I've come to realize that I'm really functionally dysfunctional. There are things that I am able to do and there are things I have a hard time trying to think about. I'm wise only because I made so many mistakes, but outside of that and a desire to figure out what the hell happened people come to me for advice that they call on the ball and yet I honestly have my moments where just having a normal conversation with people UNPREPARED can really send me to the fetal.
My only redeeming trait is that I'm one to force myself to be uncomfortable time to time, if only to kick the lion in the ass before being torn apart. I do thrive on chaos and when shit happens I'm the one person you should have in your corner if I'm not already running in, but it's normal life....."being people" that I find things the hardest. I would rather live my last moments in hell than to be normal sadly.
And yet, this is my attempt to be as mundane and normal as possible. I'm done raising banner and getting into the fray even though it's my element. I want to be people. Believe it or not I'm really proud of myself when I walk with the Short Blonde on a Saturday morning as we go to the park. Inside I'm fist in the air cause I'm normal. I'm buying cappuccino like people do. I have a two minute conversation with a stranger and on occasion i actually return a smile or two without feeling that I'm a walking hazard or just feeling that I will infect and cause chaos to others. I sit by myself and I realize that I've worked so hard to get here, something which most of you probably take for granted, and I feel I don't deserve it in any way.
Sick, I know. But that is me. I'm working with nothing, not even from ground up. I'm trying to be.....normal or a normal me. It's hard, but I'm doing it. This is actually living.
I don't know if I like it yet. I'm used to shit happening and always running. I don't know if I can get used to the quiet. I'm just on pins and needles with something that I think will go wrong. I'm scared and I would rather go to a safe place and hide under covers. So....yea. I'm trying. It's a new thing for me and I'm trying to be.....people or at least try to be that person you all seem to think I am.
He sounds awesome. I figure I might as well try to.
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