December 5th, 2016
I read this now with a bit of a chill.
I was planning why way out at this point and I wanted to understand if I left would the world go on. Long answer, yes it would, but not without tearing a few people apart.
I almost wish I was there to let me know that this day would come. That as bad as things are I was not completely insignificant and that my moment to break out was coming.
Then again, I don't think it would have helped either. No, something else had to happen and that's what changed me a few months later. Sadly, something else had to happen.
A dear friend would have to beat me to the punch and leave me where I would have left everyone else.
Chills.
I want to say more, but I think I'll just leave this here. That and know that things will get better. And if you think they're not, make noise. Scream, Yell, Do Not Go Willingly, but struggling and putting up a fight.
That and I love you. Yes, you. You can beat this.
Call 1-800-273-8255
Decemberr 5th, 2012
Shower Epiphany: Death is usually seen as the end and yet sometimes perspective is needed. I was not alive before 1970 and have not taken part in history that goes as far back as the planet forming into a habitable sphere many billions of years. I can be certain that I will not see 2100 and beyond the point when the last form of life expires and the universe either expands into nothingness or retract into an impact not seen since the Big Bang as theories go right now. And yet I have now.
A few days ago I've come to realize that not only are we made of stardust, but in a way we are the manifestation of the universe in the form of life. Something in the making for so long a time that we now have our moment in the universe as the dinosaurs before us and two other extinctions that have lead scientist to question is our strain of life have not originated on another planet such as Mars. So to say that life is rare is greatly understating.
My point is we see death as an end in a limited span of time. And yet, we were not before and we will not be in the future that in truth if we are lucky we will not be remembered when we do expire for this world. This is how special life is. It's a fluke. Death isn't taking us away, but in a way it's correcting an anomaly returning time back to homeostasis. In a way, our time aware now is not only a rarity, but we can only be certain of now. That is how rare and valuable life is.
I am in no way a friend of death, but I'm now understanding that I am not it's enemy as well. My time will come as it has for those I still hold close to me and I have no choice than to go willingly and so in a selfish need I seek a form of immortality. As many have before me. Some left monuments while others left memories wither lovingly molded or scarred into our collective psyche. And yet, I've have found what a selective few have discovered as the true form of immortality. Those who have gained it all have in common not a desire to prolong their life or to avoid the hardships that it brings, but have sought to bring meaning to them. They have in simple terms aged while never becoming old. Those successful enough have left an impression on us that we still hold on to.
And so, today I stop fearing death and instead will one day welcome it as a friend. When my time comes, I will leave willingly. Until then I will be proactive, productive and prosperous. I will be honest to those among me and those I come near. I will not waste a moment to make the memory and I will seek to chase the daylight until it outruns me and welcome the moon with open arms. I will also take the moment and revel in nothingness. Taking moments to sleep in the afternoons with lazy cats as well as laugh while reading frivolous volumes of collected thoughts that have in no way any point to advance my knowledge. I will blow bubbles in my coffee and make funny faces back at small children. I will waste no time in wasting time as long as it was time well wasted.
And so with some resolve, I will try to remember my dead this dreadful month and attempt to embrace my moment in the universe until I must leave. And if lucky I will inspire someone to also revel under their moment in time rather than despise our mutual end or to morn our loss instead of celebrating what time we have.
I shall savor every moment. Even the last one.
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