After hitting 20.0% body fat yesterday I checked again and it's a bit higher than 20.0% today, but understanding how homeostasis works I know that it's going to drop down to my goal and even lower soon. It's part of that rebalancing that your body does when you introduce enough chaos to for it to change. Something that I've followed from my classes in Biology, Chemistry, Kin, Physics and even in English literature. There is no level of normalcy that a selected place or point of time we shall call the universe for whatever we choose to be our goal. And yet, I'm not going to talk about this. Having already explained this many times before that I have some difficulty cutting to the bone when it hits layers that are long forgotten and dormant. So I have to start out with somewhere I'm comfortable in order to sink lower to where I want to go.
So please excuse my cowardice. I'm going to cut to the bone.
To say that I am a child of chaos is saying very little. I can honestly say that I have not had any form of normalcy in my life since I was 14 and then it's only for a few good years or so. So the past few months have been my crucible of sorts as I decide to put my schooling up against my experience. In truth, I wanted to see if I can have some sort of control over my own body. I'm not one to make weak statements and understanding a bit more of my past that I've long buried may give you a bit more insight.
At the age of 16-17 I've contracted Tuberculosis while working in Westwood cleaning brokerage offices. While friends were enjoying their increase in muscle and leanness in their hormonal growth spurts mine was used to survive as I dropped weight from a healthy 180 lbs to a painfully sick 128 lbs. If you need a mental image think of the survivors of the concentration camps. I would eat constantly and yet not keep a lb. It would be two years after my infection to find out what I had and it would come at the right time, since I was having breathing problems. Having been cured by body would not begin to recover for another 5 years.
A huge difference from growing up the chubby kid.
My 20's were great, yet not understanding what I know now I can say that I was harder on my health than any disease. Not understanding the basics of nutrition, exercise, or general maintenance I caused more damage than you can imagine. And yet it would take me 7 years to get my body back on track and healthy enough even with strong moments of sickness and not being able to breath. And yet I fought to increase my lung capacity and to gain strength. I think it was 6 years when I would arrive at my physical best, hence the 20% at 200 lbs.
Sadly a long series of injuries would derail me once more. Tearing my shoulder, catching pneumonia, and having a thrombosis in my leg just stopped my from attaining any physical success. That with studying for long hours and eating whatever was at hand can wreak havoc on anyone. I jumped to my highest at 255 lbs and a body fat in the obese area of 31% or so. Thankfully my studies have picked up and I had many great instructors who helped me keep hope even if moving meant that I would bleed out. I understood that I'm not where I want to be and I had to stop beating myself up. I had to depend on what I was learning and to take small steps. If you worked with me you now that I always talk about small changes and efforts always add up over one huge attempt. Focusing effort on myself I've made myself my own guinea pig, knowing that I can not or would not tell anyone to do anything that I can not do. If this had any way of working then I would have to be my success story.
And so, over two years ago I dragged a very heavy me out into the road. I shuffled when I could not run. I pushed my body when my lungs screamed for air. I continued to push from the most modified or "girl" position imaginable (for those of you who are too stupid to realize that there are women power lifters who can lift us like nothing). I knew my ego was in the dumps, but I kept saying soon. My faith was placed in math and measurement over rolling in whatever shame I can feel. I took up all the insults and arrogance that those who never have fallen could sling. My mantra was one word: Soon.
In over one year, I was able to move decently without reopening my wound. In January, I would face my greatest weakness and start running with a running journal. In March, my body fat dropped to 25%, which removed me from any health related risks. And now, it's in the far range of ideal for my age range. My resting heart rate had dropped to 48 bpm with not only is amazing that I can have that much control of my body, but it has given me an X factor against age and the loss of ability. This is not only where I was before, but I'm past it.
If you told me that I would be back 5 years ago, I would not believe it. If you old me that I would be stronger and have a greater condition, I would have laughed. If you told me that I'm at the point where I can push on and change my body as I see if I would have never believed you. This is new for me since I never grew up "handsome" or "fit" or even "attractive". I have a great sense of humor, a brilliant intellect, and enough humility to know that if I don't work hard on these I basically have nothing to offer people. My positive traits are earned rather than genetic. I have to work hard to be interesting and I do so as the Moon reflects the Sun, I surround myself with brilliant and interesting people and reflect them. And these same people have been pushing me along when I really wanted to quit.
At this point I don't see myself quitting until ......hmmm.....I'll make it to my 50's and then see.
So, if anything it has taught me that anyone and everyone can make a change with enough desire and with plenty of positive reinforcement. You can do it, because I am doing it. And to be honest, I can be a bit lazy at time. And yet, my defeatist attitude is waning. Thanks to my dearest friends.
So thank you for giving me back my time in the Sun. I promise to spend it well and pull as many as I can with me.
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