Shower Epiphany: I'm not alone, I'm with my thoughts.

I'm safe as is. I'm protected as is. I've been alone for the majority of my life and I don't find it odd or annoying. It's just how things are. What is annoying is that I keep being told that I'm always alone as if I can't be. Mind you I would like to hang out now  and then and I do miss having my back scrubbed in the shower and that whole benefit of living longer, but I wonder what's worse for me: being me and having space to be me or being told that it's unhealthy and I need someone attached? I've been attached to great people with some peppering of assholes and I have to say in the end of the day, I like knowing that if things work well, I will die alone.

I'm not saying that to be an ass, I'm saying it to say when you have to go, even with family by your side, you go alone unless something horrible happens. It's natural to go alone. Outside of sitting on a see-saw, I've never had an alone moment. I'm used to thinking in my head or what someone called "Secret Council" which in the end was someone's scared attempt to read all my thoughts and know what I believed no matter what, a la Big Brother. Sorry, but this seriously fucked me over to the point where I don't want people around me. You can't force people to be what you want them to. I think. I think alot. I think so much that I rethink what I just thought 7, and now 8 times, before I even mention it to SOMEONE ELSE.

I am a quiet person. If we know each other well I will make noise and be active unless I'm sad, tired or sick. If you know me very well you know that I will just become quiet. Where we share the same thought and I don't have to talk. This is me silent and at peace, or.....not thinking. I am actually feeling the moment and happy. Not withdrawing. And yet, I am an isolationist and for being one I must be shoved into limelight and autopsied. Why? Because I'm quiet? Or I seem sad? I will tell you when I am and half the time you are just assuming thoughts that I do not have.

Seriously people, this shit needs to end. People are nice, but being alone is just as nice. People wear me down. I can't explain this to you, but I see myself as a battery and I will light up the moment and make things awesome, but I need to recharge. I need to rest. I need to be alone for the sake of it. I'm not plotting against you, judging you nor am I forcing you to act out some guilt that I don't have. I have an awesome imagination. I read and write. I enjoy the moment and make memories for those quit moments. I find you after months and finish off our conversation as if we just saw each other. I don't see time and space the same. My best relationships are with people who have not seen me. They know me in a way that people who look at me or know what my voice sounds like don't and will never. If anything I'm from a time where letters offered a chance to speak minds and share thoughts.

Sorry, I don't have the ability to say, "Hi, I'm George Cloony."

I think. I'm attractive thinking. My thoughts are not only brilliant, but frightening and cause change. I'm not one to speak my mind unless I have something to share that is of worth. My words have weight and meaning. I've always said that I have a silver tongue but golden fingers, simply because my stutter, didn't you know I stutter, takes over and shuts me out from the outside world. I was the fat kid who became dangerously thin due to disease and then taxed with an insolent body that I would force to limits, so in truth I don't see myself as attractive. I speak well and in an hour I make friends. I pull people out of slumps, I motivate, love, provoke, and commit acts of blasphemy that will make you feel bad for laughing so hard, that's if you don't pee on yourself.

So no, my value does not come from others. People leave as they should leave. Thoughts are immortal. I think I've chosen well.

.....

And then again, it's nice to get you back scratched or get some soup when sick.

Oh well......I'm vex with independence.