Shower Epiphany: Clarity

"Sometimes you lose track of who or what you are fighting for." ~Frank Castle

So I've spent the past 8 months trying to clear out everything I know and understand and start from the ground up with a mind of doubt. I wanted to question everything that I have been pondering. That nothing was sacred and if I could not defend something with a clear conscious had to take on the role of an apologist then it's not worth my time and it was something to either reject or simply say those hard words that I tried so hard never to say: "I don't know". Simply said I needed to see who I was/am/will be in order to figure out what I wanted to do.

I have to say that the last time I had a time to reflect was more than a decade ago emerging from a sweat lodge after four hour ceremony. It was a turning point in my life and it help give me momentum towards what I wanted to do. And yet the past decade or so has been hard and so many things had happen without allowing me to reflect and figure out what I needed to do to cope. In truth I just barreled through and figured that I will sort it out soon. Yet after all this time I've realize that I could not move on any further and seen a simple goal has become an emotional death march in which I had to reach a place in order to get over the fact that I've lost alot of people along the way. I've changed ideologies, changed my motivation, learned a whole lot more about what I'm willing to do and how far I want to go. I know I'm not giving many details and I've come to the result that I don't have to. I don't have to air everything to find peace with it and simply writing a list of what I've went through makes me feel more of a victim and that's the last thing I ever wanted to feel like.

In 8 months, I've realized a few things:

1. I'm really a sensitive person. To the point that I hate to make others feel hurt in any way. I think this is related to that strong sense of guilt I have.

2. I play role for most people that they hand me and I'm kind of tired of it. At first it's kind of fun, but once fun becomes work then no. I'm sorry people, I've lived alot of life and I have to say I'm not the wise man on the mountain. I've fucked up, figured it out and moved on. I'm not a mystical person who will bestow wisdom to you. I have scars on my hands from doing. You should too.
3. I've fucked up really big. Like huge. Like big times! And I have to just walk it off. I already know I'm sorry and I would never want to screw up, but I'm done kicking myself for others to feel better. I'm a masochist by nurture it seems and not nature, so no more me beating myself up for guilt.

4. I've come to the realization that I love everyone. I mean everyone. I love all of you and people who I have not met. I actually care about everyone and I admit that now.

5. Knowing I love everyone, I still have to say that some of you are really stupid. I mean really stupid. I can love you and know that you are acting stupid. I just won't enable you and will be there when you are finished being stupid. I'm not going along with it anymore. I'm going to call out your bullshit and sit near the exit when you get off the ride. In fact, I had/have to remove people from my life not because I don't love them or love them still, but because they want to drag me out to that that ride with them. No.....sorry. Not going to happen.

6. I honestly have a crappy image of myself. Like bad. I actually started to listen to some of you people after a while. I mean, some of the worst injuries I've received come from gardening. Sorry, but this legend most of you built for me is hazardous to my health, both physical and mental. So, no sorry I'm not going to be your enforcer, stick, or boogeyman. I'm getting tired of the whispers and the scared looks. Don't know why I'm saying this? Go back to #1.

7. I know I have this aura of menace, but I'm really nice once you get past the idea that I might eat you. I am not only normal, but I'm really fucking silly. In fact, I've been told that I am damn amusing. If you can make me laugh, you won me over. If you give me a cookie, you won me over. If you can overlook that I snort when I laugh to hard, do things just because I want to see what would happen, and can get over the fact that yes, I do end up getting hurt just by walking down the street sometimes and yes, I will end up pulling out my autopsy kit and fixing myself then I'm just as normal as you think you are. That's my story and I'm sticking to it......although I will fuck with you time to time. Just for fun. Never to harm.

8. I love almond milk with coconut. Alot. Nothing really special, I just wanted to share.

9. I'm a lot more afraid of you than you will ever be of me. I have BIG TRUST ISSUES and I'm working on that. Just because you know most of my life does not mean I trust you. Just because I smile at you does not mean I trust you. If I hugged you, I trust you.....enough......for the moment. I'm working on this and this makes me reserve, selective with who I sit with and speak to, and who I spend my time with. I'm approachable and if you have patience, I will be the best friend you ever had. Just don't cross me. I'm not a pokemon, notch in the belt/bed post, or a figment of what you think I am. *see #2*

10. I'm a survivor first, father second, and me if there is anything left. Life is hard and I've been told that I should write down some of the stuff I've lived through so that they can buy the book. In fact, I don't share cause people end up looking at me funny. I'm trying to change that order because I realize that I can change who I am for a positive and anyone still willing to fight "secret wars" is only doing so because they do not understand that they can live in peace and security. So I'm relearning who I am and what I love. Having a callous skin can get heavy after a while.

So on top of my head this is what I figure out. I'm not that bad overall. Who knew?