Love's Naloxone Or Taking the Anti-love pill. Part Eight – Never Get Old: Act 3

I've taken some time off from writing here when my last post had crept up on me and forced me to see things a little clearer than I am usually used to. It's amazing what the right questions can unearth when you are used to the same answers. I'm jumping ahead of myself and I'm attempting to find the right method of communication to convey the right message when I've come to realize that there isn't a right way of saying any of it. Being someone who can not stand to ignore the elephant in the room I can not help to simply cut to the bone and simply tackle this head on. The only problem with that is that it does not make for good reading or an entertaining story to share and above all I know I am here to entertain with my tales of oddity and confusion that somehow caused me to gain some popularity in corner of the world that I'd like to apologize to. And yet, I have to say that I've come to the heart of the matter.

Taking a moment of time actually thinking about those I've been involved with I've come to realize that the best word to define the majority of my relations is that itself: involved. I've "done the math" in parts and I've sat down and actually started off with my first school boy crush to the last time I was entangled with someone and I could not find a connecting theme. They were all too different. Some were very conservative and others were very liberal. Some believed in the sanctity of us while others seen me as more of a diversion until something better have cam along. Some were sexually innocent and other took more liberties than I'm willing to admit. Some liked me, other were annoyed with me and a small group loved something that reminded them of someone else or a concept in their head that I would have played to. Some showed me off, others hid my existence and a smaller piece of the crowd. And as much as I tried to imagine them in the same room and time I could not think about what factor these women would be together. I could not see the common thread that would make them similar in any ways other side being women and having dated me.
And with that, it hit me. I am the X factor. I am the reason they would be together in the same room. They would be in the same room because of me. That simply led to an avalanche and a panic attack. Have you ever had one? That is some scary shit, yo (had to say it). These women, sitting in the same room discussion me. Some with major gripes about how much of a disappointment I was. Others who have been looking for me for a long time and exasperated a search that usually ends up with phone calls calling me an ass and why didn't I give "us" a chance "again". The thought frightened me. I ended with my head between my knees, remembering only what tv have said to do and waiting for someone to slap me and call me hysterical.

I'm screaming that I'm gonna be living on till the end of time
Forever
The sky splits open to a dull red skull
My head hangs low 'cause it's all over now

Ok, maybe it wasn't as bad as that, but it was a pretty scary concept. I started to take in the idea that perhaps it was all me since there was no common factor among them. I had to being to understand that perhaps I was setting myself up for failure. Mayhaps it was me all along. Through that week I've come to understand several things, I'm still not sure if they're positive or negative and how deep the rabbit hole goes. I'm not one to shy away trying to understand where my most primal fears, desires, and actions come from, but as of now I'm playing with one theory that somehow still rings true. I'm still not certain as of yet, but I think if I placed them down here I should be able to see them for what they may or may not be. So with no preference or importance I'm going to just put them down and just see what clicks.

I think about this and I think about personal history
Better take care

1. I'm attracted to intelligence. If I can learn something from anyone then I'm happy. I understand that this comes from my days when I knew I wasn't very bright and any kind word of inspiration usually opens a door with me.
2. Despite the fact that I have a "type" of woman I'm usually attracted to, I am in now way restrained to that concept. I've dated every shape, complexion, color, weight, size, and philosophy. There are women who in no way match my ideal and even now I can not say that any woman has ever come close. Intelligence? Ok. Size 0, small cleavage, and perfect teeth? Sure. My tastes really change with the persons I'm involved. I can usually find something about them that physically arouses me.
3. In a relationship, I become a different person. I become agreeable, overtly kind, soft spoken, and pleasant. I usually take on the mannerisms of who I am dating at a gradual rate. My level of sarcasm and pessimism quickly become diminished and I have a strong tendency to smile at random people. For those who have seen me at this state, you can vouch that this is not me and it can be quite sickening. Usually takes me two weeks after a break up to get my edge back. No matter how much I try to retain my person I always end up losing myself and take 6 months to get back to normal.
4. I have never been in a relationship that I have perused. The majority of the relationships that I've been in have always been in the form of long term friendships that ended up with either a fast moment of physical contact that had left me wondering what happened or slow and well placed innuendos that still lead up to physical moments, but not in any way a surprise. Although some of these moments, have ended up with questions hours afterwards there is a small amount of occasions that have resulted in odd behavior that no normal woman would have arrived upon if not for the aid of Cosmo or some hokey internet idiot who think they understand men through rough generalizations, especially in any group that for some horrible reason is to believe that pain or negative physical attention is needed to "awaken carnal desires from those who are adapt to pain". For the record, I may spar and take part in tournament or even an occasion ruled fight, but I have never or will be sexually aroused by a women hitting me or busting my lip.
5. I'm attracted to readers. It does not matter the material as long as it is in book form, over 200 pages and not illustration heavy. Although I'm quite taken with the occasional graphic novel.
6. For the majority of women I have come into contact with there comes a time after two years where I am not needed any more. The usual end is that there is someone else, I was the other person, or I am someone that they can not take home to meet the parents with. Other reasons given is that since my views of marriage is negative in some degree that I could never be in a long term relationship or that I am incapable of changing my mind on my stance. Newer reasons have arrive due to my new anti-theist views although they simply replace my older views on why I am not one to get up for 6am mass or that I am not one to be seen in any house of worship.
7. In most cases, the break ups are usually done on the sly and majority of detail are avoided "for my benefit". Usually they arise later on with enough hind sight usually with an argument of how I was wrong for them, held them back in some way, or that they have attained some Oprah-esc awakening in which that they do not need a man in their life. This is usually done with a open forum of my faults as a human being, any dirty laundry that I have or have not (figure that one out, I'm still trying), and the usual double speak from "friends" who seem to have an deeper understanding than I ever have/had.
8. In at least half of the relationships I have had, a good amount want to come back into my life. Some want to return to a romantic base while others have realize through more of a special understanding, usually after much sleeping around (don't know why), that I somehow complete them as a human being and that their immaturity in their behavior has cause them to toss me aside in a negative way. It seems from this group that I am an amazing close friend who is loving, caring, sensitive, understanding, supportive and endearing, but not good enough to have that risk of combining chromosomes. Want our relationship back, just don't want to have all that pesky sex.
9. Those negated any contact with myself usually become…..berating and aggressive in communications in public and private forums and usually leave messages to convey their feelings toward our situations and their attempt, in some way not a good try, to start a dialogue. This has been remedied by cutting all possible contact via electronic devices and a small and close Inner Circle of companions who know I need a good amount of degree of separation in order to attempt some normalcy in lifestyle.
10. I am still to have to cheat on a partner. I have never cheated or betrayed any form of intimacy although it has been assumed that I had the potential and therefore the cause to return the act even though I have never done so. If there comes a moment where I am not happy with the relationship I will sit down and have a rational and open discussion on how to improve the relationship with the case of a break up as the extreme result. Being the other guy in some cases is the only way I have ever committed an infidelity usually combined with a brisk "leaving".

There is one more that kind of hit me. One more that slowly crept into mind that made me question myself. The kind of thought that most rational people ignore is only to maintain some sort of function in their lives while I am always the one who chases the horror into its dark lair knowing full well that I may not want to see it and yet willing to go down in a broken heap with some attempt to swing back at the dread that crept over me. Feel free to end this here and we can call this a humor post. I'll even say, "Women, just some crazy bitches", if you like and we can just laugh to ourselves and make polite talk from on without any question to our inner motive. I'm going in and I'm going to tear out what makes me ME even if what I tear out will kill me in the end. I'm not above carefully walking down the street staring at my primordial terrors that dwell in me. You'd be surprise what you'd do when the principle holds more value than your life.
So let's say farewell to those who just want a silly, stupid post and ha ha and all that.

 

 
Ok, don't say I didn't warn you.

 

 

 

 

1. Our common thread in most of these individuals and me is that we end up disliking me. It has taken me this long to admit it, but I honestly have a dislike toward who I am. I attribute it to a "survivors cost" to living through some of the most difficult moments in my life and in the lives of others. A price in truth I hold no value to my life and if given a simple reason on why I should die so that dust bunnies can have brunch I'd quickly take the opportunity to do so, quick and tidy with not fuss or muss to those around me. Having this hatred of myself had in many ways push me through not just living, but simply taking another step in life. There have been moments in my life that I have prayed, begged, pleaded and cried out for some understanding. I value my life not as someone who has substance and value, but as a tool and opportunity for someone else to make their lives a bit more manageable. I think I've always felt this and in many ways those I've shared a bed have cont to a point that you don't start lives with "disposable people", but with someone who will help pay a mortgage and tell you your butt looks nice in those jeans and not fat.

 
It's something that I struggle with daily. I can say that those around me may or may not know. To say that I'm suicidal is not saying much because I don't have a reason to pass on. I just don't have much of a reason to do anything beyond existing, much less planning a life. And so, understanding that I can be a anchor at times I try to limit my time with others because I'm one who has to introduce positive energy to a high degree which leaves me drained and empty. I've learned much in life that I can not pursue things that keep me alive and know that I have an addictive personality. I am not one to pull down anyone else and have my moments of being alone so that I can go outside and mimic being a functional human being.

I am going to say that have done much to improve my existence. I have recognized that I do have a right to be happy and my outlook does allow me to enjoy fallen fruit and mishaps let me reach for the low hanging fruit with some shameful confidence. A week ago I was given a chance to live a dream which some would call a nightmare. To live alone with a dog near a beautiful ocean. A little as this seems and as small at it is, it is the challenge that I sought and wondered if I can attain. Just knowing that someone depends on me again in a simple for of food, walk, belly rubs and nap times is all that I need. The time alone has allowed me to come to grips with some self hatred and self worth issues that I can not deal with normally since I'm in demand for some favor or another.

And there's never gonna be enough money
And there's never gonna be enough drugs
And I'm never ever gonna get old
There's never gonna be enough bullets
There's never gonna be enough sex
And I'm never ever gonna get old

To be honest, my biggest goal has been to attain a point of life where I am not needed and I will not leave others in a negative draw back. Taking your own life is already burdensome, but adding debt, unanswered questions, and doing it abruptly will only continue on with suffering that others will take on in your absence. I've been pondering a way out for some time, trying to think how I can resolve the conflict of taking such a selfish act without being a bother. Even in trying to figure out how I'm going to cause my demise I'm still thinking of others. I think I find this funny. In fact I fine it hilarious for the first time. If I can go through this much trouble to end my life and not try to at least make it somewhat livable just makes me think that I'll turn out to be someone wasteful. Yes, the deaths of a few others have caused me to question my mind frame, especially seeing how those around them have tried to live on.

Ha…..still refuse to be selfish. Even to end my life. So funny.

He looks me in the eye says he's got his mind on a countdown 3-2-1
Forever

And yet the time alone has allowed me to pick up my shattered ego and to actually look at it with some hope. It would really suck if I actually went to all this trouble to end it if not to make things better, no? I've come to understand that I'm still fighting "secret wars" that in some cases I am not even a supporting character. Some of the dread and hatred isn't even mine. Looking through my actions I've come to understand that the blood that is there wasn't even spilt my hand, but is a long account of another's struggle that I am just a part of. I've done everything to make sure that I die with this and that my children will not be a continuing chain and being somewhat extreme I've considered myself as the end of the line. The "sins" that I do carry upon me are in many ways almost self imagined. Discovering that I am not the best in the situation does give me a heavy heart, but I not only make an attempt to make things better, but I've also went beyond what anyone had any reservations on me. To say that I was a lost cause is saying little. To say that I've literally clawed my way back without dragging those under me, but pulling all who I can drag up with me, in many ways shoving them forward and past me. To say that I could not save everyone….

…….

I could not save everyone should not be my death sentence. I already live with enough guilt that should make me a saint is saying little. I can not help to feel that I have failed many things in my life and I have been there too late to make things better with me on the floor pleading with whatever would listen for just a half hour amount of time in vain. I have done a lot of good along the way. I have made things better for many. And yet, it does not feel like I've done anything. Am I not entitled to live without some guilt? Am I not allowed to smell a flower on the corner garden without thinking of those who can not do the same? How else can I be happy if I can not appease the dead? And so I've already redefined winning. Winning for me is going outside in the sun and not in a ball shaking in the bathroom. Love for me is waving at the neighbor's dog to chase me near it's fence to affirm its importance of keeping people out. Kindness is picking up a dying bee off the ground and placing it in shade. They are small acts of kindness that I can commit without any need to justify my reasons or need to do them.

Wanna be here and I wanna be there
Living just like you, living just like me
Forever

See, don't I sound dreamy?

And so, I smile for the behalf of others and laugh at my expense to bring joy to someone who is not where I am. I try to put the effort in small moments that will save people the hell to come at least a day. I hand over what pocket change on my person for the benefit of others since I don't see any value to being so why would I entertain the value of a concept that makes others commit horrendous actions against another? You get a meal I get to pay for parking? Fuck that. So in my small ways, I'm trying to learn to be people again. I'm attempting to give a value to my existence that can not be negated and in some way has value to some one else. I do not want to cause anyone else any more trouble or hardship, still entertaining the thought that I'm on my way out, but why can I not make others a bit happier on my way. Maybe I can find a reason to stay. Maybe I can find something in my person that is not worthless that I can offer to people that others can also. Maybe my backrubs and milkshakes are better? Maybe I can just make people happy for two years until I regress away from them and have them realize that I'm what T.S. Eliot believes to be Hallowed.

And I'm running down the street of life
And I'm never gonna let you die
And I'm never ever gonna get old

Maybe I can find my humanity. Maybe I can be people. Maybe when I find it again I will not be as ready to give it away again to make someone else happy. Again. Then again if my humanity is valued like currency I may just give it away again without a peep.

Maybe I can discover why people want me around them and not wonder when they will get sick of me. Again.

I really don't know where to go from here.