Saying the hardest things that I have no words to say

There is so much to share and yet I'm not ready to share it, but I will say this. The only redemption to this crummy year has been October. I can already sense that I'm touching the tip of the iceberg here and that this paragraph will become the first step in a long journey, something in which I know I'm ready to share, but the moment has not approached as of yet. It almost reminds me of announcing an engagement after a tragedy. It taints the moment and yet it must be shared sooner or later, yet we always choose a later point to share hoping that the long tentacles of misery would not reach far enough to snatch us once more.

And then George Micheal passes. Hell, we just lost Joey Boots a day ago.......fuck you, 2016.

I mean, fuck you 2016. I'm so done with you. And yet I am in no need to share anything and I'm quite a happy place introverting in a warm room far from any stress and people. I love you all, more at this moment than before, but I need space to recharge, de-stress and carry the heavy mantel that is my persona.

See.....already ungreased gears turn and high pitched squeals sound. I can feel this becoming longer than I am willing to invest or am emotionally able to give. So stating that I will leave you with some short thought that hit me just now and maybe something profound out of the random mind crap that is my head.

I'm house sitting a few places hence running around between dwellings ensuring that pets get walks and feedings while making certain people know that the place is safe, happy and lived in. As of today, I haven't spoken to another human being and I'm happy. I need these moments. I need them because I I realize that my mind needs rest when it comes to thought and I honestly realize that my mouth is not the best medium for communication, which means out of all my physical abilities I'd have to say that I'd willingly give up my voice than any other faculties that are well used and enjoyed. My mouth is not the best way to communicate with you all. the fact that I fight my mind from the onslaught of thoughts and sorting to which ones should be verbalized with the painful stress of knowing if I do not choose my words carefully my puckish nature would be considered horrible and cruel rather than introspective and humorous.  So, writing is what I work with best.

That and I have difficulties saying things. So I usually blurt them and polish them on the fly. I will never utter a beautiful word, but given time, silence, and a bit of inspiration I know I can move you as I am moved. There is so much to say and I can spend a life time with the thoughts I hold at this time, but most are not mature or ripened to share. So I'll try to say this.

I was just moved in my time of isolation on how much my life had changed. The beginning of this year I had a resolve that I would either get healthy or finally decide to take that walk down the street. The contrasts from January, coughing up blood and malaise-filled, now filled with hope, confidence, and even affection for most of you. And yet, I know I closed a chapter of my life some time ago, I know I am far from perfect.  Today is Xmas day. I'm an atheist so I'm not one to celebrate, yet when I was in the cult I didn't celebrate is either. In fact, I've spent this day usually walking the empty streets and agreeing to a friend or another to go eat Chinese or visit so that I can receive a gift. The day has no meaning to me. Tuesdays usually have more meaning to me than this day, not as in a manner of protest, but because I am used to this leave of isolation I am used to. I am comfortable alone and even distant with people. I'm one who walks from the crowd when I tired from hiding in it and I go do my thing.

And I realize that I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't know how to show affection other than my children and I know that's an issue to be tackled in a wee bit. Yet, as I listen to Stephen King address an audience while traversing the Commonwealth, I realize I feel something odd. I feel something that I don't understand. I feel something that I can put into words yet, but I'll try:

I miss alot of you.

.....yea, I think that's it. I feel not loneliness, but longing. I miss some of you and I want to hear your voice, even a few words. I don't know how to express myself in this way, because I've always been the "hardass", but I've also been meek and crushed. So I don't know how to express myself to you. I need a bit of distance to function and this is the first time I realize I don't want that distance. I want to cut that. I want to hug some of you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to share something positive that's trapped in my mind and I can not find the words to put it into meaning as of yet. Some of you I want to swing in my arms and laugh. Others I want to hold a warm drink and listen to you speak if only to remember what your voice sounds like again.

I'm still sorting out. I'm better. I have discovered the tracks of the train wreck, but I know from the wreckage that I have alot of work to do. I have alot of intimacy issues to work out and even understanding myself as a human being. I don't know what I am to you all. I don't know what I look like. I don't know what I am half the time and I do not understand how I can be a bit more. Being people like you is hard. It's where I am flawed and lacking. Being a "hard ass" or a "Legend" is easy since I just push through, but being human is almost unimaginable.

A woman jogged past me while I was walking a dog and she looked towards me and gave me a passing look that confused me. I didn't know what it means, but old tendencies told me to "avoid". I don't know who to people. I don't know how to say words that I need to say. This is my challenge for 2017. To be people.

.....and for some of you, this is why I'm still not "sleeping around" or even "dating".

....so, yea......broken......but I want to say things because I have new emotions at the moment.

.....I love you all. I realize my life is better among you all. I'm sorry I was going to end my life this year. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt I had no direction or choice. Now I realize I have full control of my life. I had the strongest feeling of.....sorrow, regret.....um....loss.....shame......abandonment.....beterayal.....because I realized that I was going to take my life. That if I was not able to recover I would have died and I would have done it now. I would have taken my life at this point and just understanding how I took another path and one that has made my life not only different, but enjoyable and safe.....I am terrified by my own resolution of what I could have done....and I'm so sorry.....I guess I want your forgiveness and I don't know why. I realized that I would have been gone and pain-free and yet I would have never felt this amount of happy. It's almost Dickens how I want to run into the streets and cheer at the moment.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I almost gave up on me and would have left. 

.....this upcoming year I'm making amends. I'm coming to see you all. I will make my life better than it is now and I will do what I can to have you all together in one place and I will try to say what I can not. I"m sorry I can't say it now. I'm in therapy and I'm honestly trying.

......well, I said that stupidly and clumsily and yet, it had to be said......stupidly since I can't find the way to say things.

I'll end it here.

Peace and Love.

When Chaos returns and keeps you jumping.....

Sorry good people for the lack of writing so far. Things are getting a bit hectic and I have a few different deadlines coming in and I wanted to knock them out before things go belly up. So not writing until next week. I have much to write and even much to share that I haven't gotten the chance to go into, but things are just a bit too hectic.

If anything I can share with you all that I'm now isolating any last pockets of insanity that still plague me and I'm in the process of removing them permanently. It's funny when you realize what you are finally able to do and how much work it is and at the same time it isn't to do. Things are good overall and I'm more than fine. Any difficulty that I am enduring is with a smile rather than a dark cloud or the Big Black Dog near. Things are good, but just a busy season for me.

SO please hold hope. I shall share more soon. Just need to handle this and then I'll come back.

Peace and Love, please be good to each other.

The Conversation I DO Want to have with Some of You what Think I Need Someone.....

Some of you: Oh, you found someone! That's love and you finally have it! This girl with the stars in her eyes! This is how I found [insert their significant others name] and we'd been happy ever since! I'm so happy you met her! Your life is SO going to be better now that you have found someone!

Me:......

Some of you: You found someone, right? Going out?

Me:......

Some of you: You .....wait.....*reads post again* ......oh.....you haven't met.....wait.....um....I kind of jumped the gun.

Me: ......

Some of you: Um....gee....your.....your life means something......your life has worth and value even without being in love.....

Me:......*still looking at you*

Some of you: ....so you won't change your profile photo to a couple's photos.......and you um......hmmmm......this is awkward....

Me:........*not letting you off the hook*

Some of you: .........I'm sorry......it's ok to be an individual.....

Me: *makes that hand motion that tells you to keep going*

Some of you: .....and your life isn't meaningless if you're single.......

Me: .*motions*

Some of you: ........and you are not an incomplete person......

Me: *motions* 

Some of you: .......and not everyone needs to be in a relationship.....and that just because my definition of joy does not mean that I have to impose that on everyone.....

Me:*motions*

Some of you: .....because that's bad.......and insulting......and it's also not realistic........

Me: *smiles and rings a bell. Picks up a small cracker and tosses it to you as a reward*

Some of you:.......can......can I go now........please?

Me: *nods*

Moral: Don't assume I'm not happy. Don't assume I need someone to complete me. Don't assume your happy is mind. Also realize I just shared a glance, not a future, but a glance.

Um....so....yea.......

To the 21 Russian views on Tuesday, December 6th at 8pm.

Um........what happened? 21 times? Without reading a post? And no traffic source? More importantly, why?

Willing to listen on any reason why. So....yea.....what was that about?

The Moment When I Realized I was on My Way Out or Missing Out On the Wave of Mutilation

December 5th, 2016

I read this now with a bit of a chill.

I was planning why way out at this point and I wanted to understand if I left would the world go on. Long answer, yes it would, but not without tearing a few people apart.

I almost wish I was there to let me know that this day would come. That as bad as things are I was not completely insignificant and that my moment to break out was coming.

Then again, I don't think it would have helped either. No, something else had to happen and that's what changed me a few months later. Sadly, something else had to happen. 

A dear friend would have to beat me to the punch and leave me where I would have left everyone else.

Chills.

I want to say more, but I think I'll just leave this here. That and know that things will get better. And if you think they're not, make noise. Scream, Yell, Do Not Go Willingly, but struggling and putting up a fight. 

That and I love you. Yes, you. You can beat this.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Decemberr 5th, 2012

Shower Epiphany: Death is usually seen as the end and yet sometimes perspective is needed. I was not alive before 1970 and have not taken part in history that goes as far back as the planet forming into a habitable sphere many billions of years. I can be certain that I will not see 2100 and beyond the point when the last form of life expires and the universe either expands into nothingness or retract into an impact not seen since the Big Bang as theories go right now. And yet I have now.

A few days ago I've come to realize that not only are we made of stardust, but in a way we are the manifestation of the universe in the form of life. Something in the making for so long a time that we now have our moment in the universe as the dinosaurs before us and two other extinctions that have lead scientist to question is our strain of life have not originated on another planet such as Mars. So to say that life is rare is greatly understating.

My point is we see death as an end in a limited span of time. And yet, we were not before and we will not be in the future that in truth if we are lucky we will not be remembered when we do expire for this world. This is how special life is. It's a fluke. Death isn't taking us away, but in a way it's correcting an anomaly returning time back to homeostasis. In a way, our time aware now is not only a rarity, but we can only be certain of now. That is how rare and valuable life is.

I am in no way a friend of death, but I'm now understanding that I am not it's enemy as well. My time will come as it has for those I still hold close to me and I have no choice than to go willingly and so in a selfish need I seek a form of immortality. As many have before me. Some left monuments while others left memories wither lovingly molded or scarred into our collective psyche. And yet, I've have found what a selective few have discovered as the true form of immortality. Those who have gained it all have in common not a desire to prolong their life or to avoid the hardships that it brings, but have sought to bring meaning to them. They have in simple terms aged while never becoming old. Those successful enough have left an impression on us that we still hold on to.

And so, today I stop fearing death and instead will one day welcome it as a friend. When my time comes, I will leave willingly. Until then I will be proactive, productive and prosperous. I will be honest to those among me and those I come near. I will not waste a moment to make the memory and I will seek to chase the daylight until it outruns me and welcome the moon with open arms. I will also take the moment and revel in nothingness. Taking moments to sleep in the afternoons with lazy cats as well as laugh while reading frivolous volumes of collected thoughts that have in no way any point to advance my knowledge. I will blow bubbles in my coffee and make funny faces back at small children. I will waste no time in wasting time as long as it was time well wasted.

And so with some resolve, I will try to remember my dead this dreadful month and attempt to embrace my moment in the universe until I must leave. And if lucky I will inspire someone to also revel under their moment in time rather than despise our mutual end or to morn our loss instead of celebrating what time we have.

I shall savor every moment. Even the last one.

A Progressive Outlook towards a Historically Dreadful Period of Time or I'm not afraid of December

Today is November 30th.

Tomorrow is December 1st.

I have to say it's been longer than a decade since I've not felt any anxiety towards December. It has been a difficult month for me for many reasons. December is when I discover when people in my life have passed or they do pass on in December. For the past three years, I've gotten horribly sick to the point where I begin to spit up blood and usually rush masked to the doctor for fear of TB kicking up. It's kind of rough being a human bomb, but thankfully each time I do see a doctor, go through X-rays and even spit into the tube, I only discover that it's not my lungs bleeding, but my throat, either because the last cold's cough was extremely rough on it hence the bleeding, or that I actually have some nasty bacteria wrecking havoc there.

Fun.

I've always eyed December with a dread of what could go wrong. I've always looked at January as some sort of safe haven and as horribly superstitious as it sounds, I focus on the new year as some sort of safe place to prevent me from losing more of my heath or even causing me an early demise. This year alone was difficult sitting in a chair trying to recuperate to the fears of many of you considering that most people judge my well being on the frequency I post on social media, as we agreed almost a decade ago.  Most of you had to be told to stay away for fear of transferring my illness and I have plenty of people, watching me to make sure I was doing nothing but sleeping and eating what I could.

So, yea ....December has always been horribly difficult. And yet, I'm here once more in front of Starbucks, before work writing this, sipping on Guatemalan Dark coffee with nothing more but thoughts and plans for December.  I have weekend plans with friends and looking forward to fixing things that I had to forgo due to lack of funds.  I'm on a long-term plan to make my life a bit easier and even calculating how soon I can write off my debt and even plans to make life easier. There was once a time when I would look at people walking their dogs on a Saturday and wish I had that experience. For the past three years, I've remedied a solution that was as close as possible to that dream and yet I look forward to a phantom dream of waking up on a Saturday at my own place to a happy German Shepard, Rachel....I'd name her Rachel, and maybe even a pot belly piglet, Franky/Frannie Bacon.

I'd laugh at that and know it was not possible. Then again, now with October changing everything, and yes, I must write about it soon and I'm already putting that into words, yet it honestly gave me the only thing I ever wanted: The Opportunity. If there's anything I hate the most it's stagnation. The past 10 years has been a testament to stagnation. I struggled at a snail pace to graduate to the jeers of many not understanding that I was last of a stubborn group of people who refused to leave until college has become completely unaffordable. The fact that it took me that long to graduate instead of succumbing to just negligent policies is more of a boon rather than a hindrance. Above all, I learned to be patient, prepared, and ready.

Yet throughout the years those traits become dull and rusty when continuing to grind at a snail pace. Goals seem prolonged to reach then distant then intangible. What used to be a plan to advance become a battle for principle. Motivation becomes an obligation and ends up into a monotonous drone that numbs you. If anyone wanted to know how long someone can endure this kind of spirit-breaking torture I'd say it took me a decade. Nights of closing your eyes to waking staring up into ceilings pondering why you should get up again can be grating on anything close to determination. And yet everything seemed to hit a peak of disappointment when December approached and hard question would have to be ignored if only to retain on to hope. Yet when you begin to grasp on hope and faith (firm belief in something for which there is no proof) is the only thing you have left, you know you lost and you don't have any more moves. All you can do is wait.

It's the waiting that does you in.

Yet this year is different.

This year I'm in therapy and I was able to confront issues that I had no idea existed. This year I was able to understand what that nagging feeling was when I believed I was lacking something to prevent people for projecting their weaknesses and limitations onto me. I learned to build boundaries where I can take a step back and negate the advances of people who see me as a scapegoat, a hindrance, a simply excuse to place all of their woes upon. I learned to drop was never my "crazy" and to acknowledge what IS mine and to have the confidence to take it head on and challenge it as it once dominated me.  That was October in an abstract. That was the month I took the word of someone who had no interest, wager, or stake in my life, for good or bad, and actually put myself in the crucible. It's where I learn to benefit from my own traits of endurance, stubbornness, patience, and a drive that I am now understanding has been held down for far too long.

I've discovered new things about myself that I never had to see, as if I was always in a constant blur and I was now seeing for the first time. I realize that the world is not out to get me, despite how much I've prepared to defend against such an attack. And if it even does it's pitiful and even almost not worth the effort. I've learned that I am in a new emotional renaissance where I tasted food for the first time. I was seeing colors and shapes that I always used to pass by and finally see them for what they are. My time of dormant mind has reawakened me to a new hedonistic hunger that I can now indulge in rather than be the ingredient to someone else's need. I realize that there really isn't anything left to hold me back but the phantom of what I was defending myself from everything that held me back. Almost as if an over reaction towards an immunity, my own defenses has imprisoned me from anyone's reach and trapped me in solitude.

And yet, the past two months I learned I am almost immortal or at least in relation to everything that has held me back. It's almost freeing how you can now pinch off something as a stray insect from your shoulder that once held you down and made you struggle to continue. How my immediate reaction towards anyone attempting to "pull one over" is a braying of laughter and a hardy, "nope". How hugging my most delicious of friends is actually comforting now rather than empty. And when I leave my most favorite of companions I do not feel the hollowness of losing their embrace and kindness or even feeling how I drew as much happiness for my own from them in order to make a few paces away only to feel the lingering phantoms of such affection. Now I leave with a bursting heart, as if my love was a damned river bursting through and flooding the once parched landscape. I want to go further in my vagabond way, now knowing there is no tether of obligation holding me back, but a need from others that I can or can not oblige.

I finally have choices, options and advantages rather than tightening a belt, pinching a penny that never existed, and a daunting duty to grind my life away.  As I finish this post on December 1st, I can honestly say that that is now over. If life does get difficult, and oh it will get difficult #TheMostGloriousofDumpsterFires, I know that I can endure, move forward and make the lives of others better also. I'm not dreading what will come because I had overcame the greatest of enemies and it was me. In protecting myself I almost killed myself. I mean, I can't begin to explain to you how much of a challenge I was. And yet, once I challaenged the right places I come to realize that I was holding on to what was killing me.

So I let go........just let it go.....

.....boom.....

......and that's all it took.

Yea, I'm shocked as you are. And sitting today on Dec. 1st I'm not dreading or fearful or having to be proactive to make certain I'm not alone, out of reach, or lacking in any drive as I sprint towards January, but I am hopeful, safe, and even eager to see what will come my way. I feel nothing can pull me down unless I will it so.

So....yea.....I'm good. I'm ok. I'm more than fine.  For the first time in a long time, I am at peace and ready for what life has in store for me. Even if I hit a set back, I'm not going to lose this. I mean once you face yourself and win, is there nothing you can endure?

......right?

Peace and Love.