There's no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Sitting in the sunny room he nervously looks off distance while she sits in front of him. Many years his senior and well known to his deceptive mannerisms, she humors him as she allows him to remain distant yet knowing that there is nothing more he wants than to be close as thieves. Warm tea and cookies serve only as a plot device as well as to expose the chink within armor too overwhelming to carry. She know he had done what she called for as he sits uncomfortably and prepared for the outbreak of Secret Wars of long ago, yet still to realize that there is no one left to fight. after some time she leans over and coax he to open up. This time and space is unaffected by the pace of the world, yet as we all know time has unwound here. Time is meaningless with what task is at hand as a long moment of time has become a blink in seconds for our purposes.
She is letting him have it, but this is all in the past. Pleasantries are something they do not bother with as he asked for something he usually administers without holding back. "To cut to the bone", you give a no shitter that is blunt as it is quick. You do not ask for one as hope to be made felt better. She respected him enough to cut deep and quick as he asked and yet, it has been something he still chews on, knowing his eye can tear apart everything and everyone except himself. She does take some relish in repeating it time to time if only to get him engaged, but with each time cookies get a bit fancier and the tea a bit richer, yet she hold no reservations on what was, is, or is going to be said. Bile with triple dutch chocolate chocolate chips.
"I don't think you know how much you struggle since you are honestly deluding yourself. You are a stone terracotta warrior who shows not remorse, nor shows anything but the weathered age you carry with you. You are ancient beyond your years and you envelope yourself within a malice that was never yours. You are a kabuki samurai with a creeping giggle. A paranoid rabbit who fear to let down his guard for being pounced yet you yearn to nibble on what good you find. You are not a cruel person nor have you ever been. Your guilt is evident of that. You carry a sadness of things forced upon you and you flog yourself when ever possible to prevent others from the joy of making you suffer. "
His cold gaze towards the nothingness changed direction towards her in a guilty confession that his eyes could never hide. Almost filled with fear as well as bracing himself to be struck down with an oncoming blow as one fighter would expose and exploit to down his opponent. She continues on.
"You live two lives that can not continue to coexist. You carry an air of rage and fury yet, you kneel down towards small children and become warm and comforting. You carry an aura that has many avoid you in a wide circle yet you draw animals onto you with a gentleness that seem more natural to you than the ugly scowl you hold. Since we have been friends for all these years I demand that I meet this phantom that you hide and remove the ill spirit that haunts you now."
It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
There is something about people who can wield words as some declare expertise on weaponry that has a way of disarming him. He always yearned towards his unused wit that only make some showing when a snide yet sharp remark is to be made. To play with words as some play with actions was the way to draw this phantom, as it seems as his hard gaze suddenly became exhausted and yet yielding a delicate smile that only pass too quickly for quick glances. And with that he took in a breath of air as someone would suckle smoke within and released it as if the weariness of what he carried was not to be endured anymore.
He spoke more of why he was tired and even of a feeling that he held that if he shown some weakness and even compared it to being surrounded by vicious dogs that would leap on to you with a slip or a stumble. That as kind as he is with the errors of others and the folly of those who attempt to hurt him he has either worked so diligently to remove anything that would cause others to find fault or target or to preemptively strike himself down with a fervor that no other can match nor would attempt. His self flogging was his way of punishing himself for his error, human as they may be yet his own humanity is to be self denied at least until those he fear will not bring down any retribution he has already suffered before. His own justice would be demeaning yet motivating to cut out that "weakness", yet within the hands of others that human error would be as sharp as jagged hands in the hands of savage cruelty, always aimed the point where he could not defend himself. While others were schooled in how to learn from mistakes or how errors were simply a work in manifest of the effort made to reach perfect, his errors would time and time again used against him. It was only recently when he was already attacked for "crimes" committed more than a decade ago at an age where most were allowed to discover their age appropriate foolishness.
"I understand more now. You have always been a gentle soul, yet you've realize that the world has a perverse way of tearing gentleness out of others. You have made yourself a target and fodder. You have done things to save yourself from the hell of others while allowing yourself to somewhat punish yourself for not being able to survive as such. You've made yourself the martyr got the inequity of others and banners man for the 'Secret Wars' that you were pulled into that were never your own. You invite the hell within to acknowledged that fact that there is hell. You suffer for the ideal of suffering and you invite the worst of what may be to make sure that if you can endure that pain and still move forward. And yet, you are your own worse enemy, assigning assassins to attack when in fact there way not be any there. In truth, you save others in their need and you have never been saved, have you?"
Welcome to your life
Acting on your best behaviour
Turn your back on mother nature
He looks up this time and his eyes shimmer as hard pressed lips hold back a wave that can never be mistake other than pure disappointment. She waits while the question sits long in the room until he realize that she had released an elephant into the room. She uses his honesty against him in the only way to force him to see what he refuses to admit. It is not enough to allow silence speak it's volumes. HE must be made to say what his mind does not allow him to say. He finally stomachs a response with a cracking voice, he says.....
"The warm jets can be heard, but they never arrive. The Calvary arrives when the onslaught is over and there is nothing to bury but the dead. Shoulders are always looked over only to find no one....no one there. There is no retreat since there is no tomorrow promised. I have to jump first, be vicious and relentless before I get overwhelmed. I have never won. NEVER. I've only lost and lost heavily to the point where I have to readjust what is losing and what is making sure they do not win. I can only force a stalemate if lucky or at least make sure that their victory is tasteless and vile. So no.....no one has or will save me and you can not ever convince me that I will ever be saved because that child has already been lost. I can save others, but I can never be save."
"Tell me why you were not saved?"
"You do not save the expendable or the worthless and I am far aware that I am both."
The breakthrough left him rasped and shaken, yet he continues to sit. Conversation is continued as time is bent and warped once more. A philosophy of worthlessness is shared in which he says that he had learned the nature of many simply by taking on a lowly role or being Machiavellian enough. He is quit tactical, yet his methods would have the general leading the defense and losing the war for the mere thought of "what is right over what is best". His ability to map out the cruelty he has face in the hands of others marveled her. How he declared placing himself in positions that tried the confidence and trust of another only to note that people would make offering to wolves as well as they say good day. Conversations reach upon those he does value and after some insight there is a mutual understanding that the concept of redemption is never a venture that is taken upon one's own shoulder's unless it's their own.
Time moves slowly here as the bend often loops and allows moments to be relived. The understanding is that he has collected a good amount of favors from many who have valued his help and yet while it may be true that it may be easier to reunite shoulder and joint on his own when certain individuals are asked to honor promises made in the past, others have attempted to assist if only move aside. Favors are as valuable as uncashed checks and even their ink is lost with time and scrutiny. He's learned that he value assistance more than promises, yet no one will be willing to assist until you have taken the task to hand for yourself and many times it is completed with help as soon as an end is visible.
No one saves you still, even if you are close to the end. Especially then.
There's a room where the light won't find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I'll be right behind you
And yet, the discussion has reached their experiment. He was questioned over the time apart and if there were any changes. From what was shared, there was hope of change, yet he did drag his heels along, almost as if he did not want to be proven wring. Appealing to his scientific need was a double edged sword in this case since he demanded proof for what he had years already seen, yet he could not deny anything that can be done coldly for science. That coldness is something that he takes too much refuge as a child would take need of a blanket against the horrors of the dark. And yet, it has been the best way to get him to take the chances he refused to. Small chances, such as letting his hair down, hug someone, don't hide his laughing face or even harder tasks such as tell someone he has an attraction, tell someone they mean alot to them, or even take a stupid chance and dance and sing, even if it means drinking enough not to care.
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Say that you'll never never never never need it
One headline why believe it?
One headline why believe it?
Everything was shared. He did not like the risk, yet he was kind of surprised. He felt as if he has somehow emerged from a long nightmare only to feel, for a moment at least, that he was actually human, sweat, blood and bone. He felt the need to be touched and the need to be needed. He enjoyed laughing at his end of anxiety even if he dreaded handing his number or even smiling and keeping eye contact from longer than 3 seconds. He was a creature of shadow and did not appreciate attention even if it meant that he was human with needs. Attention usually brought him more than enough problems and still refused to keep any for of communication that he could not turn off or have some grade of anonymity. It has taken him years and his last experience with mobiles left him sour, especially when few have discovered where he was. In avoidance, he have eluded stalkers and annoyances alike, yet he understood that even if he found the whole process repugnant that his days of seclusion were numbered.
I can't stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
They sipped in silence as he knew what was next. A new task in humiliation or how she described a chance to make human contact. He laughed before yet more than willing to continue. She smiled and said that he had to wrote this moment. He had to write once more, not on his need to numb or to make his pursuit meaningless as so much Naloxone would do, but to admit his "progress" for all to enjoy voyeristically and to exhibition his heart" as torn and tattered as any such organ would be without making any reference to half pound prices (HA, fuck you!) and yet even that much insolence would be addressed soon. even though his act of rebellion would not be considered too much of anything other than "bitch noise".
And yet he knew what response would come naturally afterwards. "What is it that you want? Why are you even listening to me? What do you want to accomplish?"
To her response,
".........I want......another cookie."
"Of course, you ass. Of course. Perfection is a long while away. Until then, we have cookies."
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world
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