how she ended it.....
.....or what she did.
And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken.
If someone was used to being struck strikes another out of habit or reflex is it still pardonable? Was is being accidental still not as hurtful? Is how she cut your heart out not as hurtful or damaging? Or destroying what little faith you have in others just as crippling? Is it pardonable because someone else is better? Or you were just there to pass the time? Or in the end it was all a regret and you were never supposed to be important to her? That .....regret? What hurts more: the injury or the salting the wound?
That wound still healed though. That wound is nasty to look at and hurtful. That wound still causes a twinge of pain when it's cold and it still make you wonder if it will ever function again. It introduces doubt that anyone else so close can harm you again in that way. I guess she wanted to make certain she was the last woman I loved.
....because if that's the case, she's right.
And yet, there is another. I remember her in the emptiness of the night as I drive through the maze of the city. I wonder if the we listened to the song together or if the singer's sweet and loving voice reminds me of her. How she drove to me. How she picked my shattered self from the floor knowing that I receded into the depths of my mind and suffering with no senses on the outside. And yet, she loved me. Tenderly and with meaning. She fed the trust when I didn't want anything ever again. She held me close with a dedication that I should not cause more harm to myself that someone has already committed upon me. She remained there slowly feeding small morsels of joy and kindness into a selfish and pain creature who wanted nothing more than to die of shame of needing another. She loved me and pulled me close because she knew I could not make the words come out from such a hideous wound. She offered compassion and understanding even though she knew I would stumble and fall.
I remember asking her why is she even trying. Why is she wasting her time with me. She told me that I would understand one day and that day I would remember her. That she was simply doing what someone has done for her and in the end isn't that enough?
I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.
Isn't it?
And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken.
I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.
One case I fear getting close to any one for fear of doing what she had done to me in the guise of hurting her and leaving me needing someone who crushed my heart and made sure she was the last woman in my life. In the other I feel one can only hold a torch for so long without lighting yourself on fire and at that point you deserve to be on fire. So drop that shit and reach out in pain and fear and love anyways. Make sure she isn't the last one in my life and to make certain that I make sure that the salted earth left behind blooms brighter than before.
So I feel alone, empty and heartbroken. I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.
Above all I feel alive now and that's all I need.
I feel their echos tonight.
One I realize I still love in a horrifying and disgusting way. She meant/means the world to me, even though she isn't near. She left some time ago and made sure that she salted the ground of her exodus. She made me to doubt myself while I wanted no one but her. She left me feeling used and worthless. She left me feeling like a whore, unworthy of time, effort and love. She left me hating myself to ever having to love her. She was the world to me and in the end she took it with her. In the end she left and made certain that would not even cherish the memory of her without cringing on what she left. I can not even smile at a happy moment between us without feeling choked up at how it ended, or how she ended it.....
.....or what she did.
And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken.
If someone was used to being struck strikes another out of habit or reflex is it still pardonable? Was is being accidental still not as hurtful? Is how she cut your heart out not as hurtful or damaging? Or destroying what little faith you have in others just as crippling? Is it pardonable because someone else is better? Or you were just there to pass the time? Or in the end it was all a regret and you were never supposed to be important to her? That .....regret? What hurts more: the injury or the salting the wound?
That wound still healed though. That wound is nasty to look at and hurtful. That wound still causes a twinge of pain when it's cold and it still make you wonder if it will ever function again. It introduces doubt that anyone else so close can harm you again in that way. I guess she wanted to make certain she was the last woman I loved.
....because if that's the case, she's right.
And yet, there is another. I remember her in the emptiness of the night as I drive through the maze of the city. I wonder if the we listened to the song together or if the singer's sweet and loving voice reminds me of her. How she drove to me. How she picked my shattered self from the floor knowing that I receded into the depths of my mind and suffering with no senses on the outside. And yet, she loved me. Tenderly and with meaning. She fed the trust when I didn't want anything ever again. She held me close with a dedication that I should not cause more harm to myself that someone has already committed upon me. She remained there slowly feeding small morsels of joy and kindness into a selfish and pain creature who wanted nothing more than to die of shame of needing another. She loved me and pulled me close because she knew I could not make the words come out from such a hideous wound. She offered compassion and understanding even though she knew I would stumble and fall.
I remember asking her why is she even trying. Why is she wasting her time with me. She told me that I would understand one day and that day I would remember her. That she was simply doing what someone has done for her and in the end isn't that enough?
I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.
Isn't it?
And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken.
I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.
One case I fear getting close to any one for fear of doing what she had done to me in the guise of hurting her and leaving me needing someone who crushed my heart and made sure she was the last woman in my life. In the other I feel one can only hold a torch for so long without lighting yourself on fire and at that point you deserve to be on fire. So drop that shit and reach out in pain and fear and love anyways. Make sure she isn't the last one in my life and to make certain that I make sure that the salted earth left behind blooms brighter than before.
So I feel alone, empty and heartbroken. I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.
Above all I feel alive now and that's all I need.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Shower Epiphany: Faith
So that whole one eyed girl being made fun of because it's ungodly story is a hoax. And I laughed. I know I was asked a while ago why I don't have any faith to which I responded by saying I do have faith. I have faith in people.
I believe in people automatically and believe they have no ulterior motive in deception or benefit in manipulating me. I will believe that people are overall good even though there are some individuals that ruin things for others just as there are groups of people who do the say, regardless if they have the best intentions or not. I have faith that people simply want to do what is right and I have faith in us in a species even though we have our odd prejudices and quirks that we can not shake nor in some cases would want to.
I have faith that once I gather all the inner resolution to speak to another human being that I will make a kind connection. If I am stood up, I believe I may have errored then to place blame with someone else. I think that if I harmed another human being that I can bed for forgiveness and ask to make amends because I to fall asleep knowing I harmed no one. I believe that there are great people who I adore and love and that I might have some hang ups that make things worse off and I am willing to work on them in order to make me a bit kinder. I believe that everyone has a story to be heard, knowledge that I do not have, and value in their smile. I have faith that we will all do better even though sometimes I'm sadden by acts of stupidity and callousness.
I have faith in all of this because I need faith in us. I can not and could not live on my own. I am not an island and I could not survive with out people, even if I tried my best to do so. I need to believe this since I have no proof in all of this until I have overcome my antisocial means and made a timid step towards humanity, even if it's to ask for the salt. I have to have faith that, yes I did run into some people that are made of suck and yes I've been mistreated by a good amount of them, but that is not everyone. That I can not worry if I am being lied to. That they might just feel the same as I do. That if I try my best and reach out I will not be shut out or ridiculed. That others actually want to hear from me, want something to do with me, and that I actually have something of value to them that they will not try to fuck over in the end.
I have faith in other people and that scares me because I wish I had knowledge in them rather than faith. That every person is different like chocolate in the box and I have to see if we connect on that basic level that fightens me so at time I have to simply try them and see. Some people will not see my heart filled and fragile attempt. Some will just ignore my rare act of connection. Some might treat me rougher than others. Some might see me the same as spider does to fly, but I have to at least try even if I know what is going to happen. So I can not have more than faith in people until I make an attempt to find out. I think this scares me the most. Almost makes me with never to know and to simply think they're cooler and kinder than they really are and stay away.
I have to have faith that I can do all this and I can have faith in my attempt to be "people" even though I know I have so much trouble with it. I can only have faith.
So....yea. My bad on that bogus story. The things we learn, huh?
I also have to have faith that it's ok to be wrong.
So......yea.
I believe in people automatically and believe they have no ulterior motive in deception or benefit in manipulating me. I will believe that people are overall good even though there are some individuals that ruin things for others just as there are groups of people who do the say, regardless if they have the best intentions or not. I have faith that people simply want to do what is right and I have faith in us in a species even though we have our odd prejudices and quirks that we can not shake nor in some cases would want to.
I have faith that once I gather all the inner resolution to speak to another human being that I will make a kind connection. If I am stood up, I believe I may have errored then to place blame with someone else. I think that if I harmed another human being that I can bed for forgiveness and ask to make amends because I to fall asleep knowing I harmed no one. I believe that there are great people who I adore and love and that I might have some hang ups that make things worse off and I am willing to work on them in order to make me a bit kinder. I believe that everyone has a story to be heard, knowledge that I do not have, and value in their smile. I have faith that we will all do better even though sometimes I'm sadden by acts of stupidity and callousness.
I have faith in all of this because I need faith in us. I can not and could not live on my own. I am not an island and I could not survive with out people, even if I tried my best to do so. I need to believe this since I have no proof in all of this until I have overcome my antisocial means and made a timid step towards humanity, even if it's to ask for the salt. I have to have faith that, yes I did run into some people that are made of suck and yes I've been mistreated by a good amount of them, but that is not everyone. That I can not worry if I am being lied to. That they might just feel the same as I do. That if I try my best and reach out I will not be shut out or ridiculed. That others actually want to hear from me, want something to do with me, and that I actually have something of value to them that they will not try to fuck over in the end.
I have faith in other people and that scares me because I wish I had knowledge in them rather than faith. That every person is different like chocolate in the box and I have to see if we connect on that basic level that fightens me so at time I have to simply try them and see. Some people will not see my heart filled and fragile attempt. Some will just ignore my rare act of connection. Some might treat me rougher than others. Some might see me the same as spider does to fly, but I have to at least try even if I know what is going to happen. So I can not have more than faith in people until I make an attempt to find out. I think this scares me the most. Almost makes me with never to know and to simply think they're cooler and kinder than they really are and stay away.
I have to have faith that I can do all this and I can have faith in my attempt to be "people" even though I know I have so much trouble with it. I can only have faith.
So....yea. My bad on that bogus story. The things we learn, huh?
I also have to have faith that it's ok to be wrong.
So......yea.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Upon the passing of my Grandmother
Just spoke to my father. Grandmother just died. He didn't go into details.
Damage control time I guess.
Mind you this is shock and I'm running on experience, not sanity.
She was 84 years old. When she started her time in the hospital she was 79. Since then she lost alot of weight and was extremely healthy for a woman with Parkinson's. She was doing so well that she got off her diabetic meds and was reduced for her Parkinson's also. She was always lucid as well as busy. She lived through alot of hardships and was always kind and loving.
My favorite memory is that she grew up Catholic and always had a rosary in her hands and constantly prayed with it until my Uncle found God in another denomination and it would be embarrassing for her to continue to pray one manner in another's House. She told me that she is supportive, but not stupid with a sly look. She said that she still prays without them. She just "counts" with her fingers using her knuckles.She said that God didn't mind. "He know where I am and what I'm up to."
My response also tickled her. In semi shock I said, "Grandma, you're an ass. Is this where I get it?" Her response was "Honey you have plenty of that from both sides."
HA! She lived well. When they noticed that her kidneys failed and dialysis was not working they asked her if she understood and she let them know that she fought enough. Even in her last moments the staff thought of her as kindhearted. Oddly enough a Priest came down to see her and give her last rights. I'm surprised they let him by, but I guess he has been visiting lately and that made her cheer up a bit. She gave her love to those present and let them know she was ready.
They gave her a strong does of morphine and allowed her heart to stop beating. She passed peacefully and calmly at 3 pm yesterday afternoon. So, yea.......good life.
Sorry good people. I'm ok really, but I don't do death well. I'm not bawling or in the corner in the fetal. I'm a bit jaded with death over all. Death happens. In my situation it happens alot, but it does take an effect with me In this situation is was not dying, but it is a celebration of a good life. I have more of an issue with people passing quickly or traumatically. I knew my grandmother's time was close years ago and I did what I could to take advantage of it. It's the reason I have no issues spoiling small animals or certain people. It's why I don't attempt to carry grudges or simply learn to live with them wishing assholes well. Life is precious when you have it and when you don't you are going to be missed. The best you can do is leave people with good memories while you can. Sadly, I can equate death in a simple statement while being silly and stupid at once.
"The worse part about being dead is that you are not alive anymore."
I know I have issues, but I'm still kind of happy since it still takes something from me. I met a few people who it does not bother. Those fuckers scare me.
So I'm ok. I might have a little more alone time, but I'm ok. Life is good and this was a life well lived with all opportunity. I can only hope we all do the same.
Damage control time I guess.
Mind you this is shock and I'm running on experience, not sanity.
She was 84 years old. When she started her time in the hospital she was 79. Since then she lost alot of weight and was extremely healthy for a woman with Parkinson's. She was doing so well that she got off her diabetic meds and was reduced for her Parkinson's also. She was always lucid as well as busy. She lived through alot of hardships and was always kind and loving.
My favorite memory is that she grew up Catholic and always had a rosary in her hands and constantly prayed with it until my Uncle found God in another denomination and it would be embarrassing for her to continue to pray one manner in another's House. She told me that she is supportive, but not stupid with a sly look. She said that she still prays without them. She just "counts" with her fingers using her knuckles.She said that God didn't mind. "He know where I am and what I'm up to."
My response also tickled her. In semi shock I said, "Grandma, you're an ass. Is this where I get it?" Her response was "Honey you have plenty of that from both sides."
HA! She lived well. When they noticed that her kidneys failed and dialysis was not working they asked her if she understood and she let them know that she fought enough. Even in her last moments the staff thought of her as kindhearted. Oddly enough a Priest came down to see her and give her last rights. I'm surprised they let him by, but I guess he has been visiting lately and that made her cheer up a bit. She gave her love to those present and let them know she was ready.
They gave her a strong does of morphine and allowed her heart to stop beating. She passed peacefully and calmly at 3 pm yesterday afternoon. So, yea.......good life.
Sorry good people. I'm ok really, but I don't do death well. I'm not bawling or in the corner in the fetal. I'm a bit jaded with death over all. Death happens. In my situation it happens alot, but it does take an effect with me In this situation is was not dying, but it is a celebration of a good life. I have more of an issue with people passing quickly or traumatically. I knew my grandmother's time was close years ago and I did what I could to take advantage of it. It's the reason I have no issues spoiling small animals or certain people. It's why I don't attempt to carry grudges or simply learn to live with them wishing assholes well. Life is precious when you have it and when you don't you are going to be missed. The best you can do is leave people with good memories while you can. Sadly, I can equate death in a simple statement while being silly and stupid at once.
"The worse part about being dead is that you are not alive anymore."
I know I have issues, but I'm still kind of happy since it still takes something from me. I met a few people who it does not bother. Those fuckers scare me.
So I'm ok. I might have a little more alone time, but I'm ok. Life is good and this was a life well lived with all opportunity. I can only hope we all do the same.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Shower Epiphany: Finally Feeling the Remaining Shackle Give Way
Woke up at 5 am and could not sleep again. That's ok since I had more than 6 hours of sleep and a clear and determined mind as if all my chaotic thoughts became aligned and drove chaos into one direct way.
I wont omit that Gladwell's book has not come in the right moment just like his other book drove me to question everything. This book answers the last remnants of doubt and confusion and releases my inhibition to take that stride forward.
Not only do I feel alive, but I am happy to be living NOW. This time now. A huge change from January, I'm eyeing December like its my bitch. I feel not only capital, but have a raging confidence and burning determination that all those years I felt like a dying battery, giving what remains of my being to a cold and hungry reality, are but a memory or blink of a fading thought. I feel as if Alexander is being channeled within and the world is waiting for my will upon it. I know what I want, how it will be done, and more importantly that it will happen. Best of all I've realized that I've finally discovered what limited me were never my own limitations, but those of others who in macro view do not matter any more and I have no reason to tolerate nor entertain. If my intentions are noble and true and beyond selfish, cruel, and manipulative then why must I continue to hold doubt that there are those mistreated by those who ideals were not so and be held by their hinderence or fears of the abused? If you can not tell who I am and what I embody the sorry, but you miss out. There are good and magnificent people out there and you will just miss out on me.
Tough, but sorry.
If you do not understand then you can not limit me. Your opinion is not my hang up, but yours. I have never wronged anyone, its their skewed interpretation that is wrong and it's not on me to even worry. I have carried others so far and have no time to do so anymore.
I have a legacy to build.
I am AWESOME in every way. I'm not boasting. This is my bar held high and I'm going to prove it to the world as fact. Not for ego, but for the pursuit of magnificence itself. This is my goal for life.
I wont omit that Gladwell's book has not come in the right moment just like his other book drove me to question everything. This book answers the last remnants of doubt and confusion and releases my inhibition to take that stride forward.
Not only do I feel alive, but I am happy to be living NOW. This time now. A huge change from January, I'm eyeing December like its my bitch. I feel not only capital, but have a raging confidence and burning determination that all those years I felt like a dying battery, giving what remains of my being to a cold and hungry reality, are but a memory or blink of a fading thought. I feel as if Alexander is being channeled within and the world is waiting for my will upon it. I know what I want, how it will be done, and more importantly that it will happen. Best of all I've realized that I've finally discovered what limited me were never my own limitations, but those of others who in macro view do not matter any more and I have no reason to tolerate nor entertain. If my intentions are noble and true and beyond selfish, cruel, and manipulative then why must I continue to hold doubt that there are those mistreated by those who ideals were not so and be held by their hinderence or fears of the abused? If you can not tell who I am and what I embody the sorry, but you miss out. There are good and magnificent people out there and you will just miss out on me.
Tough, but sorry.
If you do not understand then you can not limit me. Your opinion is not my hang up, but yours. I have never wronged anyone, its their skewed interpretation that is wrong and it's not on me to even worry. I have carried others so far and have no time to do so anymore.
I have a legacy to build.
I am AWESOME in every way. I'm not boasting. This is my bar held high and I'm going to prove it to the world as fact. Not for ego, but for the pursuit of magnificence itself. This is my goal for life.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Twenty- Lyrical bounce while talking to myself
We sat at the white table together as he smiled towards me. It was a relaxed and lazy smile that I have not seen since my days of youth and foolishness. A time when the weight of the world didn't rest upon my shoulders and I didn't know that life would be a hard task ahead.
This was a dream. It's rare when I can figure it out before waking, but I knew ahead of time that this was a dream. We never seem to question the fantastic or the outlandish unless we are within your dreams. It's a realm that everything can be accepted and allow us to confront and deal with issues that may seem hidden or even misunderstood. As far as I can tell my dreams have always been a means for hard thoughts to come forward and catch my attention.
I knew it was a dream since I was at a table across from myself within a room where the color of the walls elude me. It was a normal thing it seemed, since if there is any moment where you would find yourself with your doppelganger. I would not say that he was my exact double since he wore his long hair down in a fashion I called my scalawag pirate look. He was relaxed and mellow with a few days of not shaving with an air of "not giving a fuck" as if it was perfumed on him. I could not really see details that would say that he was me, but the emotion seem to convince me more than a logical mind. It's like trying to read or do math while dreaming. It's not only impossible, but it's a fast way of waking you up. Especially useful if you are having a nightmare and you want to be awake quickly.
But who am I to question sitting across from myself?
What does on do when faced with one's self? How is one to react if you are sitting with yourself? What would pass by your mind? It's a question that we don't usually ask unless you are me. I've spent most of my time listening to others. Studying their issues, actions, and behaviors. At first I did it to learn to imitate others, which I've been told I do a great job. If I know you long enough I can imitate you in your mannerisms, speech, and usual topics that make you you. It is only circumstantial that I learned to listen to people and all of sudden seem to see what they could not. I've been told that I could have bee a psychologist or a psychoanalyst, but the though had always sickened me. Being someone that is approachable and easy to talk to, words of others and not my own, I've have heard every horror story, fear, heartbreak and paranoia imaginable from my girl dumped me and I am alone to I have been physically and mentally raped by satanic forces since I was the age of 5.
Yea, heavy shit.
And yet, I've always been told that I was wise and brilliant and I am great at helping people at their issues that I must have my life in order. And yet, it's the riddle of the barber in which who cuts their hair? It's a bit of a insult in a way to be told that I can reach into the hearts of others and help them find peace when it's the one thing I desire the most. The ability to put down things that I have shared here and others that I still have to reveal. Things that keep me up at night, that keeps me wondering what could have, should have, may have had happened if I could do this or that or what other thing. That I could have prevented certain things just as some people are willing to pile on the maddening idea that they could have prevented 9-11 or save Kennedy or Lincoln if given the chance to. Those maddening thoughts that drive me to doubt, not in hopes of making me a better person, but more riddled with guilt and sadness that I have placed more blame on my plate than should be there.
And trust me, I'm one more than willing to lad my own lynching.
And yet, here at this moment of time was the one person who I could trust on everything. The one person who knew what I knew, knew what I think and what pitfalls in my own logic that would cause me to charlie horse my progress or what other windmill that I would see fit to challenge. Across from me was the one person I could honestly confide and trust. Here was the one person who could tell me what I should and should not do without any thought of malice or manipulation on anyone's behalf I did not know and I still don't, but I sat across from Me and I trusted him more than anyone or anything else.
And he was smiling.
Me: So.....what are we doing here?
Doppelganger: Please allow me to introduce myself....I'm a man of wealth and taste.
He spoke in a lyric? Really? And yet, I understood what he said.
Me: So.....are you supposed to be me?
Doppelganger: I am he as you are he as you are me...and we are all together.
So this was the gimmick? Ok, sure.
Me: Ok, so....can we talk? Are we supposed to? I mean, am I supposed to say what I want to say and you will tell me otherwise?
Doppelganger: I'm looking for me. You're looking for you. We're looking at each other and we don't know what to do.
Me: Um...ok....so I guess I wanted to ask you a few things since I'm trying to figure out what I should deal with. I wanted to go clean and pull all the shit out but I don't know how far or what I should keep doing. I really don't know sometimes because it feels like I'm always pulling shitty moments out of my life and trying to figure things out. It kind of works, but I just feel that sometimes I'm just going through it for nothing. I mean, where do I stop and what do I do when I get there?
Doppelganger: I see you've got your list out, say your piece and get out. Guess I get the gist of it 'cause it's alright Oh, well, anyway, sorry that you feel that way. The only thing there is to say Every silver lining's got a touch of grey
Me: Anyone ever tell you that we're an ass?
Doppelganger: You weren't the first...and you won't be the last....
Me: Ha.....ok...I can agree with that.
*we laughed for a while*
Me: Ok, can I float some thoughts to you then?
Doppelganger: Your own personal.....Jesus...
Me: Ok....I just wanted to know if I still have to do this or can I just get over it all.
Doppelganger: I try to discover a little something to make me sweeter....
Me: Yea, I've been trying to clear my head these months and it feels like I've hit a few things, and I've really aired out alot, but I still feel that there is more to it. There is so much more and I just can't pull it all out. It's as if I'm only scrapping the edge and there will always be somuch to deal with and I'm never going to be empty.
Doppelganger: And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out, what's in my head And I, I am feeling a little peculiar....
Me: Exactly! I always feel that no matter how much I get through that I have more. And somehow if I can't get through it all I'm still stuck and I'm never going to get to the end.
Doppelganger: I've been uptight and made a mess so I'll clean it up myself I guess.
Me: Yea, and it feels like forever. I'm tired of this. When will I be done?
Doppelganger: I just wish I knew....
Me: Wait....what? What do you mean?
Doppelganger: You an I, we've been though that and that is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now, for tomorrow is getting late.
Me: Yea.....I get that, but I just keep feeling that I'm always dealing with this shit.
Doppelganger: But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Me: Yea...exactly, but I'm confused here. What are you saying?
Doppelganger: When you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live.....And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude...refrain. Don't carry the world up on your shoulders.....Speaking words of wisdom.....Let it be.
Me: So....so just let it go?
Me: So should I keep on? Should I stop? Am I ever going to make things better?
Doppelganger: As you know anything goes....it's the end of the beginning, yea...we all know that anything can happen. We been through it. My mind is not here today.
Me: Then where is it? Where is you mind?
*He points at me and it takes me a while to realize I had a Pixies moment. Man, I'm an ass*
Me: Yea, ok. I get that. So what. Just stop?
Doppelganger: Now don't tell me it's progress 'cause that's just a lie And don't even try to come with an excuse, why? We were so busy worrying about them dropping the bomb We didn't notice where our enemy was really coming from
Me: I'm.....I'm too occupied worrying about the past? I'm dealing with the past and I'm losing track......
Doppelganger: Speak up....I can't hear you!
Me: I'm too busy pulling shit up that I'm ignoring now? Is that it?
Doppelganger: Little less conversation, little more action please? All this aggravation is not satisfaction in me
Me: I'm too absorbed? I'm busy fixing that past that I'm losing track of what I can be doing?
Doppelganger: Try to just let it go, Know that justice moves slow, But it comes in the end...I'm happy when life's good and when it's bad I cry. I got values, but I don't know how or why...I keep my eye wide open all the time....There is only so much I can owe!
Me: I'm working on the past while losing my present so I have not future. I'm spending too much time on the drawing board instead of out in the field.
Doppelganger: I think I had a song to sing and it went......life goes on.....such barrel of fun.....life goes on....Nothing going to change my world....I told them all to go to hell, that would suit them very well....Never going to be enough money, never going to be enough drugs and I'm never going to get old.....You live, you learn
This was a dream. It's rare when I can figure it out before waking, but I knew ahead of time that this was a dream. We never seem to question the fantastic or the outlandish unless we are within your dreams. It's a realm that everything can be accepted and allow us to confront and deal with issues that may seem hidden or even misunderstood. As far as I can tell my dreams have always been a means for hard thoughts to come forward and catch my attention.
I knew it was a dream since I was at a table across from myself within a room where the color of the walls elude me. It was a normal thing it seemed, since if there is any moment where you would find yourself with your doppelganger. I would not say that he was my exact double since he wore his long hair down in a fashion I called my scalawag pirate look. He was relaxed and mellow with a few days of not shaving with an air of "not giving a fuck" as if it was perfumed on him. I could not really see details that would say that he was me, but the emotion seem to convince me more than a logical mind. It's like trying to read or do math while dreaming. It's not only impossible, but it's a fast way of waking you up. Especially useful if you are having a nightmare and you want to be awake quickly.
But who am I to question sitting across from myself?
What does on do when faced with one's self? How is one to react if you are sitting with yourself? What would pass by your mind? It's a question that we don't usually ask unless you are me. I've spent most of my time listening to others. Studying their issues, actions, and behaviors. At first I did it to learn to imitate others, which I've been told I do a great job. If I know you long enough I can imitate you in your mannerisms, speech, and usual topics that make you you. It is only circumstantial that I learned to listen to people and all of sudden seem to see what they could not. I've been told that I could have bee a psychologist or a psychoanalyst, but the though had always sickened me. Being someone that is approachable and easy to talk to, words of others and not my own, I've have heard every horror story, fear, heartbreak and paranoia imaginable from my girl dumped me and I am alone to I have been physically and mentally raped by satanic forces since I was the age of 5.
Yea, heavy shit.
And yet, I've always been told that I was wise and brilliant and I am great at helping people at their issues that I must have my life in order. And yet, it's the riddle of the barber in which who cuts their hair? It's a bit of a insult in a way to be told that I can reach into the hearts of others and help them find peace when it's the one thing I desire the most. The ability to put down things that I have shared here and others that I still have to reveal. Things that keep me up at night, that keeps me wondering what could have, should have, may have had happened if I could do this or that or what other thing. That I could have prevented certain things just as some people are willing to pile on the maddening idea that they could have prevented 9-11 or save Kennedy or Lincoln if given the chance to. Those maddening thoughts that drive me to doubt, not in hopes of making me a better person, but more riddled with guilt and sadness that I have placed more blame on my plate than should be there.
And trust me, I'm one more than willing to lad my own lynching.
And yet, here at this moment of time was the one person who I could trust on everything. The one person who knew what I knew, knew what I think and what pitfalls in my own logic that would cause me to charlie horse my progress or what other windmill that I would see fit to challenge. Across from me was the one person I could honestly confide and trust. Here was the one person who could tell me what I should and should not do without any thought of malice or manipulation on anyone's behalf I did not know and I still don't, but I sat across from Me and I trusted him more than anyone or anything else.
And he was smiling.
Me: So.....what are we doing here?
Doppelganger: Please allow me to introduce myself....I'm a man of wealth and taste.
He spoke in a lyric? Really? And yet, I understood what he said.
Me: So.....are you supposed to be me?
Doppelganger: I am he as you are he as you are me...and we are all together.
So this was the gimmick? Ok, sure.
Me: Ok, so....can we talk? Are we supposed to? I mean, am I supposed to say what I want to say and you will tell me otherwise?
Doppelganger: I'm looking for me. You're looking for you. We're looking at each other and we don't know what to do.
Me: Um...ok....so I guess I wanted to ask you a few things since I'm trying to figure out what I should deal with. I wanted to go clean and pull all the shit out but I don't know how far or what I should keep doing. I really don't know sometimes because it feels like I'm always pulling shitty moments out of my life and trying to figure things out. It kind of works, but I just feel that sometimes I'm just going through it for nothing. I mean, where do I stop and what do I do when I get there?
Doppelganger: I see you've got your list out, say your piece and get out. Guess I get the gist of it 'cause it's alright Oh, well, anyway, sorry that you feel that way. The only thing there is to say Every silver lining's got a touch of grey
Me: Anyone ever tell you that we're an ass?
Doppelganger: You weren't the first...and you won't be the last....
Me: Ha.....ok...I can agree with that.
*we laughed for a while*
Me: Ok, can I float some thoughts to you then?
Doppelganger: Your own personal.....Jesus...
Me: Ok....I just wanted to know if I still have to do this or can I just get over it all.
Doppelganger: I try to discover a little something to make me sweeter....
Me: Yea, I've been trying to clear my head these months and it feels like I've hit a few things, and I've really aired out alot, but I still feel that there is more to it. There is so much more and I just can't pull it all out. It's as if I'm only scrapping the edge and there will always be somuch to deal with and I'm never going to be empty.
Doppelganger: And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out, what's in my head And I, I am feeling a little peculiar....
Me: Exactly! I always feel that no matter how much I get through that I have more. And somehow if I can't get through it all I'm still stuck and I'm never going to get to the end.
Doppelganger: I've been uptight and made a mess so I'll clean it up myself I guess.
Me: Yea, and it feels like forever. I'm tired of this. When will I be done?
Doppelganger: I just wish I knew....
Me: Wait....what? What do you mean?
Doppelganger: You an I, we've been though that and that is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now, for tomorrow is getting late.
Me: Yea.....I get that, but I just keep feeling that I'm always dealing with this shit.
Doppelganger: But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Me: Yea...exactly, but I'm confused here. What are you saying?
Doppelganger: When you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live.....And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude...refrain. Don't carry the world up on your shoulders.....Speaking words of wisdom.....Let it be.
Me: So....so just let it go?
*I give myself that look of "well duh" that I've given to so many. Wow, I am an ass.*
Me: So should I keep on? Should I stop? Am I ever going to make things better?
Doppelganger: As you know anything goes....it's the end of the beginning, yea...we all know that anything can happen. We been through it. My mind is not here today.
Me: Then where is it? Where is you mind?
*He points at me and it takes me a while to realize I had a Pixies moment. Man, I'm an ass*
Me: Yea, ok. I get that. So what. Just stop?
Doppelganger: Now don't tell me it's progress 'cause that's just a lie And don't even try to come with an excuse, why? We were so busy worrying about them dropping the bomb We didn't notice where our enemy was really coming from
Me: I'm.....I'm too occupied worrying about the past? I'm dealing with the past and I'm losing track......
Doppelganger: Speak up....I can't hear you!
Me: I'm too busy pulling shit up that I'm ignoring now? Is that it?
Doppelganger: Little less conversation, little more action please? All this aggravation is not satisfaction in me
Me: I'm too absorbed? I'm busy fixing that past that I'm losing track of what I can be doing?
Doppelganger: Try to just let it go, Know that justice moves slow, But it comes in the end...I'm happy when life's good and when it's bad I cry. I got values, but I don't know how or why...I keep my eye wide open all the time....There is only so much I can owe!
Me: I'm working on the past while losing my present so I have not future. I'm spending too much time on the drawing board instead of out in the field.
Doppelganger: I think I had a song to sing and it went......life goes on.....such barrel of fun.....life goes on....Nothing going to change my world....I told them all to go to hell, that would suit them very well....Never going to be enough money, never going to be enough drugs and I'm never going to get old.....You live, you learn
Me: So.....just get out there? What if I screw things up? What if I fuck things up again? What is I ruin people's lives and cause them to hate me and ....
Doppelganger: What the hell are we fighting for? just surrender and it won't hurt at all....Your dog days are over...It doesn't hurt me. You want to feel how it feels. You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me...All of this, all of this can be yours. Just give me what I want and no one gets hurt.
Me:But you don't think....
Doppelganger: Welcome to your life. There's no turning back. Even while we sleep, we will find you acting on your best behavior....Who knows where my dreams will end I'll follow as they grow ....Look at yourself, man. You're a winner. You're number one, don't you ever forget it. You look good today man. Go out there and show them who's boss!
Me: Really?
Doppelganger: Was it a millionaire that said imagine no possessions? The masses are asses....well, sandcastles made of sand fall into the sea.....eventually...Cause love's such an old-fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night And love dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves.....Love can conquer anyone...I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside I would swallow my doubt turn it inside out Find nothin' but faith in nothin'....All we are saying is to give peace a chance.
Me: I get it. Just go. I've changed more than enough and not matter what I need to keep moving and if I screw up then I do. I should just keep moving, adapting, and be cool. So this is the difference between us? You got to that point and I'm not there yet?
Doppelganger: A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend who bleeds is better ...but we got the biggest balls of them all! Carry on! I don't wanna stop.....If I had my time again I would do it all the same....I keep saying that it's getting too much, but I know that I'm a liar...I'm worth a million in prizes! Oh, well, a touch of gray, kinda suits you anyway, That's all I had to say 'cause it's alright
Me: Things will get better. I just have to stop worrying about them and just do. If I fuck up, I fuck up. I already know how to make amends. I already know how to make things better and how not to make mistakes and hurt others. The whole point that I've gone through all of this is because I care and I am willing to work with others and I think of them first. I am not who I was before. I changed and I'm better.
Doppelganger: The times are a changing. And in the end, the love we make is equal to the love we take.
Me: I'm....wow....thanks. I think I needed that.
*I start getting up and walking off as my double smiles and waves. I turn back and ask*
Me: So....this. Is it possible to do this again?
Doppelganger: You know my name....look up the number.....I'm you.....sad but true.
Waking up the Sun was rising high enough to flood the room with light. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and felt whole for one. Walking towards the bathroom I caught a glimpse in the mirror just passing by that caused me to stop. I looked into my eyes and felt that lose of guilt. I was looking at my reflection and I felt good and awake. I've come to realize that I'm not going to kick myself anymore. I'd done. I was done a week ago, but I realize that my act of faith has been rewarded. I find the proof I needed and realize that there is only so much I can do to pay for the moments in the past that I erred.
Life is good. Life is always going to be good.
Me: Really?
Doppelganger: Was it a millionaire that said imagine no possessions? The masses are asses....well, sandcastles made of sand fall into the sea.....eventually...Cause love's such an old-fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night And love dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves.....Love can conquer anyone...I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside I would swallow my doubt turn it inside out Find nothin' but faith in nothin'....All we are saying is to give peace a chance.
Me: I get it. Just go. I've changed more than enough and not matter what I need to keep moving and if I screw up then I do. I should just keep moving, adapting, and be cool. So this is the difference between us? You got to that point and I'm not there yet?
Doppelganger: A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend who bleeds is better ...but we got the biggest balls of them all! Carry on! I don't wanna stop.....If I had my time again I would do it all the same....I keep saying that it's getting too much, but I know that I'm a liar...I'm worth a million in prizes! Oh, well, a touch of gray, kinda suits you anyway, That's all I had to say 'cause it's alright
Me: Things will get better. I just have to stop worrying about them and just do. If I fuck up, I fuck up. I already know how to make amends. I already know how to make things better and how not to make mistakes and hurt others. The whole point that I've gone through all of this is because I care and I am willing to work with others and I think of them first. I am not who I was before. I changed and I'm better.
Doppelganger: The times are a changing. And in the end, the love we make is equal to the love we take.
Me: I'm....wow....thanks. I think I needed that.
*I start getting up and walking off as my double smiles and waves. I turn back and ask*
Me: So....this. Is it possible to do this again?
Doppelganger: You know my name....look up the number.....I'm you.....sad but true.
Waking up the Sun was rising high enough to flood the room with light. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and felt whole for one. Walking towards the bathroom I caught a glimpse in the mirror just passing by that caused me to stop. I looked into my eyes and felt that lose of guilt. I was looking at my reflection and I felt good and awake. I've come to realize that I'm not going to kick myself anymore. I'd done. I was done a week ago, but I realize that my act of faith has been rewarded. I find the proof I needed and realize that there is only so much I can do to pay for the moments in the past that I erred.
Life is good. Life is always going to be good.
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