I'm letting you know ahead of time, I don't want to write this. I've been staring at blank screen for at least 3 hours now and this is the first time I write something down and it's basically saying I don't want to write this. I would rather tell you what I would rather do than to write this. I would rather walk down a cold, chilly morning down the street naked with a film crew and people with smart phones. I would rather do many things that for some would consider humiliating and hilarious to others is only for the enjoyment of the suffering of another, but I'm pretty much immune to that about now. I learned that humiliation, much like many other things where you would enjoy the suffering of others for your own amusement that just like any great meal, if it's missing an important ingredient or component it throws everything off and makes it not as enjoyable even if you want it to be.
And the your acceptance is the salt of any meal. I don't know about you, I refuse to give into anything.
Seriously, I've taught others, especially teenagers who have bee picked on and mocked that a well placed wit can not only stop an onslaught, but reverse the tables on someone. Seriously. As a guy the worst thing anyone can tell you is that you have a small dick. Me? I can only think of one woman who ever threw this insult at me and my retort of "Baby, I'm a grower and if it's small it's because you are scaring it in. I'm being impaled from within and if you keep dealing I'm going to end up with a tail. Yes, my dick is trying to get away from you one way or another. It's not even going to wait form me to leave."
Ha....only time. I guess some things goes out like Wildefire and prevents other from stepping up. After a while people start to realize that a fast quip and a natural inclination for stand up and improve can bring anyone to their knees, one way or another. So yes, I'm good with defending myself verbally. I'm so good at it that I don't get into fights. In fact, even if I know enough anatomy and ability to do so it's more of insurance to make sure that people don't revert to primal responses against intellectual attacks.
So I know how to handle myself, even if I can't. I'm not one to lay back and take anything. I find a way to ruin any enjoyment, so in truth I would rather do anything else than to do this right now.
See how I tried to change the subject? Don't know what it is? See how good I am at this?
Detours, fences, I get defensive
I know you've heard it all before, so I don't say it anymore
......see, I wanted to reopen this who deal with trust. I've gone through alot since 2009 and you'd be amazed what 4 years can do to you. And I'm trying to make things better.
......I'm going to say this. I know I said before that
I don't trust anyone.
I'm gone through alot of reflection and worked alot on myself in the past 8 or 9 months or so and I have to say that I .....improved? Is that what I'm going to say it is? This is an improvement? Is it really, because I don't feel like it's an improvement, because I'm really exposed and open. Me doing this is like "checking in" somewhere. It's like asking for a hug. It's like sleeping next to someone and having to explain why I need to hold on to them or at least a bit of clothing. It's me explaining why I had surgery as a child or why I'm afraid of roaches, why I can't watch certain movies without breaking into laughter when others are crying. Or why when told what causes ghosts I broke down and cried for an hour uncontrollably even though I don't believe in ghosts anymore. I'm really exposed and I'm going to do everything in my power to do just that. I'm giving up Batman gear for vibrant and neon Robin gun target on my back. I'm forcing myself to be....open instead of being reserved, silent, secretive and on the defensive.
I'm going to change my statement and clarify it. I'm going to change
I don't trust anyone
to
I am afraid to trust anyone anymore.
.....
This is an improvement for me. This is an improvement for me? No really, I'm wondering why this is any improvement because like I said before I am standing under spotlight and leaving myself open. It's easier saying the first statement because there is no room for debate or chance for discussion. It's A = A and nothing is easier than that. The second statement demands reflection, discussion, and makes me the center of attention which I learned is something I do not want. I rather sit on the side and be part of B roll than to have any speaking role or development. I would rather not be in focus, even in my own blog! I do not like using the words "I"and "me" or even discussing myself outside of including myself in a crowd or consensus. I don't like being alone in anything when it comes to having people notice me. I even tell stories where I'm speaking of myself as someone else, not as a for of Kanye egotism, but more as in supplying an image of who I am to them rather than who I am. In truth, I'm someone who is pretty much reserve until people start placing me into a role they would rather me play rather than to say this is who I am and this is how I feel.
Just using "I" is sickening to me. Counted at least 8 by looking up and it drives me to erase this and any references to it.
If the target is fuzzy or in truth does not exist, can you really hurt it? Sure, it limits from having really meaningful moments at time and it even makes people change gears from trying to include me in their lives to just realizing that I am not interested in them. The truth is that I, damn it now I'm self conscious at using the word "I" now, am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to act or how to behave since there is how I will act as and what I want to say. In few moments, I've even tried to be honest enough to say if someone want the epic story or the truth and in those moments people discover that I'm not the AntiChrist or the Madman of their hidden thoughts, but someone who really been through alot of shit in life and most of my antisocial behavior is out of some sort of defense from being deliberately and routinely hurt. The kind of hurt that I have issues even bringing up because it either puts people on the defensive or it make them feel uncomfortable. The kind of stuff that makes me research cult ideology, psychology of abuse, and the unending cycle of victimization that those stomped upon seem not to attempt to remove, but even warm up to in some sort of sick ideal of normality. People can recognize the abuse/abuser relationship in the simple outwardly appearance, yet people do not understand the demand of those fucked over to crave hell. To realize that shit is part of their lives and that the removal is horrifying to the point that you need to have it continue, even if you have to find more hell. Mind you I'm not there anymore and I made great strides, but just doing so is not enough. Sometimes you have to hunt down those habits that will allow this to happen and witchhunt them until they are not there anymore.
Or sometimes you just bust a Cask of Amontillado and seal yourself from the rest of the world.
That was my solution for the past 14 or so years. And sadly no matter how well you seal anything off and quarantine it it does not mean that it is gone. It just means that it's not active at that moment. It's not causing hell at that specific moment until you can not keep the barrier up and you leak liquid hell onto everything good you valued in life. And then you spread that shit to everyone around you, regardless if you want to or not. So you make yourself a carrier and you remove yourself from the general population and you keep to yourself.
I just stand by and let you fight your secret war
And though I used to wonder why I used to cry till I was dry
But it never works out that way. People pull on you no matter what. Even when you shove them away.
But if it's love you're looking for then I can give a little more
I've shoved many people away. Many people I loved and still love today. For a "noble" cause. Stupid cause. I've shoved away more people that I could have spent the rest of my life with in joy and happiness and yet, I did it and I'm afraid of doing it now because despite how well I can function in it, my greatest fear and horror is isolation. I can not be too far away from others because it will drive me mad. I can not include myself for fear of bringing something worse along and losing them permanently, but I can not remove myself completely. I've tried. For 3 years I've tried. I think that is what almost....ha...almost....drove me to take my life. Walking life with a dark mark and I think the rest of the world can see it like a kid on prom night with a zit, you just think it's visible, neon, and open to all to see. I feel like that all the time. I feel that everyone can see every bit of shame, hell, scars, conflict, and suffering in me and it makes me feel repulsive.
And if I seem to be confused I didn't mean to be with you
And when you said I scared you, well, I guess you scared me too
It makes me feel monstrous. As if people will beat down the door and chase me out of town by pitchfork and torch.
The past 8 or so months I've been......hiding. Westside. No one knows me there. Ok, on person but I lost them. But I've walked down the street without pointing. I've walked a dog. Drank coffee outside. Smiled at others and had small talk. The times I've been pointed at and laughed at I walked the Small Blonde with me and our combination of a *my eyes* a huge, monstrous creature and a tiny adorable dog only to find out that the dog has more of a chip on it's shoulder than I do. And we've mellowed with time. Now we walk down together and people cheer and smile and we wave and laugh. We even smile at each other.
She's really been good for me. Dogs are awesome.
So, this leads me to a frightening thought. Something that scares me to the bone. Yes, I know I fear nothing but the nightmares I craft myself. I am afraid that I can almost pass as people again. I can go outside and "be people". I can actually blend in and be......people. I can talk to people. I can feel as if I won't bring a plague down on others and even make people happy.
And yet I arrive at my new statement. I am terrified at trusting others because just as I can spot someone who lived hell from the fire in their eyes and see someone who has.....endured. Others can see us also and they can really tear your heart apart and destroy who you are as a human being. They can see your weakness and use them against you. I've actually meet sever people who have done this. The way I find others like me and do everything in my ability to make them feel like people and feel safe and protected from the world they prey on them......us.....they prey on us. And I have made it my "crusade", beware of those with "crusades" because they will stop at nothing, to end this and them. And in doing so I've chased off literal and imaginary nightmares and those who would take advantage of others. Some with success and others I had to leave in an act of self perseverance. I will pull your out of hell, but not at the cost of you dragging us to the bottom. How to live afterwards? I don't know. I still have trouble with that. I am working on that. I'm more at the point where I survive, but survival is not living. It's making due, rolling with the punches and waiting for shit to happen. Living is just that, living. You do not prepare yourself for hell or chaos. You just carry on and be.
All is forgiven, listen, listen
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside
....... if you're hurting so am I
It seems nice. And yet it frightens me. And what frightens me the most is that I can not live by myself. I can not live without people. I can survive with few things and I'm tired of surviving. I think I want to live and you can't live always on the defensive. I know this now because I'm able to remove myself enough from my natural chaotic environment to realize that living is nice, even if it's just walking a dog.
But that means taking a chance on people. It means that I have to trust on things that is not exactly math. It's not like 1 + 1= 2, but more one a concept of trust and belief that people are in all truth good, and they will not reach in can crush you inside. In truth, there is nothing I can do to protect myself from shitty people. I've been pulling myself away from the world and they still find me as if I've had recommendations handed out. If I pull away from the world I just limit my pool to stagnate. I need to flood it and I need good people in my life to out either shit people. It seems simple and it makes all the sense to me on paper or screen in this case, but my natural response is to fight back. My natural response is to scare everyone off. My natural response is to make myself unattainable and unreachable. And it works. And makes me alone. And it makes my heart ache when I see someone trying to reach for me and yet not have enough ..I don't know what....to try again. Maybe I lost it all or just like certain fun brain chemicals you only get so much and I don't have anymore. It makes me want to reach out for others, but I have the hardest time acting on it. I rather be safe, just as a cur has kicked so many times to expect a kick and not be able to deal with a surprise from an act of kindness.
It still puts me off. A compliment or a simply act of being nice. Almost as if I live a role that is limited in this respect. I can be charming and kind and even sweet and caring, bu I don't know how to accept any of that.
May hair was brushed the other day. A small act of kindness. Wet hair brushed and combed and loosened so that there was no pain. That scared me alot. Not just the kind act, but the fact that someone done something towards me that did not hurt.
It didn't hurt.
I don't know how to deal with that shit. I still don't.
It scares the shit out of me. I rather be insulted and yelled at them to receive an act of kindness. It's almost lost on me. I don't know how to deal with that. And in the beginning it was a simple meal, wasn't it. It won me over for years to come. A kind act that was selfless and without need to give back. Just completely random. No strings attached nor demanded.
That scares me alot. I was treated kindly. I know how to be kind, but I don't know how to recieve kindness. I would rather never receive it anymore than to be this fucking puzzled. That's the root of it all, isn't it? I don't know how to receive kindness. A gift or an act of civility. I've dealt with so much shit from people that I can not understand not giving back shit or even kindness.
I mean, if you were nice to me out of no reason and out of the blue....I can't understand that. I don't understand that.
That's all that it is......I do not know how to.
I don't know if I want to.
I just don't know. That is what is fucking with me. I don't expect it cause I'm not even aware that it can happen.
I can be kind, but I don't know how to accept kindness.
That's fucked up, right?
Is it? I am asking cause I just don't know. How do you accept nice? What do you do? How do you deal with it? Can I opt out? Can I just be nice and not get nice back? I'm used to that. Can I just get less shit coming towards me? Can I just take in less chaos, shit and hell? I'd be happy with that.
Can you people just not be nice to me?
I don't know how to deal with that.
Damn. I don't want to write anymore.
I'm done. So it's from
I don't trust anyone
I am afraid to trust anyone anymore.
to
I don't know how to accept nice.
Damn.
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