Shower Epiphany: Contemplating extreme solutions

I'm working on a piece that's is bothersome to say the least. I am in no way comfortable talking about it or even talking about it the way I am. It's a bit too personal and it really pulls roots in many directions. It's a way I rather not consider my self as. It's a part of me that if I can go under a surgeon's knife, take a pill or go for electric shock I would in a drop of a hat. I see it more as a nuisance and a hindrance. It may be a way to actually equate me as human to some of you, but to me it's been a bane of my existence and if I could resolve it I would, but it seems easier and less trouble to cut it off and move along. It's closing off the doors to which people have keys. It's finally realizing that no one can get in even if they mean no harm and even if the price means never going out. It's a piece of mind that some would recoil in horror at the thought. It's my way of embracing some sort of way to become a psychotic in order to kill off certain aspects of me and allowing me to fake it better than I can feel it, if only for your amusement. It's a subject that I see as a flaw rather than a strength and it causes me more harm than good. That and seeing how I interact with others  when this is negligible makes me more worthy of attention and it makes me able to give to others what they really want.

And you ask me now, would you really do this? Something that is equated to an emotional lobotomy? Have you honestly thought through this? Are you aware that you will remove that small part of you that may be the root of your entrophic nature?

Yea......in a heart beat. Because even trying to make the move to living from surviving I can see me living without it. It's sick. It's twisted. And if it was a physical appendage I would have hacked it off a long time ago and walked the rest of it off. It has cause more harm than good and just knowing that if can not be used against me ever again would at least provide me with some night's rest.

I'm saying this now, mind you. There is a paradox where I can not be 100% certain just for the fact there is always a sense of error even if the limitations are implemented and the math worked out. And yet, if the genie gave me the wish and magi was a thing.....drop of a hat.

.....

Outside of that, I just have to endure the pain of writing it out, chasing a mood down like a madman and trying to gain the strength to reread it once the madness is placed into words and hope that they have not failed me. Only to find a glimpse of sanity.

I've given up on acceptance and peace. I just want resolution.