A Progressive Outlook towards a Historically Dreadful Period of Time or I'm not afraid of December

Today is November 30th.

Tomorrow is December 1st.

I have to say it's been longer than a decade since I've not felt any anxiety towards December. It has been a difficult month for me for many reasons. December is when I discover when people in my life have passed or they do pass on in December. For the past three years, I've gotten horribly sick to the point where I begin to spit up blood and usually rush masked to the doctor for fear of TB kicking up. It's kind of rough being a human bomb, but thankfully each time I do see a doctor, go through X-rays and even spit into the tube, I only discover that it's not my lungs bleeding, but my throat, either because the last cold's cough was extremely rough on it hence the bleeding, or that I actually have some nasty bacteria wrecking havoc there.

Fun.

I've always eyed December with a dread of what could go wrong. I've always looked at January as some sort of safe haven and as horribly superstitious as it sounds, I focus on the new year as some sort of safe place to prevent me from losing more of my heath or even causing me an early demise. This year alone was difficult sitting in a chair trying to recuperate to the fears of many of you considering that most people judge my well being on the frequency I post on social media, as we agreed almost a decade ago.  Most of you had to be told to stay away for fear of transferring my illness and I have plenty of people, watching me to make sure I was doing nothing but sleeping and eating what I could.

So, yea ....December has always been horribly difficult. And yet, I'm here once more in front of Starbucks, before work writing this, sipping on Guatemalan Dark coffee with nothing more but thoughts and plans for December.  I have weekend plans with friends and looking forward to fixing things that I had to forgo due to lack of funds.  I'm on a long-term plan to make my life a bit easier and even calculating how soon I can write off my debt and even plans to make life easier. There was once a time when I would look at people walking their dogs on a Saturday and wish I had that experience. For the past three years, I've remedied a solution that was as close as possible to that dream and yet I look forward to a phantom dream of waking up on a Saturday at my own place to a happy German Shepard, Rachel....I'd name her Rachel, and maybe even a pot belly piglet, Franky/Frannie Bacon.

I'd laugh at that and know it was not possible. Then again, now with October changing everything, and yes, I must write about it soon and I'm already putting that into words, yet it honestly gave me the only thing I ever wanted: The Opportunity. If there's anything I hate the most it's stagnation. The past 10 years has been a testament to stagnation. I struggled at a snail pace to graduate to the jeers of many not understanding that I was last of a stubborn group of people who refused to leave until college has become completely unaffordable. The fact that it took me that long to graduate instead of succumbing to just negligent policies is more of a boon rather than a hindrance. Above all, I learned to be patient, prepared, and ready.

Yet throughout the years those traits become dull and rusty when continuing to grind at a snail pace. Goals seem prolonged to reach then distant then intangible. What used to be a plan to advance become a battle for principle. Motivation becomes an obligation and ends up into a monotonous drone that numbs you. If anyone wanted to know how long someone can endure this kind of spirit-breaking torture I'd say it took me a decade. Nights of closing your eyes to waking staring up into ceilings pondering why you should get up again can be grating on anything close to determination. And yet everything seemed to hit a peak of disappointment when December approached and hard question would have to be ignored if only to retain on to hope. Yet when you begin to grasp on hope and faith (firm belief in something for which there is no proof) is the only thing you have left, you know you lost and you don't have any more moves. All you can do is wait.

It's the waiting that does you in.

Yet this year is different.

This year I'm in therapy and I was able to confront issues that I had no idea existed. This year I was able to understand what that nagging feeling was when I believed I was lacking something to prevent people for projecting their weaknesses and limitations onto me. I learned to build boundaries where I can take a step back and negate the advances of people who see me as a scapegoat, a hindrance, a simply excuse to place all of their woes upon. I learned to drop was never my "crazy" and to acknowledge what IS mine and to have the confidence to take it head on and challenge it as it once dominated me.  That was October in an abstract. That was the month I took the word of someone who had no interest, wager, or stake in my life, for good or bad, and actually put myself in the crucible. It's where I learn to benefit from my own traits of endurance, stubbornness, patience, and a drive that I am now understanding has been held down for far too long.

I've discovered new things about myself that I never had to see, as if I was always in a constant blur and I was now seeing for the first time. I realize that the world is not out to get me, despite how much I've prepared to defend against such an attack. And if it even does it's pitiful and even almost not worth the effort. I've learned that I am in a new emotional renaissance where I tasted food for the first time. I was seeing colors and shapes that I always used to pass by and finally see them for what they are. My time of dormant mind has reawakened me to a new hedonistic hunger that I can now indulge in rather than be the ingredient to someone else's need. I realize that there really isn't anything left to hold me back but the phantom of what I was defending myself from everything that held me back. Almost as if an over reaction towards an immunity, my own defenses has imprisoned me from anyone's reach and trapped me in solitude.

And yet, the past two months I learned I am almost immortal or at least in relation to everything that has held me back. It's almost freeing how you can now pinch off something as a stray insect from your shoulder that once held you down and made you struggle to continue. How my immediate reaction towards anyone attempting to "pull one over" is a braying of laughter and a hardy, "nope". How hugging my most delicious of friends is actually comforting now rather than empty. And when I leave my most favorite of companions I do not feel the hollowness of losing their embrace and kindness or even feeling how I drew as much happiness for my own from them in order to make a few paces away only to feel the lingering phantoms of such affection. Now I leave with a bursting heart, as if my love was a damned river bursting through and flooding the once parched landscape. I want to go further in my vagabond way, now knowing there is no tether of obligation holding me back, but a need from others that I can or can not oblige.

I finally have choices, options and advantages rather than tightening a belt, pinching a penny that never existed, and a daunting duty to grind my life away.  As I finish this post on December 1st, I can honestly say that that is now over. If life does get difficult, and oh it will get difficult #TheMostGloriousofDumpsterFires, I know that I can endure, move forward and make the lives of others better also. I'm not dreading what will come because I had overcame the greatest of enemies and it was me. In protecting myself I almost killed myself. I mean, I can't begin to explain to you how much of a challenge I was. And yet, once I challaenged the right places I come to realize that I was holding on to what was killing me.

So I let go........just let it go.....

.....boom.....

......and that's all it took.

Yea, I'm shocked as you are. And sitting today on Dec. 1st I'm not dreading or fearful or having to be proactive to make certain I'm not alone, out of reach, or lacking in any drive as I sprint towards January, but I am hopeful, safe, and even eager to see what will come my way. I feel nothing can pull me down unless I will it so.

So....yea.....I'm good. I'm ok. I'm more than fine.  For the first time in a long time, I am at peace and ready for what life has in store for me. Even if I hit a set back, I'm not going to lose this. I mean once you face yourself and win, is there nothing you can endure?

......right?

Peace and Love.