Shower Epiphany: Sympathy for the Recovering Miserable Fuck

To say that I'm in uncharted water would be a bold lie, yet I can't help feeling a bit of anxiety that I'm this happy this long. I'm not saying that I'm not thankful or relieved, but I've lived most of my life under a rain cloud and I'm more used to being miserable than I have been at peace. Ok, maybe miserable with a chance of small joy bursts, but that's it. I'm worried in a way that makes me feel ungrateful that the hammer is going to fall, someone is going to pop out and say that I've had a prank played on me and that this is part of the joke, or even that I'm lying in the gutter somewhere or in a hospital bed drooling from some stroke and not of this is real. I'm a pessimist. I've been raised by a died in the wool pessimist. You don't get pessimists to become optimists over night, but you can crush optimists into pessimist paste over night. So, yes I still have the warm and fuzzies and I do feel that zen like peace of mind that is Oh so delightful, yet I can't help to feel that if I only knew what is making me so happy I can have a bit of control over it.

And there we are. My greatest fear. To have no control over my happiness when I've mastered control over my misery. And that sick part of me would gladly return and be the master of my misery rather than at the whim of fate, statistics, god, dice, or what have you. I am just that fucking jaded. I'm used to people spitting on me and would never dare to question it yet ponder why people are smiling at me and not figure out that I'm the one smiling first.

So much shit to clean up. Like I said, I'm getting there, but I'm in no way there. Please have patience for me. I've just been stomped on that long.

was going to end it here, but that does not feel right......thank you for having patience with me. I'm working on things. I want to make myself a better person. I want to give back what you all have been giving me and more for even trying. I am slow, but I will get there.

I love you too....

.....ok, better.

whatever.