Shower Epiphany: Knowing and Believing

There is a huge difference between knowing and believing. I think I'm starting to feel that now. I know that the one big task that I've been working towards is over. I understand that the morning commutes, late night and 9 hours per day study marathons are over. I know that the pressure of working twice as hard as most people and getting only half the results is something that is over. And for most they would never believe or even understand how difficult it has been to struggle through so much this whole time when you know that you are not only limited in your resources, but when you have to keep something as a priority for so long and in some cases making choices that will come back and hurt you more than it help while understanding that you never really had a choice or say in the matter out side of "quit".

And yet there are things now that I'm beginning to believe that I could not wrap my mind around still. The difference between being on paper and living them. I believe that I have been living for years as an extreme minimalist where any cash I had was "owed" to someone else. Every dollar I made that could have been for my children, family, health, and well being has been a buck I owed to make it past deadlines that only raise the price of a half pound of flesh. That if I knew then what I know I would have allowed myself small moments of respite. I would have taken time for those who have left, have become distant and have passed. I would have spent more time outside with giggling children now too grown to play. I would have taken days to sleep and not worry about what I can or can not do. I would have understood that some moments are meant to be stolen away instead of letting them slip away knowing that I could not have reached for them/ anyways.

There were moments where I nashed my teeth and cried up for some sort of justice. Placed in moments where I had to let go of friends I would never see again. Let go of loves that were prematurely ended for inability to progress and having to learn that my importance to others was only a passing fancy. Making the hard choices and tightening belts until I had to let go of the belt and realizing that you can only sacrifice so much until there is nothing left. 

And yet I've kept my word and promise. 

Does anyone else remember that promise?

I'm thinking no.

And in keeping that promise I've learned so much of human nature. I've learned things about others that in the end they declare noble in one moment yet hypocritically deny in another. I've learned that people will never give you a "hand out" or a "helping hand" until you are so close to the end. That people will want you to thank them for their minimal assistance is straight faced while you wonder where were they when you needed them most.

I've also learned who matter the most and how thankful I am. 

So slowly, like blood returning to a limb, I'm regaining so much of my lost senses. And relearning habits lost and forgotten. Learning to smile and hold that smile without having the muscles fail. I'm napping with sleepy dogs and sitting under shaded trees. Learning that I don't need to jump at a moments notice and allowing myself to drop defenses long enough to realize that I'm exhausted and nothing is going to get to me any more. I'm ending grudges and forgiving those who can't forgive themselves. I'm ending my term as martyr and whipping boy as well as stick, hitman and monkey wrench. 

I'm looking into nomadic motorcycles  pet potbellies, and running down the street of life. I'm looking in the mirror, making silly faces, and being happy burning flies. I'm learning to waste time, do the cookie dance and take deep draws of lazy mornings. And yet, I'm having trouble understanding that this is now. The now I've been working for and have imagine would never be. I'm still wondering if I'm going to wake up to my alarm and have to jump the shower and fight the onslaught of traffic.

So....this is it. And yet so hard to believe. This is my time and no one owns it anymore.

Yea.....I know.