Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Ten – I think I’m going Paranoid: Act 4 Part Two

With the mat room converted once again into the upper auditorium for the gym, there weren't many prospects in Judo really. So we sat staring into the vastness of the seats that once held the 1984 Olympic Judo games. I still find the irony of such a moment laughable as we are always inconvenienced by Spring ceremonies, not only losing the mat room, but our dojo, a room where we practiced our tenants of Budo reaching towards an inner peace and purposed that allowed samurai to place duty first, face dangers, and to attain oneness even in the face of death. To say that the room means that much to me is to say very little, but this is not about the room or the meaning or perhaps it is. It has been a sanctuary through times of struggle, pain, confusion, hardships and physical limitations that come with our chosen past time.
In a way, the room has given me an ability to approach a topic that I have been struggling to approach with the measure of confidence that I find intimidating as if trying to lift an unruly weight with no possible hand holds seen. The reasons why I admire the sciences is the mere audacity of attempting to wrangle the unknown into the known in any manner possible, regardless of limitations that are solved in generations in time. I've been trying to get to this point using this series, but I've always imagined that this task needed enough back story and understanding in preventing to mislabel this as something that it is not while trying to understand what it may be. It's as maddening as attempting to find a word's spelling in the dictionary with only a rudimentary idea of how it is written. In truth I could not approach this with what I knew until just yesterday, even though some of you reading faithful are yelling bullshit into the screens, believing me simply lazy instead of trying to deliver some meaning behind my wording. Yet, I digress. I hear Puskin demanding that I continue on and so I will.
She walked into the area we once used to practice only to find it full of stadium seating. She is very much my junior, some one who I would normally keep away knowing that generation gaps make for rocky relationships other that a mild manner acquaintanceship. It is a normal thing for me really. I know I attract young women. I have been all my life, from a young boy with very little to want to do, to my teenaged years attempting to awkwardly woo the older sisters of those often bold girls to me today. I wouldn't mind if it was consistent with my age, now attracting women in their late 20's and early 30's rather than every 20 year old and a flock of teenage girls that I run from like the plague. It's just so uncanny an ability that many have confessed to me that they'd give certain parts of their bodies for this "ability" which would make the point mute. If I was interested in "hitting and quitting", then I would be set and yet, it's not. I'm missing the point.
She entered and being bouncy and bubbly, she made conversation easy and humorous. I rarely find opportunities to use my wit among others and not fully in my martial mind I welcomed it with some playfulness. She asked if we were going to have practice despite me and my comrade being fully dressed for class while sporting shoes. I quickly retorted of course and that her dress was not the right clothing needed. In her response, she lifted her skirt up to show her shorts. And that was my acid test.
It's not that didn't enjoy the view or that she wasn't attractive. She's very attractive with her dark hair over her shoulders and her petite form. Or that her legs were not beautiful or that her slim belly did not offer enough possibilities. She was gorgeous really. If I was 15 years younger I would have focused on her and would have wooed my way into her bed just on principle alone. What had me was the moment. If I was the fly on the wall I can tell that my companion's eyes would have at least bulged a bit if not due to the viewing, but for the fact that a woman has lifted her skirt in our direction. Place yourself in our shoes. If a beautiful woman lifted her skirt in your direction to show off that she was wearing small shorts your interest would at least be high simply because most women do not do that. Anything else of interest will range from yummy to wow given that you are attracted to petite women with creamy skin and dark hair to their shoulders.
Ah……my early twenties. But I'm jumping the gun.
I simply took a long look as one would take a long drag from a smoke when you honestly need it, the kind of drag that reminded you how carnal you can be and are. I looked at the skirt lift up and then down in a matter of a few seconds. I was in the moment and then it hit me. I tilted my head back looked up and exhaled that long drag that I never took and exclaimed to the heavens,

"I can't believe I am finally at the point that when a woman lifts her skirt in my direction it doesn't faze me".

You can look but you can't touch

Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me 

We shared a few laughs and even went into the whole idea of a "Judoka's Shame", something which judo practitioners are used to stripping in public spaces to their skivvies while changing into their uniforms. Doesn't matter where, when, or who. You will strip down to nothing and wonder "what" when you get the awkward stares. I remember one friend stripped out of his shorts with three other people holding up towels to hide his nudity so that he can meet the weight requirement for his class. And yet, that wasn't what was on my mind. This hit the tip of the iceberg of what has been running through my head for the past few weeks. The elephant in my mind that has not only had my attention, but had overstayed it's welcome. I've been trying to find a way in and yet I could not find an exit plan that allowed me to walk in and handle it as well as I wanted to, much less a way of getting me to see what roots mattered.
Before this bit of impromptu burlesque, I didn't have an idea of what it was. So naturally I just went down to the usual suspects and tried to see what stuck and what was a stretch. To try and attempt to explain to you what I felt was harder than thought since I didn't understand what I had an issue with. It was a mixture of thoughts and feelings before being injured and now. It's the entire coin and actually seeing if the grass is greener. It's finally going through the entire cycle and realizing that you are missing something. After all that time and experience you come to realize that you not only lack certain abilities, traits, skills, and tactics, but somehow you've existed without this knowledge. It's like playing an arcade race car game and only realizing that once you're done that there was a brake peddle there. No matter how well you may have done or how functional you may think you are/were/was/is you have a strong feeling that you didn't do things right. That there are life lessons that you've skipped and have not learned until you finally realize it. It's the feeling that you are this skinny 14 year old and you are trying to figure out how the to kiss someone without knowing that somehow you tilt your head to the side. That awkward moment of realizing that I do not know what the hell I am doing and I need to do something now because……I don't know!

Bend me break me
Breaking down is easy

It's that feeling that has been haunting me for the past few weeks.
I think it's something that every one should experience and feel at least once. My father put it that everyone should learn to be hungry, poor, or unimportant at least once in their life in order to understand how others behaved. I've always taken this to heart since I'm already the kind of person who has to walk a mile in your shoes. I know there are certain experiences that I'm just going to be exempt from due to age, gender and race and such, but there is always overlapping experiences. It's that common denominator of being made the remainder; the unwanted piece that unimportant member of society that everyone looks over. Sadly, many of those who have felt this way have never realized how much sway they hold. So taken a page from my old man's book, I've always sought to do that crap job. That one unthanked job that everyone overlooks and avoids until the shit hits the fan and suddenly people realize that they do not want shit on their fans.
And so instead of resisting a role I've taken it to heart. Every bit of hell that my injury handed me I took to heart. The weight gain, the lack of mobility, the snide remarks, the slings and arrows of people who rather not look upon you. The polite chatter of the "good old days". To say that I lived ugly is saying very little. It's easy when people you have known see you again and their attitudes change towards you. It's even a bit harsh when you start to wonder how others see you and how their own views and fears come out and manifest on to you. With my ego already at an all time low, it's easy for me to ignore certain rituals and ceremonies that most people under go to simply attract others, if not prevent repulsing them. If I was going to be Ugly, then I'm going to be Ugly. Ugly save you time in clothing choices. I was not going to hide my weight, my attitude or the fact that I already felt enough of an Outcast. If I'm not part of the club, group, click, and the gang then there isn't much use to me. If my entire being can be summed up as never being "A", but as being "Not A" then fuck it. I'm not one to sugar coat anything or to make light of any situation that has meaning. If I'm not part of the group simply because I don't fit into parameters and those parameters attempt to define me as what I seem instead of who I am, then I rather not try.

I think I'm paranoid, too complicated

There is a reason why I love the grunge look. It's simple to pull off and I don't have to pull out any of the fucks I don't give anyways. I wanted to prove the point and to see if it was true or not. If I am worth more to others than my appearance then I should be valuable anyways. I wanted to see all those crushes from before. I wanted to see if the weight of my words were lacking or if people would overlook them. I wanted to see if I was the same to others as I was before. And to say that I have found that the power of the human soul, the loving heart, the golden rule and all that bullshit shit actually panned out I'd be lying to you. People are shallow motherfuckers. They judge others on appearance and by quick judgment. The scale that the Egyptian God of the Afterlife which is said to measure the acts of the human heart is not only unneeded today, but it's not worth even attempting it. Send all the fuckers down the River Styx and fuck 'em.
I'll be honest with you; this did have a serious effect on me. I'm antisocial enough, but being ostracized is like tossing me into my brier patch. I could not get up and go on with my day without knowing that I am not part of the group. I've tried being normal if only to stop having people stare at me as some sort of exhibit. I know I stand out. I know I speak and I stand out. I am quite aware that just breathing is going to put me in another category of "Not A". It's one thing to say you're going to wear it as a badge of honor, but in truth we are social creatures and not everyone can take that kind of ostracizing without it affecting you. It does change you and if you do not have others to pull you out of it you will change and you will become "Not A". To say that I haven't become more jaded as a human being would be a lie.
Yet, if there is anything about me that you should it is that I love proving people wrong. Pulling what I've learned in the matter for four months I'm going to be close to the point I was when I became injured. In four months more I'll set the bar higher than it ever was, but what I'm trying to get to has nothing to do with my success. Yet I will say this, knowing two sides of the coins have made me more compassionate and kinder to others. It has allowed me not only to see people as who they are, which I always had the ability to, but it has allowed me to have that bond with others. That connection that gives my words a heavier heft that is able to be felt with others. I understand the knee pains and the sly talk on the side. I know how it is that people want to "help you" by ridicule and mockery. If they had only walked a mile in those shoes they would know that not all beauty shines.
What gets me is this. I've been both sides of the coin, that being fit and heavy and working my way to fit again. I've had people hit on me, ignore me and hit on me once again and I have to say there is a huge difference and I'm now trying to grab hold of this thing that have been bothering me for the longest time, trying to make it tangible. I know that before I attracted others physically and verbally. When hurt all I had was my ability to attract others verbally. Now it's back to physically and verbally. There is a difference between the two. In one situation I'm not only talking a lot more, but it takes a while lot of time. It takes a whole lot of time and I grow on people to the point that they know who I am and why I matter. Physically it's unbelievable because I don't have to say much. In fact, I don't say anything and it usually demands that I physically do something. The same thing I've done before but now there is some sort of attraction. With that attraction, women do some odd and funny things to get my attention. With out it, I'm a "nice guy". With it I'm the guy holding the girl cause her boyfriend dumped her and then I'm being molested all of a sudden. Without it I'm just that nice guy who makes them feel better before the guy they're going to jump gets here. With it, I'm the guy they're making out with because it just happened and they could not believe it and it just have to be some sort of sign. Without it, I'm the guy they regret making out with: A mistake. Someone they regret kissing or even someone who took advantage of their weak moment.
That's the one that gets me. Someone who took advantage of a poor girl when all she wanted was a "big brother" to hold on to. Now mind you, those of you who may know something about me know that I've been working with a friend in their women self defense class for close to 10 years now. That class has had a huge impact on me. Besides understanding all the difficulties of gender biased society, rape culture, and such I am more than careful in my actions around women. I'm so involved in it that I honestly have not desire to even explain it. I'm tired of even having to explain that the audacity that there is some sort of presumption that as a man I have no will to turn down a woman's drunken advances or even know that consent is needed if only to make sure that I am legally safe from being accused of rape. I'm not even touching the insult that I'm a dog in nature and some skin will just drive me to bone anything there. But knowing that a girl is drinking on purpose to have that space to play that whole "oh my, I'm uninhibited" as some sort of a come on when I know that she's may just be playing a game, stupid one mind you, but even if it was a game I'm going to have to behave myself and watch my drinking and also walk away. Just walk away. If pounced and yes, it has happened, I'm simply going to say that if they're serious on this endeavor and if they want to see what may be, then they can call me when they're sober.
So yes, I have in many ways walked away from a "sure thing". Do I kick myself in the ass because of it? Hell yes. Is it the right thing to do? Yes. I just figure if I'm "worth the trouble" then there should be no problem. Sadly, I've learned that 50 lbs heavy I'm not worth the trouble, even from someone I've loved.
….
Yea, that "relationship" really did a number on me. I honestly think that really fucked over my ego something fierce. Without giving many details imagine a friendship that makes you question your actions and motives. There is always that one friend that you are attracted to. The reasons may be many, but the chances are good that you have a friend that you at one time or another have entertained ideas about only to shake your head loose of them and laugh at the prospects. Well in my situation this friendship has blurred lines. Not the kind that you end up in bed multiple times telling each other that that was just a spur of the moment, but having the "talks" that is usually attributed to "where are we going with this" and yet there is no physical connection nor any promise of it. Just a conversation that I'm trying to make something that isn not supposed to be. Being lectured that I'm getting close to someone is one thing. It's that kind of mood breaker that I usually women use to place that fence in from of a person with labels such as "a big brother", "my closest fiend", or even my personal favorite "why can't more guys be __________ like you". That one is always like a freight train. That whole you are every thing I look for a guy, but not you. So I'm going to date some other guy that is only going to treat me shitty. Those I can handle. When ever I'm placed in that position I simply listen as intently and as comforting as possible while ensuring that I'm never used as a person's monkey wrench again. It's one thing to comfort a friend. It's another thing to enable someone to the point that they screw themselves over and over again and to treat you as a scapegoat relinquishing their responsibility.
No, this was more of a situation where you are getting lectured for "manipulating" a friendship into something more, accused blurring the lines of friendship. Being someone who is ready to question my own actions first, checking my actions and my motives, I take that to heart. Mind you, I'm not one to do such a thing, but just the idea of not knowing that I may be guilty is more than enough to fuck me over. Not only to I rethink everything I say to the point that I make sure I do not make a mistake or give the wrong intention, but I often rethink my words or conversations in case I could have phrased something simpler or a bit more eloquent. Shoot, the whole purpose of writing is to clear my head of the thoughts and to tear them apart to give me a few days of empty headed peace and solitude.

If I should fail, if I should fold 
I nailed my faith to the sticking pole

And yet, if you tell me that I'm pulling someone closer to me, trying to connect with them on a different level that what is and that is unwelcomed I'm the first person to shut everything down immediately. I'm the person who would speak slowly and say things without any innuendo and hint of any hidden motive if I think that tact is what is needed. So to be lectured over how I should distance myself this way or we will not hang out only to find out that I'm not the only one pulling is just fucked up. To see that those cozy moments are of someone else pulling, even after me pulling away is a killer. I am in no way going to say I'm a saint. I've done way too much in my life time to even entertain that notion. Yet the fact that I had to corner this person and point out that we are both pulling for something to happen only to realize that I'm basically intellectually cornering someone to prove to them that I'm attracting them as they are attracting me. This is not only insulting, but it's a huge kick in the ego for me. I don't have much of an ego. I am never going to be the one who declared my greatness even if it's scientifically proven. Even if it's certified I'm not going to say I'm magnificent. I have issues telling others that I'm ok. That is a huge kick. It doesn't make me feel that I am seducing someone to the point they have no idea, as one friend offered, but I feel that I'm not worth the trouble. I'm a guilty pleasure that if spotlighted or "outted" to the general public there would be excuses of rehab, now finding Jesus, and that this was exhaustion. And that is without the weight.

I don't think I like you much 
Heaven knows what a girl can do
Bend me break me
Anyway you need me

So, to say that my ego is in the gutter and that is as low as it gets, just trust me on this. I don't think of myself as who I am or what I stand for, but more as what I can do or what I have to offer to others. If given a compliment that has anything to do with my looks I will simply ignore it. Everything else is connected to what I can do. You are strong becomes I'm able to move things. You are smart equates to I can figure things out for you. You are kind usually means that I will listen to what ails you and try to help you find reason. I do not see myself as someone who has anything to offer because I do not see myself as person of value, but as an item. A tool. Something that can do something and in a way I'm ok with it. It cuts the crap out of human interaction. It takes out the small worthless civilities and helps me prove that the majority of the people who have an interest in you are thinking of what you can do for them. Even the women who are flirting with me now are seeking an image of their own construction. They're attracted to an idea that Guy de Maupassant often plays with when trying to define love as the hungry would define the body of a roasted chicken torn asunder.
Yea, I love Guy de Maupassant's work. That should say a lot.
So to say that I'm a bit disillusioned with this new attention is not saying much. In truth, I haven't changed much since the injury outside of proving some hunches I have regarding human behavior to be true. Then again I am a bit jaded for my own good. So much so that I've had a few people pull me aside to let me know that my scowl has gotten a bit too heavy. And I have much to admit that walking around in such a mood is a bit heavy for my own brow. I've come to the point in my life that I am abandoning old grudges and bad blood for a lighter existence even if to only gather new grudges. Going through so much crap can make some to develop thick skin as an evolutionary defense. And yet it can honestly weigh you down, limiting your range and making your embittered. I'm alright being a bit jaded, but when that experience define you and affect your outlook in life where you can not rationally see what is and what isn't then what good is that? I recognize that I am rough around the edges, but I am rather not close myself to all of humanity, much less admit that something beat me. That something drove me to the edge to seal me off from the world.
And with that, I'm trying to make myself nice or at least somewhat socially the equivalent to it. I've actually spent time in front of a mirror smiling and giving the muscles of my mouth a workout. I'm shaving more than once a week and even caring how I look. It is an ego boost that my clothes have gotten looser and my running has increased. I'm returning to the point where I left off and I even see my chances to get stronger possible. I've measured body fat percentage, running times for set distances and body measurements as markers of progress. I've made strides in diet and nutrition that has improved my health and outlook. I've rehabbed my shoulder and pushed myself past plateaus with what I learned in classes and laboratories. I've filled notebooks with workouts and drills to help anyone and everyone.
….
And then, I stopped. That is when that weight of it hits me. That is when I start feeling the weight of it all; the feeling that there is something missing and that I'm somehow doing something that I can not define or understand something without form that I can not understand.
After some time I come to realize it has to do with something with me attracting others. How to be attractive? Well that's not difficult. All I have to do is……I need to…..I must. Boom. That was it. The elephant in the room finally has shape. How do I attract someone? What is it that I do to get someone's attention? I sat down staring out trying to find the parameters of the question as I would for any other mathematical problem. I double checked and asked my three questions and I ensured that I was going to ACTIVELY attract someone of the opposite sex with the given outliers and flukes. Clearly there are two starting categories that start out as active and inactive. Inactive is basically those lucky individuals who won genetics and are able to say, "Hi, I'm George Cloony" and there is much yard waiting on milkshakes and as I said before that I'm not one of those individuals. Not to mention that inactive also includes people who are attracted to you simply because of their own manufactured idea. You are going to be attractive to someone simply because you fit an ideal and you may or may not be aware of or even for. So over all I'm not going to worry about it. I attract those who I attract.
Starting with diagrams and flow charts I've attempted to give my mind a bit more enthalpy then entropy. I wanted actually understand what someone would do to attract other people. What part were social mannerisms over actually traits. What traits were needed and desired? What can be socially faked versus sincerity? So if we had two individuals with the same grade of appreciated physical attractiveness one with all the traits that is desired and the other assuming the traits, who would attract more? Out of it all, there are things you can do to not repel others, that being basic hygiene at minimum to primping and even metrosexualization. Apparel runs the same range from simply wearing clean clothing to tailored clothing with airs of wealth. Interaction ranges between pleasant and polite to incredible witty and though provoking. And yet, if I was compared from six years ago, three years ago and now I would say that there isn't much of a difference in my behavior in general. Sure I'm a bit pessimistic at times now but I would say that I'm more compassionate now then I was before. Three years ago I may have felt a bit more ostracized, but I have always felt the same, this time my weight being a factor than my refusal to bend towards a generalized identity. Then again, I really didn't have much to grow from 6 years ago since I've always had self image issues since I was 19 at 123 lbs recovering from a bout with TB except instead of looking chubby or fat I looked deathly anorexic.
In fact, I'm quite used to being made fun of by my appearance. I can say in my lifetime, I may have felt attractive at least five times and all of them a social setting such as festivities or the such. I know how to clean up nicely as well as how to use my looks to make a sale. I know well that women judge you by your shoes as a man will judge you by your physical being. That no one wants to have someone looking as if they're starving to death working in a restaurant. Any male as a babysitter. Someone who looks like a 90 lbs weakling protecting your life. Or even someone who looks completely different from you speaking to them at the door. If I ever made a sale it has been than I was over knowledgeable or pity. If I had anyone ever lust after me it has never been because I was physically attractive, but kind, patient, loving, understanding and compassionate and usually that is seen in reference to someone not valuing these traits verses why are you in that relationship. I have never wooed anyone with my physical being nor do I even recall doing so. Even now I know I marveled people, but I've always attributed it with hours of work, days of training, and almost always trying to prove that I am the exception rather than the rule. So to say that I am quite confident in doing what anyone with the right selective phenotype can do with no effort and simply showing up is saying a lot.

Maim me, tame me, you can never change me

In fact, I know that I am never going to be an individual who can walk in somewhere and leave with someone. I'm not that confident nor do I believe I have that ability. I know I can sell you anything, but that is with confident knowledge. I know I can be attractive enough to warrant another meeting, but that is with great effort and I have to care to actually "sell myself". I think at this point of my life I am tired of selling myself. I have been selling myself for the majority of my lifetime, trying to prove that their choice in me, and what I mean me is my ability and confidence to accomplish any goal set often times having to work double to compensate for the way I look, is not a foolish endeavor much less a waste of time. I am entertaining. I am humorous and inquisitive and playful in thought and in meaning. I can have a conversation that not only satisfy and entertains, but I have had moments where women have to somehow shoehorn their significant others into the conversation in what I can only wonder is a guilt reflex. I can play the role of fool, ring leader, and comic. I have a strong sense of innuendo, sarcasm, and wit as vulgar as it is dry. I can leave people gasping in anticipation as well as gasping for breath from so much laughter. I can say more than anything I've developed enough skill to keep someone happy for an hour being them one or eighty.

Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me

And even with that much I know that all that routine and ceremony is for naught. That even with that much work someone with a fraction of the depth and thought can walk in and pull the attention away simply due to looks. That someone who is physically attractive is able to do and offer less and do just as well or better. And I think that is what is bothering me. That somehow I'm able to attract others in the same manner when I have never been able to somehow feels not only a rip off, but it's in every way unnecessary to me. Sure, I've raced that car down that speedway and in the end I noticed that I never used the brake, but at the same time I never took it seriously. I never really put enough "weight" behind the effort. I know that I'm echoing the frustration of many men and even women in this, but if placed in a foot race with those who have it easier than me why would I even try? What do I have to gain by investing so much effort that I am in no way of winning? It's one thing to prove a point or to show up people who have considered you not a threat, but to go into odds that in now way will aid you but is already against you?
Fuck that.
And so, I arrive at full circle once more. Why do I have to attract others? Why can I simply not be an asshole like I have all my life? I'm already feed and care for strays, help those who can not in any way benefit me, and do random and silent acts of kindness. Why do I have to change for this? Living my life alone? I've been along the majority of my life and it still hasn't killed me. Have others think better of me? I never cared before and I still have to wonder why I care now. I want to get laid? I get laid decently now and even so I'm just not willing to jump through any more hoops much less those on fire. If anything I've discovered with these moments of reflection and exploration I've discovered that I like me more. That even though I feel like the most ragged and ugly thing in the world I'm ok with that. I like me. I am happy with living alone given to some moment of socialization. I've even worked though some rough patches that have me understanding my motives and actions more now than even. And yes, there are some moments that I will never understand. Moments that to this day are going to continue to confuse me even with closure from others and even then the importance is lost on them on why this would be important to me. I'm not changing myself for now one. I'm who I am because I've endured this long and made choices that I hold myself responsible for, regardless of the outcome or the cost. I like that I don't have to censor myself for anyone. That I speak my mind and am more than willing to endure error and reflect how I can make myself a better person. I have cleaned out my mind of childhood fears and worries and endured those moments of terror, taking my life and sanity in hand to prove a point that nothing is under my bed and the only monsters in the dark are the ones I've created.
Will I be lonely? Sure. Will there be moments that I feel that no one on this planet will understand me? Yea. So what? I've lived my life with ups and downs. Why must I continue to prove myself? Is my legend not bigger than me already? Have I not already proved that I will never have "good old days" but tomorrows? What else do I have to do to prove to others/you/me/filler people that I refuse to be defined and categorized? That change will always fuel my movements and drive me to challenge bigger things? That I was taught at a young age to fight what is bigger than you with the resolve of not winning, but to hurting it as much as it can hurt you, to bring it down to it's knees and wounding it and stealing all sweetness of anything that can be called your defeat? Men sharpen men as steel sharpen steel, leaving those who break to be reforged stronger only if they will it. My life is not easy and I would die of boredom if it becomes so. That as a child of chaos and random event, I can appreciate opposition worthy of forcing me to greater heights and disgust of anything less than my time; I simply refuse to hide or change my mind simply because something looks "hard".
That's the bitch excuse and I'm not one to entertain bitches.
And here I finally arrive at my answer. I'm not gong to entertain anyone who isn't willing to put some effort. I may be "pretty" to others and somehow attract them to me for some reason or another, but I not here to make anyone happy. I'm here for one reason and that is motivating me. Anything else is just empty to me. I've already spent enough of my time proving to myself that I'm a decent human being. I'm not going to play nice at court to humor others. I'd just rather stay ugly no matter how others may object.