Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Twenty- Lyrical bounce while talking to myself

We sat at the white table together as he smiled towards me. It was a relaxed and lazy smile that I have not seen since my days of youth and foolishness. A time when the weight of the world didn't rest upon my shoulders and I didn't know that life would be a hard task ahead.

This was a dream. It's rare when I can figure it out before waking, but I knew ahead of time that this was a dream. We never seem to question the fantastic or the outlandish unless we are within your dreams. It's a realm that everything can be accepted and allow us to confront and deal with issues that may seem hidden or even misunderstood. As far as I can tell my dreams have always been a means for hard thoughts to come forward and catch my attention.

I knew it was a dream since I was at a table across from myself within a room where the color of the walls elude me. It was a normal thing it seemed, since if there is any moment where you would find yourself with your doppelganger. I would not say that he was my exact double since he wore his long hair down in a fashion I called my scalawag pirate look. He was relaxed and mellow with a few days of not shaving with an air of "not giving a fuck" as if it was perfumed on him. I could not really see details that would say that he was me, but the emotion seem to convince me more than a logical mind. It's like trying to read or do math while dreaming. It's not only impossible, but it's a fast way of waking you up. Especially useful if you are having a nightmare and you want to be awake quickly.

But who am I to question sitting across from myself?

What does on do when faced with one's self? How is one to react if you are sitting with yourself? What would pass by your mind? It's a question that we don't usually ask unless you are me. I've spent most of my time listening to others. Studying their issues, actions, and behaviors. At first I did it to learn to imitate others, which I've been told I do a great job. If I know you long enough I can imitate you in your mannerisms, speech, and usual topics that make you you. It is only circumstantial that I learned to listen to people and all of  sudden seem to see what they could not. I've been told that I could have bee a psychologist or a psychoanalyst, but the though had always sickened me. Being someone that is approachable and easy to talk to, words of others and not my own, I've have heard every horror story, fear, heartbreak and paranoia imaginable from my girl dumped me and I am alone to I have been physically and mentally raped by satanic forces since I was the age of 5.

Yea, heavy shit.

And yet, I've always been told that I was wise and brilliant and I am great at helping people at their issues that I must have my life in order. And yet, it's the riddle of the barber in which who cuts their hair? It's a bit of  a insult in a way to be told that I can reach into the hearts of others and help them find peace when it's the one thing I desire the most. The ability to put down things that I have shared here and others that I still have to reveal. Things that keep me up at night, that keeps me wondering what could have, should have, may have had happened if I could do this or that or what other thing. That I could have prevented certain things just as some people are willing to pile on the maddening idea that they could have prevented 9-11 or save Kennedy or Lincoln if given the chance to. Those maddening thoughts that drive me to doubt, not in hopes of making me a better person, but more riddled with guilt and sadness that I have placed more blame on my plate than should be there.

And trust me, I'm one more than willing to lad my own lynching.

And yet, here at this moment of time was the one person who I could trust on everything. The one person who knew what I knew, knew what I think and what pitfalls in my own logic that would cause me to charlie horse my progress or what other windmill that I would see fit to challenge. Across from me was the one person I could honestly confide and trust. Here was the one person who could tell me what I should and should not do without any thought of malice or manipulation on anyone's behalf I did not know and I still don't, but I sat across from Me and I trusted him more than anyone or anything else.

And he was smiling.

Me: So.....what are we doing here?
Doppelganger: Please allow me to introduce myself....I'm a man of wealth and taste.

He spoke in a lyric? Really? And yet, I understood what he said.

Me: So.....are you supposed to be me?

Doppelganger: I am he as you are he as you are me...and we are all together.

So this was the gimmick? Ok, sure.

Me: Ok, so....can we talk? Are we supposed to? I mean, am I supposed to say what I want to say and you will tell me otherwise?

Doppelganger: I'm looking for me. You're looking for you. We're looking at each other and we don't know what to do.

Me: Um...ok....so I guess I wanted to ask you a few things since I'm trying to figure out what I should deal with. I wanted to go clean and pull all the shit out but I don't know how far or what I should keep doing. I really don't know sometimes because it feels like I'm always pulling shitty moments out of my life and trying to figure things out. It kind of works, but I just feel that sometimes I'm just going through it for nothing. I mean, where do I stop and what do I do when I get there?

Doppelganger: I see you've got your list out, say your piece and get out. Guess I get the gist of it 'cause it's alright Oh, well, anyway, sorry that you feel that way. The only thing there is to say Every silver lining's got a touch of grey

Me: Anyone ever tell you that we're an ass?

Doppelganger: You weren't the first...and you won't be the last....

Me: Ha.....ok...I can agree with that.

*we laughed for a while*

Me: Ok, can I float some thoughts to you then?

Doppelganger: Your own personal.....Jesus...

Me: Ok....I just wanted to know if I still have to do this or can I just get over it all.

Doppelganger: I try to discover a little something to make me sweeter....

Me: Yea, I've been trying to clear my head these months and it feels like I've hit a few things, and I've really aired out alot, but I still feel that there is more to it. There is so much more and I just can't pull it all out. It's as if I'm only scrapping the edge and there will always be somuch to deal with and I'm never going to be empty.

Doppelganger: And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out, what's in my head And I, I am feeling a little peculiar....

Me: Exactly! I always feel that no matter how much I get through that I have more. And somehow if I can't get through it all I'm still stuck and I'm never going to get to the end.

Doppelganger: I've been uptight and made a mess so I'll clean it up myself I guess.

Me: Yea, and it feels like forever. I'm tired of this. When will I be done?

Doppelganger: I just wish I knew....

Me: Wait....what? What do you mean?

Doppelganger: You an I, we've been though that and that is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now, for tomorrow is getting late.

Me: Yea.....I get that, but I just keep feeling that I'm always dealing with this shit.

Doppelganger:  But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Me: Yea...exactly, but I'm confused here. What are you saying?

Doppelganger: When you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live.....And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude...refrain. Don't carry the world up on your shoulders.....Speaking words of wisdom.....Let it be.

Me: So....so just let it go?

*I give myself that look of "well duh" that I've given to so many. Wow, I am an ass.*

Me: So should I keep on? Should I stop? Am I ever going to make things better?

Doppelganger: As you know anything goes....it's the end of the beginning, yea...we all know that anything can happen. We been through it. My mind is not here today. 

Me: Then where is it? Where is you mind?

*He points at me and it takes me a while to realize I had a Pixies moment. Man, I'm an ass*

Me: Yea, ok. I get that. So what. Just stop?

Doppelganger: Now don't tell me it's progress 'cause that's just a lie And don't even try to come with an excuse, why? We were so busy worrying about them dropping the bomb We didn't notice where our enemy was really coming from  

Me: I'm.....I'm too occupied worrying about the past? I'm dealing with the past and I'm losing track......

Doppelganger: Speak up....I can't hear you!

Me: I'm too busy pulling shit up that I'm ignoring now? Is that it?

Doppelganger: Little less conversation, little more action please? All this aggravation is not satisfaction in me


Me: I'm too absorbed? I'm busy fixing that past that I'm losing track of what I can be doing?

Doppelganger: Try to just let it go, Know that justice moves slow, But it comes in the end...I'm happy when life's good and when it's bad I cry. I got values, but I don't know how or why...I keep my eye wide open all the time....There is only so much I can owe!

Me: I'm working on the past while losing my present so I have not future. I'm spending too much time on the drawing board instead of out in the field.

Doppelganger: I think I had a song to sing and it went......life goes on.....such barrel of fun.....life goes on....Nothing going to change my world....I told them all to go to hell, that would suit them very well....Never going to be enough money, never going to be enough drugs and I'm never going to get old.....You live, you learn

Me: So.....just get out there? What if I screw things up? What if I fuck things up again? What is I ruin people's lives and cause them to hate me and ....

Doppelganger: What the hell are we fighting for? just surrender and it won't hurt at all....Your dog days are over...It doesn't hurt me. You want to feel how it feels. You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me...All of this, all of this can be yours. Just give me what I want and no one gets hurt.

Me:But you don't think....

Doppelganger: Welcome to your life. There's no turning back. Even while we sleep, we will find you acting on your best behavior....Who knows where my dreams will end I'll follow as they grow  ....Look at yourself, man. You're a winner. You're number one, don't you ever forget it. You look good today man. Go out there and show them who's boss!

Me: Really?

Doppelganger: Was it a millionaire that said imagine no possessions? The masses are asses....well, sandcastles made of sand fall into the sea.....eventually...Cause love's such an old-fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night And love dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves.....Love can conquer anyone...I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside I would swallow my doubt turn it inside out Find nothin' but faith in nothin'....All we are saying is to give peace a chance.

Me: I get it. Just go. I've changed more than enough and not matter what I need to keep moving and if I screw up then I do. I should just keep moving, adapting, and be cool. So this is the difference between us? You got to that point and I'm not there yet?

Doppelganger: A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend who bleeds is better ...but we got the biggest balls of them all! Carry on! I don't wanna stop.....If I had my time again I would do it all the same....I keep saying that it's getting too much, but I know that I'm a liar...I'm worth a million in prizes! Oh, well, a touch of gray, kinda suits you anyway, That's all I had to say 'cause it's alright

Me: Things will get better. I just have to stop worrying about them and just do. If I fuck up, I fuck up. I already know how to make amends. I already know how to make things better and how not to make mistakes and hurt others. The whole point that I've gone through all of this is because I care and I am willing to work with others and I think of them first. I am not who I was before. I changed and I'm better.

Doppelganger: The times are a changing. And in the end, the love we make is equal to the love we take.

Me: I'm....wow....thanks. I think I needed that.
*I start getting up and walking off as my double smiles and waves. I turn back and ask*

Me: So....this. Is it possible to do this again?

Doppelganger: You know my name....look up the number.....I'm you.....sad but true.

Waking up the Sun was rising high enough to flood the room with light. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and felt whole for one. Walking towards the bathroom I caught a glimpse in the mirror just passing by that caused me to stop. I looked into my eyes and felt that lose of guilt. I was looking at my reflection and I felt good and awake. I've come to realize that I'm not going to kick myself anymore. I'd done. I was done a week ago, but I realize that my act of faith has been rewarded. I find the proof I needed and realize that there is only so much I can do to pay for the moments in the past that I erred.

Life is good.  Life is always going to be good.

Fan Boy Request

Dear X Men Movie people, 

I have been a huge fan since my four great friends got me into comics. I love the X men. I'm quite happy that you are trying to to correct what ......shit you made of the franchise since the second X Men movie. I can dig it. I can even forgive you for putting that douche Ryan whatever as Deadpool. I can forgive you and give you loving kisses and forgiving hugs. It's hard to please us Geeks and I understand, you are working against the mountain of Fanboys. I understand. It's not like you can get Jim Lee and pay him to sit on set while still working for DC and have him tell you what you are doing wrong......although you should try anyways.

But you can do this one thing to redeem yourself in this movie. Listen carefully. I'm going to say this slowly.

Bring in the Sentinels.

Do it. Don't ask questions. Don't even give them a back ground. The Age of Future Past is good enough and it need them. Anyone wanting to know, fuck em. Let them wiki or better hit their local shop and engage the Geek there and then they will learn. So just do it. Bring them in. You want bonus points? For the next movie, I want Mr. Sinister and Apocalypse. Do it. You owe us.

Ryan whats his face.

Yea....you owe us big.

Sincerely,

A Geeky Fanboy since back in the day.

P.S. If you want me to REALLY be happy? Listen closely....

Rachel. Give us Rachel. Malin Akerman or Jessica Alba are good starts. I would say Milla Jovovich, but she she would only turn you down and that would make me cry.

Shower Epiphany:Teach Blox with 3! Teach the Conspiracy!

Every time I see a group of creationists try to get creation "science" into schools and start off with "let us vote" or "let us decided what should be taught in schools" I'm blown away on how stupid it sounds. Imagine people have gotten together to declare every time you teach the number 3 you should teach the alternative number blox. There is no evidence for blox or it has no equivalent to 3 in any way. They just don't want 3 because it proves that it belongs between 2 and 4 and it's an odd number. No evidence for, but "tons" of evidence, never at hand or peer reviewed, that 3 is not a correct number.

Popular belief does not mean correct.

Hey, just because 3 disproves your bullshit just because it has evidence and you look pretty shabby with blox you can't just force people not to know that 3 exist and is mathematically proven. Fun part? Never realize that some other group might just come in and complain that glubor should be taught with blox.

But fuck those guys. They know nothing, especially about blox.

Shower Epiphany: Clarity

"Sometimes you lose track of who or what you are fighting for." ~Frank Castle

So I've spent the past 8 months trying to clear out everything I know and understand and start from the ground up with a mind of doubt. I wanted to question everything that I have been pondering. That nothing was sacred and if I could not defend something with a clear conscious had to take on the role of an apologist then it's not worth my time and it was something to either reject or simply say those hard words that I tried so hard never to say: "I don't know". Simply said I needed to see who I was/am/will be in order to figure out what I wanted to do.

I have to say that the last time I had a time to reflect was more than a decade ago emerging from a sweat lodge after four hour ceremony. It was a turning point in my life and it help give me momentum towards what I wanted to do. And yet the past decade or so has been hard and so many things had happen without allowing me to reflect and figure out what I needed to do to cope. In truth I just barreled through and figured that I will sort it out soon. Yet after all this time I've realize that I could not move on any further and seen a simple goal has become an emotional death march in which I had to reach a place in order to get over the fact that I've lost alot of people along the way. I've changed ideologies, changed my motivation, learned a whole lot more about what I'm willing to do and how far I want to go. I know I'm not giving many details and I've come to the result that I don't have to. I don't have to air everything to find peace with it and simply writing a list of what I've went through makes me feel more of a victim and that's the last thing I ever wanted to feel like.

In 8 months, I've realized a few things:

1. I'm really a sensitive person. To the point that I hate to make others feel hurt in any way. I think this is related to that strong sense of guilt I have.

2. I play role for most people that they hand me and I'm kind of tired of it. At first it's kind of fun, but once fun becomes work then no. I'm sorry people, I've lived alot of life and I have to say I'm not the wise man on the mountain. I've fucked up, figured it out and moved on. I'm not a mystical person who will bestow wisdom to you. I have scars on my hands from doing. You should too.
3. I've fucked up really big. Like huge. Like big times! And I have to just walk it off. I already know I'm sorry and I would never want to screw up, but I'm done kicking myself for others to feel better. I'm a masochist by nurture it seems and not nature, so no more me beating myself up for guilt.

4. I've come to the realization that I love everyone. I mean everyone. I love all of you and people who I have not met. I actually care about everyone and I admit that now.

5. Knowing I love everyone, I still have to say that some of you are really stupid. I mean really stupid. I can love you and know that you are acting stupid. I just won't enable you and will be there when you are finished being stupid. I'm not going along with it anymore. I'm going to call out your bullshit and sit near the exit when you get off the ride. In fact, I had/have to remove people from my life not because I don't love them or love them still, but because they want to drag me out to that that ride with them. No.....sorry. Not going to happen.

6. I honestly have a crappy image of myself. Like bad. I actually started to listen to some of you people after a while. I mean, some of the worst injuries I've received come from gardening. Sorry, but this legend most of you built for me is hazardous to my health, both physical and mental. So, no sorry I'm not going to be your enforcer, stick, or boogeyman. I'm getting tired of the whispers and the scared looks. Don't know why I'm saying this? Go back to #1.

7. I know I have this aura of menace, but I'm really nice once you get past the idea that I might eat you. I am not only normal, but I'm really fucking silly. In fact, I've been told that I am damn amusing. If you can make me laugh, you won me over. If you give me a cookie, you won me over. If you can overlook that I snort when I laugh to hard, do things just because I want to see what would happen, and can get over the fact that yes, I do end up getting hurt just by walking down the street sometimes and yes, I will end up pulling out my autopsy kit and fixing myself then I'm just as normal as you think you are. That's my story and I'm sticking to it......although I will fuck with you time to time. Just for fun. Never to harm.

8. I love almond milk with coconut. Alot. Nothing really special, I just wanted to share.

9. I'm a lot more afraid of you than you will ever be of me. I have BIG TRUST ISSUES and I'm working on that. Just because you know most of my life does not mean I trust you. Just because I smile at you does not mean I trust you. If I hugged you, I trust you.....enough......for the moment. I'm working on this and this makes me reserve, selective with who I sit with and speak to, and who I spend my time with. I'm approachable and if you have patience, I will be the best friend you ever had. Just don't cross me. I'm not a pokemon, notch in the belt/bed post, or a figment of what you think I am. *see #2*

10. I'm a survivor first, father second, and me if there is anything left. Life is hard and I've been told that I should write down some of the stuff I've lived through so that they can buy the book. In fact, I don't share cause people end up looking at me funny. I'm trying to change that order because I realize that I can change who I am for a positive and anyone still willing to fight "secret wars" is only doing so because they do not understand that they can live in peace and security. So I'm relearning who I am and what I love. Having a callous skin can get heavy after a while.

So on top of my head this is what I figure out. I'm not that bad overall. Who knew?

Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Nineteen – Joey: 6 to 9 feet Revistited

I don't want to write this.

I'm letting you know ahead of time, I don't want to write this. I've been staring at blank screen for at least 3 hours now and this is the first time I write something down and it's basically saying I don't want to write this. I would rather tell you what I would rather do than to write this. I would rather walk down a cold, chilly morning down the street naked with a film crew and people with smart phones. I would rather do many things that for some would consider humiliating and hilarious to others is only for the enjoyment of the suffering of another, but I'm pretty much immune to that about now. I learned that humiliation, much like many other things where you would enjoy the suffering of others for your own amusement that just like any great meal, if it's missing an important ingredient or component it throws everything off and makes it not as enjoyable even if you want it to be.

And the your acceptance is the salt of any meal. I don't know about you, I refuse to give into anything.

Seriously, I've taught others, especially teenagers who have bee picked on and mocked that a well placed wit can not only stop an onslaught, but reverse the tables on someone. Seriously. As a guy the worst thing anyone can tell you is that you have a small dick. Me? I can only think of one woman who ever threw this insult at me and my retort of "Baby, I'm a grower and if it's small it's because you are scaring it in. I'm being impaled from within and if you keep dealing I'm going to end up with a tail. Yes, my dick is trying to get away from you one way or another. It's not even going to wait form me to leave."

Ha....only time. I guess some things goes out like Wildefire and prevents other from stepping up. After a while people start to realize that a fast quip and a natural inclination for stand up and improve can bring anyone to their knees, one way or another. So yes, I'm good with defending myself verbally. I'm so good at it that I don't get into fights. In fact, even if I know enough anatomy and ability to do so it's more of insurance to make sure that people don't revert to primal responses against intellectual attacks.

So I know how to handle myself, even if I can't. I'm not one to lay back and take anything. I find a way to ruin any enjoyment, so in truth I would rather do anything else than to do this right now.

See how I tried to change the subject? Don't know what it is? See how good I am at this?

Detours, fences, I get defensive

I know you've heard it all before, so I don't say it anymore

......see, I wanted to reopen this who deal with trust. I've gone through alot since 2009 and you'd be amazed what 4 years can do to you. And I'm trying to make things better.

......I'm going to say this. I know I said before that

I don't trust anyone.

I'm gone through alot of reflection and worked alot on myself in the past 8 or 9 months or so and I have to say that I .....improved? Is that what I'm going to say it is? This is an improvement? Is it really, because I don't feel like it's an improvement, because I'm really exposed and open. Me doing this is like "checking in" somewhere. It's like asking for a hug. It's like sleeping next to someone and having to explain why I need to hold on to them or at least a bit of clothing. It's me explaining why I had surgery as a child or why I'm afraid of roaches, why I can't watch certain movies without breaking into laughter when others are crying. Or why when told what causes ghosts I broke down and cried for an hour uncontrollably even though I don't believe in ghosts anymore. I'm really exposed and I'm going to do everything in my power to do just that. I'm giving up Batman gear for vibrant and neon Robin gun target on my back. I'm forcing myself to be....open instead of being reserved, silent, secretive and on the defensive.

I'm going to change my statement and clarify it. I'm going to change

I don't trust anyone

to

I am afraid to trust anyone anymore.

.....

This is an improvement for me. This is an improvement for me? No really, I'm wondering why this is any improvement because like I said before I am standing under spotlight and leaving myself open. It's easier saying the first statement because there is no room for debate or chance for discussion. It's A = A and nothing is easier than that. The second statement demands reflection, discussion, and makes me the center of  attention which I learned is something I do not want. I rather sit on the side and be part of B roll than to have any speaking role or development. I would rather not be in focus, even in my own blog! I do not like using the words "I"and "me" or even discussing myself outside of including myself in a crowd or consensus. I don't like being alone in anything when it comes to having people notice me. I even tell stories where I'm speaking of myself as someone else, not as a for of Kanye egotism, but more as in supplying an image of who I am to them rather than who I am. In truth, I'm someone who is pretty much reserve until people start placing me into a role they would rather me play rather than to say this is who I am and this is how I feel.

Just using "I" is sickening to me. Counted at least 8 by looking up and it drives me to erase this and any references to it.

If the target is fuzzy or in truth does not exist, can you really hurt it? Sure, it limits from having really meaningful moments at time and it even makes people change gears from trying to include me in their lives to just realizing that I am not interested in them. The truth is that I, damn it now I'm self conscious at using the word "I" now, am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to act or how to behave since there is how I will act as and what I want to say. In few moments, I've even tried to be honest enough to say if someone want the epic story or the truth and in those moments people discover that I'm not the AntiChrist or the Madman of their hidden thoughts, but someone who really been through alot of shit in  life and most of my antisocial behavior is out of some sort of defense from being deliberately and routinely hurt. The kind of hurt that I have issues even bringing up because it either puts people on the defensive or it make them feel uncomfortable. The kind of stuff that makes me research cult ideology, psychology of abuse, and the unending cycle of victimization that those stomped upon seem not to attempt to remove, but even warm up to in some sort of sick ideal of normality. People can recognize the abuse/abuser relationship in the simple outwardly appearance, yet people do not understand the demand of those fucked over to crave hell. To realize that shit is part of their lives and that the removal is horrifying to the point that you need to have it continue, even if you have to find more hell. Mind you I'm not there anymore and I made great strides, but just doing so is not enough. Sometimes you have to hunt down those habits that will allow this to happen and witchhunt them until they are not there anymore.

Or sometimes you just bust a Cask of Amontillado and seal yourself from the rest of the world.

That was my solution for the past 14 or so years. And sadly no matter how well you seal anything off and quarantine it it does not mean that it is gone. It just means that it's not active at that moment. It's not causing hell at that specific moment until you can not keep the barrier up and you leak liquid hell onto everything good you valued in life. And then you spread that shit to everyone around you, regardless if you want to or not. So you make yourself a carrier and you remove yourself from the general population and you keep to yourself.

I just stand by and let you fight your secret war

And though I used to wonder why I used to cry till I was dry

But it never works out that way. People pull on you no matter what. Even when you shove them away.

But if it's love you're looking for then I can give a little more

I've shoved many people away. Many people I loved and still love today. For a "noble" cause. Stupid cause. I've shoved away more people that I could have spent the rest of my life with in joy and happiness and yet, I did it and I'm afraid of doing it now because despite how well I can function in it, my greatest fear and horror is isolation. I can not be too far away from others because it will drive me mad. I can not include myself for fear of bringing something worse along and losing them permanently, but I can not remove myself completely. I've tried. For 3 years I've tried. I think that is what almost....ha...almost....drove me to take my life. Walking life with a dark mark and I think the rest of the world can see it like a kid on prom night with a zit, you just think it's visible, neon, and open to all to see. I feel like that all the time. I feel that everyone can see every bit of shame, hell, scars, conflict, and suffering in me and it makes me feel repulsive.

And if I seem to be confused I didn't mean to be with you

And when you said I scared you, well, I guess you scared me too

It makes me feel monstrous. As if people will beat down the door and chase me out of town by pitchfork and torch.

The past 8 or so months I've been......hiding. Westside. No one knows me there. Ok, on person but I lost them. But I've walked down the street without pointing. I've walked a dog. Drank coffee outside. Smiled at others and had small talk. The times I've been pointed at and laughed at I walked the Small Blonde with me and our combination of a *my eyes* a huge, monstrous creature and a tiny adorable dog only to find out that the dog has more of a chip on it's shoulder than I do. And we've mellowed with time. Now we walk down together and people cheer and smile and we wave and laugh. We even smile at each other.

She's really been good for me. Dogs are awesome.

So, this leads me to a frightening thought. Something that scares me to the bone. Yes, I know I fear nothing but the nightmares I craft myself. I am afraid that I can almost pass as people again. I can go outside and "be people". I can actually blend in and be......people. I can talk to people. I can feel as if I won't bring a plague down on others and even make people happy.

And yet I arrive at my new statement. I am terrified at trusting others because just as I can spot someone who lived hell from the fire in their eyes and see someone who has.....endured. Others can see us also and they can really tear your heart apart and destroy who you are as a human being. They can see your weakness and use them against you. I've actually meet sever people who have done this. The way I find others like me and do everything in my ability to make them feel like people and feel safe and protected from the world they prey on them......us.....they prey on us. And I have made it my "crusade", beware of those with "crusades" because they will stop at nothing, to end this and them. And in doing so I've chased off literal and imaginary nightmares and those who would take advantage of others. Some with success and others I had to leave in an act of self perseverance. I will pull your out of hell, but not at the cost of you dragging us to the bottom. How to live afterwards? I don't know. I still have trouble with that. I am working on that. I'm more at the point where I survive, but survival is not living. It's making due, rolling with the punches and waiting for shit to happen. Living is just that, living. You do not prepare yourself for hell or chaos. You just carry on and be.

All is forgiven, listen, listen

Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside

....... if you're hurting so am I

It seems nice. And yet it frightens me. And what frightens me the most is that I can not live by myself. I can not live without people. I can survive with few things and I'm tired of surviving. I think I want to live and you can't live always on the defensive. I know this now because I'm able to remove myself enough from my natural chaotic environment to realize that living is nice, even if it's just walking a dog.

But that means taking a chance on people. It means that I have to trust on things that is not exactly math. It's not like 1 + 1= 2, but more one a concept of trust and belief that people are in all truth good, and they will not reach in can crush you inside. In truth, there is nothing I can do to protect myself from shitty people. I've been pulling myself away from the world and they still find me as if I've had recommendations handed out. If I pull away from the world I just limit my pool to stagnate. I need to flood it and I need good people in my life to out either shit people. It seems simple and it makes all the sense to me on paper or screen in this case, but my natural response is to fight back. My natural response is to scare everyone off. My natural response is to make myself unattainable and unreachable. And it works. And makes me alone. And it makes my heart ache when I see someone trying to reach for me and yet not have enough ..I don't know what....to try again. Maybe I lost it all or just like certain fun brain chemicals you only get so much and I don't have anymore. It makes me want to reach out for others, but I have the hardest time acting on it. I rather be safe, just as a cur has kicked so many times to expect a kick and not be able to deal with a surprise from an act of kindness.

It still puts me off. A compliment or a simply act of being nice. Almost as if I live a role that is limited in this respect. I can be charming and kind and even sweet and caring, bu I don't know how to accept any of that.

May hair was brushed the other day. A small act of kindness. Wet hair brushed and combed and loosened so that there was no pain. That scared me alot. Not just the kind act, but the fact that someone done something towards me that did not hurt.

It didn't hurt.

I don't know how to deal with that shit. I still don't.

It scares the shit out of me. I rather be insulted and yelled at them to receive an act of kindness. It's almost lost on me. I don't know how to deal with that. And in the beginning it was a simple meal, wasn't it. It won me over for years to come. A kind act that was selfless and without need to give back. Just completely random. No strings attached nor demanded.

That scares me alot. I was treated kindly. I know how to be kind, but I don't know how to recieve kindness. I would rather never receive it anymore than to be this fucking puzzled. That's the root of it all, isn't it? I don't know how to receive kindness. A gift or an act of civility. I've dealt with so much shit from people that I can not understand not giving back shit or even kindness.

I mean, if you were nice to me out of no reason and out of the blue....I can't understand that. I don't understand that.

That's all that it is......I do not know how to.

I don't know if I want to.

I just don't know. That is what is fucking with me. I don't expect it cause I'm not even aware that it can happen.

I can be kind, but I don't know how to accept kindness.

That's fucked up, right?

Is it? I am asking cause I just don't know. How do you accept nice? What do you do? How do you deal with it? Can I opt out? Can I just be nice and not get nice back? I'm used to that. Can I just get less shit coming towards me? Can I just take in less chaos, shit and hell? I'd be happy with that.

Can you people just not be nice to me?

I don't know how to deal with that.

Damn. I don't want to write anymore.

I'm done. So it's from

I don't trust anyone

to

I am afraid to trust anyone anymore.

to

I don't know how to accept nice.

Damn.

Shower Epiphany: Only Weak Men fear Strong Women

AronRa, is not only an intellectual mentor, but a role model in every way. Men can be, must be, and must hold up the banner of Feminism. Only weak men fear strong women. Strong men see them as their peer and equals.

It's that simple. You can't hide behind reason, atheism, "humanism" or any other form of logic AND fear and speak out against the rights of women. Sorry, this shit perpetrates Rape Culture, blaming victims, men as mindless beasts ruled by their sexual desires, and women only having values as sexualized objects. This Madonna/Whore thing needs to die. IF you want to remove poverty, you lift up and educate women. If you want society to be free, you give women control over their reproductive capabilities and actually treat them as if they have command over their own bodies. If you want a brilliant society, you have to have magnificently brilliant women if only to raise magnificently brilliant children and a better future IF NOT to help take the lead in making the world a better place.

Serious, how the fuck are you threatened if someone else have the same rights, abilities and future as you? Are you that frightened? What are you worried about? What has you so scared? I don't know about you but I can silence women only three ways: Giving them the opportunity to ponder a thought, feeding them, and moving them to strong emotion where words are meaningless or not necessary. I hope, desire, and wish for the same treatment. Even if I differ with anyone, I want to be treated in this way and I appreciate the effort.

And as for the sake of the Atheist community, which this is a call for unification, how can you say that you do not want some sort of intellectual and social oppression and allow any other sort. Fuck you. You have not idea what an atheist is. If you can find solace in any oppression against anyone else, then you are not on my side regardless of what label you want to share with me. Fuck you and everyone who acts like you. I don't need your help.

Lastly, society is changing and it's changing very quickly. So if you do not change with it you will either be dragged along or abandoned. I look forward to telling stories to my grandchildren on day how two men could not hold hands, or women had to wear certain colors and that I was brought to tears when a little girl said, "Girls can be super heroes too!" This shit will end. The only question is that you can choose where you want to stand and how to be remembered as.

Peace and Love, good people. Let's put this shit to the grave and may it rest there regardless of what superstition, irrational fear, or awkward weakness may attempt to haunt us.

Peace and Love.

*gets off soap box and leaves, stage left*

Reconsidering Norms by AronRa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd_0hjHuDMo

Shower Epiphany: "Look after them" and why those people are a Big bag of Dicks.

I've been thinking about those moments when a friend breaks up with their respective other and then they other usually tells me, "Look after them."

This pisses me off! This never happens if the relationship was healthy or ended with mutual agreement. This ALWAYS happen when the other person gets sideswiped by the other person and they're running for it. I mean when do you hear these words from someone who actually cared bout how to end things? This usually adds up with them finding someone and they are just burning down the bridge while they're walking across. 

I've even tried finding some sort of comparison between this and some real world event and I can't find one where the perpetrator does NOT, READ NOT, look like an asshole! The closest thing is when Led Zepplin would trash a hotel room, but then they had to pay for the expenses so that went out the window. The closest thing would be trashing something to the point it was left ruined, worthless, and trashed with no visible chance of redemption out side of long days of work as the asshole in question just walks off and tell you, "Oh, look after that shit I completely and totally fucked up, THANKS!"

Complete and total asshole. Nope...this one comes to another I can't believe, like when I said that I could never justify calling someone a CUNT and just a few days later it's like "oh, here you go. How about now?"*You know who remember this, but I wan't name you because you are too sweet to be associated with this rant and I loves you so much for being a good and awesome person* No, I'm going to pull this out since I can't think of anything else worse.

That person who does this, is a BAG OF DICKS, thanks Louis C.K., because they are on a level of SUCK that is almost unfathomable and I doubt anyone ......ANYONE.....will want to research or tabulate it. So the next time someone tosses the jagged and abused remains of someone's heart AND they say, "Look after them" in some sort of mock caring as they get ready to make their getaway, read absolution for you being a bag of dicks, I'm going to say,

"No! NO! Fuck you, you bag of DICKS! FUCK YOU AND EVERYONE WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU!"

*gets off of soapbox and storms off to stage exit left*

Shower Epiphany: Deranged Digital Dictation

Finally in the right mood to write. Sometimes it's not how you approach something is in what way you would think you would approach something. That and I'm getting kinda tired of all these heavy posts even though it might help me in the long run I can't stand any more sleepless night. I'm going to try to come in through the front way I'm going to try to actually commit resurrection I doubt I'll be able to do it , but hey I've done a lot more than most people give me credit for. that and every now and then I have to turn around to look at someone else and half of that I just pull that s*** off? I know I'm capable of some really cool things some breathtakingly awesome moments , but I usually don't see myself anything better than trash. I know it's very zen of me to think very little of myself but I think it's really tracking me down lower in two places where I really don't want to deal with things. I have to find happy middle where I'm not the greatest human being in the world, but at the same time I don't deserve to be spit on all the same. And truth I'm trying to find out what my real value is and if my real value is around a buck 25 then I can accept that. I just don't want to feel that I'm over hyped and at the same time treated like cheap material.

I don't know. I really don't. and yet I would have to agree with Iggy Pop that I'm worth a million in prizes, at least.

I know that some of you were asking why I'm writing such things and why I decided to clear out the closet and whatnot. In truth I'm going to say this as blunt as possible. When it came down to the races going down the street someone beat me to it. He not only beat me to it but he scared me for the fact that he was the one who won. In fact I could say now that he pissed me off because he stole my exit. and yet I honestly think he actually save my life. In truth, I'm no quitter and yet hard moments leave empty and weak sometimes. If anything I didn't want to end up leaving as a quitter. If I do leave this I wanted people to know that I went down swinging and kicking biting and scratching screaming and head butting all the way down. some of you with know, don't make things easy for anybody. It just not the way I do things.

So outside of my promise to take certain things to my grave, everything is going to be talked out. Hell if anything , it's my way of fighting back against the world actually try to crush me. Hmm.... I'm talking too much. I should be writing this down somewhere else instead of talking to you. That whole thing about milk being free and the cow and up becoming steak dinner. And so, I'll leave you all to go write.

Um.... By the way , all of this is being written down via voice thingy. So any odd oddities is due to the fact that yeah I kind of slur my words or mumble at times. Go fig? So anything written here that's kind of odd that I didn't do well... Enjoy!

Shower Epiphany: Before the Dawn

These are the silent moments that I live for when all are asleep and the world is just a little still. These are the moments I feel the closest to myself as I know that life will soon erupt and chaos once more will flow in a spectacle of function and purpose. These silent moments I sit and hear the faint roar of an engine and wonder how far it is from me. I contemplate the actions of the previous day and I wonder possibilities on what was and what could be. I'm thankful for another day and I look forward to make new mistakes and an ass out of myself once more. I savor these cold mornings, watching the sun slowly manifest as I usually sip warm brew and welcome it, often times calling it a 'punk ass' for being late or on waiting for it for so long.

I know that in these moments I want to live and I want to live the fullest, often lamenting that I can only get so much experience for my meager fee of conception half of a demanded experience or or some shades of life that will not be repeated or even offered to me. As much as it saddens me it fills my heart with resolution on seeing others s unopened tombs of knowledge that will give me experiences lived and lessons learned even though my foolish mind will only take heart what pains I've already suffered myself at times. It forces me to reach out for things that I believe are not for me and give me hope to connect with others on a level that will mayhps offer some soothing calm or at least entertain my mind with new thought if a lull may not be offered. It's an opportunity to recreate myself new if need be and even so I return to my previous sketchings on who I am and what I should be it offers me a time, a moment of respite from what lumps I shall call mountains and what great tales I shall create from stepping outside and venturing for giants and my fill of explorer's wine.

I do not fear windmills, yet people send me running. I fear not the creatures of the abyss, but asking for creme leaves me nervous and sometimes drinking it black. Loosing myself in my madness often provides comic relief from the tragedy of life as many point me out to be the fool in motley and yet even kings request my council and palaver. Only a fool would dare say what we think and not someone reaching out towards you begging to be pulled in and to belong, for only a moment. He fears commuting wrongs that never will be and insults that he had felts so long ago. By the end of the day, sedation may be needed and undeserved kicking of moments lost and errors made, but in the morning. Right now. He picks up dented armour and faces giants once more in hopes of never picking up armour again.

So, I am hopeful and thankful to today. I am happy and believe it or not, excited to be here.

Or I can lie down and sleep some more.

Ha.....yea...right

Shower Epiphany: 'Scuse me while I tend to how I feel

I've come to realize that I'm really functionally dysfunctional. There are things that I am able to do and there are things I have a hard time trying to think about. I'm wise only because I made so many mistakes, but outside of that and a desire to figure out what the hell happened people come to me for advice that they call on the ball and yet I honestly have my moments where just having a normal conversation with people UNPREPARED can really send me to the fetal.

My only redeeming trait is that I'm one to force myself to be uncomfortable time to time, if only to kick the lion in the ass before being torn apart. I do thrive on chaos and when shit happens I'm the one person you should have in your corner if I'm not already running in, but it's normal life....."being people" that I find things the hardest. I would rather live my last moments in hell than to be normal sadly.

And yet, this is my attempt to be as mundane and normal as possible. I'm done raising banner and getting into the fray even though it's my element. I want to be people. Believe it or not I'm really proud of myself when I walk with the Short Blonde on a Saturday morning as we go to the park. Inside I'm fist in the air cause I'm normal. I'm buying cappuccino like people do. I have a two minute conversation with a stranger and on occasion i actually return a smile or two without feeling that I'm a walking hazard or just feeling that I will infect and cause chaos to others. I sit by myself and I realize that I've worked so hard to get here, something which most of you probably take for granted, and I feel I don't deserve it in any way.

Sick, I know. But that is me. I'm working with nothing, not even from ground up. I'm trying to be.....normal or a normal me. It's hard, but I'm doing it. This is actually living.

I don't know if I like it yet. I'm used to shit happening and always running. I don't know if I can get used to the quiet. I'm just on pins and needles with something that I think will go wrong. I'm scared and I would rather go to a safe place and hide under covers. So....yea. I'm trying. It's a new thing for me and I'm trying to be.....people or at least try to be that person you all seem to think I am.

He sounds awesome. I figure I might as well try to.

Madness is....

The people around me are a special kind of stupid. It's like watching meth heads talk to each other on how many teeth they lost and cool ways of taking them out as they fall out and missing the point that they are using meth. I mean, people might just find out they're using meth and this might be some sort of scandal. Really toothless meth head? Really? You are worried about people finding out you are using meth and that might make you look bad? How about the fact that you are toothless because you are using meth? No? Not an issue? You just don't want people to find out? 

Don't worry toothless meth head your secret is safe with me considering there is no secret to keep and I stopped caring about your stupid meth ways.

A special kind of stupid indeed.

Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Eightteen – Let It Loose

He laughed bitterly. She could only watch him and knew that reaching out to him would be a slap in his face. She could understand why he didn't like to be touched. You had to let others get close enough to touch you and every touch he had faced ended up in some sort of slap. You either began to associate touch with pain or you consider it part of love's by product. A caring caress can always become a slap. you just had to have some faith on what you were getting. And yet, he lost all faith in touch also.

This was not going to be easy. This was not going to be clean either.

Sitting in the sunny room with bird song filling the air, she allowed him to recollect himself before moving on. She knew well enough that he would not run from anything asked, yet it was very easy to shut him off. He thought so much that if he kept on the same thoughts he would only continue on into the same answers he arrived to and would lead him down the same thought patterns. She needed to disrupt that. She needed to provoke him a bit more and in the right way, and yet she knew that he was already used to the cause and effects of it all. He thought too much for these situations.

She needed to change the subject just enough to make him change directions without him knowing.

She spoke first, "You look good."

His eyes shot up to meet hers in a second before they looked away. She noticed that he hadn't looked at her directly until now. She did have the advantage, but she didn't think she would need to use it. There was some mixture of anger and confusion in his eyes. It could be of the situation or perhaps it was something he was not ready to hear from her.

He mumbled some sort of response.

"What?"

"......"

"I can't hear you."

"....ank yo......"

She gave him a look back. She hated how he used mumbling as a means of creating distance.

"I mean it. You really do look good. You really kept up through out the years."

He laughed joylessly, "You should have seen me just a few months ago."

"Oh? Why?"

"I was in bad shape. I've lost alot and gotten stronger, but I was a real mess then."

"The injury?"

"Yea."

This isn't working. "I'm sorry, I would have like to gotten a hold of you...."

Anger this time. Almost hatred. This time the flash was brilliant and furious.

"You know what I mean."

"Yea......I guess......umm......yea....you would have gotten back to me, I guess. I don't think I would have made it easy though."

There, an opening.

"Oh, why is that?"

"I shut myself down a while back. Realized that people were looking for me or they found me though social media and I didn't want people to find me."

"Why?"

He looked up this time, a bit more annoyed, but not as angry. As if he had gotten used to something and realized no one was to blame.

Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger

Some face I'll never see no more, wrong

"That was another life. I'm not that person anymore."

"You've done this before?"

"Yea.....I've lived at least three....maybe four lives so far."

"What do you mean? What exactly is living another life."

He took in a deep breath and his shoulders loosened a bit. He sat back in his chair and thought about what he was going to say.

"I've lived really extreme moments that somehow don't connect with each other. One second I'm married with children, struggling with making ends meet in a marriage that is not the healthiest and another second I'm this guy with all this free time, too much to really contemplate, trying to play catch up to things."

"Catch up?"

"Catch up. I've left school and started life early. I had some sort of an idea in mind, but I had no idea how that idea had not chance. I mean, I call it the young and stupid age. It's romantic, poetic and very.....devastating."

"How?" Keep talking.

"I was young. I was in love. I wanted to make things better and had an ideal on what things should be. It was all very Romantic, as in Shelly and Keats sort of way, not flowers and hearts kind of crap. I set out into life with my heart on my sleeve and a dream to make the world a better place."

"Didn't end up that way, huh?" She poured him some more tea.

He laughed bitterly again, "No.....no in any way. I look back now and I realize that I was very innocent and trusting. I believed that life would take care of me. I had no defenses against things. It was like tossing a baby down the mountain and forcing it to survive. I mean......life had a mean sot of way of making you adapt. You either build up defenses quickly or it made you it's bitch before you were tossed aside."

"You were really that innocent?"

He looked at her again, this time it was sadness. "Come on, you remember when we met. You couldn't believe how naive I was then. You laughed at how 'sweet' I was back then and how life didn't shake that out of me."

"Did it?"

"Like a British nanny."

"Ewwww....."

"You asked."

They stared at each other and started laughing. This time his laughter was genuine and the real deal. She would have to make him laugh more to get closer.

"You were so sweet when I met you. You still are."

"I don't feel sweet. I feel nothing like sweet."

"Oh really, what do you feel like?"

"I feel like I'm a walking monster. I feel too big to fit in and to barbarous to be left alone."

"You are no such thing! Who the hell told you that?"

"No one, or at least not to my face. After a while I just......stopped caring about being kind and nice. After a while I just wanted to be left alone. Just left be. I had enough of people and I would have thought they had enough of me."

"Didn't work that way, did it?"

"Being left alone? No.....thanks to Ann Rice and that kind of shit, if someone is by themselves they must bee brooding and brooding is sexy and you must throw yourself at that like some mindless slug."

"Sounds like twilight....."

"Don't it? I mean, I gotten to a point when I realize I didn't fit with people around me anymore. I was the man out. I mean, out of all things I wanted to blend in and just fade away and every time I get shoved into some sort of spotlight." He started to sing, "One of these things is not like the other..."

They laughed again.

"Man, after a while I felt out of place and out of time. I didn't fit with everyone around me. And that always hung on my head. The last thing you want as an introvert was attention."

"You were never an introvert when I knew you."

"You were different. you made me comfortable in my own skin. You made me forget that I had responsibilities and demands and people trying to get a hold of me just to tell me off. I mean, you made me feel as if I was just another human being. I felt normal around you."

"Good, you deserve to feel normal."

"Yea, I think I stopped feeling normal after you. Then after I was just shoved out into the spotlight and I was the monkey on stage. People thought I knew something. People started to ask me what life was as if I was the wise man on the mountain. Ha.....almost fell or it too until I realize that people just wanted to know a kook instead of needing advice. They wanted someone to confess to, fix them up just enough to get them to the next shitty moment they would make themselves go to. They wanted to tell someone how fucked up they are just to be happy enough to keep getting fucked up. I mean.....sickening."

"I bet."

"And of course that made me a magnet for broken people."

"Broken people?"

"Broken people. People who lived some sort of trauma and were just trying to live or worse, looking for someone to dump their shit on. I'm a perfect person somehow since I'm SO successful." He waved his arms sarcastically. "People want to tell you their abuse. Their shitty moments to just unload. Few people want to make life better, just want to tell someone for some special treatment or kindness. Tell me things that I didn't need to hear as if just talking to me would make them better."

"They didn't help, right?"

"No, but if I realized that they can change something. Do something to make things better, then they would just do the same thing over and over again. Ha.....you know what is someones natural response to someone they admire?"

She nodded. "Sleep with them."

"EXACTLY!" His response echoed in the room and scared the birds outside into silence. He went on. If I handed to you a pill bottle prescribed just to you to cure your illness, just easy things to help. I'm not talking a miracle pill or years of therapy shoved in a pill. I mean little advice and outlook that most people ask for and when they get it.....", he shook his head. "I mean, little things such as you should stop 'dating cause there is a pattern of bad people in your life' kind of stuff. Well, imagine giving that to them and then seeing them just start rubbing the bottle against themselves to get off."

"Masturbating with it?"

"Basically. You would start saying, 'what's wrong with you? Take the pill. Stop rubbing it against you.', but people don't want to be strong. They want to fuck someone who is strong. People don't want to be smart, they want to fuck smart. People don't want to be sane or calm, or what ever it is you are missing. You want to get off and then go out with it and marry it and wonder why you are still sick and now why you are being abused by the bottle?! People would not even take the medicine if you made it a miracle drug. Too hard. How they hell will they ever get through their hell and make life better?"

"That's a little unfair."

"It's not when you are the bottle. Cause now you are part of their sickness and you can just focus on your own. Both your crazies interact with each other and you are either getting hit by both or you are walking on eggs to make sure you don't trigger them both. I mean, I am in no way sane or healthy  in any way, but I know that I'm working on it. I'm trying to make things better so that I can...."

He trailed off.

"So that you can?"

He took a moment of time before he spoke again. "You know what? I don't know. Before I wanted to make things better for me so that I can find someone. then I just wanted to be a better father. Now I just want peace of mind. I want to fall asleep and stay asleep. I want to never cause harm or any sort of shit. I am constantly walking around as if I'm this walking toxic waste that needs to be watched for unless people around me get sick. I want to feel normal for once. I want to sit down and just have no one notice me. I want to lose myself in a crowd and just not exist anymore. Forget finding someone..."

"You want to find someone?"

He looked up hurt this time. "Well, you're not available, right?"

The comment hurt him more than it could ever hurt her. He meant it that way.

Who's that woman on your arm?

All dressed up to do you harm

"You shouldn't be alone."

"Not everyone was like you."

"No......sad right?"

He started to tear up just a bit again. "Yea, tell me about it. You were great. You are still great. You're...."

She reached out to him this time and he let her take his hand before taking it back. "Sorry, but I don't want to get used to it."

"Touching you?"

"Yea.....that and being touched. It's too personal now."

"Why?"

He gotten a hold of himself and forced a calm voice forward. "You only have two things that you can control in the end. You have your name and you have your personal space. They can still take your personal, but you can fight them off. Same with your name except that your name has a way of defending itself if you let it. Like that koan that I read once about that monk accused of fathering a child with his grocer. You know it?"

"Yes. You gave me the book, remember."

He did smile. "Well, the main thing is if you just keep doing what you know if right you will get redeemed one way or another, but it's not your name that you redeem, but people realizing that you were shitted on. If you just don't care and move on you can. It's like calling someone something they are not......well, outside of a pedophile or rapist. Some things you can work through. I guess the others you can you just have to find away and place to redeem...."

"Focus."

"Yea....well, people can usually tell if you are or are not something if they really want to know, but you honestly have to believe that things will be right and you have to believe you never acted in a bad way or in the end you'll end up believing that you did do it. Either way a clean conscious clear all."

"Still doesn't mean that you don't live through hell."

"Yea, that's certain. You will still live through hell, but as long as you believe in yourself you can tolerate it a bit more. I've lived that a few times. It's nothing I would like others to live through, but it's one fucking hard crucible to live through."

"You lived through it, huh?"

"Yea.....black sheep. Worst in the family. Stupid. Worthless. The only thing I can say is that after a point you actually see that you survived the moment when others realize that you were never in any harm. I mean, I came from the stupid kid who thrown away his measly, worthless life to being someone who you can talk to about anything. And yet, ...."

"Yet?"

"And yet, I'm surrounded by people who still like to remind me of that hell. As if trying to take me down a peg. As if I didn't live enough shit already. As if I need to suffer more cause I'm outspoken and ever more militant now than then. I know I've done stupid things and I don't hide from it, but hell.....you'd think I made it and I must be doing some good. I'm not asking for a cookies, not after what I've done. but shit.....how about not spitting at me anymore?"

He dropped his head on the table in a thump and then thumped it again.

Let it loose, yeah, let it loose, let it loose

Let it loose, let it all come down

"Don't do that."

"Or"

"I'm going to do this." She ran her finger on his hair. "You grew it out."

"Twice now." He didn't move.

"Twice. Hmmmmmm......I like it wild."

"Too much to deal with. I just hide it under a hat until I can tie it down and deal with it."

"You and your hair. Just wild things that should not be tied down."

They laughed again and he picked his head up. "Can I get that on a prescription, Doc?"

"Of course."

They laughed harder until the joke left them calm once more.

"You let me touch you."

"I trust you. I always had."

"Took me years too."

"Yea, well. I always figured you were out of my league."

They continued on like this for a small moment. Small flirtatious talk that was harmless and yet walking around the elephant in the room. The one that made him not want to realize no matter how much it bothered him. The moment he did this would be over and he could never talk to her again. That elephant just sat in the room and he ignored it as much as he could. In the end, he shook his head and drank some of his cold tea.

"Cold."

"It's been a few hours. Want me..."

"Nah...." He drank it all at once. "I want to see if we can finish this. Ok?"

She looked up and nodded with a smile. "Ok."

He took in a deep breath, let it out and asked, "What do you want to know?"

"Touch."

"Ok.....touch. What about it?"

"Why are you so guarded? What made you this way?"

"......I guess it was you."

"Oh?" She looked surprised.

"Yea.....not in that way. I actually had some time to think about it.You were really good. Trusting. Loving and kind. I got used to that. You never forced and issue or made me swallow things or even made me feel bad. You were just there. You were just there and with this unlimited amount of patience imaginable. I mean, we hung out like thieves for a year or so. Movies, book stores, anywhere we can cause trouble or even play at. And you just wore me down. You just made me feel that you were always going to be there. You made me feel that life was going to be normal. I mean, you always gave me the last smoke and even told me it was bad for me."

"It is you, know."

" And you still gave it to me anyways. Then that one time on the couch just......wow."

And I'm hip to what she'll do

Give her just about a month or two

He was speaking of a moment watching SNL before it went down hill on her couch. They ate their fill and sat on the couch comfortably watching. By the time the news came on she had her head in his lap and he was stroking her hair. She giggled and looked up as he looked towards her and said, "This took a long time." He smile and laugh as she joined in. And like that they were a couple. Their time would be short, but sweet just like the kiss they shared that moment. They kept watching and sharing the warm moment. It was a different calm before the storm. It was a moment when they realize that they would share a bed and Sundays with the paper between them, late night movie runs to remote video stores or to small theaters that had a midnight showing of a flick that was word of mouth and had no help from any social media. It was organic and pure and she knew that he was apprehensive and almost gun shy. In that moment, he asked her what did she mean only to be hushed as it got good, but she would answer him. It wasn't to find a bedmate or a fling, but she wanted something that she valued and knew she would always keep even after it was over and she moved to colder climates not to be seen again.

"I wanted to win your heart, not just you."

She delivers right on time, I can't resist a corny line

But take the shine right off your shoes

"Well, not everyone was like you. You lifted that bar high, but I think that is what done me in. Everyone else was.....settling in a way. So after a while I just tried and well, I realize that if I didn't trust someone it wasn't worth it.I mean, we were great friends and I loved that alot, but not everyone who is a great friend is made to be a lover. There is something missing that just makes things worse. So after a while I just stopped sleeping with friends. You were....different."

"Yea.....you have to be really stable to do that."

"Yea.....well. It's also rare. If anything I tried it a while back and I have to say that it's like finding a diamond inside an opal rare. No one is going to believe you and no one wants to. I think back to it and I realized we were together for ....three years? Most of that time we just hung out. We were friends for most of it and that was not lost. It made us stronger, but you never held me back. I mean I spoke to you about who I was seeing and whatever and you were just supportive and amazing. You let me vent and cheered me up. You understood my crazy and you help me realize it may not be me. Not at that moment, but after some time I realize that you made me feel whole without any motives."

She just smiled and nodded.

Some things, well, I can't refuse

One of them, one of them the bedroom blues

"And you are probably one of the fewest relationships that ever was healthy. I mean, you were great and sadly not everyone out there was just as great. You didn't make me feel you were out for me or that you wanted me in any way outside of making me feel awesome. And that stayed with me. You were no fling. I was not a masturbatory device to get you off. Sex was more than sex. It was this powerful connection. Even moments where we just .....you know...." She smiled bigger. "....it just still safe and warm even then. I mean, I didn't even feel that when I was married."

"Oh come on!"

"Ok......I didn't feel it enough when I was.You made me feel safe. Even when we went on our ways we left in a good way. It was just time and space until we met up again."

"I'll meet you in the middle."

"Yea.....", his mood was changing quickly.

She was on it, "So that just made things worse with others?"

"Yea.....it was just either finding soul mates, fun for the time, people bouncing from person to person, or just short flings masked like relationships. I mean, that and the lying just made me sick. I mean, people are fucking children. You never have a conversation on a real level unless it's to break up. Not even, 'hey I'm having some issues' or anything else. If anything I just played House with them and when snack time was here or someone else was wanting to play, I was out. I was the guy making them feel better about themselves or I was their monkey wrench until they either broke up and I was a band aid or some other guy joined in. I've always been the other guy! I mean, I have been the guy to cheat with. Not even the one to keep, but the one to cheat with. It's .....sickening. I mean one girl just straight out made me feel like whore. Cheap and worthless. I mean I was either there or not. And in the end, she "broke up" with me on social media as if that wasn't insulting enough. That one was the last fucking straw! I just said, 'you know what? I'm already heavy, I feel like I'm worthless and used, and I don't see any way of healing so that I can even be naked with anyone anyways.....why the fuck do I care any more?' That's was the final coffin nail. I mean there is only so much shit you can take."

Bit off more than I can chew

And I knew, yeah, I knew what it was leading to

Silence hung think for a moment. He leaned back and looked up, almost as if he was questioning the gods above in hopes of forcing an end to the silence. He reached up and slid his hands up to his hair only to find it tight and not giving. Too tight for him. He started to pull of the bands that held his braid and quickly, with nimble trained fingers, he loosened the braid and the hair at the scalp. He then dug his finger deep into his scalp and pulled tightly and let out a sigh of relief. He moved his fingers to along his head and repeated tightening and sighing. He did so until the hair fell across his face hiding his red eyes from her sigh. He dropped his hands to his lap and let out another sigh. She tried to speak, but was silenced with a raised hand that turned to a finger motioning for a minute longer. He took in a deep breath and screamed loudly, still looking up through the ceiling.

Let it all come down tonight

Keep those tears hid out of sight, yeah

He continued.

"Your bed was the last bed I've ever slept well in."

"I'm sorry."

"Yea....well.....it's not your fault. It never was. I've made peace with that. I made peace with that when I was making my way out."

"You keep saying that. You keep saying you were on your 'way out'. What do you mean?"

"Not now....I can't talk about it now. I've already talked enough about it. About losing you and not finding anyone even close.....well.....now I know it was never close. But I can't talk about it now."

"When?"

"Soon. I promise. Soon."

"Time and space", she asked.

"Time and space", he responded pulling his hair back into a loose tail to get it out of his face. She let it go. She knew he kept his promises.

Oh, yeah, in the bar you're getting drunk

Oh, yeah, yeah, I ain't in love

"So.....I just drank. Alcohol is a solution or at least it was for those with nothing to lose. I drank and I drank enough to forget. I drank enough to function and to get me through. I've been drinking hard for over 10 years. It's not a good way to end things or a happy one and it's never going to be an after school special, but it helped. I trained my body to hit and be hit and I drank. After a while I could not do it anymore so I started to take painkillers also. Just enough to balance it out. To numb me fully and to make me functional. No one either cared or I made sure to never let them make it an issue. I drank, took painkillers and functioned. Day in and day out. I needed to function. I needed to continue. I needed to survive. I just gave up on things that would hold me back in any ways. I knew that after a while it had to be me. I had to be either a magnet that pulled shit towards me or it was coming from me so I just pulled away from others unless I was needed. Every one love a hero and everyone......every FUCKING one likes a happy ending even though you know tomorrow is a new day and nothing was solved, no work was done to make things change, or serious therapy want taken to make them better. There was a fucking musical number with Disney effects and fucking rainbows and life returned to shit the next day. They never show the nest day, but the next day made everything cheap, worthless and disposable as I felt. Because people don't believe in peace, harmony, and life being made better, just give them a happy ending and a big production to let them know they should just shut up and keep suffering until prince asshole rides up or princess huge tits devotes her life to you. People......people just want to suffer......."

I ain't in luck, oh, no, no, no

Hide the switch and shut the light

"Do you really feel that way?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. I just know that I was stuck in hell and there was not out, despite of whatever I tried. I needed that out. I needed to way of getting out and my choices were just getting thin."

"What did you do?"

"Me? Well, not to give too much to it I decided to leave. I decided that I was finally on my way out, but I didn't want to end it like others did."

"Others?"

"Not now....soon. Promise."

"Ok."

"I wanted to see how far I can get out if I just death marched it. If I just made a run for it. If I forced my way out of Truman's world for the door. How much would the world change and who would get in my fucking way. Like a fantasy of mine I had for years. Making my way out to the airport near the ocean to a leaving plane, but I had to get away.....the world would chase me down, ask me to stop, beg me to stop, people will get sick and hurt, and leave and fall apart and I would just death march it. I would either make it or die trying. And if I would not make it there I would throw the strays I dragged with me and throw them to the exit. As long as someone got out. Someone was getting out and I wanted to show the fucking hypocrisy that kept me, I knew kept me behind. So I did everything to get the fuck out, even to the point where I called people out and told them that I was beyond patient and I didn't know how long I can remain patient. I know that now. When you give up on everything you finally choose how to leave the world can not hold you back. So I bet my life against what was against me. I had nothing to fucking loose."

"And....."

"I won. I got out."

"Good?"

"Yea, but then I realized that I finally got out and it was for what? I was willing to 'walk down the street' and to get to a point in life where there was more hell. I mean, it was as if Truman finally got out of that room and realized that his way out was crossing the Himalayas. Nope, happy endings made things happy. Ignore the man who lived his entire life in a Skinner Box. He's ok! No abuse or trauma to deal with. All resolved and the cartoon ending made it so. Not shit afterwards. All absolves, scapegoat killed, and notes passed to Wailing Wall and done. Instead I finally made it through realizing that that not only took all my fight, but I didn't want to go on. I still had to construct a life and that scared me the most. I wanted not to make it cause then I would be remembered as they guy who died trying and because a Martyr for High Hopes, Disney movie in the works with happy ending included.......fuck....I was on my way out and I actually won. Who was prepared for that, cause I wasn't."

"And?"

He looked over and smiled at her.

"And I end it here."

"But you are so close."

"No.....I'm not. I'm no where close, because I already written how it ends and I knew I was missing this also."

"You're breaking the 4th wall again...."

"Well, that I am and I am going to devastate it in the end too. But for now, I have to finish going. There are things to do and I can't sit here anymore speaking to you."

"Why can't you?"

"I can only ignore the elephant so long before I go mad or I scream at the elephant. You already know that about me."

"Ok. You are coming back to finish this?" As if she needed to ask.

"Promise. I promise I will."

She smile that smile that always haunted him. That smile that he only caught glimpses of in others for a small moments.

Yeah, right off your shoes

Carryin', carryin' the bedroom blues

....

He looked up from the old lap top and sighed heavily. How he missed her.

"Silly creature indeed."

Won't you shut it? Yeah

Let it all come down tonight

Let it loose, let it loose, yeah, yeah

Let it loose, let it all come down