Yea.......I don't usually smoke in person for a various few reasons, but I'm not my actual person now, am I? That and I'm best allowed to express the most honest version of myself here, despite of what limitations I endure and such. In other words, it's my world....you just visit it. So, yes I do smoke. Yet if I have a smoke it's letting off steam. If I buy a pack, it's the sign of something very bad happening......
.....this is not that. Just me catching breath and offering you an explanation because, in truth, I miss you. I honestly miss you as much as I miss running down the streets of a sleepy midnight and even my 2 pm nap. To cut to the bone, October has been a great a most amazing month.....it has been both exciting, challenging, and even a bit hair-raising and heartbreakingly disappointing. I've been trying to catch up on my writing schedule that I've promised myself to keep of at least two scheduled posts, Monday and Wednesday at noon Pacific time, but sadly thins have changed two weeks ago where yea....
I got legitimate work...
....*clears throat*
I got legitimate work!
*does a little bit of the Cookie Dance on top of the soap box with a little bow*
I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW! I got a job almost as fast as I blinked on a fucking hunch and a "why the fuck not?" With some help I got my resume tweaked and a matter of hours I got an interview and by Tuesday I was leaving the very expensive parking lot sans $17.50 for 45 minutes and then returning to the parking lot across the street at $12 a day. Not to give to many detail, I'm at a law office where I do office work and some minor legal thingies. Mind you, I am in no way inclined to anything legal or document like, but then again I've said the same thing about taking anatomy and stats and I loved that. I"m not crazy about it really, law stuff, but I have a greater respect for what it is and I'm just happy to understand enough to help people in the office who does have the tolerance for legalese. So yea.....yay!
*gets off soap box and sits on it*
So....yea....it takes a good amount of my time and now having a part time job that pays enough to get things working again I have to say that I am now in the process of getting the train wreck that is my life back on track. I'm also proud to say, as of this moment, I have found the track!
......yea....I know.....it's not much, but considering how much I lost and regressed, finding the track is huge for me. October has been huge as much as Decembers have been horrid. So, things are looking up and I have much to share with you all except that there is a bit of a problem at the moment. I've lost the one thing that legitimate work seems to swallow up: time. I hate to say that I'm still trying to adjust to the change in time with going to work three days a week from 9 to 5, except it's not 9 to 5. It's 5 am to 7:30 pm with a commute from hell. That and I'm on my feet, moving and working at least 80% of the time with the rest on the phone or computer. Right? Kind of takes a lot of energy out of you. That and I officially have two days of a work week to get many things done once I have enough money coming in. Well, a day and a half considering Friday's are usually my Crazy Doc days and just to shoot off some things randomly on my mind I need to do the following:
- Contact and retain a lawyer
- Get my Cal-Id again
- Enter several offices and reapply for things that I had to forgo due to not having the minimum of $500 to drop
- Reopen a bank account and make sure that it's not taken away from me *see first point*
- Begin to pay back debt including student loans
- Become "street legal"
- Start a savings and have money to save
- Find a place to live on my own once I've settled enough debt
- Start life again
- Travel and see numerous friends I've have been promising to see over a decade now
So...yea.....just a few and I know I'm missing a whole lot more.
*sighs* I have so much to say and tons to share, it almost feels as if I'm losing it all in my head. So I'm going to try and put it all down and sadly, until I can get a handle of my free time and balance that with the need to write and run and work out and even grow with the ability to become people, I'm going to have to reduce my posting to once a week. At least until I get a hold of things. I don't want to walk away since this offers some respite and peace, but I know I don't have the endurance or luxury of doing what I love as much.
So please, be patient with me. I will share all and much, especially considering that I have so much to share and give. Please be patient with me and I'll try to get things back on track here whilst trying to get the train wreck back on tracks and maybe one day moving in a direction even......ha....ha ha ha....that will be the day....
.....I can't help feeling that I'm lying in a gutter right about now dying of a stroke. As fast as I lost everything it's just as fast as I got an opportunity. Like most caged animals, I ran out the moment it was opened even if I didn't have a direction or plan, I just ran out to get away from the cage all wishing I am not dying in a gutter and that this won't be a dream.
*takes a moment and reflects*
Century City.....I work in Century City. It's still so fresh that I haven't gotten a paycheck yet, so I'm in that struggle that first month of nothing and stretching trying to make it to that first paycheck...that first moment of success. There was a moment whereI honestly felt.....vindicated. I almost felt as if I had accomplished much. That the struggle was over and that I finally made it. That feeling lasted for an hour. I then realized a few hard truths that I struggle with even now. I realized that this job may be a way of getting out, of just making it, but it isn't. I didn't win. I didn't launch myself to the finish line. I had some of the weight removed that I drag to get to the starting line, the same line that so many have already launched from. this job isn't the happy ending, but an anvil. It's an opportunity to swing when the iron is hot. It's a chance to take a breath between being strangled. It's a moment of hope and a chance.....a single chance to take on everything that had dog piled on me.
It's more work. It's basically more work from a place that I could not move further from. I didn't win anything. I just have a chance to move further. My hustling days aren't over. They never will be. This is just a chance to make more money and to make my Old Man happy so that he can say that I'm physically doing something. Got a text from my mother. She says he's proud of me. Well....ain't that nice. Sorry, being the black sheep for decades now it just doesn't uplift my heart that I'm making anyone proud. I mean....does anyone really cares at this point. I'm trying to keep my head....I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TRYING TO KEEP MY HEAD ABOVE WATER......nothing changed. None of it changed. I've always been trying. Dragging myself towards something...anything better.....it's just secondary people like to give their two cents and make themselves feel better. I'm happy my struggle offers you some moment of fulfillment and clarity to you, but as for me, I'm still in it and every day is a new struggle. So, no.....I'm not done with hustling or odd jobs or just doing what I can to survive. Especially now that I see how much I've lost. How my wardrobe is lacking in people clothes. Or how odd I feel as I stand out like a "Corporate Thug" among office workers and lawyers. There's nothing like wearing a shirt and slacks to realize your body isn't ideal for shirt and slacks as it was exercise clothing or a gi. I still feel like an outsider and I would not have it any other way.
It was quite nice to pretend that I would throw money around. "You get a gold and ivory back scratcher! You get a gold and ivory back scratcher! You ALL get a gold and ivory back scratchers!" Ha ha.....yea, no. I'm not that person. I'm still pinching nonexisting pennies and hoping for a moment where I don't have to wonder what else I have to tighten my belt on. I would like an x box or a new computer, but sadly I'm still a vagabond and don't have a place to rest my head without realizing I have to keep moving out of risk of having people get sick of me....or me of them. So, yea.....I'm not going to make it rain when I'm trying to save every drop in the desert of my life.
I'm not like you. I never was and even with this changing I realize that more. I'll never be comfortable or go easy. My days are never easy and the moment they are I'll question them and prepare for the struggle to jump at me again. So....yea.....it's nice that I work in an office near Beverly Hills near the mall when in 1993, I tried to get a job at Ben and Jerry's while looking like all 128 lbs of death. Huge roundabout. Yet, I'm the guy in the break room whipping up after my tiny coffee spill that most would ignore or wait for the "help" to clean up. That's not me. Too blue collar if I get to have a collar.
Hustlin doesn't stop, it's a way of life. It's my life. At best I'm just "Corporate Thug". At worst, thug.
That's life.......*sigh* Nothing changes unless I change it and I just got my chance....so....yea.....that.
*snaps out of it and looks at you* Sorry......it's going to take some time to even realize that I'm not dying in a gutter and life CAN be good. Too many decades struggling to trust anything. I still don't trust my friends and the ones I do I check their fucking math constantly. My struggle.....my issues.....my......limitations, but I'm in therapy...and who know....I might be better one day. October has been magnificent and much has been achieved. I'm trying....I really am. It's going to take a lot of time. Time that I sometimes think I'll never have.....then again, I never thought this would ever happen....so....who know....
*continues to look at you and smiles* Thank you.....for reading. For being here to listen to me. I don't' have many opportunities to open up and I know that you listening to me, even if we know each other and you know I can never say most of what I say here, it helps.....it help that I can look into my abyss......you all out there and know that you might be there, or not, and must have the room....say my piece and move on. To say what I can't because most people don't listen. Most people don't care. Most people don't know what I honestly think and in a way that's for their own good. Maybe mine as well.
*gets up and shrugs* Who know, right? Life is supposedly short. So...yea....I'll see you soon. Promise.
*picks up edge of soap box and looks towards exit stage right* So...yea.....be good to each other.
*begins to drag soap box towards exit stage right until the sound of dragging dies off*
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