A hell that seems to haunt me today, even now, as I relive the past for clues that never were and hunches that do not exist.
I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'll explain this once more even though it feels I've explained this so many times already......hence my hell.
I always feel that I've missed my calling at times, since I'm usually a marvel at the details. Things that help me wonder for hours that a small question can usually answer. For example, while running I reached a set of houses that had a giant riding mower cutting that grass. Most people would have not payed any mind, but automatically I told myself that that mower was very large and that it would make no sense to drag it around to site to site. It had to have some place to leave it when not working and by the look of the property it looked like that there was not suitable place unless they occupied one of the small garages to place this any any other landscaping equipment. Mind you, I questioned not because I wanted to find where it was or even ask the people what they did with it since it would automatically paint me as someone with an interest in the mower. It was a puzzle that I wanted to answer and it kept my mind sharp.
It wasn't until yesterday when I saw one of those giant pickups with the double tires in the rear with a massive incline in the alley. That answered my question and at the same time it fueled more. Not to ask or to investigate, but to simply assume on what information I can gather while running by for 15 seconds.
That is how my mind works. To some that would be exhausting and yes, there are moment in the darkness of predawn where I am up hunting down google wondering if Stephen King's monster in It was in any way Lovecraftian only to discover a few essays and vast information on youtube. I've been woken up from the slumber of a dead sleep only to drag myself in front of a computer to find out a random thought here and there only to look up and realize dawn had arrived and left.
Mind you, all of this is quite brilliant and it often times fuel amazing conversations with people who out of rudeness and a lack of "hallo" I've simply continued our last conversation with a few more thoughts and analysis that I've had the chance to reflect on. To say I'm a spur of the moment thinker is to say that turtles are excellent sprinters. I may take actions in a heart beat and some may even complain that I move faster than most, but within my head I often am reliving conversations had and moments that simply baffle me.
What's my point?
Getting there.
I'm going to start showing the links to this chained thought, so please hold on and remember that I'm working to the end even though you may feel that I am simply waxing on poetically or painting a scene. I'm working hard at completing the thought so that it can be put to rest and allow my mind to clear if only for a moment.
Try to follow along.
I can't recall from where or want to really, seeing that I will investigate why I focus on one link and not the whole chain or at least that is what I will say now, there is a mystique about the idea of a mix tape. I know I am dating myself a wee bit, but there was a time when music was hard to get hold of and getting music was an amazing thing even if you could just drop a few songs on a CD and burn them. So in my time on this planet and about, I've made a few if only for my enjoyment and since the creation of the MP3 we can say that this have mutated to the playlist and some sort of cloud, is it? Either way it was meaningful to get a CD from someone. To discover new music or a band that was just starting to bud. Music is a personal expression and sometimes just getting a batch of music means so much.
And yet, I have never equated it to getting flowers or candy. Not only due to my gender, but I've always been someone to share things I've always felt were great. I'm the person who offers everyone in the room a bite of what is tasty even if I only got a bite from the experience. I'm one to promote the qualities of others and to boast the greatness of all things not me. I've always been a giver and connect the act of giving with good feelings and even joy. And yet, I'm not one to see others giving to me and see it as anything. I'm usually one to say 'no thank you' or 'I'm good, thanks' and yet I've been told that sometimes you have to accept things if only to offer the person joy and appreciation. I understand that but something sick and twisted in my life had me equate keeping things with loosing them or watching them become destroyed so if I ever get something of value I either give it away in order to allow it a chance to survive or even protect it with my life, but only for things that I'm able to carry out of a fire in an undaunted hand while dragging someone with the other. I don't put importance to things because when someone can that something you find joy in and destroy it in front of you to see you suffer you wither learn not to place joy in things or to hide that joy from the world in fear of someone finding it and destroying it.
I know. Sick and twisted, no?
So I try not to accept things and offer much thanks and kindness. That kind of shit sticks to you.
And yet......mix tape.
.........
There are few people in my life that had honestly either changed me or tried to make that attempt to a better person or who loved me in some sort of way that was not completely destructive to either of us. I'm one to say that in the mix of psychopaths and narcissists who have wrecked my life in their ways, I'm met people....women who have fostered some hope and kindness in my heart. Their leaving for one reason or another has in many ways inspired me to take more steps in life and at the same time caused an ache in my heart that only strong bourbon and the blues can relieve. I used to cut them out of my mind in the past and deal with moments that they would show up time to time in my dreams and thoughts. They haunt my mind and inspire my imagination as Muses lost and desires unrelieved. I use them as a bar at times when wondering who is worth my time and other times they are the vexing torment that has me shake my enraged fist at a world who had taken them away from me,even if I can understand why. When someone arrives that this place I can not remember their flaws nor recall what difficulties they may have offered. They become more myth than human at times and yet I know that I have to detach myself from this in order to have any future at all.
So when I hear that some people give these items as a show of affection and even desire I panic. I remember and look back and I even pull apart my things to that I can hold them or in this case the CD. Holding it now in my hand it baffles me now on how stupid or oblivious I can be to someone. Looking at the writing on each song, times, titles and artist as well as a small bit on how I should think of this just hurts me now in the same way a Blues Man would relive a moment of pain to inspire numerous songs that still do not reach bottom the well of despair in their heart. To hear B.B. King moan or John Lee Hooker literally weep out words that convey so much agony only those who live such a moment can look up and realize someone else feels what I can not set to words or music.
Beware of Artists for they blend with all of us.
Ha.....sorry....I'm feeling this now.
So to say that I loved this girl is saying so little. So little to the point that I've told myself no matter what I must keep my distance if only to save the the trouble of my chaotic life. I still see myself as a source of chaos now and carefully limit my time with people I care most now if fear that I may cause them some sort of anguish. I would rather cause myself pain that any one else. So you can see why I'm apprehensive on why I spend time with others and who.
Speaking to a friend, who I shall call The Philosophical Punk, I've always remarked that she had a harem, or to say a collection of men who follow her about in with puppy dog eyes and unsettling photos of their genitalia on hand. We've traded horror stories and laugh at the blatant actions of those who would gather her attention even though much of the time they are either seeking an ideal she can/won't supply or are simply sub par to her, i.e. 'as soon as I get out of this ankle bracelet I'll move near you'. Something not to be enjoyed even if it provides suitable laughs. And yet, she has on quite amount of times shown that I have a 'sidekick' of sort. Not a harem in comparison of her minion count, but a female sidekick that may change actresses but usually is an active role. At some point I can usually shrug it off, saying that sometimes you get paired with someone from work or is just someone to pass the time here and there and to go for a meal, but to say that this has no merit is to lie, even if there is nothing I may want from them than a meal mate and someone to hold an intelligent conversation.
And yet, there is always a sidekick. If not one there is usually someone who I can confide enough to have a moment respite in my chaotic life. Someone who I can have coffee with, talk about the thoughts of the day or even laugh with. So there is a need, even if I do not look for these people. I can even think if I placed a call and gathered them together I can. They are not minions or people who would do something for me, but individuals who I in some part adore and care about as one would a sister. I've even told some that I would never want to sleep with them if only to tell them that I'm pulling myself out of any race that others may stubble over others in desire for their attention. I'm not one to fight for someone's time and have always seen it as what little I can get is more than enough. So I'm not collecting people in the traditional sense especially my strays are something all together different.
But that's for another day.
So spending my time with someone .....anyone is not a huge thing for me. It's a treat and I enjoy it, even if we are too busy chewing to talk. It's just someone to take my mind off my life. Someone to share a kind moment. Someone who I don't expect to be there in my life. If anything it's Me featuring Them. Just something that I'm not concerned with outside of just a moment. Are they unattractive? No. Do they not have qualities that I would find attractive or even desirable? Sure they do. I truth I just don't see myself as anyone/thing worth the time of others. Yes, I know. Sick and twisted, but this is what I'm dealing with. I'm at the point where I figure out that people like me enough to get near me, but I'm not aware that I am worth their time in the long run. Especially when I've look back and see my relationships never made it past the two year mark. There is something faulty in this and I'm now at the point that it has to be me. So I am not one to chance at losing a friend for a chance of a bed mate anymore.
I've already lost too many brilliant people I could have had as friends who I lost as a lover. In the end, I have to say it's me somehow. And that is what my mind had been doing. Something that the Philosopher Punk, calls something between masochistic and hateful circular thought where I am to blame no matter what. I call it regathering the evidence and trying to figure out what was. Mentally returning to Cold Cases and trying to see if new thoughts and views offer any new insight that I may have missed. Reliving history long gone for the sake of never having to relive it again. Mentally pulling and searching the wreckage of the downed moments, searching through fields and crevices for what is missing and what never was to rebuild it over and over and over again only to realize it is never enough. I can find an answer but it is never enough nor is it the answer I've been looking for.
The last one who had left my hear was just 5 years ago. I still think about her still and wonder, but never one question. No matter how I put it out of mind, I somehow rush back and rebuild it all even though I am more than tired of this, I still obsessively look thought it to realize what was.
But never .......
And I see it all and think that I could have done something different and could have somehow salvaged or even made it better. That I for some reason ended up overlooking something and this something is the mix tape. Perhaps, mayhaps I could have changed things I could have made things better for both of us. I could have somehow salvaged enough of us so that I would not be haunted by her or her absence. That I could have only made things better and maybe even find that one thing in me tha is of fault and that I can repair so that I do not feel that I am at at fault and I am to blame. If I only listened to that mix tape more or studied it longer or even....
Stop it.....
If I can not solve this puzzle how am I going to live with myself and allow myself to sleep and rest and move on. It's my fault somehow and unless I find out how or why......
Yes......ask it.....ask it the right way.....
.....why it's my fault....
No, but you are close....a little more.
Why it's my fault?
Come on, one more time.....
Why is it .....
No....don't run from it. Face it.
......my fault.......
Come on. Say it all.
......why is it my fault? Why is it my fault?
There you go.....answer that one. Answer the one that you always turn blind eyes to.
........ok.
.....I'm doing all of this to find a solution. I want to know why I screwed it up, but in truth I'm just .....hurting myself. I'm tearing myself apart in hopes that I can make amends for making someone feel unloved.
Keep going.
To make them feel that I've hurt someone. So cause someone to feel unwanted and unneeded. To make them feel like I was made to feel. Unwanted, unneeded, a hindrance and someone to blame. I would even love them if I didn't because it's a horrible feeling that I can....
No, not you.....stop it....you didn't do it and you never done it.
.....I'm afraid of making anyone feel like how I felt. That feeling of hurt and worthlessness. That abusive feeling of nothingness that equates all the problems to.......
Come on. Say it.
.....to me. That it's my fault. That I somehow made things worse and believe that I am to blame for everything. That I am so willing to accept blame and swallow all the blame to make things right. And that is my problem. I automatically blame myself...because...
....watch it......don't do that.....
....it's my fau...
STOP IT.
......I'm afraid it may be me?
All of it.
I'm afraid that I'm to blame no matter what. That in truth I'm only responsible for my actions and in truth I can only be responsible for my actions.
There.
.....but if I can somehow....
WHAT? You can control the actions of others over what you have done? NO, it does not work that way. You are making your self worse than you ever were. It's not your fault. And if it was, so what? That does not make anyone else less responsible. You did everything right and you even try harder than anyone else. If no one can see that than what good are they?
......but I.....
Feel better if its your fault? Really? How is that? Where is the math attached to that?
.....
You are only digging in an area that has been dug and nothing may come out of it. There is no answers there. You know this.THINK. What do you tell others. Use that now.
.......*sigh* Yea......I tell others that if someone wants your attention they will cross Hell and back if only to see you for 5 minutes. And when someone does not want anything to do with you they will disappear off the face of the world.
Yea...
Yea. Yeah. In the end I'm beating up a dead horse and I'm the horse. There is no use and there is nothing wrong with me outside that I think there is something wrong with me. I mean, there has been people I could not get rid of nor could I even shake. Some people hunt me down today and I do what ever I can not make sure they can't get to me. At the same time I know others who are able to walk off. And .....that's ok. It's ok if I was never worth the time. I'm not worth their time as much as in truth they were never worth mine.
If somethings fall apart it's not just me. I try to make things better, but it's not all on me.
It's not.
And here is where I stop trying. Because I'm just finding new ways of kicking myself down when others just run off and keep going. Some just to cause the same shit over and over again. So.....no. Just no. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm just not going to kick myself down for something I had no control over and could not do alone. In truth, every one has to share in the blame as well as in the rewards.
So why dish out double the hell just to give up on any reward? Do I honestly deserve any? Am I not allowed to pat my own back even if I deserve more? I know others can't step on my throat if I'm not doing the yogi miracle and doing it myself, but damn......really?
Really? I know I'm mess up and twisted, but I'm not even doing this for something I want outside of hating myself more?
Really....what the fuck?
*throws CD into trash and moves on*
There you go. Good for you.
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