I do look menacing, I'm not going to argue that. I do look like someone who can hurt you physically and has more than enough ability to do so quickly and efficiently. It's a byproduct of training more than 25 years at my art to the level of not only understanding how delicate the human body can be, but how simple it is to cause so much harm in a few movements and miscalculated, or worse careless, movements.
The same can be said to words.
What was said to me was that they would have never imagined that I, looking very much a bruiser and menace of many sorts would have a "profound", the only saving grace in the comment, intellect and kind and sensitive nature. Yea.....ouch. It hurts. My response was not to get insulted or to even show the person how painful the statement was. I mean, why correct the oblivious when life can? Instead I simply said, that those of us who think deeply and understand the meaning and value of words usually get crushed in this world. If anything my appearance is merely defensive, as all of my training. When I weighed 129 lbs at 5'10'' I looked as if people can simply blow me away with a puff of air. They didn't understand that what I said I've meant and what I mean is a calculated thought rather than careless words. With my appearance them I was bookish, timid, weak or sweet in kinder words. A fagot, punkass, and a pussy in harsher ones.
My appearance has never matched the power of my words until I began my training once more. Even when I was 50 lbs heavier I carried an awe of dread and dare I say power that caused most people to either give me enough space or simply just continue to ostracize me. Only a few would approach me and discover that Frankenstien's monster have a mind, as abnormal as it would seem. When painfully thin it was a challenge. No one can back up their words simply with meaning and deliberate thought. Anyone who would speak that strongly would only draw challengers who thought of a rebuttal was that I can take you out into the parking lot and beat the shit out of you. Ina nation that values the Second Amendment without realizing that it was placed after the First can not value the power of communication and preservation of an idea that cause re-evolution rather than bloodied cost that is called revolution. Without understanding that true tyranny removes one's voice and creates a vacuum that causes rise to violence, one can not comprehend that words are to be protected, defended as well as cherished and valued greater than bullets. A well placed word can prevent bloodshed as well as cause it and hence must be protected at all cost as well as instill the responsibility of such use and how one's existence can change in the matter of a moment with a words.
The concept is more than frightening and reserved for nightmares and horror movies rather than deep consideration. It is something that frighten us as individuals as we knee jerk it with loudness and empty banter that has only hidden and shallow meaning instead of realizing that such horrors are not only survivable, but livable. Such hells are endured not only in despot nations that new manufactures pump out to bring the ire of a nation that has not idea what life is and isn't to those individuals, but to drive enough frenzy to cause harm out of some twisted mixture of nationalism and small genitalia compensation. Or perhaps a better result in the abject disgust without counter action which, like silence and active ignorance usually defaulted into consent.
No, such acts of horror are common in homes where thoughts are not challenged or examined, but accepted in broad brushstrokes as bad and good without second thought. Second thought and reluctantness would be characterized as deviant, perverse and cast down as cause and reason for punishment that somehow does not equate to justice and liberty if the math is examined closely. Words have been fought over, even when their meanings are unknown. It's been said that slaves read the bible in rebellion simply knowing that the act of reading is punishable to death and yet it would be centuries before the progeny of those slaves would understand the item was not coveted for the message it carried, since it sanctified slavery, but in the act in itself.
Having my own voice taken, or more precisely explained ignorantly rejected, I've come to understand that power of words and meaning. How one changed word can be detrimental to a general message, especially from those who quote mine and wish to create loopholes where there is none to be found. A strong message and well thought idea can change minds instantly and provoke deeper understanding, inspire debate as well as a free circulation of thoughts and examination of what we are and what we wish to be in this short moment we call life. It can convey emotion that lingers or simply free the minds of those who believe themselves islands rather than among others of the like. Communication has been regulated, guarded, censored and held on trial for the greater good and moral upstanding of ideals that are to this day held as unquestionable. We are watched and yet shocked when our watchmen do not hold true to the regiment forced upon us at times. We can not understand that liberty is never stolen but foolishly relinquished.
And yet, there is a price. Imagine how many error you have committed that only a well placed would would have saved. Or the lack of a word would have protected. Or simply remaining silent. That power hold us responsible for what we dare to speak, much more what we mindlessly utter. It's those consequences that we end up in angst and and in our moment of rue that we only wish to return back to that moment and speak differently;. We come to realize that our words often cost us more than we are willing to lose. That we can not afford to harm. We discover that words must be protected for all of our sakes.
And so, I know my mind is never sought unless a moment arises and I leave most dumbfounded and shocked. The monster speaks and yet he speak with eloquence and meaning that has everyone in awe yet not enough to question why. A miserable few do seek me out, yet usually with morbid curiosity or even in mediums such as this one where I am limited and only what I want is passed on. I am filtered into approved morsels and swallowed without further thought. It is very rare to find others like myself and those moments are cherished and enjoyed on the level of last bits that have to suffice as present memory for hard times.
So yes, I am misconstrued not by my own words, but just for the assumption that some ignorance does not escape my mouth as many assume. It is why I choose to remain silent among you and often play into your ignorant assumptions with secret puckish intentions. It's what keeps me from falling into sadness at being misunderstood before my mouth opens.
“...once I falsely hoped to meet the beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities which I was capable of unfolding.”
Oh well......
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