Shower Epiphany: Self Conscious Work Ethic of the Inadiquate

I've come to realize that my lack of confidence is probably the greatest motivator I have. Mind you, I'm in no way saying it's a good thing or that I'm happy always feeling that I'm not good enough to do certain things, yet after reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers  I've come to realize that there are very few of us with that natural talent of simple being the best at something. Few of us can say, "hey, I'm so and so" and people will swoon. Few of us can actually pick up something and simple be magnificent at it off the bat. Yes, those people are talented and special. And yet there are limiters to them. If they do not have the opportunity to practice, improve, explore and love their work their gift is worthless. You need to put in work in order to expose that greatness. 

So enter me. I know I'm not many things and I have a heavy feeling of not belonging anyways so you would figure that would have me locked up in a room. And yet, I know there is something to me if I put in enough work. I never believed that I was smart enough to go to college until I memorized and can predict the frequency of periodicals, the shipments, the time and who requested them from top of my head. I know it's stupid. I just memorized close to 2000 magazines and newspapers, but the part that dawned at me is that if I put my self at it I was not going to be this virtuoso at publishing, but my hard work would not only keep me competitive, but almost at the peak where I can see these naturally brilliant people. It's stupid, but  I learned how to learn, even if it took me a decade to get it to an art. I think that ability is not giving me an edge in thinking. 

Not strong enough? Hit the pile again. Not fast enough? Run more. Not smart enough? Study two hours more to the 6 I already am studying at. not creative enough? Read and foster that ability. Not healthy enough? Change my habits slowly to ensure permanent and positive change and move gradually. Not kind enough? Look who is and study their ability and thoughts to cultivate that ability. There is nothing I can not do to improve myself if I feel I am not enough.

......yea....maybe that too. 

I'm not one to say I'm handsome or even attractive naturally, but I'm witty and smart and entertaining enough to make anyone forget that. I clean up nicely because I'm not changing myself physically but simply improving the package. I'm understanding, just as  Louis C.K. does, that if I have ever had someone attracted to me it was never physically. It was that I had traits that overlooked them. I can not improve how I look to a certain degree, but I can remain fit and active. I can regulate my weight and muscle mass. I can choose what I want to wear and how I want to look. I have more options that I realize, especially considering that I'm trying to play for the end game. I'm going to be hitting 40 soon and I don't want to hit that steep slope of change that all men struggle with. I don't want to be that old guy who has trouble. I'm just liking how my life is getting so I want to keep it a bit longer. I want to be that old guy who dies on the track. I've already gotten compliments that I don't seem my age and not just from my behavior. I live that. I can not do anything about aging, but getting old is not an option. I already lost years of my life due to sickness and pressure that I will not get back, so why not make life better overall?

Yea, I may be unattractive in my 60's but I'm still going to be running. I'm going to be running away from a cane and wheelchair. I'm going to be lifting, training, working out, and eating well so that nothing stops me from what I want to do. I'm still that kid screaming, "you can't tell me what to do." Why would I let age and wasted ability to take that away from me too? I know I have genes that are going to work against me, why not bring the fight to them?

So.....if I know I'm not good enough and I drive myself to work more at it, earn my 10,000 hours and then some, is it still a bad thing?

That is the question I'm  not pondering. It's like the whole, if Hitler was so evil and spit fire at blind babies could he still pick a flower and hand it to someone out of kindness, sort of crappery that we like to paint things black and white.

So...yea.